Do you think women should put themselves last if they have children?

[Onemoretimeround]

So my sister in law called my mum self-centred the other day for 'doing what she wants'. By that she means she does what she wants in her life, and pleases herself. But she isn't a selfish person, a great mum (who left my dad because she wasn't happy) and warm, giving person.
My sister in law says she's bottom of the list in her family - and puts herself there, as that's what you have to do as a mum. You 'can't put yourself first' if you're a mum. She doesn't work and cares for my brother (the money provider) and two girls.
I don't agree with this outlook, as it seems to feed into women having to be selfless and always be the caregiver, but what do you think?

I have severe and debilitating illness to the point I can't even care for my child anymore. Part of me thinks had I been alot more selfish, might my conditions have become so bad?

I agree. I almost went under looking after DD with MH issues. Luckily I sought help for myself in time.

I'm a single mum to two with sen.

I put myself last. I got my youngest to an adult and now have cancer.

I should have been equally as important as my children.

Trying to now be treated as equally important as them has been really difficult. They do not want to lose any of the benefits they had from this.

Do not do what I did.

Recognising that its not a 'your needs v theirs' competition might help.

It's a balance.
You have to meet the needs of your children and prioritise them in many ways but you don't have to be a martyr and never have anything for yourself ever.

In fact it's important to raise your children to know that everyone in a family has wants and needs and deserves to be put first at times.

My mum was an I must have nothing everything should be for my children martyr and I was determined to not be the same so yeah, sometimes we'll do what I want to do! Sometimes what one or other or both of my sons want to do, sometimes what my husband wants.

My mum was ridiculous. What my child wants is more important than what I need.

Fuck that. I need a plaster and my kid wants a packet of crisps, I'm getting my fucking plaster!

My child is my priority above all else and if our needs clash she will always win...but I'm still putting myself first wherever possible. That means different things to different people. For me it means:

• Doing my Masters and letting DH pick up the slack at home
• Prioritising morning walks before work (when I'm not too knackered)
• Doing something social with friends most weeks
• Relaxing instead of stressing about the house being spotless. It's clean, generally tidy and that's good enough.
• Choosing jobs that fit my career pathway and not necessarily school/nursery. Expecting DH to balance this with me, shared load.
• Prioritising my physical and mental health where possible. Everyone in the house should be cared for and healthy.

^Tbf, these should be the basics for most couples but I recognise they aren't and that women often bear the brunt.

It's a hard balance and sometimes I feel I should do less, but I'm not prepared to set the example for DD that women come last. I hope she sees it that way.

No, I don't put myself last.

DH's and my needs come after the DC's needs. But I don't come after DH - I don't come before him either though, it's situation specific. And the DC's wants don't come before our needs.

I like this Thich Nhat Than line - 'The greatest gift a parent can give their child is their own happiness.'

I don't agree with your SIL but I do actually put myself last 😂😭

I don't know any other way of being a mum. I only put myself first when it means that I am getting into a position where I can't look after everyone. For example I am going to the gym once a week because I want to be a healthy mum FOR my kids and family. Everything is rooted to my kids and family.

Did you go to the gym before being a parent @INeedARest22 ?

All parents should put their children first until their children can be self-sufficient. Fathers too.

Mothers who martyr themselves by putting themselves last at all times create emotional fuckups for children. Self respect is important. Once your children's needs are served it's important to look after yourself and balance your needs with the needs of other adults and other people's children, being fair to all including yourself.

All parents, regardless of their sex, should put their children before themselves. I'd have said that's a pretty integral part of being a parent.

No. I read a quote the other day along the lines of:

'As is the mother, so goes the house'.

Kind of hate it because it puts so much pressure on the mother. But I do think it's imperative that a mother looks after themselves. A mum looking after themself for the benefit of the kids. Setting a good example etc. Kids are the priority but in order to be, the mum has to come first really. Certainly not the bottom of the pile, that's dysfunctional.

But here we're talking about adults, and a daughter-in-law at that. That's bonkers.

Did she mean because your MIL left her marriage instead of staying together for the children she was selfish …that’s how I read it

difficult as every situation is different but I do think when you decide to have kids you should give it your best go and if needed put your happiness aside until the kids are old enough for it not to be detrimental

I'd say most of us do it, but it absolutely isn't healthy.

Mum guilt is strong if I do anything for myself rather than 'the good of the family'! I think most mothers (I know) are trying to change that narrative. It's like swimming upstream though. We've been conditioned to behave this way since birth, I suppose. Dads I know don't seem to suffer much with 'Dad guilt'.

I'm a much better parent once I've had a little me time, too; it benefits everyone!

No, I don’t put myself last. I ensure my child is loved, cared for, has attention paid to him, is taught things, included, and has his share of being prioritised in the family, but I’m as important as anyone else in the family. I put myself first sometimes, and am a better parent for it.

I don’t see fathers being encouraged to automatically put themselves last, or to feel an automatic dad guilt’.

We’re on holiday, and tomorrow I’m prioritising myself and going for a long solo hike.

I think your personality dictates this. Gets not a right or wrong answer.

i like to put myself bottom as it suits me. I enjoy looking after everyone else and I enjoy running my kids all over the place and entertaining their friends. I know plenty of people who prioritise themselves first and I think thats fine. You can’t pour from
ab empty glass and all that.

No, I take my own health and needs quite seriously. A healthy and happy mum is a good mum.

My mum was a martyr and was miserable. We were miserable as a result

It's a strange thing to say to someone who presumably only has adult children now. There's no need to put yourself last once your children have flown the nest. A bit of context for your SIL comment would help OP.
It's funny I am a Mum and the"money provider" but my DH is not putting himself last for my benefit nor would I expect him to! Quite an old fashioned attitude from your SIL.
Obviously with very young children their needs have to come first, but as parents you also need to have some time to look after yourself a bit - just scaled back . Eg. I used to run half marathons before I had kids , these days I do 1-2 20-30 minute runs per week. It's a lot less but it's enough to keep me sane.

Hell no!

But loads of mums have 'martyr syndrome'. Not me. My philosophy is, if i'm not taking care of myself, how can I take care of someone else?

It's a ridiculous theory that so many mums buy into; if you put yourself last, somehow you are a better mother. Bollocks! It's not a competition & it's not about suffering.

I think children come first whether you are a man or a woman.

if you don’t accept that then you shouldn’t have them.

I try and put the DCs needs above mine but wants split 50/50. I think in reality, I probably do put my wants last more than I should and I don’t think it’s particularly a good thing and can lead to burn out and resentment. I’m trying to even it out.

I think this depends to be honest, if you have the space and means to then you can put yourself first. But not all mums have that in place to be able to do that so a lot of the time their kids will come first by default. As a single parent I can't take myself off for a bath and a wind down if ds is sick or struggling to sleep. But I will try to prioritise myself when I do get the space as these things don't last forever. I don't think it's what mothers should 'strive for' but it's more a regular reality due to the lack of supports many mums are dealing with. And often it's down to men not stepping up and fulfilling their duties as husbands and fathers.

Was going to say this but someone else said it better!

If I need/ want to go for a walk or swim or a drink with a friend or even on occasion a short holiday away then DH will pick up the slack as will I for him.

Sometimes my wants also trump my child's wants (they might want me to do bedtime but I want to go out for dinner) and I think that's fine too!

Thanks all, so SIL added that if, for example, your child wants to visit you from university for the weekend and you're busy, you should clear your diary because your child wants to come home - and my mum didn't. She would just say 'can't do that weekend' and I respected she had her own life too!