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Original poster

Am I wrong to be disappointed?

56 replies

bookishmumof5 · 04/08/2024 07:56

Hello, looking for outside opinions please. I've been seeing a guy for about 6 weeks now. It's going very well, but I'm very aware that it's very very new still. Anyway, it's my birthday on Friday. I mentioned it to him a week or so ago and he immediately said that we should go for dinner and to a hotel for the night, said that he would make arrangements etc. He sent me texts asking for info on what would make it perfect, the kind of place I'd like to go and said he'd take care of it all. I was very excited, because I really don't get out much (I haven't been away for the night in 15 years!) and it sounded like a really nice treat- I made arrangements for my sister to have my kids overnight etc.

Fast forward to a couple of days ago, and he casually mentioned he was thinking instead we should just spend the night at his flat instead as it will be cheaper. I'm not materialistic in the slightest and don't need a lot of expensive things to make me happy, but I can't help but be disappointed that he suggested a nice night out and a hotel and has now seemingly changed his mind about it. I didn't say anything to him and just agreed, but I'm a bit sad because I was looking forward to it. Am I being unreasonable? I'm worried if I mention it to him that I'll seem like I'm expecting him to be spending a fortune on me etc. In reality I wouldn't have even thought of it if he hadn't suggested it. I can't decide whether to bring it up or just deal with feeling disappointed, especially as it's such a new thing. I want to manage my expectations. I'm also toying with just booking a hotel myself, but I can't decide how I feel about that either.

Opinions? Thank you in advance.

OP posts:
VestPantsandSocks · 04/08/2024 07:59

Sounds like he realised that it was going to be more expensive than he thought.

Just enjoy a nice evening together.

AlsaceLorraine · 04/08/2024 07:59

At six weeks, I’d still think that was very, very early days, and probably not want someone to spend significant money on me.

Blisterly · 04/08/2024 08:03

I think he’s being sensible. It’s probably quite a bit of money for him and you’ve not been together long. Maybe he didn’t realise how expensive it was. You wouldn’t want someone to get in debt over a birthday present.

In essence it will be a similar night, you’ll spend a lovely evening together. It will probably be more relaxed than an evening in a restaurant and hotel.

sadabouti · 04/08/2024 08:03

YANBU to be disappointed. He didn't have to build the expectation. What happens next is up to you. You could tell him you really would like to go to a hotel and have a night away now the childcare arrangements are sorted. Frankly that's harder to sort than a hotel booking. Have a look for something so you can show him what you want to do and offer to split the cost. It's a new relationship so not sure he should pay for all of it.

LittleGreenDragons · 04/08/2024 08:04

Is he still taking you out to dinner or is he expecting Netflix and chill night and therefore nothing special?

Newnamehiwhodis · 04/08/2024 08:07

Disappointment is natural. Allow yourself to feel it, then go have a lovely night.
notice if he’s stingy - that won’t be fun in the long run-
notice if he changes his word a lot, because that’s not a kind move, to make big, specific promises and then switch them at the last minute -
just notice.
it could be okay, since you haven’t been together long, but if this becomes a pattern of build up your hopes and then smash them, that’s no good.

BCBird · 04/08/2024 08:08

I understand ur disappointment. If he had said ill cook u a meal, come to.my flat, no doubt u would have looked forward to that, but the fact that he had suggested something else fancier u r bound to be disappointed. It probably has worked out too expensive. Just go and enjoy the evening. It's still an overnight stay.

BigPussyEnergy · 04/08/2024 08:11

LittleGreenDragons · 04/08/2024 08:04

Is he still taking you out to dinner or is he expecting Netflix and chill night and therefore nothing special?

Yeah this would make a difference to how I felt too.

tbh I kind of do similar with my teenage Dd, we’ll talk about somewhere we want to go and I get all excited at the prospect, talk about staying overnight etc and then realise that by the time I’ve paid £200 for a bed to sleep in we could have done so much more fun stuff during the day with that money. I’d rather spend the money on a nice dinner than somewhere to sleep when usually I’ll have a crap nights sleep anyway due to noise/hard mattress/wrong pillows etc.

Having childcare sorted so you can stay at his for the night is a little treat on its own, but he needs to bring it re dinner and how he treats you while you’re there.

MumDaisy1980 · 04/08/2024 08:12

did He make an effort at the end in any way? I think that count the most. The effort not need to be expensive. Not the talk of thinking to treat you well it’s the action that counts. Did he make you home made dinner? Or even ready meal but say he make an effort to make it special like add candle light.

if you not happy just say it. It’s what relationship about. Tell him how you feel, you are not an easy woman.

he sounded like a talker to me.

Confusionn · 04/08/2024 08:15

I would end things. If he feels he can let you down and not put any effort in after 6 short weeks, then the future looks bleak.

Original poster
bookishmumof5 · 04/08/2024 08:52

sadabouti · 04/08/2024 08:03

YANBU to be disappointed. He didn't have to build the expectation. What happens next is up to you. You could tell him you really would like to go to a hotel and have a night away now the childcare arrangements are sorted. Frankly that's harder to sort than a hotel booking. Have a look for something so you can show him what you want to do and offer to split the cost. It's a new relationship so not sure he should pay for all of it.

I think this is part of the reason I'm feeling more disappointed. If he had just mentioned it once and then not brought it up again I wouldn't have thought too much of it. But he specifically asked me how I'd like things to be, what kind of vibe I'd prefer for a hotel etc and made a big thing of it. I'd be happy to split the cost, I just don't want to feel like I'm forcing him into something when it was supposed to be a treat for me...if that makes any sense at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
bookishmumof5 · 04/08/2024 08:54

LittleGreenDragons · 04/08/2024 08:04

Is he still taking you out to dinner or is he expecting Netflix and chill night and therefore nothing special?

He's suggested going to the bar we met at. I asked him about dinner beforehand and he said we could eat out or at home, it's up to me. So kind of a bit of both.

OP posts:
EverAfter01 · 04/08/2024 08:56

It sounds like he got carried away with the idea then he probably looked into it and it was more expensive than he thought. I can understand your disappointment.

SamW98 · 04/08/2024 08:57

bookishmumof5 · 04/08/2024 08:54

He's suggested going to the bar we met at. I asked him about dinner beforehand and he said we could eat out or at home, it's up to me. So kind of a bit of both.

Show quote history

This update makes him sound a bit lazy and low effort tbh.

Maybe the hotel worked out too expensive so I get that but for your birthday he could treat you to a nice restaurant before going have to his.

I think I’d be having doubts about him. Its not the money at all it’s the lack of effort that would put me off

EverAfter01 · 04/08/2024 08:57

Also some people are like this as in they are good at talking and bigging things up but they don’t deliver. Be on alert in case it’s a habit of his.

CeruleanDive · 04/08/2024 08:59

YANBU. He's an adult and should realise you check if you can afford a gift before offering it. This is an early warning.

dudsville · 04/08/2024 09:01

I think given what you've said that I would be disappointed too, however it was a pretty grand gesture for such a new relationship and that would also have made me a little uneasy. I think I would prefer to spend my birthday with someone closer to me if possible.

PeriIsKickingMyButt · 04/08/2024 09:04

YABU to think it's reasonable for a man to spend £300+ on a date after 6 weeks in the first place. Sounds like his original suggestion was a love bomb and he's now taking it back but it was a crazy idea to start with and you should have heard alarm bells ringing.

aCatCalledFawkes · 04/08/2024 09:11

I have to be honest and say I would never spend that much money on a relationship that was only 6wks old. I get your disappointed but it’s up to him to prioritise his money. We have all been caught out with huge unexpected bills at some point, usually at the worst moment possible.
Are you really ok with accepting such a big gesture from someone you barely know and have no commitment too? It’s just common sense.

burnoutbabe · 04/08/2024 09:14

He probably just wants sex and realised he can get that at his own house for free!

He could be a crap shag/you may not want it when it cones to it and an expensive hotel puts a big expectation on everyone.

EveningSpread · 04/08/2024 09:17

I would take this as a sign that he is at best flaky, unrealistic, bad at planning and doesn’t follow through. At worst, he’s trying to suck you in with false promises.

Putting the ball in your court about dinner is also a dick move. He’s gone from high effort and big promises (yes maybe too big and expensive given the stage of the relationship, but the u turn is still shit) to low effort and forcing to you basically ask for dinner. I’d be concerned that he’s manipulative.

Lovelynames123 · 04/08/2024 09:22

I've just put the halt on a 6 week relationship for similar reasons, in my case making big plans without having the money to follow through...I'm not materialistic either but I realised this was going to be a regular thing and I didn't want to feel I always had to organise and pay for things.

I would throw this one back, it should be fun not disappointing in the early days, and having been love bombed before I'm on high alert now!

Lurkingandlearning · 04/08/2024 09:35

I would expect a man, unless he is very young, to have some idea what a hotel and dinner out costs and not make extravagant offers he can’t afford.

I would be wondering if he’d had the money when he suggested that and has since lost it gambling or has met someone else who is making a move on and doesn’t want to spend money on you in case that works out.

This kind of disappointment so early on would really put me off. Don’t get me wrong expensive nights out are fine and dandy but not important. Celebrating in a way you can afford is. And knowing what you can afford and not blagging about more is v important.

If you stay with him I think this will be the first in a long line of disappointments.

AgileGreenSeal · 04/08/2024 09:45

Six weeks is too soon for such an extravagant display.
I would be concerned.

Sunshineafterthehail · 04/08/2024 09:48

He will let you down as the norm imo op.
Book somewhere for yourself and have a great relaxing night...