Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Were you instantly attracted to your current partner ?

55 replies

Pinkflowersxo · 03/08/2024 18:26

I am wanting to date differently and go for men who are genuinely good people. I'm definitely trying to change my ways and no longer choosing men who are bad for me.

I guess I have this thing in my head where I believe the men who will be good I won't be attracted to.

I just wondered to those of you in relationships now were you Instantly attracted to your partner from the beginning ? Can this grow as your feelings grow ?

I also don't want to feel like I'm settling at the same time as surely you have to feel attracted to to the person you're with ?

What do you think ? X

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 03/08/2024 18:28

I guess I have this thing in my head where I believe the men who will be good I won't be attracted to.

Until you fix this and figure out why you think this way, you will continue to gravitate towards shit men. You need to figure out why you find dysfunction so appealing.

Hatty65 · 03/08/2024 18:35

I didn't particularly fancy him, but I liked him a lot as a person and thought he was a genuinely nice bloke.

We've had 25 years together and I love him to bits. He's my utter rock. I'll never regret looking past the fact that I didn't instantly find him sexy and good looking, and I'd rather not be with someone who judged me on my looks either.

heartofgold8046 · 03/08/2024 18:42

Pinkflowersxo · 03/08/2024 18:26

I am wanting to date differently and go for men who are genuinely good people. I'm definitely trying to change my ways and no longer choosing men who are bad for me.

I guess I have this thing in my head where I believe the men who will be good I won't be attracted to.

I just wondered to those of you in relationships now were you Instantly attracted to your partner from the beginning ? Can this grow as your feelings grow ?

I also don't want to feel like I'm settling at the same time as surely you have to feel attracted to to the person you're with ?

What do you think ? X

I would say there has to be some sort of attraction surely x

Echobelly · 03/08/2024 18:45

I guess so. It was an 'eyes met across a crowded dance floor' moment and we seemed to 'click' pretty fast. Been married 17 years ago.

Soitis83 · 03/08/2024 18:45

Yeah somewhat, he wasn't my usual type at first but he was tall and I liked that. Then I got the ick for a short while. Now I fancy him more than any man I've ever fancied because he's so fantastic and an amazing dad to our children.

dothehokeycokey · 03/08/2024 18:48

We crossed paths a few times before actually
Going out for drinks with friends and there was a definite chemistry instantly.

I found him intriguing and interesting and that's what ticks my brain.

Weve been married for 20 years and still have that chemistry.

Original poster
Pinkflowersxo · 03/08/2024 18:56

Aquamarine1029 · 03/08/2024 18:28

I guess I have this thing in my head where I believe the men who will be good I won't be attracted to.

Until you fix this and figure out why you think this way, you will continue to gravitate towards shit men. You need to figure out why you find dysfunction so appealing.

It's not that I'm attracted to men who treat me badly. I mean is it unlikely that I will meet a man who I am sexually attracted to who is also a good man. As I've picked bad men before

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkflowersxo · 03/08/2024 18:57

Hatty65 · 03/08/2024 18:35

I didn't particularly fancy him, but I liked him a lot as a person and thought he was a genuinely nice bloke.

We've had 25 years together and I love him to bits. He's my utter rock. I'll never regret looking past the fact that I didn't instantly find him sexy and good looking, and I'd rather not be with someone who judged me on my looks either.

Thank you this makes a lot of sense. I honestly want a good man who is reliable and kind. I think I'm starting to realise you can't just go write it off because there was no Initial " sexual spark " x

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkflowersxo · 03/08/2024 18:59

People say you can't date someone if you are not sexually attracted to them but I wondered if this can grow.. if a man has good qualities. I have met good men before but didn't continue as there was no spark I didn't see myself sleeping with them but if I'm honest with myself I didn't really give them a chance. I guess I just wanted to see how many women in happy marriages / relationships were ever instantly attracted to there partners in the first place ! X

OP posts:
NewtGuineaPig · 03/08/2024 19:06

No. We worked together a long time and I was in a relationship with someone. After my relationship ended he made a move and I was really shocked for a few seconds as I had never looked at him that way and then it was as if my brain suddenly did a reassessment and was enthusiastically attracted to him. I think you can definitely look at someone differently when you know them better or something happens.

MaybeBaby2024 · 03/08/2024 19:07

The attraction can grow for sure. When I first met my DP he wasn’t my usual type looks-wise and I didn’t find him sexually attractive but we got on so well, I felt really comfortable with him and he treated me better than any other guy ever has. But I wasn’t feeling that spark of passion so I ended things. Never forgot him.

A few years later we happened to cross paths again and I gave him another chance. 4 years down the line we are very happy together. The sexual attraction is there now and I think when you’re attracted to who they are on the inside they become physically attractive to you as well if that makes sense?

GigiAnnna · 03/08/2024 19:10

I was to an extent. I'd fancied men more at first glance but within the first week of dating something just clicked and I went crazy for him and now fancy him more than any of those other men. So it can develop, but I also know at first look if I absolutely will never fancy someone.

Mrsttcno1 · 03/08/2024 19:11

I was instantly attracted to my husband and still am just as obsessed with him now as I was then. I think feelings can grow but in my opinion you do have to fancy the person you’re with, there has to be that sexual chemistry/attraction otherwise you end up basically living with a best friend rather than a romantic partner. My best friend did similar to what you are proposing OP, and her partner was an amazing man, genuinely lovely, kind, thoughtful, but after a few years she said it was just like living with her best friend and while that’s lovely she wanted that “I want to rip your clothes off” passion as well. Everyone is different though

Dilbertian · 03/08/2024 19:12

I was, but love is different to lust. And love came long afterwards. Love came from really getting to know each other.

Nearly 30y on we still love each other. Love lasts long after lust wears off.

honeyfox · 03/08/2024 19:14

No, we worked in the same place for a few years and I would have laughed like a drain if someone had told me we would end up married! But we went to an event together and during the course of the day something clicked in my head (pheromones?), I spent the weekend at his place and after that we started dating. Married seven years now and very happy.

Blisterly · 03/08/2024 19:17

I feel like I have read a lot of similar threads to this today. If you’re not the same person, have a look at the other threads.

I think you need to ask yourself what you find attractive. There is someone for everyone.

Meadowwild · 03/08/2024 19:23

Yes, I was instantly attracted. But not in that utter weak at the knees lust way. Within 15 minutes of meeting him I was thinking: I could never get bored of that face. DH has an amazing rugged face that can look really masculine at times and almost boyish at times. I just love that about him.It fits with his personality too, he is very reliable and also very funny and silly sometimes. I also thought (after 15 minutes): Oh you are the man I want to marry. It all makes sense now! I really did think that instantly, When I admitted that to him, he said, Oh my God I'd have run a mile if I'd known that! It took me at least an hour!

Before i met him I had affairs which were physically more blindingly exciting than the physical relationship I have with DH. But they came with problematic, demanding men. And also, I realised I actually didn't want that long term. I didn't want marriage with a man who distracted me out of my head with lust 24/7. I wanted a man I found attractive and felt warm and calm around, so I could concentrate on my own life and goals. 30 years married and we still get on, work out our issues, have adventures, find each other sexy, surprise eachother. It is not easy or perfect but it is sustainable, and I really wanted that and still do. I value that.

Mama1980 · 03/08/2024 19:41

No I knew objectively he is physically ally gorgeous but I didn't find him attractive as such until he continually made me laugh.

Original poster
Pinkflowersxo · 03/08/2024 19:43

Meadowwild · 03/08/2024 19:23

Yes, I was instantly attracted. But not in that utter weak at the knees lust way. Within 15 minutes of meeting him I was thinking: I could never get bored of that face. DH has an amazing rugged face that can look really masculine at times and almost boyish at times. I just love that about him.It fits with his personality too, he is very reliable and also very funny and silly sometimes. I also thought (after 15 minutes): Oh you are the man I want to marry. It all makes sense now! I really did think that instantly, When I admitted that to him, he said, Oh my God I'd have run a mile if I'd known that! It took me at least an hour!

Before i met him I had affairs which were physically more blindingly exciting than the physical relationship I have with DH. But they came with problematic, demanding men. And also, I realised I actually didn't want that long term. I didn't want marriage with a man who distracted me out of my head with lust 24/7. I wanted a man I found attractive and felt warm and calm around, so I could concentrate on my own life and goals. 30 years married and we still get on, work out our issues, have adventures, find each other sexy, surprise eachother. It is not easy or perfect but it is sustainable, and I really wanted that and still do. I value that.

Aww this makes a lot of sense. Also I really like what you said about previous partner things maybe being more psychically exciting but that's not what you wanted long term. It's funny because when I'm talking about finding a man attractive it's not always the model like men or the 6 ft men sometimes it's just that there's something about them. I think I have this false belief that you cannot be sexually attracted to the "good guys " but I can imagine if someone is really lovely how it could grow.. I just really want to change my ways I cannnot end up in another abusive relationship 🙈 not that I'm ready to date right now but this has been something that kept me with my abusive ex thinking I'd never find anyone better x

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkflowersxo · 03/08/2024 19:44

Blisterly · 03/08/2024 19:17

I feel like I have read a lot of similar threads to this today. If you’re not the same person, have a look at the other threads.

I think you need to ask yourself what you find attractive. There is someone for everyone.

I will have a look for those threads thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkflowersxo · 03/08/2024 19:47

Mrsttcno1 · 03/08/2024 19:11

I was instantly attracted to my husband and still am just as obsessed with him now as I was then. I think feelings can grow but in my opinion you do have to fancy the person you’re with, there has to be that sexual chemistry/attraction otherwise you end up basically living with a best friend rather than a romantic partner. My best friend did similar to what you are proposing OP, and her partner was an amazing man, genuinely lovely, kind, thoughtful, but after a few years she said it was just like living with her best friend and while that’s lovely she wanted that “I want to rip your clothes off” passion as well. Everyone is different though

This is what worries me. It's ironic because my abusive ex I wasn't sexually attracted to at the start but I really fell for his personality.. he seemed kind and genuine ( crazy I know). However surely there has to be a certain amount of attraction. I would hate to end up in the way you described your friend. Sometimes I think am I just settling if I date someone I know I'm not attracted to but I am with him because he's kind , how often do men do this with women ? Interesting .. xx

OP posts:
curiouslycoy · 03/08/2024 19:50

It was love at first sight. He was so much more attractive in person than his dating profile. We spoke non stop all night, like no one else was in the room.

Swept me off my feet with how thoughtful and romantic he was, we have been together 12 years and married for 8 with two DCs.

Problem is I don't know if we are compatible now. I was so swept away with his funny humour and thoughtfulness I totally missed how emotionally unavailable he always has been and remains to be. I guess I didn't realise until a year or so down the line when I needed him emotionally for the first time when something went wrong.

I feel so lonely. And don't think we are sexually compatible, the sex is bad and we have it only 12 times a year (at best). Not sure if this because of two young DCs but I'm panicking.

So to conclude, yes but not anymore.

WhatThenEh · 03/08/2024 19:53

This reply has been deleted

This post has been withdrawn at the request of the user.

curiouslycoy · 03/08/2024 19:54

Dilbertian · 03/08/2024 19:12

I was, but love is different to lust. And love came long afterwards. Love came from really getting to know each other.

Nearly 30y on we still love each other. Love lasts long after lust wears off.

Think this is where I went wrong. Was so in lust and always longed for someone to love me and look after me as my parents neglected me and I was rejected by many men and 'friends' due to low self esteem.

DH just made me feel the love and security I longed for but I've more or less regressed into a child. He does everything for me and is finally fed up. So am I. We have no emotional connection and he shows his affection by 'doing'.

TeamPolin · 03/08/2024 19:54

Not initially - but I liked him enormously and respected him and attraction grew from that. After 20 odd years together, I now think he's a silver fox! 😁