Flirting with colleague

[TheTruthAndTheWell]

DP (10 years). I was reading an article on his work laptop (he asked me to review it) when a chat from a colleague he was out with last night came up.

He had started the conversation "Good morning darling..."
They preceed to make small talk about him travelling home from an event last night.
She asks about the journey, he said train was hot, she asks it make him sweaty, he replied that sweaty EVERYWHERE!.

She's junior to him and he was helping her feel better about herself last night (she had already come up in conversation today... he had to take her by the arm to get her from the office to the pub as she wasn't sure if she would go)

okay writing this down it doesn't seem much. I feel he's been disrespectful. Why's he instigating conversation by calling her darling. Would anyone else feel this was disrespectful?

I feel there is scope for her to misinterpret his intentions and he should be more professional (new job, he's not been there long).

(Back story: He has form, in early years he would use OLD to start conversations and flirt with women. At least one led to a meet. We've worked through that but has it left me oversensitive?)

I think it seems a lot, and frankly, pretty appalling and predatory. Please don’t diminish his actions, or your valid feelings of revulsion.

You say he has form; is there a reason, such as financial dependency, that’s forcing you to tolerate this denigrating behaviour? Or can you leave?

You are NOT oversensitive.
Please don't doubt your instincts here. His behaviour is completely unacceptable. Especially since he's done it in the past and he knows how much it's hurt you. The trust has already been broken once, then slowly repaired, only to be shattered again.
I'd be very hesitant to give him a third chance.

Why is he calling her darling?
Why is he physically touching her?
Why does he see it as his job to make her feel better about her self?
Why is he flirting with her in messages?
Sounds like a lot of boundaries are being crossed OP.
I

You’re downplaying it. He has form for seeking ego kibbles and getting validation from other women. There is something predatory about his texts.

This is not appropriate. ‘Darling’ is not appropriate.

Do not gaslight yourself here. He has crossed some serious lines.

I'm not sure his HR department would be overly enamoured with his behaviour either

I'm happy for my DH to have female friends. I wouldn't be happy if he called them darling or "took them by the arm" to persuade them to go to the pub after work. I don't think you're being over sensitive.

Ego kibbles is such a great phrase

I would be both pissed off and suspicious at this

Thanks all. I'm the slowly boiled Frog here and couldn't tell the water was hot.

Thanks to the poster that said it feels predatory, yes, exactly that. I find myself feeling worried / sorry for the girl, not jealous of her but couldn't reconcile why that was, you've hit it on the head.

Not financially dependent, it's my house we live in and whilst more comfortable with dual income I can support it on my own (unfortunately in the middle of some big building expenses right now but I can free up some equity to cover that). No kids just a dog (also fully registered to me).

I'm very laid back about male/female friendships but this sounds a bit off. I wouldn't like it if an older male colleague called me darling or took me to the pub by the arm!!

He had started the conversation "Good morning darling..."

Um yeah. That isn't flirting OP..... It's massively inappropriate and overfamiliar. Not once have I called a work colleague a term of endearment, even when I was single.

And the comments about sweating are rank.

Sorry didn't mean to quote the whole OP!!!

This is, at the very least, completely unprofessional, even if she is reciprocating. If you are in a monogamous relationship, it is also very disrespectful to you.

Agree it's so unprofessional.

At his last place I saw a message where he was telling a junior female colleague he'd ought to "put her over his knee".

It's all justified as he's done nothing wrong, it's just banter, etc.

I think it's unprofessional, disrespectful to me, and creates a platform for cheating in future (as so many barriers are already crossed).

If these are two random conversations I've seen by chance, God knows what I'd find if I looked.

I also worry this is just normal male behaviour.

If I go into another relationship in future it'll just be the same and I'll have been through all the hurt of a break up to be in the same shit.

Otherwise the relationship is good. Very good. He's my best friend, we do loads together and it would be a big part of my life gone if he wasn't here.

Put a colleague over his knee?? Yuck! It really shows you what's going through his mind. If a colleague said that to me I'd be very uncomfortable and quite disgusted! If he doesn't have a reputation as a bit of a sex pest already, he soon will.

It's not normal - I'm nearly 50 and have never had a male colleague say he's going to put me over his knee or message me in the morning saying "Hello darling". I have become friends with several male colleagues so we do message each other and have some "banter" but it's always completely appropriate. If one of my male friends started saying what your husband says, they wouldn't be my friend anymore.

Ask yourself, in all your years in the workplace. How many male colleagues have behaved this way to you.
I can - luckily - count mine on 1 hand. So of dozens and dozens of men I've worked with, maybe 3 have made these kinds of remarks. And all of them have had to explain their behaviour to HR.
Not all men behave this way. Not all men are out to sexualise every single interaction they have with women. And regardless of what nice qualities he has, that doesn't negate the damage he's doing here, both to you and to these female colleagues.
And this defense that these are just jokes. A joke is only funny when the audience is laughing. And nobody seems to find this amusing.

I don't think saying 'darling', texting first, saying he was sweaty everywhere (ew) or put you over my knees is necessarily flirting because there are men who talk like that in cheeky banter and when they actually flirt they are quieter, more thoughtful and even overly formal, some become cold and withdrawn when they fancy someone that you have to wonder whether there is a problem.

My husband doesn't ordinarily talk like this so I would know for him this would be overfamiliar and flirty, but some men and women talk like this.

This website will draw comments from people from conservative and non UK backgrounds, more middleclass who may not be familiar with cheeky British working class kind of banter. You know your husband best, you know if this is how he usually talks or if this is affair talk. Instead of it being either you're oversensitive or he is cheating, it could also just be his personality and you don't like it.

Time to peace out of this relationship, my love. Your instincts are there to protect you, and too many women are conditioned to ignore them and tolerate "boys will be boys" behaviour.

Fuck.

That.

You own your own house, and it's clear from your writing that you're a confident, eloquent, and self sufficient woman.

Ditch him, and start living the life that you've worked so hard to build and that you deserve.

It’s not normal and your relationship isn’t good because he doesn’t respect you if he’s messaging other women and acting inappropriately. You deserve better. He’s a creep. If a colleague of mine had said he’d put me over his knee his testicles would be introduced to my foot.

God, OP. He's just a dirty old man isn't he??

I briefly dated a man in his 50s who, as I discovered, was a bit of a letch. The sort who would make similarly inappropriate comments to younger colleagues under the guise of being a kindly older gentleman who wanted to get into their knickers support and mentor them whilst being a little bit cheeky because, well, we're all adults arent we?

He became quite upset one day because he felt his (older female) boss was bullying him. When he told me why he thought this, it was really obvious that she had got the measure of him and just didn't like him.

That's your partner, that is.

@TheTruthAndTheWell

I have worked in completely male dominated environments for 20 years. Not once have I had - or heard of - a male colleague say "I'm going to put you over my knee" or texting "good morning darling".

That is not normal male behaviour.

He's just trying to make you think it is to justify it.

If I go into another relationship in future it'll just be the same

Only if you allow it to be.

It sounds OP as though he has done a good job on convincing you this behaviour is OK.
Even if he isn't intending to have a relationship with this woman - and it sounds very much as though that's what's on his mind - it's just so disrespectful to you and your marriage.

If my boss called me ‘darling’ I’d be looking for another job. And I certainly wouldn’t want to think about where he might be sweating!