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Original poster

Flirting with colleague

63 replies

TheTruthAndTheWell · 02/08/2024 10:03

DP (10 years). I was reading an article on his work laptop (he asked me to review it) when a chat from a colleague he was out with last night came up.

He had started the conversation "Good morning darling..."
They preceed to make small talk about him travelling home from an event last night.
She asks about the journey, he said train was hot, she asks it make him sweaty, he replied that sweaty EVERYWHERE!.

She's junior to him and he was helping her feel better about herself last night (she had already come up in conversation today... he had to take her by the arm to get her from the office to the pub as she wasn't sure if she would go)

okay writing this down it doesn't seem much. I feel he's been disrespectful. Why's he instigating conversation by calling her darling. Would anyone else feel this was disrespectful?

I feel there is scope for her to misinterpret his intentions and he should be more professional (new job, he's not been there long).

(Back story: He has form, in early years he would use OLD to start conversations and flirt with women. At least one led to a meet. We've worked through that but has it left me oversensitive?)

OP posts:

J23 · 08/08/2024 21:14

I once had a manager say he’d put me over his knee and spank my bottom and I just looked at him in complete shock - I think he had misjudged the situation terribly and he ended up bullying me horribly!! He passed it all off as “banter” but I was very much offended by it all. However I do think this was just the sort of person he was and it wasn’t personal to me. I just didn’t reciprocate in his sense of humour. It sounds like your DP is a banter sort of person, but in my opinion if it upsets you, he should understand and rein it back. Saying it’s harmless banter is only really true if it doesn’t actually upset anyone. If my husband treated any female work colleague in such a way it would be completely unacceptable to me and if I saw a email like that I would 100% pull him up on it. Can you find a way of saying it makes you feel very uncomfortable? I think at the very least he is being overfamiliar. Rest assured though you are not being unreasonable and any committed partner should respect your feelings xx

Roboticleg · 08/08/2024 21:32

Yeah thats not male banter…. Hes over the line, if not now soon. Confront or risk being cheated on.

UKAus · 09/08/2024 13:18

TheTruthAndTheWell · 02/08/2024 11:26

I also worry this is just normal male behaviour.

If I go into another relationship in future it'll just be the same and I'll have been through all the hurt of a break up to be in the same shit.

Otherwise the relationship is good. Very good. He's my best friend, we do loads together and it would be a big part of my life gone if he wasn't here.

This is NOT normal behaviour. My partner is my best friend and would NEVER think this behaviour was o.k. He sounds predatory and that is not normal office banter. There are alot better relationships out there, as well as a lot worse relationships. Decide for yourself what your line is and if he has crossed it. This would not be acceptable in our relationship. And yes we both have friends of the opposite sex.

H112 · 09/08/2024 15:57

TheTruthAndTheWell · 02/08/2024 10:03

DP (10 years). I was reading an article on his work laptop (he asked me to review it) when a chat from a colleague he was out with last night came up.

okay writing this down it doesn't seem much. I feel he's been disrespectful. Why's he instigating conversation by calling her darling. Would anyone else feel this was disrespectful?

I feel there is scope for her to misinterpret his intentions and he should be more professional (new job, he's not been there long).

(Back story: He has form, in early years he would use OLD to start conversations and flirt with women. At least one led to a meet. We've worked through that but has it left me oversensitive?)

He has form in the early days.. Why didn't you leave then?

Darling is so creepy. The only person who calls me that is a much older doctor in work who I know is just being sweet. This is so creepy deffo something going on here.

greenwoodentablelegs · 09/08/2024 16:03

Worked in a male dominated area for donkeys years. No man has ever called me ‘darling’ on chat and talked about getting sweaty.

yuck !!!

J23 · 09/08/2024 21:24

“ I once had a manager say he’d put me over his knee and spank my bottom and I just looked at him in complete shock “

I should have said I was in my 40’s at the time 🤣

XChrome · 09/08/2024 22:57

TheTruthAndTheWell · 02/08/2024 11:22

Agree it's so unprofessional.

At his last place I saw a message where he was telling a junior female colleague he'd ought to "put her over his knee".

It's all justified as he's done nothing wrong, it's just banter, etc.

I think it's unprofessional, disrespectful to me, and creates a platform for cheating in future (as so many barriers are already crossed).

If these are two random conversations I've seen by chance, God knows what I'd find if I looked.

That comment about him putting a colleague over his knee is sick and sexist. I'm amazed he hasn't been accused of sexual harassment. I'm sorry OP, but he is a predatory pervert. There is nothing that will change that. First you need to face this reality in order to formulate a plan of action. I very much doubt he has limited himself to flirting. If you need a hard reality check in order to face the truth about him, hire a private investigator to find out if he's cheating.

knittingandminim · 10/08/2024 02:44

Potatoe2000 · 02/08/2024 11:51

I don't think saying 'darling', texting first, saying he was sweaty everywhere (ew) or put you over my knees is necessarily flirting because there are men who talk like that in cheeky banter and when they actually flirt they are quieter, more thoughtful and even overly formal, some become cold and withdrawn when they fancy someone that you have to wonder whether there is a problem.

My husband doesn't ordinarily talk like this so I would know for him this would be overfamiliar and flirty, but some men and women talk like this.

This website will draw comments from people from conservative and non UK backgrounds, more middleclass who may not be familiar with cheeky British working class kind of banter. You know your husband best, you know if this is how he usually talks or if this is affair talk. Instead of it being either you're oversensitive or he is cheating, it could also just be his personality and you don't like it.

Eww

Songbird54321 · 11/08/2024 15:33

My manager has referred to me as ‘my darling’ before but it was face to face and sarcastic because of my foul mood that day. We have a great working relationship, in fact I do with pretty much all the managers (male and female). We could jokingly refer to each other as dear etc without anyone batting an eyelid, however, it is infrequent and we definitely do not message outside of work.
It is inappropriate at best. I wouldn’t be happy at all, especially given his history.

Teacherprebaby · 11/08/2024 15:48

TheTruthAndTheWell · 02/08/2024 11:26

I also worry this is just normal male behaviour.

If I go into another relationship in future it'll just be the same and I'll have been through all the hurt of a break up to be in the same shit.

Otherwise the relationship is good. Very good. He's my best friend, we do loads together and it would be a big part of my life gone if he wasn't here.

This is not "normal male behavior"! Unfortunately this is YOUR PARTNER'S behavior. Don't justify it by thinking all men behave like this, they don't.

Gretty264 · 11/08/2024 23:56

You’d get fired for this in my UK workplace and I work in male dominated workplace. That is not innocent and is disgusting. If she’s reciprocating and not politely ignoring him then you can have high confidence it has gone further. Most women would ignore in appropriate comment or report it, they wouldn’t encourage it further if they were not involved

PennyApril54 · 04/02/2025 18:56

MapleTreeValley · 02/08/2024 10:21

I'm happy for my DH to have female friends. I wouldn't be happy if he called them darling or "took them by the arm" to persuade them to go to the pub after work. I don't think you're being over sensitive.

Edited

This. Took her by the arm sounds forceful and ridiculous. It kind of gives me the creeps him even telling you that. Who does he think he is? He needs to be told to stop touching people. If she wants to go to the pub she will she doesn't need coerced by a colleague in any circumstances.
Id tell him you're annoyed about the interaction but this plus previous behavior might have been reconsidering the whole thing. I'm sorry

LastOfTheWinterWine · 04/02/2025 19:05

Tell him you saw it, that it makes you uncomfortable. It easily could be classed as heading into emotional affair territory.
There's also the risk of a HR meeting with regards to sexual harassment.
Is the ego boost really worth losing his job and partner?

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