Page 2 | Flirting with colleague

TheTruthAndTheWell · 2024-08-02T09:03:28+00:00

DP (10 years). I was reading an article on his work laptop (he asked me to review it) when a chat from a colleague he was out with last night came up. He had started the conversation "Good morning darling..." They preceed to make small talk about him travelling home from an event last night. She asks about the journey, he said train was hot, she asks it make him sweaty, he replied that sweaty EVERYWHERE!. She's junior to him and he was helping her feel better about herself last night (she had already come up in conversation today... he had to take her by the arm to get her from the office to the pub as she wasn't sure if she would go) okay writing this down it doesn't seem much. I feel he's been disrespectful. Why's he instigating conversation by calling her darling. Would anyone else feel this was disrespectful? I feel there is scope for her to misinterpret his intentions and he should be more professional (new job, he's not been there long). (Back story: He has form, in early years he would use OLD to start conversations and flirt with women. At least one led to a meet. We've worked through that but has it left me oversensitive?)

Shineabrightlight · 02/08/2024 14:43

Potatoe2000 · 02/08/2024 11:51

I don't think saying 'darling', texting first, saying he was sweaty everywhere (ew) or put you over my knees is necessarily flirting because there are men who talk like that in cheeky banter and when they actually flirt they are quieter, more thoughtful and even overly formal, some become cold and withdrawn when they fancy someone that you have to wonder whether there is a problem.

My husband doesn't ordinarily talk like this so I would know for him this would be overfamiliar and flirty, but some men and women talk like this.

This website will draw comments from people from conservative and non UK backgrounds, more middleclass who may not be familiar with cheeky British working class kind of banter. You know your husband best, you know if this is how he usually talks or if this is affair talk. Instead of it being either you're oversensitive or he is cheating, it could also just be his personality and you don't like it.

I think is quite an elitist point of view: That's how the working class behave?
I think that's called stereotyping.

MarmaladeJammer · 02/08/2024 15:02

Potatoe2000 · 02/08/2024 11:51

I don't think saying 'darling', texting first, saying he was sweaty everywhere (ew) or put you over my knees is necessarily flirting because there are men who talk like that in cheeky banter and when they actually flirt they are quieter, more thoughtful and even overly formal, some become cold and withdrawn when they fancy someone that you have to wonder whether there is a problem.

My husband doesn't ordinarily talk like this so I would know for him this would be overfamiliar and flirty, but some men and women talk like this.

This website will draw comments from people from conservative and non UK backgrounds, more middleclass who may not be familiar with cheeky British working class kind of banter. You know your husband best, you know if this is how he usually talks or if this is affair talk. Instead of it being either you're oversensitive or he is cheating, it could also just be his personality and you don't like it.

The amount of classism coming from this!
In my experience (manufacturing) it has been the other way round, the most disgusting racist and sexist things have been said to me by white, well educated, well to do managers. And they get away with it because of attitudes like yours, whos going to believe Hugo's just a racist stinky old perv, he went to a Russell group university. On the other hand when dealing with those that worked in the factory nothing but respect and even deferrence when I was the voice of experience in the room.

MsNeis · 02/08/2024 15:05

Lipstickandlashes · 02/08/2024 10:08

I think it seems a lot, and frankly, pretty appalling and predatory. Please don’t diminish his actions, or your valid feelings of revulsion.

You say he has form; is there a reason, such as financial dependency, that’s forcing you to tolerate this denigrating behaviour? Or can you leave?

Agree.

Original poster

TheTruthAndTheWell · 02/08/2024 17:16

Potatoe2000 · 02/08/2024 11:51

I don't think saying 'darling', texting first, saying he was sweaty everywhere (ew) or put you over my knees is necessarily flirting because there are men who talk like that in cheeky banter and when they actually flirt they are quieter, more thoughtful and even overly formal, some become cold and withdrawn when they fancy someone that you have to wonder whether there is a problem.

My husband doesn't ordinarily talk like this so I would know for him this would be overfamiliar and flirty, but some men and women talk like this.

This website will draw comments from people from conservative and non UK backgrounds, more middleclass who may not be familiar with cheeky British working class kind of banter. You know your husband best, you know if this is how he usually talks or if this is affair talk. Instead of it being either you're oversensitive or he is cheating, it could also just be his personality and you don't like it.

He doesn't normally talk like this, he also didn't call any of the men he said good morning too "Darling". Nor did he get in to wink wink conversations about been hot and sweaty with them. He wouldn't even put darling on a message to me.

I had a colleague once who called everyone Darling (they could not remember names!) But it was said openly in every greating, to everyone, infront of everyone. This is not the same.

OP posts:

LilacRaven · 02/08/2024 17:33

TheTruthAndTheWell · 02/08/2024 11:26

I also worry this is just normal male behaviour.

If I go into another relationship in future it'll just be the same and I'll have been through all the hurt of a break up to be in the same shit.

Otherwise the relationship is good. Very good. He's my best friend, we do loads together and it would be a big part of my life gone if he wasn't here.

No it's not normal male behaviour. Based on your backstory he showed you early days he is a cheater. This is normal behaviour for a cheater.

Alizzle · 07/08/2024 22:13

TheTruthAndTheWell · 02/08/2024 11:26

I also worry this is just normal male behaviour.

If I go into another relationship in future it'll just be the same and I'll have been through all the hurt of a break up to be in the same shit.

Otherwise the relationship is good. Very good. He's my best friend, we do loads together and it would be a big part of my life gone if he wasn't here.

I have quite a few male friends, this is not typical male behaviour, though I might be biased by age (mid to late 30s). I feel older than this its more common and ingrained.
Is this a hill you want to die on? Do you think a discussion around it would change his behaviour? You say the rest of your relationship is good but you're on here for a reason.

feelingfree17 · 07/08/2024 22:20

What a creep
Get rid

BBBusterkeys · 07/08/2024 22:31

TheTruthAndTheWell · 02/08/2024 11:26

I also worry this is just normal male behaviour.

If I go into another relationship in future it'll just be the same and I'll have been through all the hurt of a break up to be in the same shit.

Otherwise the relationship is good. Very good. He's my best friend, we do loads together and it would be a big part of my life gone if he wasn't here.

This is not normal
male behaviour. If a male colleague at work called me darling I would be stopping that quick smart. If it continued or I felt unable to discuss it directly, I would be raising it with my management.

Also, basically forcing her to go to the pub by grabbing her arm. Nope

That is completely inappropriate behaviour for a workplace. At the very least he will be considered the office creep, and his female work colleagues will be warning each other about him.

Your DH needs to stop this sh*t, if for nothing else than his own protection. That behaviour will get him sacked.

FictionalCharacter · 07/08/2024 22:39

"okay writing this down it doesn't seem much"
Oh yes it does. His behaviour is appalling. He's a sleazy, grubby man behaving very inappropriately in the workplace.
And no, it is NOT normal for men to be like this.

socialdilemmawhattodo · 07/08/2024 22:45

It's fairly clear isn't it that this isn't normal professional behaviour to a colleague? It is over the line, unprofessional and sleazy. Why did he leave his last job?

I am sorry for you - 10 years is a good long time to have committed to someone. But he has clearly chosen on several occasions not to be that committed. And no, you are not oversensitive.

Nosygirl01 · 07/08/2024 23:55

The Whole office to pub thing just sounds weird to me, why did he tell you that? Was it a cover incase anyone saw them together and told you? Making her feel better about herself? In what way? Why does he feel the need to do that? I’d be unhappy with a lot of what’s gone on to be honest

Katej82 · 07/08/2024 23:57

Lipstickandlashes · 02/08/2024 10:08

I think it seems a lot, and frankly, pretty appalling and predatory. Please don’t diminish his actions, or your valid feelings of revulsion.

You say he has form; is there a reason, such as financial dependency, that’s forcing you to tolerate this denigrating behaviour? Or can you leave?

Agree 💯

BobbyBiscuits · 08/08/2024 00:08

'Making her feel better about herself' by physically practically dragging her to a pub when was not keen on going?
How does he figure that? What a bull shitter he is. And he already openly was trying to cheat on you at the beginning of your relationship. Which is meant to be the honeymoon period?
He sounds so deeply untrustworthy I don't know how you can be with him. So you are not oversensitive whatsoever. I think you should consider if he really respects you or not?

MrsDamonSalvatore · 08/08/2024 00:59

He sounds as creepy as hell! Did the woman return the banter or was she just appearing to play along because he’s senior to her? (She may be afraid to rock the boat.) If he is overstepping the mark, he can expect a call from HR if /when she plucks up the courage to complain. If she’s a willing participant then he could be gearing up to take things further. Either way, it’s very disrespectful to you to talk to other women like that and I wouldn’t put up with it.

waterrat · 08/08/2024 03:26

If she is junior this is harassment

Sweaty everywhere??? Absolutely gross comment...I genuinely consider this serious sexual harassment to talk to a colleague like this.

It's not normal. I don't know men who do this and I've worked in offices for 20 years

waterrat · 08/08/2024 03:26

And no it is not banter to insinuate your genitals are sweating in a message to a junior colleague

Southern68 · 08/08/2024 04:35

I would have said to him ' this would be interesting reading for HR, I'm sure they'd be sacking you for inappropriate behaviour', and 'what makes you think it's acceptable to talk like this to woman, and one who isn't your wife. In future keep your Betty swallocks talk to yourself and if you're sweaty have a shower you grubby sod'

Thevelvelletes · 08/08/2024 06:43

TheTruthAndTheWell · 02/08/2024 11:26

I also worry this is just normal male behaviour.

If I go into another relationship in future it'll just be the same and I'll have been through all the hurt of a break up to be in the same shit.

Otherwise the relationship is good. Very good. He's my best friend, we do loads together and it would be a big part of my life gone if he wasn't here.

Most definitely not normal male behaviour.
He's a sleazy bastard,I've worked with guys like this they talk like that to female colleagues because they don't get away with it at home.
I've pulled up fuckers for this at work.

tuvamoodyson · 08/08/2024 06:57

SallyWD · 02/08/2024 10:31

I'm very laid back about male/female friendships but this sounds a bit off. I wouldn't like it if an older male colleague called me darling or took me to the pub by the arm!!

To be honest, I don’t think it sounds like she objected.

Leanmeansmitingmachine · 08/08/2024 08:06

At best he’s a regressive creep, at worst he’s a cheating prick.

Sonia1111 · 08/08/2024 09:12

This reminds me of when I was sexually harassed in the workplace by a man in his 50s when I was 21. After much angst, I reported him and found out he already had 7 reports against him. Nothing was done to him. I was very much expendable and he wasn't. This poor girl might be very uncomfortable and distracted by what he is doing and have no experience in how to stop it. Also, and deflection or explanation he comes up with, as a senior staff, will put her down and confuse or frustrate her.

zeibesaffron · 08/08/2024 19:00

He is one of those horrid predatory males; I hope the member of staff has the courage to report him! She was probably trying to get away from the event/him when he decided she absolutely must go to the pub!

This is disgusting behaviour that’s disrespectful to you, but somehow he has convinced you it is all ok!! Either new boundaries are put in place now or leave - as his awfulness is clear for all those who have commented to see.

mamabear7 · 08/08/2024 20:24

SO many alarm bells here… he’s told young women in his workplace he’d put them over his knee, that he’s sweaty and is calling them darling? His misogyny is shocking and he’s going to find himself in front of HR soon… it’s actually harassment. His behaviour would be wrong if he was single but knowing he has a loving wife at home too? So disrespectful to you.
Back out of this relationship now, before you’re the known as the wife of the ‘creepy old guy’
So sorry this is happening to you, the fact you’ve asked for advice shows you know your worth so please don’t forget it 🩷

togethernessoneness · 08/08/2024 20:54

what's your plan op @TheTruthAndTheWell ? after your big renovation are complete?

I too although have strong boundaries regarding my own behaviours, I am generally fairly relaxed about male/female interactions.

but this is not the right foundation of a good relationship- unless 1) you want to know you are being disrespected -as you won't see all of it and 2)he will one day act on this as he met up with one OLD woman. And he is even living in your house?

Yes, I called a male acquaintance 'darling', but he wrote to me first, he is uptight and I know he won't allow many people to call him that but I knew he won't complain, we had some friendship at a time, he didn't know that I knew he had low self-esteem so wanted to cheer him up and make him feel good and most nb, he once did all he could to comfort me when I was confronted with an unexpected death of someone dear to me. so, very different.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 08/08/2024 21:03

Ugh. It reminds me of a Sid James-type character from the old Carry On films. It was sleazy then and it's sleazy now. I always did wonder why Barbara Windsor just giggled and didn't slap him. Maybe some women like all that chat but it's disrespectful if he's got a DW.