Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've had sex twice in the last 12mths, and i'm miserable.

54 replies

Strugglingwithit · 14/04/2008 13:16

We've been together almost 10yrs. The 1st 2yrs were amazing physically- frequent and adventurous. The 3rd year things tapered off a bit, but for almost 7yrs now things have been crappy.

DH never wants sex. We've had sex twice in the last year. While i would be very happy with once a week, it's now been almost 5mths since we did anything.

I often feel rejected, lonely, unattractive, frustrated...but i push it to one side for periods of time (periods which seem to be getting longer) until i feel too hurt to keep it in anymore. I can't initiate anything, and have given up after years of 'no'

DH is sorry- he has zero sex drive, but loves me very much. I end up feeling bad for not being happy with my lot, and not wanting to hurt his feelings by going on about it. If i try talking to him about it, it's called ''pressure'', and it goes nowhere.

Aside from this our relationship is great- we're best mates, share friends and interests, he treats me with great respect, we have a laugh, he's a brilliant Dad.

I have no intention of splitting- we split once almost 4yrs ago, and we were both devastated. I went to counselling to get things off my chest, and that helped greatly for a while. I have come to accept that it's not my fault (ie, i'm not hideous) and i know he's not cheating. I don't think he even masturbates tbh.

But where do i go from here? I wonder whether counselling for me would be a good idea again. I don't think relate would help- plus we'd never get childcare to go together.

Sorry for going on- i have nobody to talk to, and feel very sad right now. Any advice gladly received.

OP posts:
DrNortherner · 14/04/2008 13:19

Must be difficult and I don't know what to suggest. it sounds like sex aside you have a FAB relationship, but, without sex can it stand the test of time?

Has he been to see his GP? What about Viagra?

Original poster
Strugglingwithit · 14/04/2008 13:23

no, he's not been to GP, but i have hinted at him going a couple of times in the past.

i got quite emotional at the weekend, i think he knew why, and later he gave me a hug and said 'i do love you, and i do fancy you' I know he does, but nothing changes.

OP posts:
Boco · 14/04/2008 13:24

There can be several medical reasons for loss of libido. Is he depressed at all? Do you think he'd agree to go to the GP and talk it through do you think? It doesn't sound like it's you who needs the counseling, your reaction is normal and understandable. He does also need to take some responsibility for how this is making you feel, it may be pressure, but it's fair enough really. Could you speak to the GP and see if they have any suggestions?

DrNortherner · 14/04/2008 13:27

Have you sat and told him how bad you feel about this. It's all very well feeling loved, but you need to feel desired also imo. Big step for a man to discuss this with his GP though....

Original poster
Strugglingwithit · 14/04/2008 13:27

he has had depression in the past, but not for several years. the counselling really helped me last time i went- it was good to tell someone how i felt without worrying about their feelings.

OP posts:
chocolatemummy · 14/04/2008 13:31

I come from the other side in that its ME who doesnt want sex. I feel terribly guilty and nervous about it, we haven't had sex for about 9 months and its been like that for last 4 years almost. I love him and do not want to end our relationship and we too are great partners, get on well(better tha alot of couples I know) and hardly ever argue and he is a fab dad etc.
Coming from mhis side of things I dont know what the answer is either, i wish I wanted to sleep with him bu I honestly dont even think about sex apart from feeling guilty.
it is very hard for you (and him) bu you are not alone

Original poster
Strugglingwithit · 14/04/2008 13:33

thanks chocolatemummy.

i'm bloody crying now. i'm afraid i'll wake up one day and really resent him (or myself), but i adore him.

i never thought my sex life would be dead in my 20s.

OP posts:
3kidsisquiteenuff · 14/04/2008 13:34

for us sex has always been a non important thing in our relationship we love each other but it is normally 4 to 5 months between each session(can you call 5 mins a session) and after dd 7 yrs ago we went 9 months without sex but it was because i had pnd.
it must be hard for you to be rejected my dh would love it if i initated sex he would think all his christmasses had come at once

chocolatemummy · 14/04/2008 13:40

lol @ 3kidswuitenuff

Dont cry Strugg..... He prob does desire you, as you said, you know he is not cheating, you have a wonderful relationship other than sex, try and build on those things and create opportunities but without making him feel, oh its candles and dinner so that means I will have to have sex, because it IS Pressure, I had counselling, I dont think you need it, maybe he does? although my counselling from relate was pants, I just have a very low sex drive, have never had a O and after a few years of sex realised that actually making men come when none of them can do it for me just clicked and I guess subconciously I just turned off.

Boco · 14/04/2008 13:42

Poor you.
I just think it doesn't have to be it. The thing about counseling is that I can see the value of you having someone to talk to, but it almost sounds like you having to just accept this is the way it is and find a way to deal with it, rather than you both work together to find a solution - and people can overcome this problem I'm sure of it. You need to be able to communicate about it though, and both be committed to try and find some kind of solution. Do see if he'll speak to his GP, and make him understand how low it's making you.

ktmoomoo · 14/04/2008 13:42

my sex drive is zero
but dh is ok with this we chat about everything we are a very strong coulpe we have been married 10 years AND grow stronger each year , sex is not everything , [although its good when it does happen]i think with us not being at it like rabbits it makes it more special when we do xxx

Original poster
Strugglingwithit · 14/04/2008 13:46

i might ask him about going to the GP Boco, but not this week as i know he's got a stressful week at work.

i'm upset now, but in a few days i'll push it to one side and 'forget' it for a while.

i feel like we're never going to have sex again. i feel like that's over.

OP posts:
zazen · 14/04/2008 13:47

It is difficult not to feel rejected. I have a high sex drive - ie I like it, and would be very happy with at least once a week, (if I'm honest every day) but my Dh and I have had sex three times since our 4yo was born.

Yes, even less than you guys!!

You are not alone. in fact the more I talk with other mums I find that their sex life is terrible also. And some of their DH's sleep in the spare room a lot of the time also.

Like you I have a lovely DH, he's a great Dad, but I'm beginning to think that celibacy's just not enough for me in my life, 'good' marriage or not.

I've also seen a counselor and have had full and frank discussions with my DH. I don't want to end my marriage, but in a way a part of it had ended.

Rejection is difficult, and I know I'm a stone and a half overweight, as it's affected my self image and confidence...

Here's hoping this year 'something' might happen... last year was a desert for us.

hugs your way, hope we 'get lucky' soon!!!

3kidsisquiteenuff · 14/04/2008 13:50

had o's with previous partner but none with dh he just hasnt got his technique right yet !! and probably never will do !!!
i think that you cant have it all and anyone that says they do is LYING

chocolatemummy · 14/04/2008 13:53

wow amazing how frank we can all be together, and amazingly reassuring for me I don't know about the rest of you.
Struggle... dont beat yourself up about it, its quite common and if you really cant handle it, I( and noone would blame you if you couldn't) you'll have to thik about our futurem i am guessing you are not vey old an have a lot of life left , but who is to say if you had a great sex life with someone else, you would also have all the other great things you have with our current partner?
That what keeps me in my place

sandyballs · 14/04/2008 13:56

I'm in a similar situation, we seem to have lost our way sexually and it's very infrequent. We discuss it a lot and say that we need to make 'more effort' with each other, but I don't feel it should be an effort. When we do get down to it, it's great, but DH doesn't seem to be bothered if months go by without any sex.

It's not a nice situation and I understand what you mean when you say you feel unattractive and rejected. Part of me feels angry with DH, I have this view that men should be highly sexed and up for it, which I know is unreasonable, but I can't help it and it souring my relationship with him. We get on great apart from this.

Maybe this is much more common than we realise.

Original poster
Strugglingwithit · 14/04/2008 13:59

chocolate- me too. i'll never find another man like DH, i couldn't imagine being apart.

have just been looking at relate website. i don't know if he'd go though, and someone to have the kids would be v difficult.

OP posts:
MrsMacaroon · 14/04/2008 14:00

I've been through this with my DH on and off for most of our relationship (over 10 yrs) and it can be sooooooo difficult. This can improve but you can't expect it to happen overnight. I wasn't suprised to hear that he has suffered from depression- this is at the root of my DH's low libido... he has had depression for most of his adult life and has been on and off anti-depressants until 3 years ago when he decided not to come off them. He always saw the medication as a sign of weakness but he has come to realise that he NEEDS them. His libido has become much better, although not that regular. I try to keep things really laid back and make an effort with lingerie etc (he's a suspenders/stockings man).
I don't want to be glib about it though- we have nearly separated many times over this and my self esteem has taken a huge bashing... our sex life itself was actually always very good when we actually did it- it was just that in between he didn't seem at all bothered. He still has a problem initiating and tends to let the moment pass unless I reciprocate. This means it's always you that gets rejected...I find that rather than 'how about it?', a slower 'do you like my bra?'...wee while later 'hmmm, you look very handsome today' etc etc approach works better. Not all men are up for a shag 24hrs a day and need a bit of seduction...let him do it back to you- compliment him by telling him how he makes you feel.

Try to take the pressure off- make the objective getting him to partake in a bit of saucy-ness...a bit of dialogue. Maybe phone him at work and build up some anticipation.
In the meantime- he needs to see his GP and deal with any possible depression or repressed sexual issues. You can't make him do this but suggesting it is a good idea.

zazen · 14/04/2008 14:01

That's true 3kids. so many people live according to other's expectations and find it difficult to just say what's actually going on truthfully.

There are swings and roundabouts within every relationship.
And talking here and in RL to other mums and marrieds makes me realise that sex isn't everything: it is quite a lot!!! but it's not everything.

The rejection is the hardest: especially when you've geared yourself up to initiate anything. I feel your pain Struggling - I'm upset now also

MrsMacaroon · 14/04/2008 14:04

Relate helped us also....made me realise i have control issues and DH has severe fear of rejection- he puts everything off and never initiates...hence the months without nooky. Eventually, he got used to being kind of non-sexual and it becomes a massive rut. Work together and you can make it loads better.

Original poster
Strugglingwithit · 14/04/2008 14:07

sorry zazen- didn't mean to make anyone else feel bad.

i've got a bloody headache now from getting upset.

and i don't think ringing him in work would help- he'd be annoyed and bemused and prob dread coming home. i tried sending him a suggestive, complimentary text once when he was at work- he didn't reply, or even mention it.

OP posts:
zazen · 14/04/2008 14:10

Lucky you MrsMacaroon your Dh likes lingerie!!
My Dh hates all that stuff.. just chuckles at my efforts...

I think the myths of the omnipotent male - always up for it - are just as bad as the 'super organsied mum' - you can have it all -myths.

most of the women I know here and in RL have a MUCH higher sex drive than any of their Dhs / DPs.

I think mild depression is the root of our problems also - my Dh doesn't want to go to the GP about it, and would never ever take any meds. arrrgh - it's so frustrating isn't it?

zazen · 14/04/2008 14:13

don't worry about 'making me feel bad' struggling - I'm in charge of my own thoughts and feelings!!! My mantra today!!

It's good to know we are all in the same boat. Makes things seem more bearable, and has helped my self esteem and confidence just to chat here.

ktmoomoo · 14/04/2008 14:16

dont be upset huni [huge hug]we all here to chat, that the great thing about mumsnet xx

MrsMacaroon · 14/04/2008 14:43

he might not respond to what I've suggested- you know him best...what kind of thing did he like when things were lively at the beginning of your relationship? Also, don't give up after one suggestive text. It's not about getting him in the sack- not nice to feel like you have to persuade someone to have sex with you- more just to get things sexy again...do things that make YOU feel sexy, not just him.