I've had sex twice in the last 12mths, and i'm miserable.

[Strugglingwithit]

We've been together almost 10yrs. The 1st 2yrs were amazing physically- frequent and adventurous. The 3rd year things tapered off a bit, but for almost 7yrs now things have been crappy.

DH never wants sex. We've had sex twice in the last year. While i would be very happy with once a week, it's now been almost 5mths since we did anything.

I often feel rejected, lonely, unattractive, frustrated...but i push it to one side for periods of time (periods which seem to be getting longer) until i feel too hurt to keep it in anymore. I can't initiate anything, and have given up after years of 'no'

DH is sorry- he has zero sex drive, but loves me very much. I end up feeling bad for not being happy with my lot, and not wanting to hurt his feelings by going on about it. If i try talking to him about it, it's called ''pressure'', and it goes nowhere.

Aside from this our relationship is great- we're best mates, share friends and interests, he treats me with great respect, we have a laugh, he's a brilliant Dad.

I have no intention of splitting- we split once almost 4yrs ago, and we were both devastated. I went to counselling to get things off my chest, and that helped greatly for a while. I have come to accept that it's not my fault (ie, i'm not hideous) and i know he's not cheating. I don't think he even masturbates tbh.

But where do i go from here? I wonder whether counselling for me would be a good idea again. I don't think relate would help- plus we'd never get childcare to go together.

Sorry for going on- i have nobody to talk to, and feel very sad right now. Any advice gladly received.

It sounds like you might benefit from sex therapy rather than couple counselling, as your relationship is strong. Most Relate Centres offer this. Loss of desire is such a common issue.

He may well be a bit resistant to start with of course.

Agree with charity that Sex therapy would be more appropriate if you are going together.

Also taking things really slowly. Touching is hugely underrated. It's really good to stroke each others hair, feet, give lots of positive attendtion to each others bodies.

Also not to rely on have sex at night time. Schedule in some afternoon time in bed if possible. Just go to bed and read the papers (if someone else can have the kids). DH and I had a day off this morning and the temptation is to start DIY/DO accounts/Clean etc....but do you know what - the kids were at school and the baby was asleep so we went back to bed for an hour and a half. Read the papers and had sex !

I don't think I could put up with a sexless marriage. Sure, you say he is loving, funny, loyal, great Dad etc and you might not get that in another man, but being a great husband and a good shag are not mutually exclusive you know.

You are not living with your best mate, or your brother, he is your husband, your lover and you should desire each other. Of course all the other stuff is needed when ill/down/depressed/knackered, but ultimatley you should desire each other too.

And you are only in your 20's?! Blimey, girl wait to you hit 30 and your libido increases!

Relate offer sex therapy as well as just realtionship counselling. We have had friends who have been to this and it definetly worked for them, they are at it all the time now!

maybe should give it a go myself.

Agree with dr northerner I have lots of friends but just one lover It is something indefineable that only you share.Please get hep you are so young.It isn't everything if both partners have decided to give up on it but that is not the case here.You need to talk to him very candidly

Struggling, I really think that this is something that you can sort out and overcome. He loves you and you had great sex at the beginning, both of these things bode well.

Your hardest job may be getting him to agree to address it together with outside help. I suspect that he is actually deeply unhappy about this too. What man would not care if he lost his sex drive or if he was not satisfying his wife? but unlike you he just shuts it out and probably resists thinking of it in the hope all will be OK as long as it's not acknowledged (the lala hands over ears method of addressing issues so loved by men).

The thought of you sending him a sexy text and him never replying or mentioning it really makes heart go out to him (and you. It sounds like he has lost his ability to be free and sexual with you and has become so inhibited. He would have known that you were waiting for a response and hating himself for being unable to do it.He has ceased to view you and himself as sexual together and that can happend for many reasons, and is very common, but it can be overcome and the sexual side rediscovered.

So, how to persuade him???

I'm guessing he has no sexual urges and does not masturbate?

Can you somehow visually persuade him? Watch a dirty film together, read some erotic fition to get things moving?

Set aside 1 night a week maybe where you go to bed early you turn off teh tv and just massage each other and hold each other. No sex at all. TRy to get him use to close physical contact again and hopefully eventually he will have an urge he can not resist.

Kiss, hold hands, hug, make sure there is lots of physical contact in day to day life.

Thankyou
I thought it was just me its been nearly 6years since my husband & I did IT
When I ask him hes says its not me but him he has NO sex drive
At first I accepted this but the longer it goes on the more hurt upset and know ANGRY I get
I am 35 and a born AGAIN VIRGIN THROU NO CHOICE OF MY OWN
I cant talk to any of my friends as I am embarrased about it
I feel boring and ugly My husband is agreat dad and partner in everyway
I think it doesnt matter bury my head and carry on
But then every now and again it I think about it and I want to scream
My friends complain about their husbands wanting it all the time.
At the moment I would be happy with 1-2 a year

Thankyou
I thought it was just me its been nearly 6years since my husband & I did IT
When I ask him hes says its not me but him he has NO sex drive
At first I accepted this but the longer it goes on the more hurt upset and know ANGRY I get
I am 35 and a born AGAIN VIRGIN THROU NO CHOICE OF MY OWN
I cant talk to any of my friends as I am embarrased about it
I feel boring and ugly My husband is agreat dad and partner in everyway
I think it doesnt matter bury my head and carry on
But then every now and again it I think about it and I want to scream
My friends complain about their husbands wanting it all the time.
At the moment I would be happy with 1-2 a year

MATING IN CAPTIVITY...

it's a book..a BRILLIANT BOOK...written by a couples therapist....easy to read...compulsive infact...really hard to put down!

i can highly recommend it..

i found it helped me to think slightly differently about myself,my attitudes,my expectations and about dp and what he might be experiencing..and certainly it helped me think more OPTIMISTICALLY!

hth x

Strugglingwithit,

I also think sex therapy is a better idea than marriage counselling. Your marriage is strong, so what's the point in counselling?

You are in a similar situation to my wife and I. We had sex once in the last year. Like in your marriage, we had sex frequently in the first two years (unlike yours, very plain vanilla). After that, IVF, children and simple business stymied it, except for a few anomalous months just over a year ago when we were at it like rabbits.

For a long time I was the one who initiated sex, and eventually I asked my wife to do the same. She did. Unfortunately, when she did I simply wasn't interested, and I was never able to help her get me interested. It caused friction. Last year, we just gave up. We were too exhausted with work and children, we'd never really 'clicked' in bed (unlike you), and while I find my wife attractive, I don't find her sexy (possibly my fault, possibly hers, possibly nobody's).

I do masturbate from time to time, but I don't think that is a problem. Masturbation is a lot quicker and easier than sex. It is no more a replacement for sex than a bag of chips is for a meal. I'd encourage you not to be upset if you discover your husband has been beating his bishop.

We both recognise that a problem exists, and we've discussed going for sex therapy. The reason why we haven't is because we simply haven't had the time. I guess if we really wanted to solve the problem we would have found time somehow. Although I do sometimes feel disappointed with my sex life having waited so long for it to begin (religious reasons), I don't really miss having sex with my wife, to be honest. I don't believe for a minute that it will endanger our marriage.

But we will go for sex therapy at some point. Based on what you have said, I strongly believe you should do the same.

I hope this helps.

how do you get your partner to admit that there is a problem????
A problem that is not going to go away

Tried talking about it
tried the silent treatment
tried sticking my head in the sand

what's the problem booblue?

This thread is really very excellent!
I went from feeling very alone to feeling that my life actually isn't that strange after all - and I don't feel alone in my misery, which is a great boon.

Thanks for the book tip beansontoast, I read a little of that book in amazon's 'read a few pages' application, and have to say a lot of things clicked with me and our situation. I'm going to get the book, and will report back.

My Dh and I had a very frank and teary conversation last night and I feel he understands where I'm coming from - rejection with associated lowering self confidence and self esteem are really damaging.
He also understands that for me celibacy isn't an option for me in my life.
And I really listened to what his perspective was also: we run our own business and it takes a lot of our time and energy - and all of his mental and emotional space at the moment. We've discussed time frames for change, and even that has cast a more positive light on our future.

So we shall see what we shall see.
Thanks to everyone who's posted - this feeling of support and community: of not being alone has really helped me!

MrsMacaroon
The problem
Where do I start ?
Not had sex in nearly 6years since the conception of my youngest
When I appoach the subject to my dh he admits he has no sex drive
He feels overweight etc etc
I said I love him no matter what
I support him everyway I can .When he goes to the gym in the morning.I get up with the kids .I congratulate him on weight loss etc
But 6 years later COME ON
He says he wants me
Is this it then 4 ever?????

I agree with zazen
This thread is good
Its nice to know its not just me

All the best zazen

BOOBLUE- major rut! I would lobby for some professional help and investigate why he has no sex drive. Feeling overweight alone isn't a good enough reason- esp as you boost his self-esteem in regard to that. Could he have depression? That is the main cause in my DH's low libido...this can improve but you need to work together, try to lighten up about it, whilst taking it seriously enough (this is the hardest bit I think as it drags you down). Sounds like he knows he has a problem though? That's half the battle. Would he see a GP or has he done that already? Would he go with you to sex therapy? Losing weight is good though...is there any exercise that you could do together?

I want to emphasise that this problem in no way reflects how attractive you all are as women- I felt so down on myself for years even though I rationally knew that I'm not majorly unattractive- I used to model for godsake... this can happen to anyone at any stage in their relationship. I'm feeling better about myself these days and that definately helps our relationship generally, although we've not done it for AGES as I am 40 weeks pregnant and feeling like a heffalump. Friends complaining about husbands constantly badgering them into sex is majorly annoying while going through this- you just want to scream at them to just feel f*cking grateful that someone's interested...

Lol
I have friends like that.I want to slap them
If I told them what it was like at home for me they would pity me.NO THANKS I dont want thier pity
I did tell a male friend who I had known 4 over 20 years so guess what he did???
He tried it on
I didnt respond said F**k off
Did tell dh.he said he would of understood if I had.
Made me feel worse.
I wanted to scream

Thanks for the advice
but we live abroad and we couldnt find the help in english or the childcare
Even if he agreed to go wish i doubt he would
he sticks his head in the sand
trying to talk to him is like pulling teeth.
He says what he thinks I want to hear

Should just accept that this is the way it is

no you shouldn't just accept this- he sounds depressed...the 'he would have understood' if you had slept with the guy is classic depression talk.

there must be someone to help in france...do you speak any french? do you have friends there?

I dont speak French But my dh wouldnt be up for us getting help
He goes within himself when I bring it up
We do have friends here and a good social life.But I could`nt mention this to any of them.I feel embarrased about it.
Thats why I like this thread its a relief to hear its not just me.

i would be very concerned at this lack of communication...the lack of physical intimacy between you has obviously had a real impact on how you relate to each other generally (or vice versa)

i really wouldn't take no for an answer. You can be insistent without bullying or being overbearing...perhaps a letter would be more appropriate if you're getting nowhere...you could ask him to reply by letter if he finds it hard to talk.

Take this one stage at a time. Getting him to communicate in any way about it would be step one...don't think about step two until it happens.

Take sex off the table (ooooh- sex on a table, that would be nice LOL) just now and focus on getting communication going. Do you spend much time together alone?

Wow blushing here "sex on the table"
We do get chance to have time on our own when the kids go bed.And we do get on well
But when the shit hits the fan he will not talk.Its the way its always been no matter what the problem ,kids ,etc etc
He just sits and looks into thin air
Nothing will change threatening to leave bla bla
I told him about this thread he just went quite.He would get arsey if I told him I was on It

well, i talked to DH yesterday. i told him i'm finding it increasingly difficult to put this issue to the back of my mind, that i'm feeling down about it alot. i didn't mention that sometimes i feel a bit bitter about it.

he made a comment that he was a bad husband- i told him he wasn't a bad husband, but that since we've now had sex once in 12mths, we MUST do something about it. i left it there, but i'm going to talk to him tonight about maybe trying a diet change and some supplements as a start, but about him seeing a GP in a few mths if nothing has changed.

I'm also going to make more effort with my appearance, so that i feel a bit more sexy and confident than i do now. I think i might push myself to try and initiate something on the weekend, because i've been too afraid to do that for years because of being rejected so much- if i get knocked back i'm prepared, but at least i'll be making a change.