So confused and very upset - gaslighting?

[VapeVamp12]

My marriage broke down approx. 2 years ago and I started seeing someone about a year ago. I have a young son so we both agreed fairly early I wasn't in for the moving in/ v serious relationship stage but 12 months on we have had some great times and we were spending 2-3 nights a week together (the nights I dont have my son).

Anyway the last few weeks something has changed and this man has completely changed - the way he speaks to me actually shocked me because nothing had happened. I'll have to type out some of our texts because it is hard to explain other wise. On Monday evening he called me after work, he was really off and his tone was just grumpy. I said "shall we speak later when you're in a bit of a better mood" - I didn't mean it nastily just he didn't seem like he wanted to be on the phone so I didn't know why he'd called. He ended the call.

Next thing I get a voice note - he was really angry "I'm not in the mood for your fucking abuse today, I said I was tired - maybe try doing a full days work. If you carry on with your nonsense I will switch my phone off". I work full time but its quite flexible as I am out seeing customers and sometimes if my diary permits I will finish a bit early. At this point the only thing I had said was "shall we speak later"

I looked at my phone in total shock - I couldn't believe it. I just replied saying "what". He didn't reply so about an hour later I said "I don't know what I've done wrong but you've really hurt my feelings with that voice note". He then sent some texts in quick succession:

• Oh here we fucking go
• Oh dear "vapevamp" losing it again, darling?

I just replied "I have no idea what you're talking about"

	Of course you don't you need some fucking help 

I started crying because I genuinely didn't know what was happening.

We dont really argue or havent until now. But I tried to stand up for myself just saying no-one speaks to me like this and he just started sending zzzz emoji's and then did actually switch his phone off.

I sent two more texts one saying, "I have no idea whats happened this evening but you need to apologise" and then "I've done nothing wrong".

The next morning I just get a emoji of a medal saying "quite the performance last night "vapevamp"" and then I went back thru the messages to check what I had said.

I literally feel like i've lost my mind, I havent spoken to him, he hasnt messaged me or called me but i'm so confused.

I've never experienced something like this.

Get rid , it will only get worse

I have no idea why he’s changed but you need the cut him from your life, he sounds horrible.

That sounds completely insane. Only thing I can think is that he wants to end it but is too much of a coward to just say it.
Or, he's showing you who he is to see if you'll put up with it. Run.

Hes definitely showing you a first glimpse of the “real” him. You’ve done nothing wrong! He’s being a prick and I guarantee he’ll apologise in a few days but he WILL do this again and again. I’m sorry- I’d throw this one back ❤️‍🩹

I hope you dump him op. Why would you accept someone speaking to you like that? He isn't a nice man. His mask is starting to slip. Imo this the scratch on the surface of a lot worse to come if you hang around.

Oh wow, thank god you discovered what he was truly like before you moved in together. You have had such a narrow escape.

I would end it immediately. In fact I don't think I'd even tell him it was over, I'd just let his nasty words hang in the air and block him.

Do you have any of his things in your house? If so I would box them up and have them delivered to his house.

I assume he doesn't have a key to your house? It might be worth getting a Ring doorbell fitted in any case.

He’s vile, let him go and retain your sanity in the process.

thank goodness you havn't installed this man in your childs life... you have seen the true him.

don't beg and plead.. end it and move on

Sorry @VapeVamp12 , what’s happened is that after a year the honeymoon period of best behaviour is over. He can’t keep up the pretence of being nice and his true colours are showing.

It may well be correct that he’s had enough of the relationship and wants you to end it. Doesn’t matter - he’s treating you horribly and it’s time to dump him.

The mask has slipped and you are beginning to see the real him.

Please dump him immediately, because this relationship isn't going to mend after that. He was absolutely vile to you after you pulled him up for being obnoxious, and that is the end of the road I reckon.

You don't need a shithead like this in your life.

This sounds like wise advice to me. So sorry OP.

This is very concerning. Had it not been a voice note, I would have suspected someone else had been sending those messages. They sound like they come from a teenager. Please end this relationship.

He doesn't have a key or anyting, I think it was after reading things on MN that I kept that kind of distance, he met my son once when went for lunch and I was only thinking last night thank god I didn't let them get to know one another.

I think i'm just in shock. I'm sad because he seemed like a nice bloke, but like you all say the mask has finally slipped :(

Two options I think.

1 - this is the mask slip and he's showing you who he really is, in which case dump.

2 - He's a pathetic little coward and wants to end the relationship but doesn't have the cojones so he's being a dick in the hopes you'll end it for him, in which case dump.

"Dear Mr Arsehole, I respect myself too much to remain in a relationship with someone who thinks it's acceptable to speak to me like that for no reason, so I think we should go our separate ways now. Have the life you deserve." aaaand block.

omg!! he is so scary, to just change like that, I was going to say are you sure it's him, but after the messages today too it must be.
I wouldn't get into any more conversation with him, he's unstable, I'd just block him, thank god you didn't move him in with your son

I've deleted all his messages because I tried to re-read them earlier and they made me feel sick.

I should have noticed the red flags a few months ago - he has had two long term relationships that he has spken about and both of the women were "psychos" - which I guess is what i'll be referred to as from now on.

Yes that was definitely the red flag, plain and simple. Look after yourself OP, you definitely deserve better.

'Never contact me again'.

Then screenshot it (incase police ever need to be shown) and delete and block as soon as he's read it.

He's unhinged and highly abusive.
Trying to make you think you've done something wrong. It's quite terrifying.

If he shows up at your house, don't answer the door just call the police if he doesn't leave.

If he's ever had a key, change the locks.
If you have his things, drop them with his parents or post them too him recorded delivery.

Oh yes, indeed. I really think you need to thank your lucky stars you have seen this fairly soon on. He sounds like he has some sort of personality disorder.

I knew someone who referred to his wife as a psycho and he told me that his wife's mother had accused him of gaslighting her. It didn't take very long for me to realise that he was indeed the sort of person who would gaslight his wife. I don't think he even realised what he was doing. A sort of split personality disorder. I went complete NC with him.

Thanks everyone, I think I knew the answer before posting but I thought I was losing my mind.

The good thing is you don't live with him, aren't dependent on him and (hopefully) aren't pregnant. So just dump his arse pronto.

His behaviour and lack of accountability for it is really nasty. I dou t very much that he's changed. He was always like this and managed to hide it for a year.

Oh god I could have written this word for word with my ex even down to calling me a psycho. So sorry you have dealt with it.

Jeez you poor woman, no you're not losing your mind that's absolutely disgraceful.

It's going to hurt for a while but one day it'll feel better then one day it just won't.

Thank goodness you didn't let him into your child's life.

Put yourselves first now. Xxx

Quite often they'll say things like 'my ex says I'm a narcissist' or my 'exs mum says I abused her' etc early on. Telling you to see if you'll buy their sob story of being poor, misjudged men with nasty exs.

Always a good way to spot an abuser. Ten minutes in and they're already warning you their exs hate them. Often its for good reason.