So confused and very upset - gaslighting?

[VapeVamp12]

My marriage broke down approx. 2 years ago and I started seeing someone about a year ago. I have a young son so we both agreed fairly early I wasn't in for the moving in/ v serious relationship stage but 12 months on we have had some great times and we were spending 2-3 nights a week together (the nights I dont have my son).

Anyway the last few weeks something has changed and this man has completely changed - the way he speaks to me actually shocked me because nothing had happened. I'll have to type out some of our texts because it is hard to explain other wise. On Monday evening he called me after work, he was really off and his tone was just grumpy. I said "shall we speak later when you're in a bit of a better mood" - I didn't mean it nastily just he didn't seem like he wanted to be on the phone so I didn't know why he'd called. He ended the call.

Next thing I get a voice note - he was really angry "I'm not in the mood for your fucking abuse today, I said I was tired - maybe try doing a full days work. If you carry on with your nonsense I will switch my phone off". I work full time but its quite flexible as I am out seeing customers and sometimes if my diary permits I will finish a bit early. At this point the only thing I had said was "shall we speak later"

I looked at my phone in total shock - I couldn't believe it. I just replied saying "what". He didn't reply so about an hour later I said "I don't know what I've done wrong but you've really hurt my feelings with that voice note". He then sent some texts in quick succession:

• Oh here we fucking go
• Oh dear "vapevamp" losing it again, darling?

I just replied "I have no idea what you're talking about"

	Of course you don't you need some fucking help 

I started crying because I genuinely didn't know what was happening.

We dont really argue or havent until now. But I tried to stand up for myself just saying no-one speaks to me like this and he just started sending zzzz emoji's and then did actually switch his phone off.

I sent two more texts one saying, "I have no idea whats happened this evening but you need to apologise" and then "I've done nothing wrong".

The next morning I just get a emoji of a medal saying "quite the performance last night "vapevamp"" and then I went back thru the messages to check what I had said.

I literally feel like i've lost my mind, I havent spoken to him, he hasnt messaged me or called me but i'm so confused.

I've never experienced something like this.

I haven't read any replies apart from yours, but I'm going to say that I agree with what everyone else is saying. He's a toxic bastard and you absolutely need to get rid.

I'd block him ASAP.

I just hope you've sent him a voice note telling him to fuck off and to never contact you again.

'last two long term relationships and both women were 'phychos' Red flag, the texts and voice notes, another Red flag, your being confused because it came out of nowhere, Red flag. This person is a Narcissist, if you've never read up on Narcissism you really need to, link below. Get the hell out of this relationship, it's not real and you are just his 'supply' and I don't mean that cruelly, save yourself and your son from years of abuse:

https://www.verywellmind.com/types-of-narcissism-and-how-to-spot-them-7255438

Its amazing the affect their vitriol can have on us. I always get the full body shakes when one of those sort comes out with their bile. Totally different from just a normal angry argument. Because it's just so horrible and out of the blue and crazy accusations etc...

Our bodies know the score.
Don't stay near anyone who attacks you like this. They're evil.

It's really chilling how he was respecting you then suddenly he just flipped, it's like he's a real Jekyl and Hyde this is REALLY CHILLING, you have had a very, very lucky escape if you end this relationship immediately, it's a real red flag.

Absolutely all of this.

He's vile.

This!

DUMP HIS WORTHLESS ARSE. He sounds like a nasty piece of work who has done a great job of hiding his true colours til now. Get rid and move on!!!

Sadly OP women that have not long come out of a LTR seem to be targets for narcissistic men. They prey on the fact they think you’ll be vulnerable and more likely to fall for the love bombing and perfect man act - but it is an act and the mask slips pretty soon

Thankfully you’ve only had a year with this creep - delete and block then take some time out being single to understand what you really want from a relationship and read up on how to spot red flags quickly and act accordingly.

You poor love, that's horrible. My ex husband was like this, my solicitor described him as Jekyll and Hyde, very disturbing. Absolutely zero empathy too. Could be lovely one minute, apologetic even, then just flip and become this vile monster. So much so that he'd actually be spitting with aggression as he spoke... I remember the first time he did it, then it just got worse and worse.

He's still dragging me through the courts now, six years after I left him. I fear for the new girlfriend, who will no doubt have been a load of lies about me being his psycho ex. Sadly it hasn't dawned on her yet that it might just be him who's the fruitloop, given that his own children don't want to spend time with him.

Looking back I see lots of red flags, waving in my face, but for some unknown reason i chose to ignore them, and of course didnt have the knowledge of the world that i do now.

Run lass, as far from him as you can. Take good care of yourself, plenty of sleep and exercise and good food because things like this can truly be felt as a physical shock to the system.

Look after yourself, far to many of these cranks out there.

I can see from your follow-up posts that you do know that you need to end this relationship - this is not a good man.

I suspect that, if you dump him, he might come back with grovelling apologies etc and promise it won't happen again, and he'll claim you 'triggered' him by calling him grumpy because that's what his 'psycho ex' used to do, or some such bollocks. Ignore him. He won't change. He will become irrational and abusive time and time again.

I speak from experience. I'd been dating my ex for a long time when he first lost the plot like this - like you, I was just utterly stunned by it. Things had been fine up to then, and the thing he lost it over was just such odd thing to be angry about that I did start to wonder whether I was the one losing my mind. I did end it, and then got the whole apology and the whole 'I'm so sorry, I know I'm an arsehole, I'm a terrible person, it's because of this-that-and-the-other, it won't ever happen again, this is just one argument, don't throw things away over one row...' spiel. I was an idiot and I took him back and (of course) he simply became more and more abusive and eventually, violent and dangerous.

End the relationship, block him and make it clear you never want to hear from him ever again.

This sounds really scary, what a chump. Good for you OP to have realised quickly and not hanging around with him. I suspect he is not going to see this coming and won't be too happy. Let us know how you get on and suggest avoiding breaking up with him in your home / in private where it is just the two of you

I’ve got a family member like this and I am very wary of them. You can be happily chatting away or texting then they suddenly turn and call you the most vile names and make awful accusations. I have done what you did ie look back over the messages to work out what on earth happened and if I had said something to offend them and I can never see anything that set them off.

I can barely have a relationship with them any more as I am on the back foot all the time. I hope you do end it but be careful and have a plan for if he turns up and doesn’t accept it.

I wouldnt even see him face to face to finish this. A simple message/call or voice note as he likes those and block

You do not need to get into any drama with him, you don't need an apology or an explanation, you don't need to prolong this by telling him what you think of him, you just need to walk away and block him, because he will have more to say.
Just be glad you have joined the ranks of the 'psycho ex's'

You’re not losing your mind hun. Ditch him and do what’s best for you and your son. I sympathise with the next woman he dates.

It’s shocking how they can turn isn’t it?

These days, if I got a voice note like that I wouldn’t respond in any way. I would have waited 24 h maximum for some kind of massive apology, maybe, and then it would be a permanent block. Absolute radio silence from me.

Sounds like he wants to move on and he’s being a prick about it. Or he uses this tactic to make you doubt yourself and desperately try to get the ‘nice ‘ man back. Either way I hope he’s blocked by now. You’ve swerved one here OP.

Plan a fabulous weekend with DS and be very pleased with yourself that you had the good sense not to move too fast with him.

Find a new hobby to fill one of the evenings you would have spent with him.

💐

Well, at least you recognise it for what it is.
Don't put up with it.
Block him on everything.
He's clearly the psychotic one, not you or the exes.

Honestly OP I’d block him and never communicate with him again. Hes the psycho one - I bet his exes tell a very different story!

Thanks everyone. I'm just so surprised. It's tonight and tomorrow night I dont have my son with me and we would usually go out or stay at one anothers houses like we have the last few months and the fact I haven't heard from him, even though I am very upset, still hurts a lot. I know thats stupid because he has shown me who he is. They idea all of this meant nothing to him makes me want to cry. I won't be contacting him again. I'm just in disbelief.

It was at the one year mark I saw the true personality of the guy I was seeing. Same thing, mr perfect until then and just bam, utter nasty prick. I can see why his ex wife behaved how she did now, pieces fit together in hindsight...it's a wonderful thing! Def doing the right thing getting rid, don't prolong the agony! Sorry!

You have every right to mourn the relationship you thought you had but didn't. As far as what's going on, in my experience men do this when they've found someone new and are too cowardly to tell their partner. He deliberately drove you away to get rid of you, which tells you everything you need to know about what kind of a person he really is.

Trust me, you don’t want to experience anything like this. Block now!

So sorry you have been hurt OP.
By making no attempt to apologise he is trying to set a new tone - where he gets to abuse you, and you question your own sanity.
Rinse and repeat until your life as you know it is over.
Your new life away from this threat awaits. Well done for standing your ground in the first instance, you know in your gut you have been treated terribly.
Luckily he doesn’t live with you, he has no relationship with your DS and you have your independence.
Something will have kicked him off and it’s nothing to do with you. It will be his own issues and they aren’t your responsibility.
Be around people who care about you and get extra cuddles from your DS when he returns to you.
If this ‘man’ attempts to engage with you read through some of the desperate threads on here from women in danger and know you have headed it off at the pass.

I'm so sorry OP. But please know, he will be back in touch when he's over his temper tantrum. Please be on your guard!