So confused and very upset - gaslighting?

[VapeVamp12]

My marriage broke down approx. 2 years ago and I started seeing someone about a year ago. I have a young son so we both agreed fairly early I wasn't in for the moving in/ v serious relationship stage but 12 months on we have had some great times and we were spending 2-3 nights a week together (the nights I dont have my son).

Anyway the last few weeks something has changed and this man has completely changed - the way he speaks to me actually shocked me because nothing had happened. I'll have to type out some of our texts because it is hard to explain other wise. On Monday evening he called me after work, he was really off and his tone was just grumpy. I said "shall we speak later when you're in a bit of a better mood" - I didn't mean it nastily just he didn't seem like he wanted to be on the phone so I didn't know why he'd called. He ended the call.

Next thing I get a voice note - he was really angry "I'm not in the mood for your fucking abuse today, I said I was tired - maybe try doing a full days work. If you carry on with your nonsense I will switch my phone off". I work full time but its quite flexible as I am out seeing customers and sometimes if my diary permits I will finish a bit early. At this point the only thing I had said was "shall we speak later"

I looked at my phone in total shock - I couldn't believe it. I just replied saying "what". He didn't reply so about an hour later I said "I don't know what I've done wrong but you've really hurt my feelings with that voice note". He then sent some texts in quick succession:

• Oh here we fucking go
• Oh dear "vapevamp" losing it again, darling?

I just replied "I have no idea what you're talking about"

	Of course you don't you need some fucking help 

I started crying because I genuinely didn't know what was happening.

We dont really argue or havent until now. But I tried to stand up for myself just saying no-one speaks to me like this and he just started sending zzzz emoji's and then did actually switch his phone off.

I sent two more texts one saying, "I have no idea whats happened this evening but you need to apologise" and then "I've done nothing wrong".

The next morning I just get a emoji of a medal saying "quite the performance last night "vapevamp"" and then I went back thru the messages to check what I had said.

I literally feel like i've lost my mind, I havent spoken to him, he hasnt messaged me or called me but i'm so confused.

I've never experienced something like this.

Be glad he hasn’t contacted you. It sounds like you would be vulnerable to his attempts at hoovering you back in, when in actual fact you should never go anywhere near him again.

Imagine one day he would turn on DS and speak to him like this. Best to block and keep him away from your family.

It sounds like maybe you’ve been on the receiving end of punishment / discard by a narcissist.

🏃🏽‍♀️

Get in first and just block him. He sounds like an angry, fucked up man.

He got comfortable and showed his true colours. Block him and be thankful you found out.

I'm so sorry you were treated so badly by this horrible person.
He has shown you who he is by flying off the handle and accusing you of abuse, because the abuser deflects and projects their nasty traits onto their target.

Wildly exaggerating your very reasonable response to his phone call, and turning it into you being the problem is a form of gaslighting and DARVO.

His passive aggressive and sarcastic responses deserve nothing further than to be ignored permanently.

Take care of yourself.

watch this and do it

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C-EbVrCP9BB/?igsh=MXRyeDA0YmhhZnY4MQ==

I bet it was being in a relationship with him that turned them into 'psychos' in the first place.

The hills are that way >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

What a gaslighting prick! Don't be surprised if he turns up unexpectedly, carrying a bunch of flowers and pretending nothing had happened.

Don't give in if he does! If you know you're going to be painted as a "psycho" ex anyway, there's no point in trying to appease him in any way.

Good riddance I say (although I know it's harder when you're in it, unlike us all looking at it from the outside).

This man has been hiding some poor MH issues, but has finally got to the point where he couldn't hold it back anymore. You are right, a psycho ex is a bad red flag, especially in a long term thing, 2 psycho ex's is big flags waving a consistent pattern.
There is nothing in the world he could say or do after that, no coming back from it and you shouldn't try. So best course is to block him. It stops you ever wondering when you will next hear from him, be pro active and decide yourself not to hear from him. It also makes it much easier and quicker to move on by having no contact.

Poor you OP. But yes i think the "psycho ex" thing would have spelled out loudly he wasn't for me.

It's tempting to come up with a satisfying reply but I think he is looking for material to twist, so "please don't contact me again" is what you need to be telling him. No embellishment or explanation.

Send a message telling him that any further contact with you is most unwelcome and you don’t want to see or hear from him again. Wait until he’s read it and block him before he can respond. Keep the message you sent as evidence.

He has shown his true colours. Either he is a control freak and didn't like being told what to do with your response to speak later when he's in a better mood. He clearly wants a woman who will just put up with his shitty mood but will fly off the handle when he's called up on it. That in itself is a massive red flag. Then threatening to turn off his phone is again him trying to take control and make you panic. He's testing you as he wants you to grovel. He probably loved the fact you said that he hurt you because that means he has control over your feelings and wants you to chase and grovel back to him. Alternatively he could have met someone else and is just being a shit and wants to end it this way.

I'm really sorry that you've had this experience. It's so unsettling when you think you know someone and one day they do something incredibly shocking/confusing and hurtful and then proceed to show they don't care that they've hurt and upset you at all... in fact they blame their awful behaviour on you.

When you realise you didn't know a person at all, it can make you doubt your own judgement, and that's very uncomfortable.

I'd take some time to reflect quietly/journal on whether he showed any other behaviours that might have been early red flags, and think about why you didn't notice them or brushed them off. There usually are red flags, and it's good for our own self-protection to use horrible experiences like this to strengthen our self-protection skills.

God what an absolute gaslighting prick.
If you feel the need for closure, just send a message saying I have no need or desire to shore up the confidence and ego of an inadequate man child, do not contact me in any way, and then block the loser. If you don't feel the need then just block him,
Thank goodness you've seen his true colours.

This is why it's important to take things slow. A year before he showed what he can be like, !

Walk away now and quickly

Jekyll/ Hyde personality. It gets worse. Run!
you showed some backbone and were centered enough In your own worth to tell him you’d talk later when he was in a better mood, and that flipped the switch with him- he’s trying to get the upper hand and make you cry and beg.

PLEASE stay strong. I’ve had a relationship with one of these types. They can seem so very sweet until that switch gets flipped. Then you feel like you’re losing your mind.

it does not get better!

im so sorry, OP. what a horrible way to be treated. You’ve been very strong - and that you haven’t bought into his crap means you’re healthy enough that these types won’t win you over into their games. Go you! Well done.

OP you are doing the right thing. 💔

I dated someone who was a narcissist. When the mask slipped it was horrific and then he'd love bomb me back.

Turns out he abused his long term ex so badly she had friends help her escape in the night.

We oddly became friends.

I wish I'd ended it sooner. You are doing the right thing. 💝

Here we go again, found another one. Block him and forget him. Do Not Get Into An Argument with him, he's not up for reasoning. You're lucky, OP, that he's not been able to keep up his nice guy facade long enough to suck you luck in future.

First reply nails it.

Bin the horrible man.

How did you get on OP?

Hope you've binned him off OP and are feeling a bit better

This sounds like my ex.

When their real persona comes through, your being puzzled and querying what has brought on their vitriol seems to anger them even more. Revealing even more what feels like hate. It progresses and worsens.

It's bizarre and frankly terrifying behaviour.

I hope you dump him and never have to see him again. A lucky escape.