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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How does he fix this?

70 replies

ChocolateMagnum · 29/07/2024 14:47

This might end up being a 'drip-feed' conversation-y thread, but that's because it's all a big fat mess.

Basically, though, when your near-perfect husband of many years has a near-emotional affair with another woman he works with...how does he fix it? How can I trust him again? I don't want to have to deal with this. I need him right now because I have some other really awful stuff going on in my life.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChocolateMagnum · 29/07/2024 14:51

Also, more info, I asked to see his messages with her but he told me he'd deleted them. This hurt more than him secretly meeting up with her this morning for a coffee and then trying to hide it from me. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I can't bear that he's being living this other life in his head that I haven't been a part of and that he's been actively hiding from me. I thought we had such a strong and happy marriage but this hurts so much.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 29/07/2024 14:54

He’s not trying to fix it if he’s still lying to you.

Original poster
ChocolateMagnum · 29/07/2024 14:56

I don't know if I can bear to acknowledge that truth. I don't know what to do. I'm at my parents' house right now and I don't really want to see him. But we have (older) children so I need to either go back and do a really good job of pretending everything is fine or be honest with them.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChocolateMagnum · 29/07/2024 14:56

And if I'm honest, I don't really know what I'm being honest about.

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 29/07/2024 14:56

How did you find out?
he’s lied to you and that’s so hurtful

if there’s any chance of him fixing it, then he has to want to and take all steps to do that

you need to decide IF you want to stay married to him

Regardless of what is going on, do not rush to a decision

Purplecatshopaholic · 29/07/2024 14:58

I’m so sorry op. Do you believe what he has said? The fact he’s deleted things sounds fishy. Take it from one who went through it, he will minimise what happened if he can. Is he committed to fix it? Is he willing to do whatever it takes? Genuine remorse? It’s up to you whether you can trust him again (I couldn’t).

NetflixAndKill · 29/07/2024 14:58

I mean, he’s deleted everything by the sounds of it so you only have his word on what has happened. Not too sure I’d believe a single word of it atm.

Original poster
ChocolateMagnum · 29/07/2024 14:58

What am I meant to do? If he doesn't want to fix it, what do I do?

OP posts:
NetflixAndKill · 29/07/2024 15:00

Do you think he’s panicking if you want fix things? That is how things should stand. The ball firmly in your court.

Chypre · 29/07/2024 15:00

He can only "fix" it if You decide to forgive him and move on from it. If You know you can't forgive and forget, there is nothing he can possibly do.

Original poster
ChocolateMagnum · 29/07/2024 15:02

rubyslippers · 29/07/2024 14:56

How did you find out?
he’s lied to you and that’s so hurtful

if there’s any chance of him fixing it, then he has to want to and take all steps to do that

you need to decide IF you want to stay married to him

Regardless of what is going on, do not rush to a decision

I was working from home today and he said 'I'm going out to <listed some errands>'. I said 'don't be too long' (I thought we both genuinely liked each other's company). Then he did take a long time. When he came back he made lunch and I said 'remind me what you were doing this morning' and he told me the errands then said 'and I bumped into a friend from work and had a drink together.' I asked him which friend. And he said the name of the woman he's now met up with (as far as I know!) three times including this one. 'Just as a friend and why do you get to meet up with your friends and I don't'. This third time (that I know of) comes after a massive upset less than two weeks ago when he was defending their friendship even though I (and one of our adult daughters!) said 'that's weird to be hanging out with another woman's husband on your own' and I just felt totally betrayed and told him so and he said he wouldn't meet up with her again.

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 29/07/2024 15:02

Take time to reflect op. Ask him to go somewhere else while you do this, you need time to think. You don’t have to rush into anything. If he isn’t prepared to work to fix - or even if he is - you need to think about the future.

Original poster
ChocolateMagnum · 29/07/2024 15:04

Purplecatshopaholic · 29/07/2024 14:58

I’m so sorry op. Do you believe what he has said? The fact he’s deleted things sounds fishy. Take it from one who went through it, he will minimise what happened if he can. Is he committed to fix it? Is he willing to do whatever it takes? Genuine remorse? It’s up to you whether you can trust him again (I couldn’t).

Edited

I did believe it. I don't know now. He said he'd bumped into her but he's since told me, when I asked him outright, that, yes, he had planned to meet her. I asked him what was in the messages and he said 'some chit chat, flirty stuff like with colleagues'...because, yes, we all flirt with our colleagues 🙄. Particularly when the person we profess to love most in the world asks us not to. I don't know if it's genuine remorse. Actually, I don't think it is. I'm terrified - I think my life and that of my children is about to completely fall apart and it's going to be terrible. Painful, traumatic. We've always prided ourselves on having a strong, happy, honest marriage.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChocolateMagnum · 29/07/2024 15:06

Purplecatshopaholic · 29/07/2024 15:02

Take time to reflect op. Ask him to go somewhere else while you do this, you need time to think. You don’t have to rush into anything. If he isn’t prepared to work to fix - or even if he is - you need to think about the future.

How do I manage that with the children? I can go stay at my parents' house and it's just down the road. But what do I tell the children? My mum is waiting for major surgery as she's recently been diagnosed with cancer. I can't believe this is happening.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChocolateMagnum · 29/07/2024 15:09

Is there a way he can get his WhatsApp messages back?

OP posts:
bloodyeffinnora · 29/07/2024 15:11

can he move out, go to his parents?

Purplecatshopaholic · 29/07/2024 15:14

Blimey, I’m sorry to hear about your mum op. Sorry to say it, but your H sounds selfish and is not the man you thought. Go stay with your parents and use some appropriate excuse/explanation? Or get your H to say why, he’s caused this.

Original poster
ChocolateMagnum · 29/07/2024 15:20

Purplecatshopaholic · 29/07/2024 15:14

Blimey, I’m sorry to hear about your mum op. Sorry to say it, but your H sounds selfish and is not the man you thought. Go stay with your parents and use some appropriate excuse/explanation? Or get your H to say why, he’s caused this.

OK, that's a good idea. I'll do that if I feel I need to later.

I've texted him and asked him to get on Google and find out how to reinstate the whatsapp conversation and show it to me and he's said he will.

I think, for some reason, he just can't seem to understand the gravity of this. I think he's in his mid-late 40s, feeling low in confidence and enjoying the ego-boost of a woman paying him attention and is trying to find ways to make it not sound as bad as it is. But...well, I thought he'd understood all that when we talked last time and he clearly hadn't. So what am I meant to believe? How do I trust him when he's lied and he knows I can't bear being lied to more than anything else? He has betrayed me. I don't think he's a bad man, but I do think he's a fuckwit and an idiot and has a stupid fucking ego. I don't think he'd ever have been unfaithful. I do trust that. I just hate that he's heard me say 'can't you see where this could go without you meaning it to, especially if that's what she's angling for, whether you believe she is or not?' and then STILL carried on thinking it's just a friendship!? And hidden it from me

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 29/07/2024 15:29

This sounds very traumatic for you, especially at this time when you're dealing with your mother's illness. Too many things to go through at the same time. Failing him getting fully on board with supporting you and stopping being a selfish and disloyal git, you will actually be better able to deal with your other issues without this being strung out.

The only way that I can think of to stop him in his tracks possibly, is to truly shock him by spelling out that you can't have a whole relationship hoo-ha with him as you need your emotional energy for the other shock in your life.
Along the lines of:

By seeing this woman and keeping these secrets, you have really let me down just when I needed you the most. You have just shown me that you feel entitled (and want) to carry on. For this reason you'd better leave because I need support for my situation with my mum, I don't need the extra heartbreak of having to deal with your disloyal and selfish behaviour.

If he can't have you as his priority, then he needs to get out of your way

sausawyee · 29/07/2024 15:45

Sadly you are still talking as if she was a predator and he was an innocent little trapped deer . HE needs to go elsewhere to let you have time to think.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/07/2024 15:53

I just hate that he's heard me say 'can't you see where this could go without you meaning it to, especially if that's what she's angling for

She's angling for? Your husband is 100% responsible for his own actions. It's not this other woman's responsibility to uphold your husband's marriage vows. He's meeting with her, (which goes way beyond just an emotional affair IMO), because he wants to. This is all on him.

Original poster
ChocolateMagnum · 29/07/2024 16:06

So what should I do? I know I need space, and I can create that. But I don't know what I'm meant to be doing while I have that space. How I support my children while I'm doing whatever I'm meant to be doing. Am I considering separation or divorce? What do I do with this?

OP posts:
alwaysmovingforwards · 29/07/2024 16:12

Chypre · 29/07/2024 15:00

He can only "fix" it if You decide to forgive him and move on from it. If You know you can't forgive and forget, there is nothing he can possibly do.

He has to want to fix it also. Maybe he doesn't, has one foot out the door and this will be the final nudge towards divorce.

Original poster
ChocolateMagnum · 29/07/2024 16:15

He says he wants to. But I don't know what to believe now. He is saying all the right things but there doesn't feel like there's any feeling behind it.

OP posts:
raspberryberet7 · 29/07/2024 16:17

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/07/2024 14:54

He’s not trying to fix it if he’s still lying to you.

This regardless of whatever else is going on in your life don't sweep this under the carpet or it will come back to haunt you