How does he fix this?

[ChocolateMagnum]

This might end up being a 'drip-feed' conversation-y thread, but that's because it's all a big fat mess.

Basically, though, when your near-perfect husband of many years has a near-emotional affair with another woman he works with...how does he fix it? How can I trust him again? I don't want to have to deal with this. I need him right now because I have some other really awful stuff going on in my life.

Do I give him one last chance to tell me what's going on for him and share his turmoil with me?

I have been seriously depressed in the past so I kind of understand what he's going through, except that I didn't do it alone and didn't hide anything from him.

I've been and read more. He's clearly in a real mess but he's not going to fix that emotional mess on his own. But if I try to get him to let me help him, he'll just think I'm controlling again. I think he doesn't like me all that much. I'm not sure quite why he's still here apart from not wanting to be selfish and hurt people?

Should I tell him I've read his journal? I kind of think I need to. The main issues in our relationship is a lack of openness.

Honestly OP I think you should just take a huge step back, and get preparations in order to leave. You cannot force him to open up, you cannot force him to confide in you or lean on you. You set your boundaries and he has crossed them, let that be it and please walk away.

Don't tell him you've read it. He will just lie. You know what you need to know. I'm
Sorry

OP so sorry to read this update, I was really hoping that he wanted to mend his marriage and focus on you. Get your ducks in order, unfortunately, I think he's checked out. Be strong, show him that you have strength and kick his cheating arse to the kerb.

I definitely wouldn't tell him you've read the journal OP, he will just use the knowledge to make you to blame for everything. It's 'the script' sadly, he's rewriting the history of your relationship and convincing himself you're some kind of controlling harridan to justify his own shitty, cheating, deceitful behaviour to himself so all you will do by confessing about the journal is give credence to his narrative.

I'm so sorry but I don't think there's any coming back from this, his head has been turned so far it's on backwards and nothing he does will make sense to you now, he's effectively become someone else. I know you will feel like you don't have the strength but it really is imperative you get your ducks in a row now, he's already several steps ahead of you and you need to start thinking in terms of protecting yourself practically and financially. MN is the best place you could be for help with that so don't be afraid to ask if there's specific stuff you need advice about. It's time to look after yourself now, he's not on your team anymore and you can't trust him at all.

He said he’s devastated that he hasn’t had integrity with his values.

Pure lip service. @ChocolateMagnum, I’m very sorry that you’ve been in a false reconciliation with your sneaky, unremorseful H. He is still trashing his integrity, being dishonest, blocking transparency, and abusing your trust.

Most importantly, he is continuing to interact with OW, which means the emotional affair never ended.

He is conjuring up ‘you’re being controlling’ to justify his continued infidelity and disloyalty. As the injured party, you had the right to set recovery requirements, which he agreed to, including NC with OW, total honesty and transparency, open access to devices, and listening to your pain/discussing the affair whenever you need to. None of that is controlling.

@ChocolateMagnum, he has thrown his second chance back in your face. He’s not doing the work to restore your trust and help you heal, and is actually working against you via his destructive choices.

I wouldn’t give him another chance to ride roughshod over my feelings and boundaries and treat me like shit on his shoe. It would be game over.

You can't make him leave. But if you're prepared to be ruthless you can negotiate him leaving. Remember, he is utterly ruthless with you and will be even worse during the divorce. I guarantee it.
What I would do is not tell him you have seen his journal and play it cagey. Give him some rope to hang himself. Give him a few weeks to a month to keep writing incriminating stuff while you pull off an Academy Award performance of not knowing anything and thinking all is well. Do not indicate you know anything about the journal or where he hides it.
Meanwhile, you'll be getting his journal at every opportunity and taking pictures of the entries, backing them up to the cloud so he can't delete. Or scan them and hide the copies at a friend's house or somewhere else he'll never find them. Then you can use that as a bargaining chip. Ask him to leave. If he refuses, you can tell him that if he doesn't leave and isn't fair, reasonable and amicable during and after the divorce, you will give copies to everyone he knows and put them on social media, along with the story of his cheating, lying ways. You will paper the neighbourhood and his workplace with them.

I did something similar and scored an amazing settlement. I had his emails to the OW, as the stupid ass deleted hundreds of texts, but forgot to delete some emails.
It's time to play hard ball with this lying sack of shit.
That is, only if you feel safe to do so. If you think he might get violent, that's another story.
See if you can get his vile texts and emails to OW off his phone too and use them the same way.

Meant to add:

In ending things, you don’t have to mention the journal. I would tell him that you’re aware that he is still being unfaithful by being in contact with his Affair Partner, which spells the end of your relationship. You know the truth and don’t have to divulge your source. I wouldn’t even allow a long discussion where he will certainly attempt to gaslight and shift the blame. Tell him it’s over in a short, sharp and definitive manner.

I notice a lot in your messages OP that you say you don't know what to do, or you ask your readers what to do. You also seemed really pleased that your adult daughter had taken charge a few weeks ago. I say this only as an observation, but you seem incredibly disempowered. You seem like you don't know what your own wants and needs are, and you seem like you don't trust yourself.

I think the best thing you could do right now is say nothing but keep watching, and in the meantime, get yourself the best therapist you can, because I think your husband might have chipped right away at your self esteem for much longer than you might think.

I really say this with kindness, and as someone who has recently been in a very similar place of total confusion in a crisis.

All strength to you. Unravel what's making you confused. Keep your cards close to your chest, with everyone, and work this out with a therapist.

I would only mention reading the journal if you think you can fix things together by being completely honest but that seems doubtful seeing as he is still lying to you.

My dear, I am so sorry you had to go through this. It started exactly the same with my husband, work whore started off as "friends". Started flirting, then more to sexual talks, then sexting, dick pics, the whole nine yards. Escalated within a couple of months to a hookup for a quicky in a parking lot. He fucked away 20 years we had together for that! Please Please Please get the truth out of him a.s.a.p. IT IS NEVER "JUST FRIENDS"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you all so much for your messages. They have been hugely helpful. Last night was horrible. He is really fucked up. There's obviously far too much that was said and discussed to go into here at the moment. I'm going to start finding out how to separate so that, if he starts stopping trying to fix things one more time, I can be confident I have a plan and can not have my thinking messed up with emotion. I can absolutely see when he's being authentic and when he isn't and I need to stop ignoring my senses when he's not being himself and just put my foot down.

Anyway, from a practical point of view, where do it go to for advice on how to manage a family separation like this? All our finances are joint, we have lived our lives 100% as true partners (until now). I will be working out how to take control of my elements but I'm not sure where to start.

Oh no - did you tell him you’d seen the journal?

Im sorry be prepared for a rough ride now. I know how devastating it is to see your partner turn into a stranger before your eyes as he’s had his head turned. They can turn vicious towards you, devalue you to nothing so they don’t have to face the reality of what they’ve done and so they can justify their own actions.

mine ended up with a ‘happy’ ending as it was caught very very early but I still don’t feel like I used to. The blind trust is just gone. But we still have a lot to keep us going and he’s been genuinely a better person since the little ‘blip’. It’s like something else takes over them - mine finally came to his senses but not before a lot of damage was done

Ps your first step is a family solicitor for some initial advice. Do that regardless of whether he seems to be trying or not. Your best defence now is focussing on yourself, and protecting yourself. Prepare for the worst but obv hope for the best. I felt much better once I’d worked out that I could totally manage financially without him. I didn’t ever tell him I’d done the sums. But it gave me an inner steel which meant I had more strength to deal with things knowing I might fall apart emotionally but I’d still have a home, job, car and my kids would still hav what they needed. Thankfully it didn’t come to that but if it ever does in the future I know im ok

He is not trying to fix things. He never was. He had a brief moment of shame but he has quickly gotten over that and has settled on resentment. Nothing good grows out of that soil.

Go see a solicitor. Find out what your family’s assets snd liabilities are. Ask him to leave (you can always ask!) and start the process of unmooring him and pushing this leaky tub of a man out to sea.

He will never come back—the man you thought you loved and trusted has gone and he won’t come back.

@ChocolateMagnum Why do you want to be with this man. He's shat on you from a great height and you deserve better. Even if the OW died tomorrow there will be another one. Things can never go back to where they were. You'll always feel angry and there will never be trust between you. I've been there. Speak to a solicitor and Women's Aid and don't tell him about it.

He continues to lie. He continues to be in contact with this woman.

It's over, op.

He is totally untrustworthy.

I think you should just start divorce proceedings. He has totally cocked everything up.

When you do tell him about divorce, he will be shocked and start to bleat and plead. He's not used to you taking charge and control.

But until you do, he will continue to treat you so very badly. With such little respect. Or love. He's crossed the rubicon.

Bite the billet.

*bullet. Ffs.

I have to agree with the above posters OP you have clear cut evidence this cheating man still has the head space for someone else.
Not you. You sadly are annoying him. You are causing HIM hurt and trauma in his eyes that's clear in his journal.

Yet you hang on in there because of your history -
Because you love him.
Love should be equal.
Yours is not.
Please go see a solicitor and please talk to your family. They should be supporting you.

Be strong. Be the proud woman you should be.