Is it me or him re touching

[extrasupport]

I've NC for this but I am a regular on mumsnet.
I've been with my partner for 3 years. He's kind and lovely. Very caring and will do anything for me.
The one thing that's always bothered me is our different sex drives. I'd probably be happy with a couple of times a week, and as we don't live together, sometimes that works out anyway.
He would be up for it twice a day, but he has come to accept that won't be happening. His marriage broke down due to his sex drive and he doesn't want a repeat of that. He's older and wiser too!
The thing is though, he can't seem to just cuddle and say stroke my back (as an example), he always goes for boobs and pubic bone area. I just get fed up of it. I don't want to be touched there all the time. What's wrong with a hug, arm stroke.
This is my first relationship since divorce so I guess I'm questioning myself on what's normal...

Ick. Has he no self control? Why does he act feral?

Not normal and would drive me insane.

Have you told him to stop stroking you in those places all the time? Do you ask him to stop when he starts?

He doesn’t sound like he is any wiser to me.

Have you told him you don’t like him groping you?

He sounds like a horny teen rather than a grown man who’s older and wiser.

He used to do it just while we watched TV but has completely stopped now as I didn't like it.
He'll also say in bed at night, are you tired, we can just cuddle. That's why I feel he's older and wiser.
Come to think of it, it's really the mornings now, on waking up where the problem is.

@Iwontlethtesungodownonme it drives me insane! I tell him and he will stop but he still does it next time. I need a stern word I think as I'm feeling like ending it otherwise. I do feel pawed at.

Your mismatched sex drives are going to be an issue. He may accept your lower drive in theory, but he's not going to stop wanting more and trying it on, which will mean you will be constantly batting him away. This will result in resentment for you both.

Put simply, he is not the man for you.

My ex was like this, always had to be a boob or an ass grab, never just a nice cuddle. Felt like I was just a peice of meat with 3 desirable areas. Felt like I was with some teenager that couldn't control himself (he's 57 now)

Was a massive turn off, hence why he's an ex

It's him. And there's nothing more off putting. I think if there's this mismatch this early on it's not going to work. He's not learned from his previous failed relationship, and you'll both end up unhappy.

He’s a sex pest. You have told him you don’t like it and he still continues. Please get rid of him.

My husband used to do this but I got super cross and (jokingly/ not jokingly) said I'd bite him if he tried it again. That sorted the problem out 😝 sorry not helpful but I know your annoyance. When he did it I would also grab at his boobs and pinch his bum hard so he understood how annoying it is. Not flirty, aggressively.

For me it was always while I was doing something that needed physical attention like washing up. Just effing let me finish my goddam washing up in peace!

He wants sex, you want intimacy. He thinks sex IS intimacy but you think it's separate.

This relationship is not going to work while you have such different views and even counselling won't resolve it (based on other posters who have tried it). You are not sexually compatible and resentment will grow. You are already feeling touched out, groped, pawed and he probably feels rejected (and not wiser).

It's not a problem of 'mismatched' sex drives - that's an easy fix.

It's a problem of sexual abuse and harassment. You say 'no' and he continues to touch you.

It's sexual assault.

I can't imagine going for my partner's groin without express permission. Can you?

This is assault.

I've not much to comment as unfortunately I feel the same with my partner who I'm really struggling with, so just to say you are not alone and I'd be interested in reading various replies with regards to this.

I've posted separately about my general relationships issues, but the replies so far to you with regards resentment, I'm starting to think are likely true as i
think that's actually what's happened to myself. I've just thought we had different sex drives, but to me like a previous poster has said I feel like intimacy is more than just sex/making love. I've often tried to explain how I feel and how I've felt groped, but I've often just been told 'he can't help it and it's my fault/can he blame me as I'm beautiful' This I've struggled with as feel I should be grateful for the comments, but I feel like it's dismissing my feelings.

It's a tough one, like i said no advice to offer sorry, but just to say you are not alone and hopefully others can advice much better than I can x

He’s not respecting any boundaries.

You say his marriage broke down due to his sex drive. I think it broke down because of him behaving like sex pest thinking he has a right to grab and grope women.

It’s all about him because the world resolves around his sex drive.

How does he behave when you tell him to leave you alone, OP? I used to be married to someone like this and he used to turn nasty and sulky when I pushed him away. it was such a relief to get rid of him, and his being a sex pest was one of the reasons we're now divorced. To be honest he sounds revolting, don't put up with it.

@Tillybud81 I feel the same re 3 desirable areas.
What's hard is that he has listened and changed a lot, but it's like a lot of PPs have said, it's a bit like a teen not being able to control himself.
Yet, he does so much to make me happy. It's like 2 different people really.

Ah yes the whole backhanded compliment, it's your own fault for being so sexy/beautiful/gorgeous 😒

I had this with a long ago ex who blamed his PE on me being too sexy, then it was because I didn't give him sex often enough, then he crossed boundaries then he confessed to basically fantasising about raping me. But he was a 'nice guy'

OP he's basically not respecting your boundaries, he likely never will either

Doubt this is the only area where he doesn't respect you. Have a strong word with him and tell him that sex is initiated by you and you'll let him know when. In the meantime, to keep his hands to himself. If he doesn't stop, punch him in the knackers and say you can't help yourself.

@hildabaker he never turns nasty or sulky (he once started to sulk but I said I wouldn't be in a relationship with a sulker and he honestly hasn't sulked again). I do think the touching though means I get more sexual attention than I want which isn't good for my sex drive.

So he was a sex pest to his ex wife to the point his marriage ended over it and now he’s continuing to do the exact same? He’s not learned a lot has he, how unattractive.

I'd be interested to hear his ex wives version of why their marriage broke down....

So his marriage broke up because he was a groper who didn’t respect boundaries and now he’s exactly the same with his new partner.
Doesn’t sound like he’s learned anything and that his sexual urges are all that matters.

@Harvestmoon49 I'm sure an unhealthy pattern developed. I feel I've tackled a lot and instilled positive changes. I just hate being in this position to have to assert changes. I thought we'd come so far. 🤔