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Original poster

Is it me or him re touching

52 replies

extrasupport · 29/07/2024 09:57

I've NC for this but I am a regular on mumsnet.
I've been with my partner for 3 years. He's kind and lovely. Very caring and will do anything for me.
The one thing that's always bothered me is our different sex drives. I'd probably be happy with a couple of times a week, and as we don't live together, sometimes that works out anyway.
He would be up for it twice a day, but he has come to accept that won't be happening. His marriage broke down due to his sex drive and he doesn't want a repeat of that. He's older and wiser too!
The thing is though, he can't seem to just cuddle and say stroke my back (as an example), he always goes for boobs and pubic bone area. I just get fed up of it. I don't want to be touched there all the time. What's wrong with a hug, arm stroke.
This is my first relationship since divorce so I guess I'm questioning myself on what's normal...

OP posts:
Catoo · 29/07/2024 13:44

It’s not your job to train this sex pest into being slightly less of a pest.

Do you live together?

I mean you could try one last conversation… Tell him straight. You don’t want him to grope you at any time of the day or night on the sofa or the bedroom or anywhere. Tell him how you would want to be approached for sex and how you will approach him if you’re in the mood. If he can’t manage that you have to accept you have different needs/boundaries that are not compatible and you have to go your separate ways.

By this stage maybe though you are too repulsed to have to spell it out like that to a grown man? I was a bit repulsed having to type it out!

💐

Original poster
extrasupport · 29/07/2024 14:09

@Catoo we don't live together. I'm not sure I'll ever live with a man again because I enjoy having my own space.
I will spell it out to him. I do think unhealthy dynamics easily develop in relationships. My marriage was an example. Such a moody d*.
Thanks. It's worth a try as he's been responsive in the past and he really is a great guy in other ways. That isn't enough though if he doesn't respect my boundaries.

OP posts:
Catoo · 29/07/2024 14:24

You can also stop staying over to avoid morning gropes. Go to his place. Leave at 11pm….

🤣
💐

Original poster
extrasupport · 29/07/2024 14:26

I do make that decision sometimes 😂

OP posts:
LonelyInDville · 29/07/2024 14:35

Yuck. My ex was the same. Touching me non sexually was unheard of unless it was to poke or tickle me. Otherwise he went for the big three - tits, ass, crotch. He told me numerous times he was so sexually attracted to me, which was compliment maybe the first or second times but when that's the only compliment I ever received from him well he was telling me exactly how he felt about me. Took a while but thankfully he's now an ex.

pikkumyy77 · 29/07/2024 14:37

He needs to be able to recognize the problem. Maybe he should get a dog? I mean that seriously. His drive for physical contact is pathological from your viewpoint but normal from his. He is sensation seeking/touch seeking. Maybe a dig or a weighted blanket will help him settle and become less clingy.

Yousaidwhatagain · 29/07/2024 14:44

He's had a whole marriage breakdown due to this very reason and you are intent on ignoring that big red flag. Come on, open your eyes op. He's just older, not wiser or any more respectable.

AngryLikeHades · 29/07/2024 14:47

Twice a day is ridiculous to request and that's coming from me who loves sex.

Original poster
extrasupport · 29/07/2024 15:19

@pikkumyy77 that's a good point. He does love affection and is very tactile. I often think his need is unusually high. Friends have noticed how tactile he is with me.

OP posts:
PermanentlyTired03 · 29/07/2024 15:42

showersandflowers · 29/07/2024 10:16

My husband used to do this but I got super cross and (jokingly/ not jokingly) said I'd bite him if he tried it again. That sorted the problem out 😝 sorry not helpful but I know your annoyance. When he did it I would also grab at his boobs and pinch his bum hard so he understood how annoying it is. Not flirty, aggressively.

For me it was always while I was doing something that needed physical attention like washing up. Just effing let me finish my goddam washing up in peace!

You could be talking about my husband here. Drives me mad. He’s stopped doing it so much after I snapped at him how annoying it was. Took a while to sink in though. He’s not a sex pest- I don’t know if he just thought groping like that got me in the mood. Some blokes just need telling!

Aquamarine1029 · 29/07/2024 15:48

Ugh, he's disgusting, op. You asked him repeatedly to stop and he still does it. If that doesn't tell you what he really thinks about you and women in general, I don't know what will. I'd bet his ex has a lot she could tell you about this pig of a man.

taylorswift1989 · 29/07/2024 15:56

extrasupport · 29/07/2024 15:19

@pikkumyy77 that's a good point. He does love affection and is very tactile. I often think his need is unusually high. Friends have noticed how tactile he is with me.

OP you are wilfully ignoring a huge red flag here. His marriage ended because of this. He hasn't changed. He'll keep trying to wear you down.

GingerPirate · 29/07/2024 15:58

🤮
So happy my husband is three decades older....
Sorry.

MillshakePickle · 29/07/2024 16:13

It sounds like he's trying to initiate morning sex and failing miserably.

Just reaffirm that you're not into morning sex or whatever the case may be and what your cues are.

I actually don't know, it all sounds like hard work. I would kill for my H to want morning sex and to have a much higher sex drive. I want sex multiple times per day's and he's good at 2-3 x per week. I don't pester him or grope, touch or make unwanted comments. We mutually know each others cues and go from there, so it's always reciprocated. We have been together for years, though, and tbf I would never turn down sex or similar.

If it's becoming a problem, then it absolutely is and needs to be addressed. Be open and honest about how it makes you feel and that it makes you want to end the relationship.

KeirSpoutsTwaddle · 29/07/2024 16:17

I told mine very firmly that it was my body, not his sex toy/ comfort blanket etc.

It’s part of the toxic male socialisation that they feel that mauling someone’s erogenous zones is a sign of loving intimacy.

Like hell. Tell him it’s your body, not his. He doesn’t get to fiddle with it. Touching intimate areas outside of sex is a no no, and killing your sex drive. Tell him you are a person, not a piece of meat.

BananaLambo · 29/07/2024 16:19

He was a sex pest to his wife and now he’s a sex pest with you. The issue isn’t going to go away, so it’s up to you to make a decision about whether you are willing to put up with it or whether you want a partner who respects your boundaries.

DontBother123 · 29/07/2024 16:33

How many times do you think his wife objected to being assaulted by him before she divorced him? He heard her and he hears you. He just doesn’t care. He blatantly ignores you and does it again.

How many times a month is he sexually assaulting you?

This is nothing to do with his sex drive. It’s to do with him being abusive and controlling. I’d fucking dump him. I’ve got the ick just reading about him.

WhatamIthinking1 · 29/07/2024 18:10

Tillybud81 · 29/07/2024 12:02

Ah yes the whole backhanded compliment, it's your own fault for being so sexy/beautiful/gorgeous 😒

I had this with a long ago ex who blamed his PE on me being too sexy, then it was because I didn't give him sex often enough, then he crossed boundaries then he confessed to basically fantasising about raping me. But he was a 'nice guy'

OP he's basically not respecting your boundaries, he likely never will either

Show quote history

This! Thank you for confirming it is a backhanded compliment. I've tried to explain this is how I feel, but he doesn't get it.
Like the OP he is a good man in many ways but I feel like he's good at making me feel like it's my fault he can't control himself and especially more so since I've got him to sleep in another room as we live together. It's just heightened it as now he misses me!

I understand guys have needs, but it's not fair we feel ours don't exist either. I wondered if it was just me, but from this post clearly it's not all men and not something we should just accept.

I really feel for you OP as its certainly a huge issue for myself at the moment and definitely one reason I've no idea if we are staying together or not. Hopefully you find a way past it all too x

KeirSpoutsTwaddle · 29/07/2024 19:09

WhatamIthinking1 · 29/07/2024 18:10

This! Thank you for confirming it is a backhanded compliment. I've tried to explain this is how I feel, but he doesn't get it.
Like the OP he is a good man in many ways but I feel like he's good at making me feel like it's my fault he can't control himself and especially more so since I've got him to sleep in another room as we live together. It's just heightened it as now he misses me!

I understand guys have needs, but it's not fair we feel ours don't exist either. I wondered if it was just me, but from this post clearly it's not all men and not something we should just accept.

I really feel for you OP as its certainly a huge issue for myself at the moment and definitely one reason I've no idea if we are staying together or not. Hopefully you find a way past it all too x

Show quote history

You also have needs- the desire to have autonomy over your own body and not be subject to mauling because he has a hard on or feels a bit horny.

ElliLovesDogs · 29/07/2024 19:12

Sounds like a sex pest. I couldn’t live like that

UstroketAlwach · 29/07/2024 19:29

Twice a week is quite sufficient. Cant he just have one off the wrist every day (himself) if he's such a horn dog?

Original poster
extrasupport · 29/07/2024 19:51

Thanks all. I feel very validated now 🥰 I will be adopting a zero tolerance approach from now. If he can't change, I'm really not worried about being single.
My divorce has taught me I'm pretty resilient and I'm very happy with my life overall.

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 29/07/2024 19:52

A grown man should understand something about female sexual arousal, that women don't always just turn on at a grab in a sexual area, unfortunately, a lot of men do not seem to know this. Porn tells them this is how it works because it's mainly made by men and shows women how men would like them to be. It may have worked now and then in the past so they hope today will be the day it works again, even though it didn't the last 100 times.
The only thing you can do Op is have a very serious conversation and tell him he's actually turning you off, not on, and if he doesn't change his ways the sex will get less and less.

dontcryformeargentina · 29/07/2024 21:44

He isn't kind or lovely.. Raise your standards, you got a sex pest who pretends to be kind and lovely to get what he wants and manipulate you.

BayandBlonde · 29/07/2024 21:51

I used to date a sex pest. He would constantly grab by boobs and crotch. The final straw came and he got the boot when he started doing it in public and grunting at the same time. Still makes my skin crawl just thinking about it

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