Boyfriend has said I’m too much for him

[DarknessDarkness]

I’ve been struggling mentally for a while and, on the whole, he’s been really supportive. I’ve had a few meltdowns and a call to the crisis team led to me currently awaiting an assessment for ADHD which I think could answer everything.

I am on sertraline meds and in the early stages of therapy.

I was struggling yesterday. I became really overwhelmed because I couldn’t bring myself to tidy our room after a busy day. Boyfriend became visibly agitated as he “just wanted to get started”. He had tried to comfort me and I didn’t feel much better, but I felt bad if he tidied all my things so I told him not to.
He then felt agitated that not only was I being unproductive, I also stopped him from being productive. I became very overwhelmed and teary.
He then became annoyed and said I’m a “pain in the ass” and didn’t want to be around me.

Later on, he said that sometimes I “am too much”. Not in general, but in certain situations. He said he feels hopeless and has “no idea how to help”.
I said how this wording upsets me (rather he said the situation is too much, not me personally) but he just kept saying it. He brought up how I was too much when I called the crisis team too, which hurt. He said that time he was scared, but today he was just fed up.
He said I need to “seek other forms of outlet first, not just him”. Although he said a few weeks ago he didn’t feel close to me and I need to open up to him more, very confusing.

I now can’t stop telling myself that I’m too much. I’m really upset and overwhelmed by it all. How do we fix this and how do I get over it?

Read "attached" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.

Try to stay calm and give him some space right now. It was just an argument and you were both triggered, he probably needs a bit of time to calm down. It doesn't mean it was a disaster or its over or anything like that.

Can you do something for yourself today? Go for a walk/gardening/exercise class or similar?

Thank you @CassieMaddox i am trying to be kind to myself today but I really didn’t sleep well so am knackered at work!
He did promise it’ll all be ok and it’s not over, I just feel so sad because he always used to say I’m just right for him (I’d never be too much etc) :(

Is he usually lovely?

@DarknessDarkness do you think that your BF is feeling overwhelmed with how to help you?
Maybe have a chat with him, reframe the situation by talking about the positives. You are receiving help, you’re waiting for the ADHD assessment and that you are not able to function 100% of the time.
it’s more that you need support due to your symptoms some of the time.

It’s easy to become reliant on people, so maybe take some time out, see a friend, spend a couple of hours apart.

He is usually lovely yeah. He is losing his cool at me a lot quicker now though and starting to say some nasty things which really hurts because I feel like I’m losing him

Once you are both feeling more level, talk about it openly. See how he feels, express how you feel. Try to better understand one another's points of view and struggles. I've had similar situations with my husband. I get overly anxious about something and he doesn't know what to do - though he only just realised this recently and told me. Previously it would come out as frustration and annoyance, which would really hurt me.

Essentially, it sounds like you're both struggling in different ways.

My relationship can be like this sometimes too. I know the not sleeping/panicking thing. It's an attachment system triggering - he wants to run away when he gets overwhelmed, you want to get close. So you are both overwhelmed by the argument and then your way for feeling better makes it worse for each of you.

You will feel better when you've both called down. Trust what he's saying, give him a bit of time. If you can find someone else (friend/family/pet) to give you a cuddle in the meantime that will help.

He sounds overwhelmed. It can be very scary to feel like someone’s mental wellbeing largely/solely relies on you.

Re. the mess in the bedroom it might be that he was struggling to offer emotional or verbal support so he felt like completing an ‘action’ (cleaning the room) would be something he could do for you to make you feel better or your day easier. When you stopped him from doing it, it probably just reinforced his worry that he wasn’t able to do anything to help.

Have some space for both of you to wind down before talking about it again. Put your all into your therapy and remember to prioritise time for the two of you where you’re not talking about your problems/worries, just enjoying life together.

It does sound like you're quite exhausting to be around, I can understand him getting fed up with it, especially if you're impacting him being able to do simple things like cleaning a room. Is your behaviour causing any other problems for example at his job? Is he not doing things he'd like to because you might get overwhelmed?

Do you have anyone else to turn to when you're struggling rather than putting everything on him? A friend you could call or family for example?

Helping someone who has mental health problems can be very draining on them , he is doing his best too but understandably finds it difficult at times and I think you have to accept that he will struggle at times and feel overwhelmed, accept support from others as well as him .

Here read the last bit of this article:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-freedom-change/201504/fear-intimacy-and-closeness-in-relationships?_gl=11cchfo6_gaUDZIOGFmX0d0MVFUY1JNeW9UZU9qSWlBbTNTeTltRGNuZDlham5CNC1wUmNhckZkNkZOa2VHZTRUUlRGa0hSeQ.._ga_5EMHF6S1M6*MTcyMjI0NDExNC43LjAuMTcyMjI0NDExNC4wLjAuMA..

Give him time and space. He has feelings that matter.

It may help you both to read Fern Brady's "Strong Female Character". It helped me to see things from both POV

I suffer from MH issues and my husband can sometimes struggle to be supportive and find it too much. He isn’t going anywhere, he just can’t do it all.

Does your BF have someone to talk to, or an outlet like sport to help?

It sounds like you are having a tough time and I am very sorry for you and hope some of the efforts you are making are going to pay off.

However, I also have a lot of sympathy for your DP. It can be really exhausting being the support person. A lot of the time, no matter what you do, you get it wrong and, to make it worse, in the meantime, none of your own needs are being met. For example, I can easily see a situation where he just wanted the room cleaned up but you couldn't do it, and wouldn't let him do it so he gets to continue to live in a messy and untidy rooc That is not fair on him.

I would suggest that you have a calm conversation about this. And you need to listen - if, as I suspect, he just wanted to get the rom sorted, you need to accept that you might not be able to do it, but you have to let him do it because he also had needs and preferences and it can't always be about you.

I don't know what happened when you called the crisis team, but I can also imagine how scary that was for him and that he probably feels a combination of helpless becuase he can't help you and worried that you are on a knifeedge.

It sounds very difficult for you but he needs support and understanding too. It’s totally natural he feels overwhelmed and drained. Try to come together and talk about a way you can support each other.

not only was I being unproductive, I also stopped him from being productive

He was right though. It must be incredibly draining for him. Give him some space. It’s difficult for you, but it’s not all about you.

I think you should just end it, OP. He's saying nasty things to you - that's not okay. I'm sure he's overwhelmed and struggling, but that's not an excuse for abusive words and behaviour. It sounds like he doesn't want to be your mental health support person, and that's fair enough, too. Let him go, and focus on getting your mental health sorted.

It’s not abusive for him to articulate how he feels. It’s very difficult to live full time with someone with MH issues, and sometimes that comes out in a way that isn’t necessarily very nice, but is far from abuse.

He is not being abusive. Stop using that word when it’s got nothing to do with abuse. He is telling her how he feels, which he has a right to do as much as she does. It does sound exhausting not even being allowed to tidy up a room. And the crying when it’s a simple task that just needs to get done. I couldn’t do it tbh. Abusive is an important word, you are undermining it.

I don't have ADHD but I cannot stand mess/clutter. It stresses me out.
So while you're struggling- he's not without his needs either.
If you can't do it... you need to let him when he offers.
I'd hate to live in a mess.

OP I'm in your DP'e position with my own wife. Sometimes it's very hard because the other person's adhd takes up so much of your time and mental energy: but only if it's untreated. And it sounds like you are recognising the need for support and are on the path to assessment and treatment (to learn new coping skills and explore other ways to manage). You're doing all the right things. When your DP calms, he probably knows this too. Good luck and well done for trying to take control of it. Seeking help is hard and you are doing that. I mean it. Well done.

Ultimately, he is your boyfriend. He isn't your carer or your therapist and yes, it will become incredibly stressful and overwhelming if your life together has started to revolve around you and your mental health issues.

I am prone to fairly serious bouts of depression and anxiety (for which I take medication) myself - but I feel pretty sorry for your boyfriend in the example you gave. You didn't feel able to cope with tidying up, he comforted you, and then he wanted to tidy up on his own, and you then told him not to because you would 'feel bad' about him tidying up your things and then you cried. Ultimately, what did you actually want him to do in that situation? Did you want him to sit there being miserable with you while the room remained untidy, so he has to live in a messy environment even though he was perfectly happy to tidy it up himself? He really couldn't win in that situation. A totally normal and routine thing (tidying up) became a big emotional teary drama in which he was cast as the villain for making you feel bad by doing something that needed doing. That sort of thing is very, very draining and honestly, he must be emotionally exhausted.

He shouldn't be saying 'nasty' things to you, but you do also need to accept that he has feelings too and that he needs to carry on functioning and getting things done even when you can't. It sounds as if he is under a lot of stress and that he is constantly walking on eggshells - that isn't sustainable for him and you need to find a more reasonable way of navigating your mental health issues in your relationship. He is right that he cannot always be the one you lean on for comfort and support, particularly when there is actually nothing he can do or say that actually helps. He's powerless to help you and that's bloody hard for him.

I don't think he's being abusive or nasty. It's just simply not what you want to hear, and yes, he was directing those feelings/words towards you, not the situation, because the situation was you and your poor mental health at the time. If that makes sense.

He's perfectly well within reason to feel like he does. You both are trying to be heard by the other and it doesn't seem to be getting through.

He's also saying he isn't qualified, equiped, able to help you. Which is why he was asking you to have another outlet. It's a lot of responsibility to take on another persons mental health and well being.

It is very hard to live when you have mental health issues. It is also very hard to love and care for someone who has mental health problems. (My experience is more as a mum caring for DS22 and seeing g/fs trying to have relationships with him and being destroyed by him.) You cannot just expect him to know what to do, or to have the capacity to do it. He can't fix you. It's not his responsibility. Maybe you need time out from romantic relationships until you have more stability- diagnosis and treatment in place?