Boyfriend has said I’m too much for him

[DarknessDarkness]

I’ve been struggling mentally for a while and, on the whole, he’s been really supportive. I’ve had a few meltdowns and a call to the crisis team led to me currently awaiting an assessment for ADHD which I think could answer everything.

I am on sertraline meds and in the early stages of therapy.

I was struggling yesterday. I became really overwhelmed because I couldn’t bring myself to tidy our room after a busy day. Boyfriend became visibly agitated as he “just wanted to get started”. He had tried to comfort me and I didn’t feel much better, but I felt bad if he tidied all my things so I told him not to.
He then felt agitated that not only was I being unproductive, I also stopped him from being productive. I became very overwhelmed and teary.
He then became annoyed and said I’m a “pain in the ass” and didn’t want to be around me.

Later on, he said that sometimes I “am too much”. Not in general, but in certain situations. He said he feels hopeless and has “no idea how to help”.
I said how this wording upsets me (rather he said the situation is too much, not me personally) but he just kept saying it. He brought up how I was too much when I called the crisis team too, which hurt. He said that time he was scared, but today he was just fed up.
He said I need to “seek other forms of outlet first, not just him”. Although he said a few weeks ago he didn’t feel close to me and I need to open up to him more, very confusing.

I now can’t stop telling myself that I’m too much. I’m really upset and overwhelmed by it all. How do we fix this and how do I get over it?

I feel for both of you.

It sounds like your boyfriend is being very patient, but I understand his frustration. This situation must be very difficult for him, He doesn't know what to do (how would he, he's not a psychologist) and many folk would just walk away.

You both need space (even for a while) and you need to get proper help and take time out for some careful self refection. For example, ask yourself why you 'couldn't bring yourself to tidy your room' - tiredness, laziness or something else. The root causes are important. Good luck.

@DarknessDarkness No advice about the relationship but if you have adhd then sertraline is the worst thing you can be on. Speak to your gp about coming off it. It will go against your adhd mind. I thought I was going mental but turns out i have adhd and sertaline was definitely not the right medication for me.

Sounds like you need to consider the end of this relationship. You are not in a good place with your mental health and you are destroying your boyfriend's mental health as well.

You need to focus on your own mental health and doing whatever it is that works for you to do that, if tidying your room is too overwhelming on a given day then you need to be able to leave it until you can do that. It's not fair on another person to stop them from tidying a room that would be equally overwhelming for them to stay in when it's a mess.

He might have chosen his words badly and hurt your feelings with things he has said, but your actions crying and telling him you will feel bad if he tidied up are just as bad. This is not a healthy relationship anymore and if it continues like this you will both end up feeling worse, with him most likely being accused of being abusive.

I don’t think he’s nasty but he is frustrated.. I actually feel for your BF .. if he is constantly stepping on eggshells and can only go when you are ready that’s not living or fair on him. You have mental health problems which you are owning but do you recognise how hard it is for him?

F

@DarknessDarkness Just like any other condition, the responsibility of managing it is yours. You should avoid hanging on to your partner too much. It's not easy to be on the receiving end of meltdowns and panic attacks.
We all have our issues, and if he feels he can't actually take yours on, as well as his own, you might actually push him away.

Your life=your responsibility. We can all help each other, but not at the cost of our own sanity. No one can swim if we all sink together.

Brilliant answer.

Nasty things from her very sensitive perspective, they may not actually be nasty (just truthful) in the real world. I’ve said ‘nasty’ things to partners before but it’s because I’ve been pushed to the end of my tether, not because I’m an abusive person. People cannot walk on eggshells all the time doing that affects your own mental well-being!

Are you seeking other forms of help and support op? I think you need to focus on considering how you can get help for your mental health and be realistic about how much your partner can do for you without it impacting upon his own wellbeing.

While I really feel for you, it came be stifling to cope with a partner that requires constant support and assurance.

We can't really say he's abusive until we know the nasty things he's saying. Someone might view a person as 'nasty' for refusing to share their crisps.

@DarknessDarkness What has he said that felt nasty to you? Also, keep in mind that if he's at his wit's end, that's his responsibility to deal with. If you are not coping, that's your responsibility. It sounds like he feels responsible for your feelings, and like he should be able to help, and that you feel responsible for his, in that you feel guilt for overwhelming him. You are allowed to have a MH issue. He is allowed to be upset. You are doing something about your issue; what is he doing for himself about his?

When he says you're too much, he means too much for him. It sounds like he is quite possibly, too much for you, right now, too. It doesn't mean that either of you is too much by any other measure. He is not the final arbiter of how 'much' you should be; you should be you, as you are. If he finds that too much, he needs to give himself some space, an outlet, rather than trying to get you to find an outlet in order to save him from his feelings.

You're not too much. You're struggling, and that's hard on a relationship. But, outside of the relationship, you are one of millions in a very similar position, just trying to get back on your feet.

Sometimes you need to "do the thing". If you can't do the thing, go somewhere else and let him do the thing. It's really complicated why you can't just "do the thing" but learning to navigate the mental hurdles is really helpful.

Have a look at "How to ADHD" on Youtube. Paricularly the vid on doing the thing! Additude has lots of good articles on how to manage relationships. Best to educate yourself and become your own best therapist. Externalising your thoughts helps but yeah, it can be a bit much for the other person.

In the meantime, cut the guy a break. He will either stay with you or leave, either way eventually you will be fine.

Be a bit careful with meds, I can't remember the reason but ADs can be difficult for adhd people. Watch your breathing. I found most of my anxiety was very physical and it was because I literally stop breathing and it raises anxiety like nothing else. Hang in there, it does get better.

OP I don’t know if you have TikTok? There is an account on there, ADHD love. It’s a couple, one has ADHD and the other doesn’t.
It gives advice and tips for partners of people who have ADHD and traits.

They also have an app called dubbii. It’s a body doubling app, there are tasks on there and videos of them doing the task and you can use that as a motivation when you are doing tasks.
The young people I work with have found it to be quite effective.

Using an outside source for support might help your partner to be less overwhelmed, just a thought.

My husband has a diagnosis of ADHD. Most days I can cope but some days it’s exhausting being around my husband.

give him space when he feels like this. It’s hard for you but also hard for your boyfriend.

Absolutely correct.
If this was a reverse and the male was the one not allowing his female partner to tidy her stuff because it makes him feel bad, this thread would be full of LTB advice!

The relationship has to work for both of you and meet the needs of both of you,

it sounds potentially like his needs are not being met. Being with someone and essentially caring for them when they have a physical or mental health condition is tough and it’s fair enough if he’s not up for that.

I can see why he got frustrated if he wanted things tidy but you weren’t able to do it yourself but also told him not to do it.

Yes. And one could argue that it is actually OP who is being abusive to her partner, emotionally abusive with the crying and telling him what he can and can’t do. So that he doesn’t know which leg to stand on. Not allowed to tidy up. Making everything about her. Imagine reversed roles.

To those who likes the word abusive.

Have you only just started your setraline in the last few weeks? If yes that can make you emotional

I’m really sorry you don’t feel supported. I completely understand the overwhelming feelings. Having someone angry at you while you’re spiralling feels devastating.

Things will get better for you. The sertraline helped me so much. Reading books like Fern Brady and watching videos of other women with ADHD / neurodivergence will help you find the words you need.

Your partner may or may not be able to handle it. He sounds like he’s scared right now. I have an ND partner myself (we didn’t know this when we met, we just got each other and felt like we were from the same weirdo planet or something) and we help each other. I think it would be really hard for a neurotypical person to support me because they couldn’t relate to the feelings I go through.

Yes, I take your point. Either way, it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

I don't like the word abusive. I feel that it adequately describes a situation where someone is being nasty to their partner. However, as I've said multiple times now, I think the whole relationship sounds unhealthy. Maybe I shouldn't have taken OPs description at face value, but either way, it's not looking like a good relationship where both people feel supported.

Fair enough. No it doesn’t sound healthy.

Just took this out of the library! Thank you everyone

Well done OP. It is such a good sign that you are doing something about it. It can’t be easy, but you will get there in the end I am sure.

That sounds like a really
interesting book