Boyfriend has said I’m too much for him

[DarknessDarkness]

I’ve been struggling mentally for a while and, on the whole, he’s been really supportive. I’ve had a few meltdowns and a call to the crisis team led to me currently awaiting an assessment for ADHD which I think could answer everything.

I am on sertraline meds and in the early stages of therapy.

I was struggling yesterday. I became really overwhelmed because I couldn’t bring myself to tidy our room after a busy day. Boyfriend became visibly agitated as he “just wanted to get started”. He had tried to comfort me and I didn’t feel much better, but I felt bad if he tidied all my things so I told him not to.
He then felt agitated that not only was I being unproductive, I also stopped him from being productive. I became very overwhelmed and teary.
He then became annoyed and said I’m a “pain in the ass” and didn’t want to be around me.

Later on, he said that sometimes I “am too much”. Not in general, but in certain situations. He said he feels hopeless and has “no idea how to help”.
I said how this wording upsets me (rather he said the situation is too much, not me personally) but he just kept saying it. He brought up how I was too much when I called the crisis team too, which hurt. He said that time he was scared, but today he was just fed up.
He said I need to “seek other forms of outlet first, not just him”. Although he said a few weeks ago he didn’t feel close to me and I need to open up to him more, very confusing.

I now can’t stop telling myself that I’m too much. I’m really upset and overwhelmed by it all. How do we fix this and how do I get over it?

Maybe he meant it's too much for him to deal with right now? He also has needs and limited capacity. I was your DP in a previous relationship and there were times when it was absolutely too much, I just couldn't cope with the other person's needs any more. It wasn't about them but about my own inability to handle it any more.

100% - but sadly this word along with others is bandied around all the time on here. Someone even said a BF sulking was abusive on a different thread FFS. Well, in that case in every relationship I have had, both me and partner have been abusive! Its not, its an argument and even the best snap and say / do something that is not what they would normally do.

OP, great that you are aware of this - just talk calmly to him when you can about this as it sounds like it just a little blip

Has this happened before OP?

I've read the exact same scenario about the room tidying a few months ago.

It's tough for you having mental health issues but it's tough for him too, and as much as it was hard to hear, I don't think you can police his feelings and language about them.

Abusive? What??

Do you realise how controlling this makes you sound?

"Don't say what you really feel when you're suffering, because I'm going to immediately dismiss you as abusive".

You'll end up with two people with mental health issues, if you go down that route.

He's opened up to you OP.
Listen to what he is saying.

Sometimes it's too much
You need to find another outlet rather than just him
He tried to comfort you.
He tried to tidy up

And you said you would rather he use a different word.

Can you not see that this is a lot to put on a partner?

You need to let him express himself as well.

Can you fix this? Who knows?

How long have you been together?
How old are you?
Do you have a mortgage? Kids?

There is a big difference between a 20 yr partnership with many years of a happy solid relationship behind it and 12 months of what is supposed to still be the fun bits.

I would help a partner with MH issues, of course i would, but yo what extent and how long would depend on the relationship before they started.

Have you said sorry to him? Sorry for not letting him tidy, sorry for telling him which words to use? Because he might have been using the words he meant, just because they are not the ones you want to hear doesn't make them wrong.

How long have you been together?

It’s very difficult being in a relationship with someone with mental health difficulties.

I wonder if you would be better off single while you sort yourself out.

Yes, I see the word being used all the time on here. When it’s just a discussion or an argument. It’s a part of life to not be happy all the time, to sometimes argue or as in this case he spoke up and told her the truth. Just because it’s not what she wanted to hear, that it’s tough to live or be with her, doesn’t mean he can’t tell her this.

It’s not nothing to do with abuse and people using that word really should think before they do. I suspect in this case it can do more harm than good, if OP gets in her head starting to think that maybe she is being abused after all. When she is not.

I said how this wording upsets me (rather he said the situation is too much, not me personally) but he just kept saying it

So, he tried to articulate his feelings, and your reaction was to make it about you and how you feel. Similarly when he wanted to tidy up, you told him not to because it made you feel bad.

Basically, whenever he tries to tell you he's struggling or upset or can't cope, you turn it round and tell him he is upsetting you.

This isn't about the fact that you're struggling with your mental health. It's about the fact that you're not allowing him any room to manage his mental health.

He kept saying that you are too much, rather than the situation is too much, because it's true. You are the situation. You can't help being unwell (like I said in my previous post, I've been there and I'm sure I will be again) but you do need to accept that your boyfriend's feelings are perfectly valid and that he needs to be listened to without being made to feel guilty.

This.

So, he tried to articulate his feelings, and your reaction was to make it about you and how you feel. Similarly when he wanted to tidy up, you told him not to because it made you feel bad.

Spot on.

I would find this extremely difficult to deal with. Living in untidy and messy conditions would be something I’d find unbearable. Like him I’d want to get it sorted, I’d happily do it on my own without help, yet you’re not even letting him do that. Couldn’t you just go out for a walk and leave him to it?

Sorry, I have sympathy for you but you're making this all about you and your feelings. He's telling you how he feels but all you talk about is how it hurts you.
Give him space. He's struggling.

Your post sounds similar to things that would happen in my relationship with my ex. Everything ended up being about him and his mental health. I would get in from work and he'd done nothing, the house would be a mess, dog needed walking / feeding and it was all down to me. Yet the minute I started cleaning up or sorting the dog out he would say I was just trying to make him feel guilty. I could never win. It was horrendous.

Mental illness often makes people selfish.through no fault of their own and I can see in your post at no time do you see if from his side, it’s all about you and what you need,. But he’s a person too, with needs, not just a support person for you,

sit him down and say that you want to support him too, that you understand how hard it must be for him and you want to find a way to make it bearable for him,

Oh please!!! 🙄 He's not being abusive!! Ffs 🤦‍♀️

OP said he's saying nasty things to her. What would you call that then? In my book, saying nasty things to your partner is abusive.

Fine, if you don't want to call it abusive. It's still not something that should be tolerated in a relationship. That's also on top of the fact that OP sounds like she's using her boyfriend for mental health support that he's not equipped to provide.

He is a man so nothing he says or does will be right, op could you live with you?

This:

Sometimes, people can inadvertently weaponise their MH/ND issues.

And it's not a recipe for a healthy realationship.

One person doesn't get a I have MH issues/ND issues 'card' which means they control everything in the relationship and the other person has to just deal with it because the other person might get upset or does get upset and says no, you have to stop tidying up, you have to stop using words I don't like, stop being upset that i'm causing you stress because it makes ME feel bad.

Depends on what’s being said, from then examples given, he is far from abusive.

Absolutely agree that articulating how you feel is not abusive.

Saying "nasty things" though, I'd argue is abusive. OP says he's "starting to say some nasty things which really hurts" and that's not something that she should have to tolerate.

By the same token, I don't think his life should revolve around OP and what she wants. It sounds like an unhealthy relationship for both of them.

Living with an adhd person is hard, I live with 2.
you both need to learn about it together and like others have said give him space.

if I knew 14 years ago what I know I’d be in a very different place, literally

Fair enough. I took OP's statement about him being nasty at face value.

What the op perceived to be nasty and is nasty could be vastly different. So far all we know is he said she was a pain in the ass and too much, neither of which would label someone abusive.

so instead of labelling and doubling down on it when folks disagree, ask her for examples. Then judge.

OP thinks he is saying nasty things to her because she doesn’t want to hear it.
So to her they are nasty things. It doesn’t mean they are. She should try listening to her partner and not make his legit feelings also about her.

Exactly. And telling her she’s in an abusive relationship helps no one.