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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is my husband having an affair?

57 replies

Den39 · 14/04/2008 00:50

would welcome any views as my having approached my husband on this, he says that it is a bit of office banter and flirting and he is not having an affair. He received a text from a woman at work "texting with a grin. God your hard work. Don't u ever answer texts or is this u being aloof. Can only text when i know your at work however mine always safe" name xxx. Just to say he did attempt a one night stand with another woman just over a year ago but don't want to go into any details. Needless to say not sure i believe him.

OP posts:
SmugColditz · 14/04/2008 00:52

Yes, probably. Sorry.

nkf · 14/04/2008 00:54

I agree with SmugColditz. And yes sorry.

MeMySonAndI · 14/04/2008 01:00

I'm sorry.

Sixer · 14/04/2008 01:04

sack him. he's having you a fool. sort him out once and for all.

alipiggie · 14/04/2008 02:04

A text message is exactly how I found out about my H's affair. The ".... I love you too and miss you and don't worry we'll find a way to be together now she's over". Technology has a lot to answer for . Seriously he needs to be honest.

Flum · 14/04/2008 02:07

Probably. Private Investigator? Either way I would ask him if he wants to continue being married would he please find a new position in a new company.

Flum · 14/04/2008 02:08

Intrigued you looked at his phone. Would never do that. Praps just wouldn't want to know as wouldn't want to deal with the fall out if her was!

alipiggie · 14/04/2008 02:11

Why shouldn't you - for me a relationship is total trust NOTHING to hide. For me - his crackberry beeped and as he was expecting a very important call I picked it up and saw the text. What can you do? But I guess I'm the old-fashioned kind that believes a marriage means that you should be able to trust your husband implicitly and have no secrets from each other. Sadly he's ruined the "trust" aspect for me for a while.

Alexa808 · 14/04/2008 08:06

I would look at phones, emails, etc without hesitation as my dp can always look at mine. I'm not snooping around on it but I'm taking calls when he's in the shower or using his PC when e's already looged onto the www.

I'm really sorry for you it sounds like there's more to it than just a bit of flirting. Would you consider a private investigator? Flum has a point: if he's having an affair and you want to make your marriage work he has to move away from the company and the OW.

What do you know of the OW? Has your dh brought her up a lot? Is she the shining virtue of every woman? (The sort of crap all men believe, aka grass is greener.)

Alexa808 · 14/04/2008 08:07

Oh man, my English sucks today. Sorry. Have been on the phone to my Mum today and lost half my vocab

anothermum92 · 14/04/2008 08:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MrsMacaroon · 14/04/2008 08:28

attempting one night stands and text flirting/possible shagging (does sound well dodgy) is something you shouldn't stand for...hope he comes clean- if not, don't allow him to make you feel like you're over-reacting or being paranoid. You're not.

stuffitllama · 14/04/2008 08:31

Yes, sorry -- the safe comment is the giveaway that something more than friendship is going on, even if it's not a full blown affair.

Original poster
Den39 · 14/04/2008 09:29

Thanks everyone for responding so quickly. I was quite assertive with him when i tackled it. I did say it was completely inappropriate behaviour. He is a company director as well, so i think even worse in terms of the boss/employee bit. In terms of him leaving the company, we part own it and have a financial stake in it, so very tricky plus more importantly we have a 2 yr old son together. Also, i didn't say but when i raised it with him, he got his mobile out opened his messages saying which message are you talking about as don't know what you mean, when i explained the one, he immediately opened and then deleted it so i didn't have time to read it with him. fortunately, i had written it all down including her number. Have thought about a private investigator but heard very expensive.

OP posts:
beaniesteve · 14/04/2008 10:36

If it were me... I'd call the number, from his phone if possible, and see what the person answering says.

TurkeyLurkey · 14/04/2008 10:40

I'm sorry but this sounds very very dodgy. Thats not the sort of text you recieve in innocence, without encoragement.

TurkeyLurkey · 14/04/2008 10:42

Can you look at 'sent messages' on his phone? Dare I say it, when he's not around/asleep?

OverMyDeadBody · 14/04/2008 10:47

I may be clutching at straws here, but from the ocntent of the text it could be possible that she is persuing him and flirting but is so far getting no where. The comment about him being hard work and not responding to her texts could be that he is not responding to her advances and not proving to be the easy shag she maybe hoped for?

OverMyDeadBody · 14/04/2008 10:48

I could imagine a sexual predator type woman writing that type of text without any encouragement tbh.

rainbowface · 14/04/2008 11:03

I like the idea of calling her from his phone and seeing how she answers, you should do that,you dont have to actually speak. Her response to a call 'from him' may be useful for you. Good luck.

MrsMacaroon · 14/04/2008 11:06

hmmmm I would definately say this is more than 'inappropriate behaviour'... the way he quickly deleted the message is also very suspicious. Without knowing much about the 'one night stand' you mentioned earlier it's hard to make a judgement about his history but it's not sounding good- I definately wouldn't trust him by the sounds of it. I'm so sorry you're in this situation with a 2 year old to think of- that's the same age as my DD and I would be heartbroken...no-one's worth being made a mug of though so I would take some time to think about how to progress...maybe get some advise, legally and emotionally. Big hug x

Dropdeadfred · 14/04/2008 11:07

Her text does seem to emphasis that he doesn't 'ever answer texts'..

cestlavie · 14/04/2008 11:15

You know, I'm always one of the first on here to advise against jumping to conclusions on very limited evidence but it's very hard to read that text as anything but indicative of something illicit. The entire tone and content suggests something of an in-joke rather than someone frantically stalking him.

That being said, it is just one text and in the absence of anything else it might be worth seeing what else you can find out. What did he say when you confronted him about it? Is there anything else (apart from him attempting the one-night stand!) which makes you suspicious about him at the moment?

VictorianSqualor · 14/04/2008 11:30

I agree with cestlavie, it seems too intimate to be nothing to me.
I'd text her from his phone saying something like 'DW out for dinner so safe tonight, she's not happy about finding your text though,think I'm in trouble' (he's likely to have told her you found it) and see her reply.

MrsMattie · 14/04/2008 11:30

He's lying to you. Something is going on.