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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

is my husband having an affair?

57 replies

Den39 · 14/04/2008 00:50

would welcome any views as my having approached my husband on this, he says that it is a bit of office banter and flirting and he is not having an affair. He received a text from a woman at work "texting with a grin. God your hard work. Don't u ever answer texts or is this u being aloof. Can only text when i know your at work however mine always safe" name xxx. Just to say he did attempt a one night stand with another woman just over a year ago but don't want to go into any details. Needless to say not sure i believe him.

OP posts:

beaniesteve · 14/04/2008 11:37

it's the word 'safe' which makes me think it's dodgy. It sounds like something is afoot.

BeauLocks · 14/04/2008 11:38

Of course he is. It's obvious.

Sorry.

themoon66 · 14/04/2008 11:39

Agree with Victoriansqualor... text her from his phone.

Original poster

Den39 · 14/04/2008 11:45

Other concerns are that he is very snappy with me on anything and everything, though much better towards me after my approaching him! have exhausted all angles on his mobile. she sent him a text new years eve, a poem not really anything you could read into. he phoned her just after 11pm about a month ago, he had apparently been to the dog races. he got back about 11.45 pm after i rang him at about 11 to see where he was (i wouldn't normally chase him but had a very early miscarriage that night). All very strange as the pregnancy had been planned and he was really pleased. I am using a work counselling service (it is confidential - i know as helped set it up). So seeking support advice on where to go from here. I will be seeking face to face counselling sessions and asking if my husband can also join, as we need to do something to resolve. the problem is getting hard evidence, as i have just heard denials so far. a private investigator would find out if they are spending time together which is all i need to have. He does work late sometimes but with a son, i cannot just do the 45 min drive to his office to see if he is on his own or not. I am waiting a call back from the counselling service to talk through next steps.

OP posts:

beaniesteve · 14/04/2008 11:50

I seriously wouldn't go down the private investigator route yet. it seems a little dramatic and would be expensive. You shouldn't be chasing round after him trying to catch him out, I recon the text is damaging enough.

Do you really believe him when he says it is nothing?
Would you be able to get hold of his phone and text her number? This is what I would do. Even if you don't have time to read the response she sends.

Or just text the number with 'call me' and wait to see what happens?

VictorianSqualor · 14/04/2008 11:53

If you're willing to pay out for a private investigator it would be better to take his sim card out of his phone, drop it down the toilet so it no longer works and send him to the shop or out somewhere.
Then he won't take his phone and you can put his sim in a different phone and text her.
Sounds sneaky but it's much cheaper than a PD.

stirlingmum · 14/04/2008 11:59

I agree with VS - I found out lots by texting ow from h's phone and pretending to be him. She gave me alot of info I wasn't previously aware of.
Finding out hurts like hell - but it is something you need to know.
It could be an emotional affair which is still just as upsetting - the fact that they are having private conversations, that your h would rather you didn't know about is enough!
Take your time and think about your next step.

Original poster

Den39 · 14/04/2008 12:02

i don't believe his denial, as much as i would love to. i have thought about texting her from his phone with an opening text to see what the response is, which i may yet do. but as you say, do i really need any more evidence? i wouldn't call her from his phone as i just wouldn't know what to say as i don't know the facts. I am also thinking about what an earth i do if it's definately an affair. I work and could manage on my own, but not what i had planned for the future with our son.

OP posts:

Ulysees · 14/04/2008 12:11

agree with looking at sent messages.

Go with your gut hun what does it say?

Text from his phone if you want. I wouldn't tackle him about this anymore as he'll only get another phone for her. Keep it quiet until you have all the evidence but it doesn't sound good to me.

Could he be worried about his finances should he leave?

VictorianSqualor · 14/04/2008 12:12

I'd imagine sent messages will have been deleted now.
Also if anything is gong on they'll be on their guard now, so leave it for a week or so.

CountessDracula · 14/04/2008 12:17

Can you get a look at his mobile bills and see how much he has been calling and texting her? I don't mean sneakily, I mean ask him to show you if he has nothing to hide. If he refuses then you know he does...

oiseau · 14/04/2008 12:30

Sorry but I agree I think he is as well and i think deep down you do too.

I found out about my exHs affair by reading a text as well - it said "All booked I love you and I can't wait to see you" I confronted him and unbelievably I bought the lie he told me initially. Deep down I knew he was up to something - looking back the fact that i was snooping in the first place says it all. he was obsessive about not leaving his phone out and i was obsessive about trying to get my hands back on it. All history deleted etc. I then managed to hack into his online credit card statement and there was a hotel charge - classy! it was horrible time and DS was only 18 mths but actually the relief of finding out I wasn't going completely mad was quite enormous.

I wished I had got a private investigator earlier or even just asked a friend to go and sit outside his office and follow him - reckon i would have caught him within about 2 days - it would have saved a lot of agony.

littlewoman · 14/04/2008 13:07

Agree the 'safe' word is the big alarm bell. I'm so sorry.

MrsMacaroon · 14/04/2008 13:11

curious about OW- does she work for your DH?

Counselling etc sounds perfect- you seem to have your head screwed on and are making all the right moves. Still think you should get legal advise- nothing wrong with being prepared.

Would you leave him if it turns out to be an affair?

oldwomanwholivedinashoe · 14/04/2008 13:14

Def affair I agree with others. Sorry. what will you do if you find out it is affair? This should be a factor in thinking about what you do next.

paddington99 · 14/04/2008 13:22

The text doesn't prove there's an affair, but it certainly points to flirting. And from what you say, he's admitted to flirting with this woman. For me, that would be a problem in itself, although probably (hopefully) one that could be fixed.

Well done for writing the message down - you can reassure yourself that it really did exist as you remember!

Did the text come from her name, or just a number? The reason I ask is if he has programmed her number under her name, he probably doesn't know what it is. If you could get hold of a phone with a number he doesn't recognise, you could re-program his phone so his messages to 'her' actually come to your secret phone.

If you haven't seen anything he's written, he can always use the 'she's chasing me' excuse.

Good luck. You must be going through a really tough time. Hope things get better for you.

Original poster

Den39 · 14/04/2008 13:44

thanks for all the advice and support everyone. I have checked his mobile phone bills but they don't break down the calls. Having spoken to the counsellor, her advice is that i do need to sit down and discuss further with my husband as his behaviour, even if flirting rather than an affair is still really inappropriate and immature. I think this is the way to go as whatever happens from here, we will have to discuss. To get more evidence, i can only text her from his phone or use a PI - 1st one is dodgy and 2nd expensive. I may talk to a lawyer though as it may be i do need hard evidence if we do split. PLus i need to get on top of the money situation - i used to do all of it before my son was born but now just don't have the time and leave to my husband, which cannot continue. It doesn't help that i am at home with my son who has chickenpox so dwelling on all of this all of the time

Sad as the responses are though iSeems to be pretty much that everyone is in agreement on this.

OP posts:

VictorianSqualor · 14/04/2008 13:49

paddington that's a good idea.
Just change her number in his phone to yours.
Then when he selects her name they come to you.

Alexa808 · 14/04/2008 14:48

Den39, sorry to hear about your mc. It must be so sad already and now this {sad}

There are shops in London (and UK) where you can send his phone incl. Sim card to. Up to a year they can trace and bring back messages, emails, texts, etc. I heard there is also a small device you can plug onto his Sim Card which allows you to listen in on conversations and see his texts. I do not know the name but it was in one of the last 2 GQs or FHMs. They had a tech special.

Also: a colleague has bought this to our desk. We had it installed to catch fraudulent trade input via email. It works and is not detectable by anti-spy software. You'll see all the input from your dh's pc in text form.

Alternatively to a private eye you could always ask a friend he's not so familiar with to watch him.

littlewoman · 14/04/2008 15:13

Oiseau, deepest sympathy. When people say 'why were you looking at his phone', it is because you kind of know something's amiss, even though you don't know what it is that's wrong. I know some people are deeply paranoid and distrustful, but it isnt fair to always blame the 'snoopers'. 60% or thereabouts of men are unfaithful during their marriages. 60% of women are not paranoid maniacs. If a woman is snooping on her husband, therefore, it is less likely that she is paranoid than that he is up to no good and alarm bells are ringing in her head.

Ulysees · 14/04/2008 15:13

yes good idea about the number change thing!

CountessDracula · 14/04/2008 15:19

So call the mobile co and get them to send itemised bills!

kerryk · 14/04/2008 15:27

paddington99, that is a excellent idea. my friend thinks her dh is up to something and am going to pass that on.

oiseau · 14/04/2008 16:07

lw - you are so right.
Den39 - I am so glad you are seeing a counsellor, I saw someone and her support through that time was invaluable - I came out of it all much quicker and saner I think as a result.

My one piece of advice would be don't put yourself through too much prolonged torture if there is a way to bring things to a resolution more quickly take it. that way you can do the healing and move on.

Original poster

Den39 · 14/04/2008 16:28

have also rung a PI agency to find out fees, £200 for 1st 5 hours as min then £40 ph from there on in, they reckon 2-3 days to get evidence as an average. i am seriously tempted to also text her from my husband's phone to see what response i get, though may be worth letting the dust settle as she may be suspicous, though itchin to do something tonight if the opportunity arises

OP posts:

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