Dh being a nightmare, dd upset

[Doubtfuldaphne]

Dh has been snappy and miserable for quite a long time but generally fine he just doesn’t have much patience with the dc’s. Last year on holiday he was very argumentative mainly aimed at dd and they bicker like siblings which drives me mad as he’s a grown man.
Things were going better after and this month he took her abroad while I stayed behind as I have work commitments. First few days were fine then I get to hear from dd that he’s being awful. Arguing with her then prodded her hard on the shoulder and had a go at her in public because she kept going on about wanting things from the shops apparently. He also made some comments about how he’s embarrassed of her in front of others and her there. When I told him I knew about this and I was very angry and upset, he got very angry and defensive saying it’s all made up but I know dd wouldn’t lie. She’s really upset and stuck with him until they come back in a couple of days. He’s obviously angry because his behaviour’s been exposed and he’s playing the victim. I’ve just had enough of this and dd has too, she is only 13. What should be my next move?

What's in your gut?

You have said yourself Op that your DH is snappy and miserable. Does he tell you why?

Are they alone ie just the two of them?

Why did the two go away alone when they get on so badly?

They’re staying with dh’s friends so in a group. I just think he’s incredibly immature and has no patience

They went without me together as things had been so much better between them and we all love to travel, so take any opportunity that comes up.

You need to wake up to the damage he is doing to your daughter.
Damage she will carry with her.
Damage she will blame on you because you didn't protect her.

He is a bully and you know it.
Please take this very seriously.
A girls relationship with her father forms such an important template of her future relationships with men.

Him humiliating her in front of others is so wrong.
Does she have any SEN?
She is a bit old for pestering at the shops?
How is she generally behaved?

This is how I’ve been thinking and I feel I need to protect her. I can’t imagine him acting like this to other adults. Generally she is kind and chatty, very funny too. She does have some traits of autism but after being tested it was found not to be ‘enough’ for a diagnosis. She is quite needy and doesn’t do things for herself very often and as she forgot her money, dh was irritated by this and this seems to be the cause of the biggest argument as she wanted things and he wanted to do something else but dd kept pestering him about buying it and paying him back. From what she’s told me there’s a lot of childish bickering between them and this really drives me mad as he is an adult and shouldn’t be acting so childish.

She's 13 and he's not only an adult but he's her father - so what's his excuse?

It would be pretty horrifying to realise that he can't or won't be an adult and manage his own behaviour when parenting his own DD, even if his behaviour is adversely affecting her. Particularly when they are abroad and she has nobody else to turn to for support or help when she's feeling unhappy and belittled by him. It doesn't say much about how much he loves and cares for his daughter, does it?

What a dick.

He has so many issues from his own childhood which he uses as an excuse but it’s absolutely not an excuse, he is old enough to work things out and be a decent father.
I really don’t know what to do when they get back.

How awful for her. Poor thing .

He needs to recognise the damage he is causing and make efforts to change otherwise it would be unfair to keep inflicting this on her.

So all she wanted to do was borrow money to buy something and that set him off?
He is emotionally abusing her and you need to seek advice.

She is NOT his emotional punching bag.
Should she choose to tell a mandated adult about how her father bullys, belittles and has humiliated her in front of others, it will be reported.
I would report this.
Take it seriously OP.

Take legal advice now while he is away and get organised.
When they return he needs to move out immediately and you all need to take space.
Offer to self report his abuse of her to SS, perhaps THAT will wake him up.

She is 13, NOT his emotional punching bag.

What a dick he is , even if your daughter did forget her money to buy the thing she so wanted , why didn’t her dad just buy it for her ?? He’s her dad he could just buy it for her without having to pay it back , why is it such a big deal if he dearly loves his child ? And no I would not be taking money from my 13 year old to pay me back , she’s a child not adult .
And hopefully this will be an eye opener for both of them not to go on holiday together anymore as they still can’t get along even if things have been good at home for a while .

I don’t understand why you’re still together.

You say things have been bad for a long time, so why are you both dragging out the inevitable.

Its one thing for him to be snappy and miserable and you but if it was me and it started affecting my kids then I would absolutely leave.

Living separately would not only mean you can be happy, but also that your DCs are not with him every day and therefore they can develop a better relationship with him.

You are choosing to stay with a man like this.
Your DCs don’t have a choice.
It’s not fair.

He either needs to sort it out or you need to stand up for your DD. My father was a nightmare when I was a teenager and the main thing I remember is that my mother allowed us to continue to be subjected to it.

It sounds like he’s turned her into the scapegoat. Your husband could potentially have narcissistic personality disorder which would explain the scapegoating and childlike behavior, people like this are basically children in adult bodies

That’s exactly him. He is self absorbed. The way he’s turned this into him being a victim says it all.

Oh god!! Please stop with separation and divorce advice! He is still her father and that will only result in him spending unsupervised time with her plus he might blame kids for divorce which will make him more angry.

Seek psychological help for your husband, obviously if he had childhood issues he might not know better. In theory yes, we all have that picture of perfect parent, but in real life we fall back on how our parents/caregivers behaved with us. He might be going through smth that he doesn't understand, for example of daughter is becoming young lady and gets more independence, he might be finding that hard without consciously understanding it.

Ask him what relationship he wants to have with his daughter in the future and what expectations you have of him as a father. Come from a place of love and trying to support him in his struggles to get him agree on work with psychologist. I just think psychologist from a place of respect will be able to explain to him that he is an adult in this father/daughter relationship.

You say it's like 'bickering' between siblings but he's not her sibling, so it's more like a child being bullied by their parent.

I had a similar holiday with my dad when I was about 16 and I've tried never to spend more than two hours alone with him again in my life, happy to have a more minimal contact given it's just not nice for immature slightly nasty men to pick on their children as they themselves are quite inadequate.

He did see a psychotherapist briefly which is how he realised his behaviour was linked to his childhood and he now uses this as an excuse. He can’t seem to realise that recognising the problem doesn’t mean he then has the go ahead to act like this, it’s the start of tackling it. It’s just the beginning. Then he stopped going! I think I’ll give him an ultimatum. He either goes back and works on himself or it’s over. I’m thinking it’s probably very hard for someone to change their entire personality though especially if he can’t even see it’s him that is the problem. I really feel like it’s pointless.
The problem is, if he only has dd part time will that make it better with her having to spend regular time with him alone? I guess she can always say no. Or maybe he’d make more effort as he’s not with her every day.

@Doubtfuldaphne sadly, some men do not know how to parent, especially if they themselves were not properly parented. they expect children to be mini adults and they expect their 13 year old daughter to also sit in the corner and just do what she is told when she is told to do. the dad is somewhat very selfish and is really not able to cope with looking after a 13 year old, bearing in mind that she is trying to assert her independence. she might have been better staying at home with you.

Yes I think this has put her off going anywhere without me and I did think he should’ve gone on this trip alone

So he has issues from his own childhood? So he knows how damaging abuse can be ? So he’s abusing his own daughter.

that’s like keying your own car.

He won’t be an adult or a proper parent. You need to get your girl away from him. She’s only 13 full of hormones. Poor love.

She's old enough to state her preference

What's the situation with your other DCs?