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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I the narcissist?

61 replies

Hanz1985 · 28/07/2024 08:33

Hi all,
Had a bit of an incident yesterday, I paid for the family to go to the cinema to start the holidays off. All was good, we all enjoyed the film or so I thought. As soon as we got out of the cinema doors my partner said he didn’t like the film it was shit. Ok, well not a nice thing to say it was a kids film mainly for them but ok.

Before the film my daughter asked for a five guys which I’d already said not today, maybe at the weekend (they’d already been fed at home btw) trying to not overspend atm as 6 weeks to get through yet lol. So we got outside and caught upto my partner who had been walking far ahead of us and had stopped. He said to my daughter ‘your mum said she’s going to take you for a five guys now.’ I said er I didn’t say that (I feel guilty now on my daughter who looked happy) I said but if you would like to go get the kids one then feel free. He said no, you said you were going to get one. I said sorry but I DIDNT say that. He started shouting at me (I can’t even remember what was being said) but everyone was walking past and staring at us, I felt really embarrassed and he’d stormed off again and left us while he went back to the car so we had to do the walk of shame miles behind him again.

Got home and he ignored me all night despite me trying to talk, told him I was going shopping, walked the dog, he just said fine without looking up at me. He made food without me. I ended up grabbing my pillows and sleeping downstairs after being ignored all night.

This morning he acted like nothing was wrong so I said are we just going to ignore what happened yesterday or can we talk about this? He said he didn’t have time but then proceeded to tell me he’d done nothing wrong. I said I was humiliated by him shouting at me in public, he said he didn’t shout but rolled his eyes like a naughty kids and said sorry IF I shouted.
He then said these articles keep coming up on his newsfeed about narcissists and I fit the description. I know his exes have said this about him, but it’s the first time I’ve been called one. Kind of hurtful as I don’t class myself as a selfish egotistical person. But maybe I just don’t see it. Obviously I told him I wasn’t, and I guessed I wouldn’t get a proper apology from him, he had a coffee he’d just made in his hand and jerked it toward me angrily like he wanted to throw it over me then walked off.

I don’t find the ‘jokes’ he makes funny, more cruel, he does things like that all the time but he says I’ve no sense of humour. I do have one, but what we find funny is completely different. I’m tired I guess and wonder if I’m in the wrong and uptight for not finding all of these things funny and not just moving on as he expects. Now because I didn’t just act like nothing happened yesterday it will probably drag on for days with him staying in the bedroom and me going about life on my own as normal.

OP posts:
trevthecat · 28/07/2024 08:36

The issue is him. Not you.

Mintypig · 28/07/2024 08:37

No , he is gaslighting you because he behaved like a child and is trying to ignore the fact he did. He was also gaslighting you into spending money on food you never agreed to. Tell him you keep getting articles on your phone about gaslighting - which is exactly what he is doing and tell him you won’t put up with this.
he sounds like a total arse, you might want to think about this relationship carefully.

Wish44 · 28/07/2024 08:37

You sound like a normal adult/parent. He sounds like an emotionally immature teenager.

do not let his narrative get to you. That sort of thing can have a drip drip effect on self esteem.

PorkPieForStarters · 28/07/2024 08:38

He sounds awful, you sound absolutely fine!

Headingtowardsdivorce · 28/07/2024 08:38

This was like reading a flashback of my life. As you can see from my username, I got fed up of being made to feel shit, when really it's him.

I have also been called a narcissist, even though, when I read up on it, it's him behaving like one.

My advice is to get out and find happiness. You may, like me, need to have some therapy first in order to recover enough self worth in order to take such a big step.

Hanz1985 · 28/07/2024 08:40

Sorry should have said *next weekend but I didn’t edit properly

OP posts:
cupcaske123 · 28/07/2024 08:41

The sulking is abusive and it sounds like he was in a crap mood and looking for an argument after the cinema. Telling you you're a narcissist and making nasty jokes are all emotionally abusive behaviour. I'm sure you've probably got many more examples.

Hennypen321 · 28/07/2024 08:44

You're not a narcissist.

Sorry you're going through this

mycatsanutter · 28/07/2024 08:49

Your behaviour is normal , his isn't . This is no way to live . Is he the father of the dc? Whose house do you live in ?

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 28/07/2024 08:52

“I know his exes have said this about him” is really all you need to know.
Another peachy boyfriend.

wafflesmgee · 28/07/2024 08:53

You've done nothing wrong. Everyone has a bad day, you could say, but his refusing to talk about it or acknowledge his terrible behaviour afterwards is very worrying.
Do you want your children to think his behaviour is normal? Because it is not. You are supposed to be on the same team, whereas what you have described sounds like you spend most of your life trying to please him/revolving around him. Which is exactly the dream of a narcissist.
From the outside, it reads that he was sulking because the film was for the kids and not him, then he deliberately spoiled it for the children and for you. The walking off thing, urgh, just horrible. I would've stopped chasing him and taken the kids to a meal/the library, he sounds very immature and controlling.
It's easy for me to say from the outside. I hope you are OK and am sending a handhold but you do need to think, do you want your own chuldren to choose partners like this? If not, you need to break up.

Otessa · 28/07/2024 08:55

This reminds me of my horrible abusive ex. He was constantly making cruel 'jokes' then accusing me of having no sense of humour when I got upset. He would never, ever admit he was wrong or own up to anything and would deny and gaslight constantly. He would shout and berate me regularly, including in front of other people. He accused me of being a narcissist, but the more I think about it now that I'm thankfully completely removed from the situation, it was him that was a extremely narcissistic person. He even jerked a kettle of just boiled water towards me once like he was going to pour it over me.

Sorry op. Just know you're not the one in the wrong.

sausawyee · 28/07/2024 09:04

Are the children his? You say " my daughter"

Hanz1985 · 28/07/2024 09:19

sausawyee · 28/07/2024 09:04

Are the children his? You say " my daughter"

No we don’t have children together, he has 1 and I have 2 children.

OP posts:
Hanz1985 · 28/07/2024 09:22

mycatsanutter · 28/07/2024 08:49

Your behaviour is normal , his isn't . This is no way to live . Is he the father of the dc? Whose house do you live in ?

No he isn’t her biological father and we share a house together.

OP posts:
Hanz1985 · 28/07/2024 09:25

wafflesmgee · 28/07/2024 08:53

You've done nothing wrong. Everyone has a bad day, you could say, but his refusing to talk about it or acknowledge his terrible behaviour afterwards is very worrying.
Do you want your children to think his behaviour is normal? Because it is not. You are supposed to be on the same team, whereas what you have described sounds like you spend most of your life trying to please him/revolving around him. Which is exactly the dream of a narcissist.
From the outside, it reads that he was sulking because the film was for the kids and not him, then he deliberately spoiled it for the children and for you. The walking off thing, urgh, just horrible. I would've stopped chasing him and taken the kids to a meal/the library, he sounds very immature and controlling.
It's easy for me to say from the outside. I hope you are OK and am sending a handhold but you do need to think, do you want your own chuldren to choose partners like this? If not, you need to break up.

No this is what I worry about, I don’t want them to think this is normal. That is true, we don’t feel like a team most of the time and I am also trying to keep him happy too which is harder than keeping the kids happy most of the time!

OP posts:
Blanca87 · 28/07/2024 09:30

Then you need to put your kids first. You can not keep exposing them to this toxic behaviour. If you feel his needs and feelings take precedence over your children, he needs to go.

Sugarsugarahhoneyhoney · 28/07/2024 09:31

The children are having to witness this behaviour! It is him that is the problem not you.

Hennypen321 · 28/07/2024 09:46

Otessa · 28/07/2024 08:55

This reminds me of my horrible abusive ex. He was constantly making cruel 'jokes' then accusing me of having no sense of humour when I got upset. He would never, ever admit he was wrong or own up to anything and would deny and gaslight constantly. He would shout and berate me regularly, including in front of other people. He accused me of being a narcissist, but the more I think about it now that I'm thankfully completely removed from the situation, it was him that was a extremely narcissistic person. He even jerked a kettle of just boiled water towards me once like he was going to pour it over me.

Sorry op. Just know you're not the one in the wrong.

This spoke to me, I'm still feeling under his control in a way due to gaslighting but this helps

Hennypen321 · 28/07/2024 09:48

Hanz1985 · 28/07/2024 08:40

Sorry should have said *next weekend but I didn’t edit properly

What was he like at the start of the relationship?

TangerinePlate · 28/07/2024 10:01

No you’re not. Your husband is a dick though.

He
spoilt your evening
upset you
upset your daughter
spoke to you like shit
gaslit you
shouted at you

all within 2-3 hours

You paid for the cinema. What does he bring to your relationship?

Split up with him. Remove yourself and your kids from toxic atmosphere he’s creating.

Relationship should be a pleasure not a chore.

redastherose · 28/07/2024 10:09

His actions indicate that he is the narcissistic one and not you. Narcissists believe that the world revolves around them and everyone else in it are just bit players in their life.

Their partner is just their to make their life better and to do that you have to do everything they want, have sex when they want in the way that they want, keep yourself fit and looking good, keep the house clean and tidy etc.

Their kids are not allowed to be themselves they just have to be there when they want to show other people that they are a good family man and the children can't have their own personalities they should be just there making them look like a good dad.

They will often say they love their kids and would do anything for them but what they actually mean is you will do the hard work and they'll take the credit.

They also DARVO the shit out of you, Deny, Attack, Reverse, Victim and Offender. So they weren't selfish and shitty, you were. They didn't act like a brat you did etc.

Gaslighting is a particularly fond tool of the average narcissist, they will say you said something and when you say you didn't they'll say you did, I heard you. You must have forgotten etc. it can really fuck with your mind.

They also almost never say sorry and if they do it's a 'Sorry but' so they only did the horrible thing because of something you did, said, thought!

Please seriously think about whether you want to waste any more if your and your kids lives with someone who acts like they don't even like you let alone love and care for you like a partner should.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 28/07/2024 10:19

From a fellow narcissist its not you. I was love bombed, gaslit, negged, everything was always my fault. He could never apologise for anything while doing a very dramatic its always my fault routine. I once asked him which dress I should wear for an important meal out. He straight off said the green one, you look amazing in the green. Then spent the next half hour telling me how awful I looked in the blue, how fat it made me look, how the colour did me no favours etc etc.

I only broke free eventually because he managed to embarrass me so much in front of all our friends that I can't go back. I can't face any of them. He keeps trying, I've had sort of threats that he'll stop saying mean things about me if I'll agree to be his friend but I won't because I know he'll just start love bombing me again.

This man deliberately upset your dd to punish you. You all deserve better than this asshole.

Blackeyedcat · 28/07/2024 13:25

Who the hell raises these bad mannered kids/ adults to grow up to be such dicks like your partner . I wonder how his parents brought him up ? Probably dragged up not brought up . He’s the one who’s wrong not you OP . He seems so childish and this would put me right off . His not acting like an adult he should be but more like one of your kids . 😣 OP you are totally normal and don’t ever think it’s your fault you have done nothing wrong and everything right in this situation.

Sunnydiary · 28/07/2024 13:31

You need to get away from this nasty piece of work and protect your DC.

What is your housing situation?