Am I the narcissist?

[Hanz1985]

Hi all,
Had a bit of an incident yesterday, I paid for the family to go to the cinema to start the holidays off. All was good, we all enjoyed the film or so I thought. As soon as we got out of the cinema doors my partner said he didn’t like the film it was shit. Ok, well not a nice thing to say it was a kids film mainly for them but ok.

Before the film my daughter asked for a five guys which I’d already said not today, maybe at the weekend (they’d already been fed at home btw) trying to not overspend atm as 6 weeks to get through yet lol. So we got outside and caught upto my partner who had been walking far ahead of us and had stopped. He said to my daughter ‘your mum said she’s going to take you for a five guys now.’ I said er I didn’t say that (I feel guilty now on my daughter who looked happy) I said but if you would like to go get the kids one then feel free. He said no, you said you were going to get one. I said sorry but I DIDNT say that. He started shouting at me (I can’t even remember what was being said) but everyone was walking past and staring at us, I felt really embarrassed and he’d stormed off again and left us while he went back to the car so we had to do the walk of shame miles behind him again.

Got home and he ignored me all night despite me trying to talk, told him I was going shopping, walked the dog, he just said fine without looking up at me. He made food without me. I ended up grabbing my pillows and sleeping downstairs after being ignored all night.

This morning he acted like nothing was wrong so I said are we just going to ignore what happened yesterday or can we talk about this? He said he didn’t have time but then proceeded to tell me he’d done nothing wrong. I said I was humiliated by him shouting at me in public, he said he didn’t shout but rolled his eyes like a naughty kids and said sorry IF I shouted.
He then said these articles keep coming up on his newsfeed about narcissists and I fit the description. I know his exes have said this about him, but it’s the first time I’ve been called one. Kind of hurtful as I don’t class myself as a selfish egotistical person. But maybe I just don’t see it. Obviously I told him I wasn’t, and I guessed I wouldn’t get a proper apology from him, he had a coffee he’d just made in his hand and jerked it toward me angrily like he wanted to throw it over me then walked off.

I don’t find the ‘jokes’ he makes funny, more cruel, he does things like that all the time but he says I’ve no sense of humour. I do have one, but what we find funny is completely different. I’m tired I guess and wonder if I’m in the wrong and uptight for not finding all of these things funny and not just moving on as he expects. Now because I didn’t just act like nothing happened yesterday it will probably drag on for days with him staying in the bedroom and me going about life on my own as normal.

It doesn’t sound like you’re the narcissist. Narcissist is an over used word but actually the behaviour you describe of your partner sounds like he does have narcissistic traits. He maybe willing to work on his behaviour if it means losing you; hope that’s the case.

Can you wait for a time when he's out of the house and then leave? And write him a note? It's a good thing you don't have kids together.

I know the word narcissist has been over and mis used alot recently, but that doesnt mean its defunkt.

Typical narcissistic behavoiur is to accuse thier victim of being one. To ignore, punish, humiliate and threaten.. to confuse and destabilise. To lie and gaslight. To be consistent in the abusive manipulation and leave the victim empty and questioning their own personality, integrity, intelligence and self worth.

The prolonged (sometimes well disguised sometimes blatant) toxic environment also cause their victims to develop physical and mental chronic illness.

Call a spade a spade and if any of this resonates. Run, get out, plan your exit, leave

Nobody deserves to be with a narcissist. If you fit that description, he'll be better off without you when you dump him.

Thank you. I have managed to build a wonderful life for myself in spite of it, but have endured a lot along the way, and have had a deep-seated hatred of myself for my whole adult life, which I have recently realised is actually his voice. I often wonder how things might have worked out for me - and for her, as she left too late and has struggled to find any way to be happy since - had she never met him or left sooner.

My mother had a child (my sister, who I love so very much) with her abuser, which made it harder for her to leave. Their church also intervened to engineer them back together in spite of the abuse. The OP does not share a child with her partner, so hopefully this makes it easier if she were to try to leave.

OP, you have my deepest sympathy for what you’re going through, but I urge you to do what my mother did or could not do, and put your daughter first.

Here for a handhold, OP I'm so sorry about abuse you are experiencing. Your post resonates so much with me, narcissist just ruin everything and twist reality to make it seem everything is your fault.

I’m so sorry for what you went through.

Your message has been playing on my mind all day.

I did try to leave a couple of years back after a disastrous holiday with friends, the kids weren’t there. I asked family if I could stay after briefly telling them about some of the abuse I’d received, they agreed I needed to leave but had no room for me to stay. I’ve been trying to get the means to leave since, we do go through good spells where it seems like everything will actually be ok. My youngest has additional needs and doesn’t cope well with change so I worry about leaving and the effect it might have. I’m actually in a place where I’m able to leave financially now, I need to weigh everything up.

Jokes are when everybody laughs, @Hanz1985— getting back to his “coffee throwing joke.”

And take it from a kid who suffered through her parent’s tumultuous relationship my entire childhood, you’re doing your children absolutely no favours by staying together “for the sake of the children.”
Indeed, staying with a verbally abusive partner is far more harmful to the children than leaving them.
I promise you. ❤️

This ^^^

Good luck with your decision OP.

All I want to say is that you deserve better, and so do your children. I know how hard it is to leave though, it took me too long and I regret it.

I’m sorry, I definitely don’t want to make you feel worse, and I totally understand that leaving is really logistically difficult- it was similar for my mum. There were spells when he wasn’t so awful, too - I don’t remember them well, but every time my mum would be on the verge of leaving he would act the perfect husband for as long as it took for the mask to slip. What I remember mostly is that when he was bullying me, I wished he would hit me, because then she would surely have to leave - but also being a bit scared that one day he would hurt me physically and she would still stay.

Your situation probably isn’t identical, I just wanted to give a warning of the irreparable harm of growing up in a home with this type of man dominating.