Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I the narcissist?

61 replies

Hanz1985 · 28/07/2024 08:33

Hi all,
Had a bit of an incident yesterday, I paid for the family to go to the cinema to start the holidays off. All was good, we all enjoyed the film or so I thought. As soon as we got out of the cinema doors my partner said he didn’t like the film it was shit. Ok, well not a nice thing to say it was a kids film mainly for them but ok.

Before the film my daughter asked for a five guys which I’d already said not today, maybe at the weekend (they’d already been fed at home btw) trying to not overspend atm as 6 weeks to get through yet lol. So we got outside and caught upto my partner who had been walking far ahead of us and had stopped. He said to my daughter ‘your mum said she’s going to take you for a five guys now.’ I said er I didn’t say that (I feel guilty now on my daughter who looked happy) I said but if you would like to go get the kids one then feel free. He said no, you said you were going to get one. I said sorry but I DIDNT say that. He started shouting at me (I can’t even remember what was being said) but everyone was walking past and staring at us, I felt really embarrassed and he’d stormed off again and left us while he went back to the car so we had to do the walk of shame miles behind him again.

Got home and he ignored me all night despite me trying to talk, told him I was going shopping, walked the dog, he just said fine without looking up at me. He made food without me. I ended up grabbing my pillows and sleeping downstairs after being ignored all night.

This morning he acted like nothing was wrong so I said are we just going to ignore what happened yesterday or can we talk about this? He said he didn’t have time but then proceeded to tell me he’d done nothing wrong. I said I was humiliated by him shouting at me in public, he said he didn’t shout but rolled his eyes like a naughty kids and said sorry IF I shouted.
He then said these articles keep coming up on his newsfeed about narcissists and I fit the description. I know his exes have said this about him, but it’s the first time I’ve been called one. Kind of hurtful as I don’t class myself as a selfish egotistical person. But maybe I just don’t see it. Obviously I told him I wasn’t, and I guessed I wouldn’t get a proper apology from him, he had a coffee he’d just made in his hand and jerked it toward me angrily like he wanted to throw it over me then walked off.

I don’t find the ‘jokes’ he makes funny, more cruel, he does things like that all the time but he says I’ve no sense of humour. I do have one, but what we find funny is completely different. I’m tired I guess and wonder if I’m in the wrong and uptight for not finding all of these things funny and not just moving on as he expects. Now because I didn’t just act like nothing happened yesterday it will probably drag on for days with him staying in the bedroom and me going about life on my own as normal.

OP posts:
yeesh · 28/07/2024 13:35

Why are you with him? He is an abusive piece of shit. Shouting at you in public is horrible but telling your daughter she could have the 5 guys was really cruel & manipulating. You really need to think about what you are teaching her by staying in this relationship. She will think this is normal and will be at risk of getting into a similar relationship when she’s older. Surely you want more for her and for yourself

BananaLambo · 28/07/2024 13:39

He’s projecting. It’s not you - it’s him. Cruel jokes at your expense, negging you, embarrassing you, gaslighting you, the silent treatment, ruining an activity you didn’t get to pick/aren’t the centre of attention at, are all classic narcissistic traits.

My ex did it to me. I had never even heard of narcissism before he told me I was one. Nobody had ever called me one before. I’ve never been called selfish, mean, rude, or precious before - nothing - until he did it. He turned out to be a narcissistic abusive arsehole.He won’t get better. He’ll probably get worse.

FlowerBee62 · 28/07/2024 13:50

The walking ahead of you thing is a typical narcissist red flag ,he behaved like a spoilt child and ruined what should have been a good day out for you and your children. Think carefully about this man ,he doesn't seem mature enough to be a step dad,and there could be jealousy surrounding you and your kids relationship, do not let him break that bond.

PaleSunshineOfHope · 28/07/2024 14:01

You don't sound like a narcissist. Your partner's behaviour was rude and inconsiderate. And narcissists don't generally wonder whether they are being narcissistic, they wouldn't think of it as being a possibility. For them, it's ALWAYS other people who are in the wrong.

labamba007 · 28/07/2024 15:51

Did he shower you with compliments and gifts at the beginning and then change? You did nothing wrong. And if his ex partners say the same thing about him that's telling. I bet he said it about you so he got there first!

tiggergoesbounce · 28/07/2024 16:13

He sounds awful. I refuse to be shouted at by anyone.
I grew up with a father who used to not talk to my mum if they had argued or just give grunt like responses. It is vile to be around and awful to be subjected to. It creates an awful atmosphere and I believe is a sign of abuse.

I would not put up with this behaviour- respect is key in a partnership and he is not showing you that.

Mmhmmn · 28/07/2024 16:17

There’s no smoke without fire OP. I mean this in relation to his exes saying he was a narc. His behaviour does sound like it. It is impossible to have a happy life with these people. They ruin everything, even things that don’t seem like they wouid be ruin-able.

Mmhmmn · 28/07/2024 16:20

BananaLambo · 28/07/2024 13:39

He’s projecting. It’s not you - it’s him. Cruel jokes at your expense, negging you, embarrassing you, gaslighting you, the silent treatment, ruining an activity you didn’t get to pick/aren’t the centre of attention at, are all classic narcissistic traits.

My ex did it to me. I had never even heard of narcissism before he told me I was one. Nobody had ever called me one before. I’ve never been called selfish, mean, rude, or precious before - nothing - until he did it. He turned out to be a narcissistic abusive arsehole.He won’t get better. He’ll probably get worse.

This, 100%. It’s very difficult to get rid of narcs so do it sooner rather than it later, and wholeheartedly.

Hanz1985 · 28/07/2024 16:43

Thanks for all of your replies. Yeah there have been quite a lot of instances where I’ve been pretty upset over something he’s said/done but I’m never allowed to bring it up, it has to be brushed under the carpet or I’m accused of dragging things on and being a miserable cow if I want to talk about it.

He was really complimentary in the beginning yes, and sent flowers to my work, which wasn’t the reason I was interested in him…it was how he made me feel. I’d never felt so happy and cared for before. But things just seem to be the opposite now, the kind words have been replaced with mean ones.

He’s been out all day but text saying this has to stop and I could have been out with him if I didn’t hate him. I’ve never shown any hatred! Just explained that he’s upset me and I can’t just move on like nothings happened because it suits him until next time. He doesn’t think he’s in the wrong.

OP posts:
Hanz1985 · 28/07/2024 16:49

BananaLambo · 28/07/2024 13:39

He’s projecting. It’s not you - it’s him. Cruel jokes at your expense, negging you, embarrassing you, gaslighting you, the silent treatment, ruining an activity you didn’t get to pick/aren’t the centre of attention at, are all classic narcissistic traits.

My ex did it to me. I had never even heard of narcissism before he told me I was one. Nobody had ever called me one before. I’ve never been called selfish, mean, rude, or precious before - nothing - until he did it. He turned out to be a narcissistic abusive arsehole.He won’t get better. He’ll probably get worse.

This all sounds very much like him, he has made some changes since we’ve been together which has made me stay, but it’s really exhausting being around him, I feel horrible saying that but I feel mentally drained after these interactions where we fall out, I feel tied up in knots with the words he uses and the names, it would either blow up massively if I were to argue back or I need to let a lot of it go over my head. I feel myself not getting as upset anymore over when these things happen, I worry I’m getting used to it and starting to see it as normal, I guess that’s why I wrote this post in the first place.

OP posts:
Sugarsugarahhoneyhoney · 28/07/2024 17:11

Hanz1985 · 28/07/2024 16:49

This all sounds very much like him, he has made some changes since we’ve been together which has made me stay, but it’s really exhausting being around him, I feel horrible saying that but I feel mentally drained after these interactions where we fall out, I feel tied up in knots with the words he uses and the names, it would either blow up massively if I were to argue back or I need to let a lot of it go over my head. I feel myself not getting as upset anymore over when these things happen, I worry I’m getting used to it and starting to see it as normal, I guess that’s why I wrote this post in the first place.

Do you really want your children growing up thinking that's normal

Loopytiles · 28/07/2024 17:15

His behaviour sounds like classic emotional abuser DARVO.

Get your DC out of there.

Hanz1985 · 28/07/2024 19:35

Loopytiles · 28/07/2024 17:15

His behaviour sounds like classic emotional abuser DARVO.

Get your DC out of there.

I’d never heard of this before but been reading up on it since it’s been mentioned here…it does sound exactly like what happens in my relationship

OP posts:
BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 28/07/2024 19:58

Hanz1985 · 28/07/2024 19:35

I’d never heard of this before but been reading up on it since it’s been mentioned here…it does sound exactly like what happens in my relationship

Its what happened in mine, still does, its only 3 weeks since I finally ended everything. He's prepared to forgive me for everything and carry on as if I never left. Me? I know he's bad for me but I do miss him, I just keep reminding myself that he didn't really make me happy, he had me walking on eggshells and I put all my energy into sucking up to him and making sure he was ok.

Word of warning when I did end things he had an accident and injured himself (previous time I tried to leave he thought he was having a heart attack). Yours will follow the script and something will happen but be warned and be strong its only an attempt to reel you back in. Good luck

Hanz1985 · 28/07/2024 20:33

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 28/07/2024 19:58

Its what happened in mine, still does, its only 3 weeks since I finally ended everything. He's prepared to forgive me for everything and carry on as if I never left. Me? I know he's bad for me but I do miss him, I just keep reminding myself that he didn't really make me happy, he had me walking on eggshells and I put all my energy into sucking up to him and making sure he was ok.

Word of warning when I did end things he had an accident and injured himself (previous time I tried to leave he thought he was having a heart attack). Yours will follow the script and something will happen but be warned and be strong its only an attempt to reel you back in. Good luck

Well done for leaving, that must have been so difficult for you and take a lot of strength to stay strong and not go back. Hopefully each day will get a little easier for you. I hope you’re doing ok?

Oh wow, yeah I expect something will happen, I mentioned leaving before one day when I’d had enough and he turned quite volatile…I can’t imagine a situation where he’d happily let me pack my things and leave.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 28/07/2024 20:49

That’s another huge red flag about him.

Blanca87 · 28/07/2024 21:17

and not once in your replies have you made ANY reference to your children’s experience of this shitshow of relationship. How do you think this relationship makes the children feel being exposed to a narcissist?

Hanz1985 · 28/07/2024 21:26

Blanca87 · 28/07/2024 21:17

and not once in your replies have you made ANY reference to your children’s experience of this shitshow of relationship. How do you think this relationship makes the children feel being exposed to a narcissist?

My original post was about my child’s experience of the relationship, I wanted to know if I was overreacting in finding what he said to her cruel or if I was being uptight like I’m told and made to feel? And the whole fall out has been because I have asked him to stop making these comments and involving the children but he doesn’t think he has done anything wrong.

OP posts:
LifeExperience · 28/07/2024 21:33

Why are you making your children live with this toxic mess of a man? They deserve better than this.

PussInBin20 · 28/07/2024 21:41

Just leave him - he sounds horrid.

Cuzcospoison · 28/07/2024 21:51

Please, let me tell you how this could end for your daughter.

My mother inflicted a stepdad like this on me. As I got older, he started to behave more and more cruelly towards me, and it has damaged me for life. He began shouting at her less and shouting at me more. Once, when they had briefly separated and she went back to him, he locked me in the car and screamed at me that I was the only thing about our family that ‘didn’t work’. She finally left him when I was in my early 20’s, but it was too late.

I’m in my mid-30’s now and struggling very badly to forgive her for allowing my childhood to be stolen from me. I love her and I want to forgive her, but it’s hard.

wafflesmgee · 29/07/2024 08:10

Cuzcospoison · 28/07/2024 21:51

Please, let me tell you how this could end for your daughter.

My mother inflicted a stepdad like this on me. As I got older, he started to behave more and more cruelly towards me, and it has damaged me for life. He began shouting at her less and shouting at me more. Once, when they had briefly separated and she went back to him, he locked me in the car and screamed at me that I was the only thing about our family that ‘didn’t work’. She finally left him when I was in my early 20’s, but it was too late.

I’m in my mid-30’s now and struggling very badly to forgive her for allowing my childhood to be stolen from me. I love her and I want to forgive her, but it’s hard.

I'm so sorry, massive hand hold and sympathy for you. That's awful

PeriIsKickingMyButt · 29/07/2024 08:13

Hanz1985 · 28/07/2024 21:26

My original post was about my child’s experience of the relationship, I wanted to know if I was overreacting in finding what he said to her cruel or if I was being uptight like I’m told and made to feel? And the whole fall out has been because I have asked him to stop making these comments and involving the children but he doesn’t think he has done anything wrong.

Right, but you know it's wrong so what are you going to do about it? Are you going to be a decent parent and lose this idiot from your children's lives or keep exposing them to him because you don't want to be alone?

Headingtowardsdivorce · 29/07/2024 08:23

How are things today OP?

FOJN · 29/07/2024 08:25

A narcissist never wonders if they are a narcissist, questioning if you are one usually means you're in a relationship with one.

As others have said it will get worse, it never gets better. You know deep down this man is more than just a flawed human having a bad day. Narcissists are toxic and very destructive. Leave now however hard it is, in 6 months you will be grateful you didn't stay and try to work on the relationship.

Don't attempt to discuss or resolve anything with him, it simply doesn't work with a narcissist, he will only use the opportunity to mess with your head. Understand that everything you thought about your relationship was based on a lie. Plan to leave, put everything in place to do it safely then just go and cut all contact.

Swipe left for the next trending thread