Should I buy a house with him? - advice

[Mossley]

Hey everyone

A bit of advice and wisdom from you sage like people needed.

I've been seeing someone for 15 months now, we get on really well, there's times when he's a little clingy and I've had to encourage him to maintain his friendships, (which I have done) but apart from that, it's a very gentle, laid back relationship with no drama - all good.

So we are at the point where we are talking about living together, we both have our own houses and both work and it makes sense given financially that times are tough, that we pool our resources and have greater financial freedom to do more things.

I don't have children, he's a widower with four grown up children all in their own relationships and houses etc. His children have been pretty welcoming to me, but that said we are getting distinct vibes around concerns over inheritance. i.e. I think they may be a bit put out that I'm on the scene and in a serious relationship with their dad and it potentially threatens their inheritance; although we've not mentioned buying together yet.

In order to buy a nice house and have greater financial freedom we need the equity from both houses. Whatever we buy, I will be putting in more equity (my house is worth more) and I'll be paying more of the bills (I earn more than him)

We have discussed making a will when we buy together, where if he dies first (he's older than me) than I stay in the house until I die and then his equity will go to his kids, but I'm feeling a bit uneasy about how watertight that would be and whether his children could place undue pressure on me to sell in order to get their hands on their dad's equity.

In truth, I'm beginning to get cold feet, I've always bought my own houses and been financially independent and although his children have been fine, he does have a difficult relationship with one of them, which makes me feel uneasy. Thoughts and advice gratefully appreciated.

Happened in my family and all was fine.

However stepmother did let the house go to rack and ruin which wasn't ideal

Also, was it their family home? That will bring up all sorts of emotions for the so buying new is definitely the way to go

What will happen if you die first?

If a solicitor draws is tall up for you it will be watertight. Get advice

I think you need proper legal advice. Aside from that, it's not just the kids you need to be concerned about. What if the relationship doesn't work out and then you have to sell the house and start over again? You've only been seeing each other 15 months and there seems to be too much uncertainty in your mind at this point. Not saying put the idea off the table permanently but maybe at least give it more time until you're as certain as you can be.

If it is a joint property surely you would be entitled to leave some of ur share to others when u pass away?

You paying most of the bills while his kids sniff around for his money doesn’t sound fun to be honest

If you're starting to get cold feet, then I'd trust your gut if I was you.

I really wouldn't do this. Keep your finances separate and enjoy the relationship. Particularly because you have more to lose.

Who will be responsible for the maintenance of his share of the house in the event he dies first?

What about if you die first?

No, I'd prefer to live separately I actually think it's the best way to live, listen to your gut.

15 months is nothing, not enough to make such a huge financial commitment either.

Rent your own properties out, and rent together.

If you’re getting cold feet it’s because something feels off to you. Even if you can’t put your finger on what it is, listen to your instincts.

This.

I wouldn't risk my own financial security and a major asset for someone that I'd only been with for 15months.

Can you live together in one house and rent the other property for a period of time? Agree what is fair in terms of financial contribution to bills and living costs but keep your own houses/mortgages.

If you go ahead you need solid legal and financial advice to protect what is yours in the event that the relationship doesn't work out.

Also, when one of you dies, what about if the surviving partner meets someone else?

You don’t necessarily need to give up on the idea, but you do need to have clear communication between you on what happens in the event of either of your deaths and then get that verified with legal advice and put into a contract. He then needs to have a open and frank conversation with his adult children to ensure they know what to expect.

How old are you both?

When are you both planning to retire?

What’s the difference in both of your earnings?

Are you planning to leave your estate to anyone?

Trust your gut yes.
Rent together and rent out your other houses. Don't buy and risk all you've achieved after 15 months.

If you worried enough post on here then probably your gut instinct is telling something.

15 months isn’t that long, you are still in the honeymoon period.

I wouldn't if I were you.

I think your subconscious is screaming at you to not do this!

There's absolutely no need to merge finances. Keep them separate and just enjoy the relationship. Don't feel pressured into doing anything that makes you uncomfortable.

If you want to do this you buy as tenants in common and you have a % share. This covers if you divorce and when one dies. As you have mentioned you in a will give a life tenancy to the other if you so wish. It's legal. In this you will stipulate exactly how this goes - eg no one else to move in, house not to be used for another purchase, who pays for what regarding maintenance. It's all very simple and no what ifs if it is legally drawn up.

No don't do this
In your situation, things can get extremely complicated further down the line
15 months is also too soon to even be thinking of this
Stay as you are and keep hold of your asset
You can still spend time at each others places.

Am I right in thinking that you haven't actually lived together yet? Don't even consider buying a house with someone without living with them first - that's a no-brainer.

Move into one of your houses and rent out the other one.

And don't subsidise him - I am all for combined finances and 'family money', but in your situation separate finances makes sense.

As above, 15 months is too soon. You are getting cold feet for a reason, don't ignore the feeling. I would not be giving up my financial independence if I were in your situation.

Absolutely this.

Please don't do this. I'm the adult child in this situation and it's a nightmare when your parent dies which mine did five years ago. Stepfather has dementia and no family and because he can't look after himself I have to. Can't look after the house or himself but won't let me sell it to pay for care and I can't do anything about it. It's terrible.

No. Don 't give your money to any man. His loyalty will be to his children, not to you.

I've been seeing someone for 15 months now,

HELL NO. ABSOLUTELY FECKING NOT!!!

You don't get to know a person properly until after a couple of years.
You don't get to know a person properly until you have lived with them.

I repeat. HELL NO. Don't blend finances so tightly until you've lived in the same house for a couple of years. Do that first.

If you're only at the stage where you're considering moving in together for the first time, please don't jump straight in and buy. That's putting a massive amount of pressure on forcing the relationship to work. Rent for a year and see how it goes. You know the expression 'if you want to know me come live with me'.