Should I buy a house with him? - advice

[Mossley]

Hey everyone

A bit of advice and wisdom from you sage like people needed.

I've been seeing someone for 15 months now, we get on really well, there's times when he's a little clingy and I've had to encourage him to maintain his friendships, (which I have done) but apart from that, it's a very gentle, laid back relationship with no drama - all good.

So we are at the point where we are talking about living together, we both have our own houses and both work and it makes sense given financially that times are tough, that we pool our resources and have greater financial freedom to do more things.

I don't have children, he's a widower with four grown up children all in their own relationships and houses etc. His children have been pretty welcoming to me, but that said we are getting distinct vibes around concerns over inheritance. i.e. I think they may be a bit put out that I'm on the scene and in a serious relationship with their dad and it potentially threatens their inheritance; although we've not mentioned buying together yet.

In order to buy a nice house and have greater financial freedom we need the equity from both houses. Whatever we buy, I will be putting in more equity (my house is worth more) and I'll be paying more of the bills (I earn more than him)

We have discussed making a will when we buy together, where if he dies first (he's older than me) than I stay in the house until I die and then his equity will go to his kids, but I'm feeling a bit uneasy about how watertight that would be and whether his children could place undue pressure on me to sell in order to get their hands on their dad's equity.

In truth, I'm beginning to get cold feet, I've always bought my own houses and been financially independent and although his children have been fine, he does have a difficult relationship with one of them, which makes me feel uneasy. Thoughts and advice gratefully appreciated.

I would avoid. Enjoy your freedom and freedom of choice.

What if one of his children's relationships broke down and they wanted to move in "temporarily"?

Its seems like the fun has been taken out of your getting your own place together !
If it makes more sense but you’re getting cold feet then something is giving you doubt. I’m sure you know things change when you move in with each other too. This is a difficult one !

No, you both put in 50/50 towards a house, it's lovely that your home is worth more than his but you do not need nor want to subsidise a grown adult.

same with every day expenses / bills, 50/50 each, it's not your fault nor responsibility if you earn more.

you don't even live together and you already mention he is clingy - gosh what will he be like if you live together ?

15 months is nothing, nothing at all.

who thought up the idea of buying a house together ?

does his wife's will leave her 50% of their house to their children upon her or his death ? with him having a lifetime occupancy.
that is something to consider...
as these 4 adult children might want their 50% if he sells up...

In your shoes, I would not do this. Even if he's the love of your life, there's no need to blend your finances & complicate your lives. I'd be walking on egg shells all the time around his children, wanting to justify myself then resenting the feeling that I want to justify myself! It just wouldn't be a peaceful life, there'd always be quite a big deal in the back of my mind.

No-one should buy a property with someone they have been dating for just over a year. Especially if they have never lived together before.

Live together for a couple of years to see how it works out before making financial ties to each other.

• One of you rents their house out and moves into the other’s home.
• Rent out both your houses and rent a new place together.

My exMIL remarried in her 60s to a very wealthy man. She kept her house (empty) and moved in with him. They had 15 good years, both retired, multiple holidays etc, he also funded a complete renovation of her house, bit by bit: new kitchen, new bathrooms, furniture, paintings etc. She had no claim on his assets, everything went to his children, bar his considerable pension. When he passed away, she moved into her own house, only took what they bought together, mainly from their travels, she vacated the house within a week.

Would a similar setup work for you?

I would start with moving in together on one of your house whilst renting the other.

It would solidify whether living together is a good idea or not. You would also benefit from lower living cost etc….
And it would keep your finances still separate which is a good idea atm (both before you are getting cold feet and because it will give you time to assess what ‘living together’ would mean financially).

Fwiw I’m not sure why you feel you’d need a much bigger place than either of you have (so you’d need the equity of both houses). And I’m unconfortable about you automatically paying more when the house won’t be fully in your name iyswim.
eg you need to put a new kitchen in.
The house is 60% yours, 40% his but you are putting 80% of the cost of the new kitchen.

@BuddhaAtSea it could be a nice organisation.

But I’m 😱😱 at expecting someone, who has just lost their partner, should move out of their house within a week tbh.
That, to me, is cruel.
So is the idea that the only thing there was in the house from ther ‘together’ time was stuff from their travels. She must have felt like a spare part/a visitor, never truly part of the family, all that time…

It's about a lot more than the property, where you can take steps to secure your share - but not your credit rating if he's a wrong 'un.
He is older than you - what are his retirement prospects? If very little, will you need to pay for everything?
When is he planning on retiring? How will you feel working on and on while he does not?
What if one of you becomes ill, and cannot work or contribute?
What if he just decides you have enough, and he will not contribute?
What if one of his kids decides to return 'home'?
It's not as if you are kids with nothing much to lose, you are putting everything you have done so far at risk if you share with him, or anyone.
I like the idea that someone up thread had of each renting out your houses, and then renting together, but be aware that rental laws are changing.

I think this is a good idea in theory but the practicalities need to be thought carefully about.

My best mate shares ownership of a house with her stepmother. She's retired and living on a pension so all the maintenance responsibility falls on my friend including the cost. So she's maintaining and financing a house she has no right to until her stepmother dies and it's such a pain.
She just wants to sell it but she can't.

I'd be reluctant to get into that type of arrangement with adult step kids who you have no shared history.

I think I'd prefer a clause that the house is sold upon his death but ensuring housing you and you getting your share back is the priority.

Yes, it was the family home so there is emotional attachment to it which I think will cause some issues. If I die first, I'd leave the house to my partner but my life insurance I would give to my niece, she's a primary care teacher in London struggling to make ends meet, so I'd make some provision for her.

Thanks for the advice.

I have thought about that, I guess I'd have to be prepared for it, half his home and he'd have to help out, but it's a good point - thank you.

Yes, I need to think in the event of my death what would happen to my equity in the house.

If you have to ask you’re not ready to do this. If you do just get legal advice about a robust will that protects both your interests

It could do, we have discussed leaving or even renting one house out, so could possible work and be an easier solution.

They lost their partner over fours ago, they want to move on with their life. Meeting each other was quite unexpected, I've been single for 6 years, both of us weren't actively looking for a relationship, it just happened.

If I died first, I'd leave the house to him but give my life insurance pay outs to family.

Yes, I would need to think about where my equity would go if I died.

You are completely right and thank you for the advice. We are both older, partner is in their sixties, I'm in my fifties. I earn almost double what they do, but I'm thinking in another few years when I hit 60 of reducing my hours to part time and cashing in my private pension. My partner has a very small pension and so again, I think I would be subsiding some of the bills (but currently he does pay his way and is generous, he is mortgage free, I still have a small mortgage).

That's really helpful - thanks, I'll look into that.

My partner more or less lives with me, he seldom stays at his own house, we haven't combined our finances yet we just share the costs of going out, holidays etc.

I'm so sorry to hear that, that must be difficult for you. Some years ago I took a big demotion in my job to take a home based role so I could look after my mother who had dementia, it was a very difficult time and I never completely got my career back on track afterwards. Hope you get some support. x

My partner more or less lives with me, he seldom stays at his own house, we haven't combined our finances yet we just share the costs of going out, holidays etc.

And there it is.
Your bills will have risen, while his have lowered. Please tell us you don'y buy all the food?
Does he contribute to your bills at all?

This.

Please ignore the naysayers. If you want to move in, do it. Strangers on the internet have no idea how things are and I would move in with someone after 15 months if I felt it the right thing to do. None of this too soon stuff.

ex wife and I moved in after 6m and lasted 22 years so it can work.

get legal advice for all eventuality- like illness, death etc. not a great thing to think about. It if he dies in 3 years time and you live for another 30 that would upset kids re inheritance. Be open with them too, so that they see they are not getting stitched up.