Should I buy a house with him? - advice

[Mossley]

Hey everyone

A bit of advice and wisdom from you sage like people needed.

I've been seeing someone for 15 months now, we get on really well, there's times when he's a little clingy and I've had to encourage him to maintain his friendships, (which I have done) but apart from that, it's a very gentle, laid back relationship with no drama - all good.

So we are at the point where we are talking about living together, we both have our own houses and both work and it makes sense given financially that times are tough, that we pool our resources and have greater financial freedom to do more things.

I don't have children, he's a widower with four grown up children all in their own relationships and houses etc. His children have been pretty welcoming to me, but that said we are getting distinct vibes around concerns over inheritance. i.e. I think they may be a bit put out that I'm on the scene and in a serious relationship with their dad and it potentially threatens their inheritance; although we've not mentioned buying together yet.

In order to buy a nice house and have greater financial freedom we need the equity from both houses. Whatever we buy, I will be putting in more equity (my house is worth more) and I'll be paying more of the bills (I earn more than him)

We have discussed making a will when we buy together, where if he dies first (he's older than me) than I stay in the house until I die and then his equity will go to his kids, but I'm feeling a bit uneasy about how watertight that would be and whether his children could place undue pressure on me to sell in order to get their hands on their dad's equity.

In truth, I'm beginning to get cold feet, I've always bought my own houses and been financially independent and although his children have been fine, he does have a difficult relationship with one of them, which makes me feel uneasy. Thoughts and advice gratefully appreciated.

I will be putting in more equity (my house is worth more)

I'll be paying more of the bills (I earn more than him)

If I die first, I'd leave the house to my partner

I earn almost double what they do

cashing in my private pension. My partner has a very small pension

I think I would be subsiding some of the bills

My partner more or less lives with me, he seldom stays at his own house

Ive been seeing someone for 15 months now, partner is in their sixties, I'm in my fifties.
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Oh OP..... what's that saying? A fool and their money are soon parted. He saw you coming didn't he.

If you go ahead with buying together, whilst it is important to make a will - you know a will can be changed any time right? So he could amend his will at any time to say whatever he likes, and you’ll only find out about it when he dies.

Make sure you buy as tenants in common, and get a watertight legal agreement which reflects exactly how much each party is putting in, how much each party is contributing to the maintenance and upkeep of the property, and in the event that you split or one of you dies the share of equity should be split proportionally too.

It's complicated re step children - one of our family members died suddenly a while ago and step mum gave grown up step daughter hell. Not what her father wouid have wanted at all.

If I were in this situation, I'd want my children to inherit all my estate on my death.

Live together if you wish, but I'd keep your own separate places, even if you live in one and rent out the other. Then you both have security for your own futures and his children will get their inheritance when their father dies.

Personally, after living with someone for over 30 years, I couldn't see myself combining homes with someone else again. I'd rather visit, date and holiday with them but keep my own space!

He can sell his house & give what's left at the end of his life to his kids.
He can move in to Your house & pay you half the bills & proper rent.
You don't need a bigger nicer house, He just wants MORE, in fact he already has MORE.
Please don't do this

Oh no don't!

It's 15 months! If you do want to rent out one house and move into the other. See how you both get along.

If you do buy together you'd need to be tenant in common and have all sorts of legal documentation which isn't cheap.

Yep the wording had got my alarm bells ringing as well.

OP why do you need a bigger better more expensive house at your time of life? With no dependants for either of you it makes no sense.
I get his kids probably don’t want their family home sold over a woman who’s been around a little over a year.

Why not rent his house out and both live on yours with him paying a proper contribution obviously. You’ll be saving money and far less complications down the road

Nooooooo, at least try him moving into your house, renting out his, and splitting the bills equally for a year or two before taking it any further. You don’t need a bigger house and you don’t need to take on more than 50% of the bills. Apart from all the other red flags above the clinginess which is mildly annoying could develop into something more controlling so I’d not put both feet in the pond yet just in case it didn’t work out.

‘She must have felt like a spare part/a visitor, never truly part of the family, all that time…’

this would suit some people down to the ground!

If you need to ask a question like this in a public forum then the answer is probably ‘no’.

Could you rent your house out and still live with him or similar, keeping finances separate?

Personally I wouldn’t ever have joint finances with anyone unless absolutely essential (shared kids/ can’t afford a house alone) but that’s just me being weird.

OP, you would want to be out of your mind to walk into such a potential mess.
He's living at yours off you and you will subsidise him even more if you do this.

He has children that are suspicious of you.

There is NOTHING in this for you except stress, annoyance and regret if you join finances.
Do not be so silly at your age to draw such a tangle upon yourself.

Keep your finances separate.

You describe your relationship as "seeing someone", it's only been 15 months. I would avoid tying yourself to him financially so early on, especially as you describe him as clingy and you're getting cold feet.

Keep your independence, it sounds very much like you'd regret it a year or two down the road.

Give it 3 years before tying yourself financially to this person. 15 months is still the honeymoon period. If it feels off don't do it

I couldn't see myself combining homes with someone else again. I'd rather visit, date and holiday with them but keep my own space!

Me too.

15 months.

take a step back, take your emotions out of this. What would you think if a friend said that to you.

you know it’s far too soon

What vibes are you getting re inheritance concerns?

He's only in his 60's so hopefully would be a while yet before there's any inheritance and care home fees could eat into that anyway.....

A pp has said it's very easy to have it written up what % has been put in but when it comes to bills etc you really shouldn't be subsidising that without some acknowledgment - he needs to be making it clear to his family that you are the breadwinner not some kind of gold digger.

And that whilst the value of the house is protected from an inheritance point of view, this is as much about him being able to enjoy his life and if these vibes manifest they could well find that changing.

Re your life insurance plans - there will come a time when you won't have this is place when you retire / mortgage paid off?

Lots to consider here - and it's still early days!