Argument with partner, am I wrong?

[Rainbow03]

I’m having such a difficult time with my partner lately. He seems to have no understanding or regard for my feelings.

This morning I’ve said can you take the toddler for a bit so I can get all the clothes packed for myself and 2 kids for holiday next week. He said why can’t you have done that in the week. I said because I’ve waited till the washing was all done and you are home and oldest is away this weekend to do it. I’ve had a hard week. My mum is unwell so looked after her, my oldest is challenging with ADHD, the youngest climbs all over me and I can do nothing when she is awake. I’ve had loads to do in her nap times and I suffer M.E and this week I’ve been exhausted. I just wanted him to take toddler and give me an hour so I had a clear head to pack.

He takes the toddler goes into the bedroom shuts the door throws his clothes in a suitcase and comes out smug and smiling and says see it’s not hard to pack with a toddler. In the meantime she’s pulled the room apart and he’s just left it and gone downstairs. I don’t think he gives a shit about my feelings. All he had to do was say yeah sure.

Your partner is an asshole.

He always seems to try and prove me wrong for what I ask.

Tell him to clean up the mess.

Don't touch it yourself. Make him do it.

@Josette77 I’ve done it already. It’s not the problem it’s just why he behaves like this that is. I didn’t see a problem in what I asked for.

You and he need to be apart going forward. He's treating you, and in turn your children, abysmally.

Get packed abd leave for good @Rainbow03

Is it really that bad? I think he is autistic and is just not capable of understanding others feelings at all. His mum is the same. He hoards and collects lots of stuff for example.

It’s possible to be autistic and not be a cunt

“Not capable of understanding other’s feelings at all” is a huge fucking problem, whatever the reason. Does he want to understand others’ feelings? Can be somewhat learned, autism or no. Doesn’t give a shit and doesn’t want to try? LTB.

Have you got the finances to split?

@BunsenBurnerBaby I’ve no idea. His mum is the same, I keep my distance from her. I’m wondering if maybe he hasn’t fallen too far from the tree.

So many men seem to operate on a point scoring system where they 'win' if they argue their way out of anything they don't want to do. But they never do a proper tally of the overall impact on their partner, and how neglected and uncared for they feel.

I'm sorry, OP. It's just shit.

He lives at mine but it’s my name and he has his own home he rents out now.

Exactly. His behaviour isn't because of Autism. He might be Autistic and an arsehole. But then he's acting this way because he's an arsehole. I know a lot of Autistic people, we have a family full of them, all the kids, ND friends, they're all normal caring people with lots of empathy. None of them behave like this. Hes chosing to treat you this way, there's no excuse for his behaviour. He's showing you loud and clear he doesn't care about you or your needs. It's a hard thing to face, especially when your sick and struggling.

He behaves like this because he’s an arsehole - that’s who he is

My ex got more and more like his father as he got older. He turned into a bullying, angry man. Nurture, genetics, who knows. The cause doesn't really matter because the behaviour will never change and it will just escalate and hurt you more and more as time goes on.

I think my feelings get in the way for him. He doesn’t see why I have them and they aren’t the same as his. He wants to do what he wants and I get in his way. It is becoming a massive problem in the relationship. I sometimes feel like I’m stupid for feeling the way I do.

You don't have to do anything today, or tomorrow... but you can start planning for a better life for yourself and your children.

I’ve noticed a certain kind of relationship with his brother and his wife. Her purpose is to enable her husband, she’s very timid and anxious. I feel that’s how his mum sees relationships, she thinks we as partners are to enable her children to be the best. I didn’t think he was like this but as time has gone on he definitely thinks his practical needs are more important than my stupid emotional needs. We clash all the time as I believe emotional needs come before almost anything. If they are met we are all safe.

I have ME too @Rainbow03 . And it’s shit. Anything takes up so much more energy than it does for a ‘normal’ person.

Does he actually ever take that into account? Does he support you/takes things off your plate as any caring partner would for their loved one when they are ill?
Or is he expecting you to function like anyone else?

Because as someone with ME who got progressively worse, I had to learn the hard way that carrying in the same way as before, pushing myself all the time is what lead me from being mild and able to work to being severe and needing dh to be my carer.
And from your description, it sounds like your dh is adding work in your plate (eg the mess made by the toddler that YOU cleaned up) rather than helping you.

Xpost
Adding to say that in that particular case, your emotional needs of having a break were just the expression of your very physical need of rest and getting burnt out from doing it all.

Read this back. That's a gold standard arsehole right there. It's not autism, it's the fact he's horrible. He is treating you badly because he can. Let me guess....the holiday will be his, you will do the childcare, the cleaning and if self catering.... All the cooking. If you ask him to do anything it'll be a tantrum so you won't even bother. And, even though you will do all that, he'll only make comments re what you aren't doing or what you haven't done to make you feel as though you still aren't good enough for him to treat nicely.

I think people become more … themselves as they get older. The truth will out. My H is ASD and I need to do most of the emotional work. It’s exhausting and it winds me up. But he also genuinely works at being better and is open to hearing my POV and that makes a big difference. I think looking at his mum — and how he views her — will tell you a lot. You are not being even slightly unreasonable here, BTW.

It's a big part of the problem

I think perhaps it is the more stress they are under and the more challenges. He expects people to behave the same way all the time, no deviation, like a robot. I’m not a robot!!!!!! When I retaliate and tell him this isn’t on he flounces off in a big huff, he will never apologise.

Perfect. Time to kick him out. Have a long, hard think of what you need to do after the holiday such as check for any benefits you could have and starting the cms.

Did you know that stress can exacerbate ME and other auto immune conditions? So staying with him could be making you more ill, which will make you think you have to stay with him for childcare help. You don't.