Argument with partner, am I wrong?

[Rainbow03]

I’m having such a difficult time with my partner lately. He seems to have no understanding or regard for my feelings.

This morning I’ve said can you take the toddler for a bit so I can get all the clothes packed for myself and 2 kids for holiday next week. He said why can’t you have done that in the week. I said because I’ve waited till the washing was all done and you are home and oldest is away this weekend to do it. I’ve had a hard week. My mum is unwell so looked after her, my oldest is challenging with ADHD, the youngest climbs all over me and I can do nothing when she is awake. I’ve had loads to do in her nap times and I suffer M.E and this week I’ve been exhausted. I just wanted him to take toddler and give me an hour so I had a clear head to pack.

He takes the toddler goes into the bedroom shuts the door throws his clothes in a suitcase and comes out smug and smiling and says see it’s not hard to pack with a toddler. In the meantime she’s pulled the room apart and he’s just left it and gone downstairs. I don’t think he gives a shit about my feelings. All he had to do was say yeah sure.

This

I wonder deep down if he just doesn’t value me and what I do. I’m lesser.

Why are you blaming his mom? He's a grown man. I hate how woman gets all the blame for men's behavior.

He isn't supportive and you are unhappy. It's time to move on. Your child deserves better.

Absolutely this. OP - STOP IT

You're making excuse after excuse and tying yourself in knots trying to analyse his every action rather than accept he’s a nasty twat

He feels like he needs to prove you’re wrong and he is right as a defence mechanism.
It’s true for anyone, autism or not. One way to cope with being told you’re doing something wrong is to prove to the other person they are wrong. And they are always right if course. It’s always someone else fault.

Look at the Drama Triangle.
From what you say he is always either a victim or a persecutor. Crying that he has done things wrong again or telling you you’re out of line and it’s all your fault.
And as it is often the case, you are falling until the rescuer mode, helping him because he can’t help it/it’s autism etc….
And I’m not saying some if it isn’t linked to his autism. But playing the victim or the persecutor isn’t.
And you dont have to fall into the rescuer mode either.

Also, if he isn’t able to or doesn’t want to take your feelings and your needs into account, is that a viable relationship?

I dint think you’ll ever know why he acts like this. But in some ways, it doesn’t matter. What matters is how he is making you feel.
And just right now, it’s making you feel lesser than. It’s making you feel like your feelings aren’t valid and don’t count. It’s making you feel like a hindrance to him - he wanted to do X and you stopped him.
Regardless of why he is acting like this, it’s not ok for you to live a life where you are always coming second. Where your needs are never taken into account.

You need to start protecting yourself.

@DullFanFiction Ive noticed every time I say something like I didn't like that that you did or said he will immediately say well you do this and this. He never accepts anything. He never apologises or takes any accountability. I had never really noticed until recently. He isn’t that special he can’t do wrong things. He is very defensive against any form of criticism and I know that this can be part of autism.

Even if he does have autism in spades, it’s still not right to treat you so poorly.

No it’s absolutely not. I actually have ADHD diagnosed and I’ve put in an awful lot of work. I think maybe too much and I’m being overly accommodating.

He has said that my actions are overly emotional and I second guess myself all the time.

Stop wondering and give him his marching orders!

Don't you think your lives would be calmer and you'd be happier if he was gone?

NB: I note he lives at yours and rents out his own property..... please tell me he isn't a cocklodger...

No he’s absolutely fine about money and pays.

Sorry @Rainbow03 he is not changing his behaviour any time soon.

I honestly think he will grind you down until you've got nothing left.

For the sake of your own health, tell him to leave. He can go back to his mum until he can get his tenants to leave his house.

So what if you are emotional? It's ok to have emotions and be emotional. What's not ok is to dismiss and belittle a partner.

If he wants a robot for a girlfriend then you are clearly not the right person for him. If you want someone who supports you and makes you happy then clearly he is not the right man for you.

He is very defensive against any form of criticism and I know that this can be part of autism.

It can well be.
But that doesn’t mean you should accept it. It just means you 100% know it will never change.

Accommodation around a disability has limits. And you’re allowed to say that you dont want to be treated like crap. Or that the relationship doesn’t meet your needs. Regardless of the reasons why

He can’t even say sorry and mean it. He is so stuck in having be right he can’t put himself in my shoes for one minute. TBH he is pissing me off and I’ve told him I don’t think we work together.

OP you need to read Zawn Williams on Substack. It's a blog called Liberating Motherhood. It's a revelation, believe me. Get out of this relationship asap. Good luck. 💐

I just end up kind of hating myself. Hating being unwell even though I’ve no control over it, hating having emotions and feelings. I was neglected as a child and I get so sick of never being cheered on and supported despite having this stupid illness. I don’t think I’m in the wrong because I can’t help the way I feel. I feel never good enough.

I honestly don’t think he’s doing it on purpose but as people have said it doesn’t really matter, it has a similar momentum. Invalidating my feelings is invalidating me and all my experiences. He should be joining me in protecting me and supporting me from all the things that cause upset. We should be doing that for each other.

Why did you clean it up?

Why are you wondering! Of course he doesn’t value you. Even his charming excuses are covert brags about how great he is.

You are a person describing an animal:

Its big, looks like a cat the size of a horse, has enormous claws, its quite scary with enormous fangs and a long lashing tail. Oh snd its stripey a and seems to kill and eat its prey after toying with them.

Is it a bunny? Its a bunny, isn’t it?

No love you are describing a tiger. Stop ignoring reality and your intuition.

Your life sounds absolutely sad, lonely and miserable.
He is a huge part of that.
I wonder what your health would be like if you didn't have the awful stress of him in it.
He sounds really awful.

How can you even think you are wrong???

Asking for time to pack uninterrupted isn't about feelings, putting clothes away and cleaning up isn't about feelings either, all of which someone with autism is more than capable of doing. Stop making excuses for him, he's rude, aggressive, lazy and an arsehole. Not because he's autistic, but because he's rude, aggressive, lazy and an arse hole

Very gently @Rainbow03 , you feel you are never good enough because he is constantly telling you you are not good enough.
Maybe he doesn’t say it that way but when he quickly shoves stuff in a suitcase whilst leaving the toddler alone and says ‘Look, it wasn’t that hard was it’, that’s is exactly what he is doing.

You are saying that you were neglected as a child. It sounds like you’ve replicated that 😢😢

And if you are anything like me, you’re beating yourself up re the ME because ‘why can’t do I <insert what should be an easy task>?’

I agree with PP, he is making your life a misery.
He is dragging you down emotionally.
He is dragging you down health wise too (by adding to your work - see you cleaning the mess)
And the worse you feel ME wise, the harder it will be to cope emotionally with his attacks.