Argument with partner, am I wrong?

[Rainbow03]

I’m having such a difficult time with my partner lately. He seems to have no understanding or regard for my feelings.

This morning I’ve said can you take the toddler for a bit so I can get all the clothes packed for myself and 2 kids for holiday next week. He said why can’t you have done that in the week. I said because I’ve waited till the washing was all done and you are home and oldest is away this weekend to do it. I’ve had a hard week. My mum is unwell so looked after her, my oldest is challenging with ADHD, the youngest climbs all over me and I can do nothing when she is awake. I’ve had loads to do in her nap times and I suffer M.E and this week I’ve been exhausted. I just wanted him to take toddler and give me an hour so I had a clear head to pack.

He takes the toddler goes into the bedroom shuts the door throws his clothes in a suitcase and comes out smug and smiling and says see it’s not hard to pack with a toddler. In the meantime she’s pulled the room apart and he’s just left it and gone downstairs. I don’t think he gives a shit about my feelings. All he had to do was say yeah sure.

I’d like to understand the reasoning in needing to prove me wrong in what I was asking for or needing?

You'll never get any of the answers you seek from him, OP, it is probable that he ins't even fully aware of what he is doing. The trick is to start not to care, and to pull away emotionally.

Chuck him out and claim child maintenance. It isn't going to get any better.

Get rid OP
He’ll never understand your feelings. It’s a waste of time trying to reason with people like him.

It will be easier and less frustrating on your own. I’d bin the holiday off most likely too. Sounds like it will be all the hard work for you. And rest for him.

💐

It will be all the hard work emotionally. He will do the physical work or the stuff that he deems important. He’ll huff and puff if it’s something I need and it’s not jointly needed.

Im sad because I really thought he was different but he’s just like him mum.

Google free download of Lundy Bancroft's Why does he do that? It is very illuminating.

Short answers though - because he can OR because it's another abuse tactic. But mostly because he can. It really is that simple (and soul destroying).

Does he feel better about himself? Being able to look after one kid for 30 mins without the stress of doing it day after day with 2 kids and with no M.E????

No idea. You would have to get yourself into the mind of an abuser to really understand and that is something I am unable to do. Bottom line it's twisted, it's controlling, it's about winning at all costs, it's about making sure others are squashed beneath them, it's about bullying, it's about nastiness, it's about cruelty.

But for whatever reason he is doing it, the result is the same. You losing self confidence, lacking self worth, confused, upset, stressed, getting more ill, having less money, less energy, you giving up until you feel dead inside . You think I'm exaggerating? Just read any thread in the relationship board.

He's a prick op

He's not autistic, he's abusive. If I were you, OP, I'd start figuring out what I needed to be financially and practically sorted, and disengage from him emotionally. Leave if you can.

Autistic my arse. Your partner is a selfish little princeling who knows exactly how he makes you feel. He just doesn’t care.

How awful.

I can't imagine a man being nasty enough to resent looking after his own child for an hour to give his wife some time to concentrate and pack stuff for a family holiday!

His attitude stinks and his callousness isn't likely to improve.

Your workload at home would lessen if he weren't there and you'd get a break when he has the children.

I don't think he cares about you or even lives you.

No I’m not sure he really sees me at all. It is sad.

I’m not sure if I’d say he was abusive. I’d definitely say he was very immature and has no emotional awareness or much empathy. I’m more concerned on why he felt the need to prove me wrong in my request, we aren’t 8, I’m 41 and he’s 35. His mum has done a poor job.

Does it matter why? Surely what matters is the toll it's taking on you. He is not going to change, you will never understand why, so you have two choices. Either put up with his nastiness or make plans to leave. That is it. You have the power to decide so which do you choose - life of pain and uncertainty or a life of happiness and freedom?

He’s gone to work and I’ve asked him the question what this morning was all about. I’m interested in his response. I’ve got a feeling his mum is in his ear telling him I’m too emotional for him and manipulating him. She has never liked me, I’ve never been good enough or should I say “not like us” is how she words it.

He wasn't trying to prove you wrong though, he was belittling you and punishing you for asking him to do something he didn't want to do. You aren't going to convince him, he's not going to suddenly realise his behaviour is hurtful. He's not nice. In fact, he's horrible.

Oh for god’s sake. Yes it is that bad. It doesn’t matter why he treats you like shit. The fact of the matter is he does treat you like shit. He goes out of his way to fuck you over. This is so not ok. Get therapy for why you can not understand the plain implication of his treatment of you.

Do you think your lives would be calmer and you'd be happier if he was gone?

"I’m not sure if I’d say he was abusive. I’d definitely say he was very immature and has no emotional awareness or much empathy. I’m more concerned on why he felt the need to prove me wrong in my request, we aren’t 8, I’m 41 and he’s 35. His mum has done a poor job".

What is your definition of abuse?.

He does not give a shiny shit about you, all he cares about is getting his own needs met. And NOTHING about him suggests autism either; that only further shows your own poor understanding of what autism is. He is truly the lowest of the low and his mother is of a similar bent. He is no partner to you; he's just a user and a leech.

Abuse is not just physical solely and can take many forms. Its about power and control and he targeted you because you have some health conditions. He is truly the lowest of the low and his mother is of a similar nature. The rotten apple that is he did not fall far from the rotten tree. How can you be helped into ridding yourself of this man?. A man who is hellbent on making your life a misery.

He's a fully grown man so stop blaming his mum for his shitty behaviour, it's just another way for us all to blame women for men behaving like dicks.

Yes, his mum probably is horrible too but you aren't in a relationship with his mum.... Stop focusing on her.

Focus on the fact you are in a relationship with a man who is "not capable of understanding other people's feelings at all" and who "wants to do what he wants and you get in his way".

He is absolutely abusive. What he's done this morning is fucking disgusting and anyone with experience of such an arsehole can see it, feel it and know it immediately.

No I don’t think he wanted to help this morning, he had something else he wanted to do that was more important “to him”. He didn’t think about me or my needs. He has replied to my msg that he was just showing how he can multitask. I don’t care about whether he can multitask or not. I’m ill and need support. He has basically denied getting shitty.

Great, you'll be able to chuck him out easily.

He said he gets the job done practically and that’s how he views things. So yeah he got the job done this morning and stomped all over my feelings in doing so without any idea. He literally has no idea.

Stop making excuses for him--it's autism, it's his mum. No it's not. It's HIM. Every time he ridicules and demeans you, it is HIM. He's a dick with little to no regard for your feelings.Act accordingly.