Partner of 6 years just told me he values his mother's opinion over mine

[Trina2244]

Hi everyone,

Just looking for some feedback, thoughts and ideas on how to navigate this.

I've just come home from a very rare date night with my fiancé and partner of 6 years. I'm currently 8 months pregnant and we've already got a 3yr old.

Whilst chatting over dinner convo drifted to discussing our respective parents and our relationships with them. Fiancé was reflecting and said "I will always ask for my mum's opinion first before anyone else, even before yours". This was in relation to any big issues and difficulties he might face in life/work etc. Tbh, I was quite shocked.

I didn't really respond in the moment as it felt like a bit of a slap in the face and totally caught me off guard. I didn't realize he was doing that/thought that way. I want to address it tmw, but want to have some perspective. In my mind it seems unfair to hold her opinion above mine when we have built a life together and have a family, a home etc. This is not how I pictured my standing, so to speak, in my fiance's eyes.

Thoughts on whether this is normal, if I'm unreasonably shocked, how to approach the conversation tmw without being unfair or overreacting.

I would have raised it tonight but after we got home from dinner he went out to meet friends for drinks.

Feel pretty rotten, felt like the night ended on a bit of a sour note when it should have been an enjoyable evening together.

You went out on a date night and he then went out to meet up with friends?

How much influence has his mum had so far in your lives?

I should tell him to to fuck off back to his mummy then when he comes back from his boozy night with his mates.
I realise with a young child and imminent baby this is probably unrealistic though.

How on earth is a very rare date night followed by him fucking off to meet his friends?!?!

I'm going to guess he's a Northerner.

I get what pps are saying, but I'd just give him practical scenarios.

Eg. Baby wakes up in the night needing feeding? Better call your mum, then. Night,, night <roll over>

Are you going to tell him how deeply unsexy a Mummy’s Boy is?

A woman I work with told me her husband visits his mum every day, they live nearby and its for no reason other than to pop in. They seem happily married but I know it pisses her off!

I’ve actually never had this conversation with my partner but am I the only person in the whole world who doesn’t think what he feels is unreasonable? Oh god…

No OP this should not the norm in a relationship. He is an adult, not a child. You are his partner and his primary relationship should be with you.

He puts his mother's opinion before yours, he goes off to meet his pals when it is supposed to be a date night with you.

He is putting you in your place and for him you don't seem to rate very high in the pecking order.

I think you really need to have a conversation with him about the value he places on your relationship.

@RexKwando many women see their mum’s on a regular basis especially if they live nearby. Is that wrong? And they don’t normally get called a derogatory term.

As long as it doesn’t hugely impinge on your life it shouldn’t be a problem.

In the OP’s life her partner’s reliance on his mum’s opinion rather than her’s will impinge on her life. But again many women turn to their mum for advice possibly in preference to their partner

Tell him you had a think about his priorities and decided to ask your mum (mumsnet) instead of talking to him, who thinks he's a prick and should pack his bags. If he values his mother's opinion on your shared life so much, he should go live with her.

Seriously though, that's not normal. You have two children (one incoming) together and he's still a mummy's boy who puts her opinion over yours, you deserve more respect than that.

I'd tell him it's somewhat concerning and it took you aback when he said it, but from now on, you'll be discussing big issues with your mum/dad/sister/brother before you discuss them with him.

That gives a sense of balance and your family will always have your best interests at heart.

Tbh with you, my DH isn't the first person I discuss big issues with, but I wouldn't tell him that, as that spigot be hurtful, especially the way your fiancé said it. Him telling you that il and thinking of wouldn't be hurtful is the bigger issue.

I usually discuss issues with my sisters first.

@SandyY2K why are you telling the OP that she should tell her partner that it is concerning when you talk to family before your DH? Why is it different for women?

Surely a huge amount depends on the context of his life and mother. From what you've written this sounds like an enormous compliment to his mother's wisdom rather than a put down of yours.

If he has grown up with her as a reliable, constant, wise source of advice why wouldn't he turn to her? It doesn't imply he has no value in you or that he will run to his mother at every opportunity, just that he truly values her. What's wrong with that?

@crumblingschools

Because he should have more common sense than to say it to her the way he did.

I'd never tell my DH I valued the opinion of my sisters over his. You don't do that to sone your care about.

He didn't say he respects her opinion more, just that he generally talks to her first.
I'm guessing he feels very safe with his mum. Unless you think they're overly close, is it a problem? Did you feel excluded before he said what he said last night.
Does he talk to you about these kinds of issues anyway? Maybe he wants an initial sounding board before worrying you about potential change?
Just gently, you've extrapolated what he said into a lack of respect for you and it doesn't necessarily come across as that being his intention.
I will also add (with there benefit of many more years of life experience) that a partner who dumps some of his mental load elsewhere, rather than bringing it all home to his partner, can be something to cherish 😉

@SandyY2K but it’s a bit hypocritical when you actually value your sisters’ over your DH. Not exactly being truthful. Why don’t you value your DH’s opinion?

I don't think there is anything wrong with him valuing his mother's opinion. Ultimately he knows that she loves him unconditionally and she might have supported and guided him well in the past. I think we all need people in our lives apart from our partners or spouses to seek advice and guidance.

I think he was a bit stupid to say "even above you". He is making it seem like a competition and it's not.

Would you like your children to always feel, even in adulthood that you are someone they always want to come to for advice and guidance?

I didn’t think it’s a massive problem unless she’s got odd opinions! But I hugely value my mum’s thoughts on things as she’s a wise woman. I take OH’s opinions into account fully when deciding anything for the family but for some things, I’d still go to my mum first. Often it turns out better for everyone - I’m a bit hotheaded whilst she has a way of calmly looking at things from all sides that’s really helpful. OH is more like me

Well, I'm quite old, and there are a few subjects I can think of where I may possibly have a little more knowledge and/or experience than many women young enough to be my daughters - financial management, home improvements, teenagers, history, literature, how to efficiently cook Christmas dinner...

However, it definitely was bad form of him to say what he said out loud. As for going out for drinks with friends on a date night...... bloody hell!

💯 agree with this ^^
I'm proud that my sons ask me for advice, I've lived longer than them so have more life experience. However I'd never dream of giving them an opinion on their partners, and I would never interfere. More often than not I give them the female perspective and that's a positive ✨️ (Admittedly woe betide any girl who doesn't treat them right, but that's a whole different thread).

@crumblingschools Today 01:06

but it’s a bit hypocritical when you actually value your sisters’ over your DH. Not exactly being truthful. Why don’t you value your DH’s opinion?

I value his opinion on certain things that's he's more experienced in. Like if I was to want to buy a piece of tech, like a computer, or anything that was his area of expertise. He's fantasic in doing research on purchases of technical stuff or household appliances.

Where it comes to something like a career change for example, I wouldn't speak to him first, as he's not the best support in that area and would just say to do what I wanted and probably focus more on the money.

My sisters would spend more time on a deep dive. If I had a business idea, I'd easier discuss it with my siblings as that's not DHs thing. For example, my brother has run his own businesses and is more savvy in that regard.

DH is better with tangible stuff, not so much feelings and emotions. I notice it with our kids (now over 18).. they'll go to him more for practical stuff, but they come to me for anything about their studies, jobs and emotional support etc

I accept that we all have different strengths and have no issue with it. I'll usually tell him when I've decided what I'm going to do.

I don't see the value or what is expect to achieve by telling him, i go to my siblings before him on these issues.. I wouldn't highlight areas that I feel are weaknesses, when he has many positive qualities.

Yeah he doesn't go out drinking too often, I'd say twice a month? Although I will admit going out after a "date night" felt particularly poor form. Something else to discuss haha.

His mum is a very strong personality and has a "I know what's right" mentality which she has really enforced with him and his siblings. At times I think it is a bit unhealthy and I think in ways it has kept him somewhat dependent on her mentally as he struggles to feel confident with his own decisions. However, I'd thought he went to her primarily for business advice (they're in the same field), not everything else.

I will note, she doesn't ever try to control my actions/thoughts in the way she does with him and is always outwardly respectful toward me. However there was one occasion recently where we cancelled dinner plans (on the day) with another couple who are family friends and she called multiple times to tell him we had to go as it was disrespectful not to. For context I was having a really tough day with the pregnancy and had a really long day at work and was just shattered. She didn't speak to me directly, but I ended up having to say via a family WhatsApp that I didn't feel well enough to go, in order to stop her pushing him. So I suppose sometimes her pushy behaviour with him does start to impact on me. But I wouldn't say it's a massive thing.

@Jumblebum

I think he was a bit stupid to say "even above you". He is making it seem like a competition and it's not

💯% spot on.

This is what I said is the real issue. Not him speaking to his mum first, but the even above you

That's pretty dense of him and lacking in both common sense and emotional intelligence.

Depends on the context. My middle son often phones me with his girlfriend to ask my opinion. I know he values my opinion because he tells me. He does the same with dh. It sounded like a compliment to his mum rather than a dig at you?

I don’t just blow bubbles up his arse either. If he rang me for an opinion on whether he should meet mates for a drink after a date night with his pregnant wife I’d tell him absolutely not.

if he rang me for advice on kids I’d always think of what was best for the child.

My MIL would have caused chaos if dh had asked her opinion though - she is very opinionated, very angry if you do something different & dh can do no wrong. So depends on the context.