Partner of 6 years just told me he values his mother's opinion over mine

[Trina2244]

Hi everyone,

Just looking for some feedback, thoughts and ideas on how to navigate this.

I've just come home from a very rare date night with my fiancé and partner of 6 years. I'm currently 8 months pregnant and we've already got a 3yr old.

Whilst chatting over dinner convo drifted to discussing our respective parents and our relationships with them. Fiancé was reflecting and said "I will always ask for my mum's opinion first before anyone else, even before yours". This was in relation to any big issues and difficulties he might face in life/work etc. Tbh, I was quite shocked.

I didn't really respond in the moment as it felt like a bit of a slap in the face and totally caught me off guard. I didn't realize he was doing that/thought that way. I want to address it tmw, but want to have some perspective. In my mind it seems unfair to hold her opinion above mine when we have built a life together and have a family, a home etc. This is not how I pictured my standing, so to speak, in my fiance's eyes.

Thoughts on whether this is normal, if I'm unreasonably shocked, how to approach the conversation tmw without being unfair or overreacting.

I would have raised it tonight but after we got home from dinner he went out to meet friends for drinks.

Feel pretty rotten, felt like the night ended on a bit of a sour note when it should have been an enjoyable evening together.

The problem I would have with that is that as you are a family, any issues that he has to face in life/ work affect you too. So discussing them with anyone before you is wrong. If she is knowledgeable about his issues fair enough. But if if goes to her with everything he is ever concerned about he does sound like a mummies boy.

If his respects her opinion over yours regardless of her expertise, then that would be his primary relationship and I’m not sure what that makes you- his baby maker / minder. Certainly not his equal partner.

Men who don’t cut the apron strings when they commit to a partner never will. If he was to agree that he should, he’d probably just hide that he hadn’t.

It’s a shame he waited until after you had children to tell you this. I imagine if you’d known before you would have left them to it and found someone who valued you and your opinions

I think many men do this, just most sensible ones wouldn’t admit it to their partners.

It could be worse. My cousin’s husband calls his mum every day, and talks to her for at least half an hour!

It’s okay to discuss things with parents, but does the parents views outrank yours? For example, if you suggest going to Greece on holiday, or paint your kitchen yellow, and his parents say it’s a bad idea, who does he side with?

Also, does he tell them everything?

I agree, I’d be miffed as well, though.

Ah bless, she’d learned a new word.

No, I agree. He may feel his mum’s advice is more balanced or insightful than OP’s. Some people are good listeners and intuitive, others less so. Nothing to do with how you are related/connected

I suspect there are many women who would take their mum’s opinion before their partner's, and no one would bat an eyelid.

This is a post I made on a thread a couple of days ago. I think it I'd pertinent here.

One thiIng I have noticed on MN, is the different attitude taken if a woman is very close to her parents. Warm, close, living in each other's pockets between a woman, her family and her parents is encouraged and celebrated.
There was a thread recently about a woman being so involved with her mother and sister. Her husband wanted to move and start again because he felt so insignificant in their relationship. Every single poster told her to stay near her mother. I can link the thread. Again and again there is the notion on MN that the ideal is to live near the female partner's family.
You hardly ever read about a Mummy's girl on here but there are so many more of them in real life. Amongst your friends are there more women living near their mothers than near their husband's family?
MN is hugely supportive of the maternal family.
There are so many calls on here for men to be more empathetic and emotionally open. For them to be more involved in family life. From an early age, men are told that being involved with their birth families is to be sneered at. They are Mummy's boys and they are enmeshed with their birth families. Yet it is bound to have an effect on many men, close family relationships are sneered at or forbidden by so many women, particularly on MN.
The relationship you describe is unusual but it would be very typical between a SIL, her mother and her children.Few people would object to it on MN. It is expected and normalised.

Very well put @Grapesichord

I have a fantastic relationship with my son, a very close bond. I’ve always given him the freedom to be who he is but he knows I’ll be his backstop till my last breath. He wouldn’t tolerate his birth family playing second fiddle and has chosen a wonderful well balanced partner.

There was another thread recently asking how men can be become more emotionally open. There is certainly a belief on MN that a man should not be allowed to be close to his parents.
A favourite term of abuse for men on MN is 'Mummy's Boy', followed by the claim that any man having any kind of warm loving relationship with their parents ( or sisters, MN also hates SILS) makes their vagina close up. It is MN at its worst.
There is a lot of statistical evidence that women find it hard to embrace a non biological female relationship within a marriage. So many posts full of hatred towards MILS, SILS and step daughters. It is not healthy, it is not fair on men. It is often really nasty. It is evidence of the massive misogyny directed at women by other women. Sadly it is a common feature of MN.
Famously one thread on MN had as its thread title 'All SILS are bitches'. Another recent one invited posters to share nasty stories about their MILS. It is so common to disguise misogynistic hatred of other women as MIL, SIL, Stepdaughter moaning. It is far, far more widespread than men being too close to their parents.

@Wwhatnow how many women do that with their mums, and would that be frowned upon.

Since my DF died I phone my DM daily. They don’t impact my time with DH and if he knows I have chatted to her, he asks how she is. He has no problem with me chatting to her, in the same way I don’t mind him phoning his mum, although he tends to speak to her weekly but for a longer time

If the subject was gardening, then I'm with your DP.

Any other subject, no way.

He is weird.

I very much agree with this. And your other post.

I am always struck by how so surprised so many posters are when a dil comes and says that her mil (cause it’s rarely moaning about fil) spends far much more time with her own daughter and kids. Than there’s.

It’s not surprising when the men who are involved are called mummy’s boys and other derogatory terms for being close to their mother. In most circumstances, before dil came along, it was likely that the mil was already closer to her daughter as that’s how their adult relationships evolved. with the adult son being less close so he wasn’t labelled in such manner.

Whilst, I can believe there nightmare Mils and Mils who aren’t intere

Unconscious misogyny.

No me too.

His mum has been there his entire life and he completely trusts her judgement

That doesnt mean he doesnt trusr his partners either

So many insecure folk here

I very often ask my mums opinion before speaking to my husband so it wouldn't bother me if he was doing the same. I think its a bit unhealthy for people to only talk to each other about things in a marriage/partnership. It's good to talk to others that care too.

I hate men being described as mummy's boys in such a derogatory way, because they're close to their mums and respect their opinions.
At the same time I see loads of posts on Mumsnet where women say they only want daughters because apparently sons aren't close to their families when they grow up.
It's all a load of nonsense. When men are close to their mums, many women seem to despise it.

I think a lot of the resentment of men being close with mums stems from different opinions and men that won't tell mum to butt out when needed. In my experience women are more likely to tell their mums when they've overstepped. I think women also blame MILs for failings they see in their partners.

My Ex-H wouldn't say boo to his mum for fear of upsetting her - it wasn't ever over anything major either, things like not attending a dinner because other plans were already in place. Or telling her not to do something with DD out of safety (think small ornaments and choking hazards), it would always be left to me. She waited on them hand and foot as children and young adults and as a result did create a spoiled entitled man child. Ironically he didn't even like her that much, just didn't want to deal with the upset.

DP on the other hand is very close to his mum and stepdad, calls a couple times a week and we usually have them over for a couple hours on a weekend. But, he is quite happy to jump in and tell her firmly if she's being too pushy about the way to do something or plans or whatever with the kids. He also said the other day when discussing a new job that I'm the only person who he would talk about that stuff with because I'm the one who's impacted.

Sure me and MIL clash occasionally on how things should be done, but we also have a good relationship outside of DP and if asked she tends to agree with me over him!

🤣 idiot

Exactly @PrincessHoneysuckle
The other racist suggestion is that the man who is close to his mother must be Italian. Being racist is fine according to some MN posters if it involves abusing older women.

Sad case happening to a my friend's son. He is youngish, in his twenties, his girlfriend older, in her mid thirties. She was desperate for a baby and they were having trouble conceiving . His parents paid for ivf. She got pregnant and was overjoyed to be having a girl. She made it clear that she had to move back to her hometown to be near her mother to help with childcare. His parents gave them the deposit for a house there. After the baby was born, her mother moved in to help with childcare. Her boyfriend was marginalised and she told him to move out for a while. He went home to live with his parents, a hundred odd miles away. He is still paying the mortgage, she is not working. She makes it very hard for him to see his daughter. He is allowed to visit once a week. Their daughter is now eighteen months old. She declared that she would be given a Mescher order to stay in the house until her daughter becomes an adult.
It clearly will not be allowed by the courts. They are not married and their daughter is very young.
He is suicidal and desperate. She and her mother are living in the family home and are gatekeeping access to the daughter.
Amongst my friends I know a number of women who made it a condition of settling down that they move near her family. It is very very common. No cries of Mummy's girl when this happens. I know lots of women who run most things by their mothers before making decisions. I know women who have confided the news of their pregnancy to their mothers before their husbands. Nobody calls them a Mummy's girl.
Cries of Mummy's boy on MN is misogynistic and controlling. It is deeply sexist and should be outlawed.

I have found the reflections on unconscious misogyny really interesting, thanks everyone. I do think this has to do with sex and gender roles too. There's like an unspoken rule that a couple are a unit and should work as one, but that's not really practical. I certainly go to both my parents for advice, but I do prioritise my partner's thoughts for big things because it directly impacts him and I, not our in laws. This post has been in reference to big decisions, not the small everyday stuff.

However, I do honestly feel that if I'd said to my partner "I'll always go to my dad first for important advice, including before you" that it wouldn't have sat well at all with him, more so than if I'd said I go to my mum. And if he'd said he goes to his dad first, I don't think I'd have felt as sidelined. If I went to my dad for big decisions I imagine it would have felt like my fiancés role was being usurped in some way. It's made me think about how I discuss my view of my parents with him. And it's made me realise he too might have felt something similar in the past. My dad is an amazing man who can fix and make pretty much anything needed in a household (engineer by trade) and I've often lamented that my partner (am office worker) doesn't know how to check his cars tyre pressure, how to fix a squeaking door etc. So I do all of those tasks in our house, with my dad advising me. And I'd never really considered what that might feel like for my partner. But my guess, from these discussions, is that it doesn't feel good for him.

Yes it's defo a DH/DP problem, I have a similar relationship with my partner. It's getting to point where I no longer feel like we are a couple and it's him and his mum against me. It's not good, I've recently told him this and how I feel about it all, will things change 🤔.

For context he talks to his mother/father every day, some days for hours alone. I have no idea what is being said and what they can discuss for so long. Whereas I see my parents once a week with child for an hour after school once a week during term time, whereby we have no real meaningful conversation as have to look after child. I rarely speak to my parents over the phone as I am looking after the young child/family home/dog.

Jings another thread about roughly the same thing but jings the other poster sounded bloody deranged you just sound hurt .well honestly sometimes my son discusses things with me to get an idea on how yo put it across to his wife because a man of tact he ain't..but only about himself never under any circumstances about his wife's private business .the love is different equal but different. He just sounds like a bit tactless. But the going out with friends after dinner date .that I think if unacceptable I would tell my boys that as well .sometimes being a mummy's boy you get a flea in your ear as well