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Original poster

Partner of 6 years just told me he values his mother's opinion over mine

73 replies

Trina2244 · 27/07/2024 00:17

Hi everyone,

Just looking for some feedback, thoughts and ideas on how to navigate this.

I've just come home from a very rare date night with my fiancé and partner of 6 years. I'm currently 8 months pregnant and we've already got a 3yr old.

Whilst chatting over dinner convo drifted to discussing our respective parents and our relationships with them. Fiancé was reflecting and said "I will always ask for my mum's opinion first before anyone else, even before yours". This was in relation to any big issues and difficulties he might face in life/work etc. Tbh, I was quite shocked.

I didn't really respond in the moment as it felt like a bit of a slap in the face and totally caught me off guard. I didn't realize he was doing that/thought that way. I want to address it tmw, but want to have some perspective. In my mind it seems unfair to hold her opinion above mine when we have built a life together and have a family, a home etc. This is not how I pictured my standing, so to speak, in my fiance's eyes.

Thoughts on whether this is normal, if I'm unreasonably shocked, how to approach the conversation tmw without being unfair or overreacting.

I would have raised it tonight but after we got home from dinner he went out to meet friends for drinks.

Feel pretty rotten, felt like the night ended on a bit of a sour note when it should have been an enjoyable evening together.

OP posts:
Waterboatlass · 27/07/2024 07:32

I don't get family enmeshment personally but some people have closer relationships than I do.

I think there's a slight distinction between asking and taking advice. If he ASKS his mum's advice as part of a trusted panel on big decisions, but then weighs up, mulls over, goes through with you that's a bit different than if he gives it undue weight or is expected to take it.

I'd let him know it's lovely they have a close relationship but there's nothing sexy about apron strings. Terrible wording from him, bloody hell.

AppleCream · 27/07/2024 07:49

It's deeds and not words that matter here. It was a weird thing to say, but if you feel that he respects you and values your opinion, then that's the important thing I think. For example with parenting - can you think of a time when you disagreed with him and/or his mum regarding something affecting your 3yo? What was the eventual outcome?

Summerose · 27/07/2024 08:44

RexKwando · 27/07/2024 00:41

A woman I work with told me her husband visits his mum every day, they live nearby and its for no reason other than to pop in. They seem happily married but I know it pisses her off!

Show quote history

Why do people use "Mummy's boy" to put down men who love their mothers? Surely, it's a good thing.

Whereas women who live their dads are positively called "Daddy's girls". I don't get it.

Dweetfidilove · 27/07/2024 08:57

Hmmmm, the only thing he's done wrong is perhaps to blurt it out.

Actually, a night out with the boys after date night is probably the most unsexy thing going on here.

If his mom is a sensible woman who gives wise counsel, why not? Are you ideas and values in alignment with his, or do you disagree on a lot?
Nothing wrong with loving and valuing his mom's opinions, unless she's causing problems in your relationship. Plenty wrong with saying it out loud, but verbal diarrhoea seems to be a common condition.

eryuod · 27/07/2024 09:01

I bet it wouldn't be uncommon for a woman to say this about her mother. You've only been together 6 years, his mum will have been supporting him all his life. He was probably daft to say it, but not to think it.

goingdownfighting · 27/07/2024 09:06

I would separate the fact that it is his mother from the 'even above you' that's what would bother me. He quite clearly put you in your place. What you do about that is up to you. You can accept it, or every time he asks you your ooonion, tell him to ask his mother.

ShouldhavebeencalledAppollo · 27/07/2024 09:07

Did he say he values her opinion more or will ask her first?

Thats 2 different things. My mum always taught me that asking peoples opinions forms mean you have to do what they say. Get many opinions then make your own decision.

Asking her first isn’t the same as valuing more. People usually ask the person they know is more likely to agree with them first.

The problem is if he values hers opinion, in everything, more than yours. It’s not a competition. I get work advice, he would value hers more as she has more knowledge that you. But opinions on day to day family issues, why would hers get more value?

OhamIreally · 27/07/2024 09:14

crumblingschools · 27/07/2024 00:46

@RexKwando many women see their mum’s on a regular basis especially if they live nearby. Is that wrong? And they don’t normally get called a derogatory term.

As long as it doesn’t hugely impinge on your life it shouldn’t be a problem.

In the OP’s life her partner’s reliance on his mum’s opinion rather than her’s will impinge on her life. But again many women turn to their mum for advice possibly in preference to their partner

Is calling someone a Northerner a derogatory term now? Although clearly it's meant to be in this context.

hildabaker · 27/07/2024 09:15

I used to have a mummy's boy partner like this, it became intolerable.

Kocduw · 27/07/2024 09:20

RexKwando · 27/07/2024 00:34

I'm going to guess he's a Northerner.

What's that got to do with the price of fish?

crumblingschools · 27/07/2024 09:21

@OhamIreally it’s mummy’s boy that I was referring to as a derogatory term.

Very rarely do women get criticised for being in regular contact with their mum, but a man can’t do similar with his mum without being called a mummy’s boy.

FloydPink · 27/07/2024 11:44

Seeing as his mum will be a constant in his life and always be there, I dont see an issue. When you see threads on here with people saying to leave the relationship after very minor things (like watching GoT) it shows how fragile a relationship can be, even a marriage.

I did put my ex wife before my mum as that was for life, so I thought. When that ended I realised that family will always be there and GFs wont be.

sunflowrsngunpowdr · 27/07/2024 22:55

TowerStork · 27/07/2024 01:02

Surely a huge amount depends on the context of his life and mother. From what you've written this sounds like an enormous compliment to his mother's wisdom rather than a put down of yours.

If he has grown up with her as a reliable, constant, wise source of advice why wouldn't he turn to her? It doesn't imply he has no value in you or that he will run to his mother at every opportunity, just that he truly values her. What's wrong with that?

This x 1000

Capeprimrose · 27/07/2024 23:21

It would give me the Ick.
Mummy's boys are so not attractive.
He may value his mothers opinion but stating it badly like that is moronic and really dim.

Dim Mummy's boys are icky.

I doubt many men would like their wife saying they value their dads opinion over theirs.

Feeling the need to say this indicates he has very low emotional intelligence.

Spelling out to your sexual partner that mummy know best is not attractive.

It's not about the value he places on his mothers opinion, its that he is so dim in the manner in which he tells his partner his mummy is of greater value than her opinion wise.

user906532 · 27/07/2024 23:52

Dim Mummy's boys are icky.

But grown women saying "icky" are sex on legs.

pikkumyy77 · 28/07/2024 00:05

Trina2244 · 27/07/2024 03:03

Yeah he doesn't go out drinking too often, I'd say twice a month? Although I will admit going out after a "date night" felt particularly poor form. Something else to discuss haha.

His mum is a very strong personality and has a "I know what's right" mentality which she has really enforced with him and his siblings. At times I think it is a bit unhealthy and I think in ways it has kept him somewhat dependent on her mentally as he struggles to feel confident with his own decisions. However, I'd thought he went to her primarily for business advice (they're in the same field), not everything else.

I will note, she doesn't ever try to control my actions/thoughts in the way she does with him and is always outwardly respectful toward me. However there was one occasion recently where we cancelled dinner plans (on the day) with another couple who are family friends and she called multiple times to tell him we had to go as it was disrespectful not to. For context I was having a really tough day with the pregnancy and had a really long day at work and was just shattered. She didn't speak to me directly, but I ended up having to say via a family WhatsApp that I didn't feel well enough to go, in order to stop her pushing him. So I suppose sometimes her pushy behaviour with him does start to impact on me. But I wouldn't say it's a massive thing.

Show quote history

This is very bad. They are enmeshed and neither of respect you or your adult bond with him. She thinks you are both children. And he does too.

MaxTalk · 28/07/2024 00:11

An experienced parent will usually be better placed to advise on real life challenges than many partners in my experience.

Nothing wrong with that at all.

MaxTalk · 28/07/2024 00:13

Capeprimrose · 27/07/2024 23:21

It would give me the Ick.
Mummy's boys are so not attractive.
He may value his mothers opinion but stating it badly like that is moronic and really dim.

Dim Mummy's boys are icky.

I doubt many men would like their wife saying they value their dads opinion over theirs.

Feeling the need to say this indicates he has very low emotional intelligence.

Spelling out to your sexual partner that mummy know best is not attractive.

It's not about the value he places on his mothers opinion, its that he is so dim in the manner in which he tells his partner his mummy is of greater value than her opinion wise.

Edited

Very true. He shouldn't say it, just think it. Much better....

Codlingmoths · 28/07/2024 00:15

We need to talk dp. I thought we were in a committed relationship, I thought we were partners. Last night you told me your mums opinion is the important one on everything and mine is only ever secondary, so you told me we aren’t a team at all. I’m a bit shocked.

NuffSaidSam · 28/07/2024 00:19

If you've only just discovered this then it isn't obvious from his behaviour and I think generally actions speak louder than words.

He also didn't say her opinion was more important/influential just that he'd go their first. I agree it was a weird thing to say, but if he's generally a good person/treats you well I wouldn't overreact to what sounds like a bit of a thoughtless comment.

Fraaahnces · 28/07/2024 05:56

I’d show him just how very unattractive mummy’s boys are to me… 🤮

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 28/07/2024 06:12

I wouldn’t be marrying him. Aren’t your fingers swollen from pg and you need to take the ring off?
I'm glad my dh is the opposite. His dm is unbearable at times and tries to push her opinions, he doesn’t listen, if any the does the opposite 😂
Still can’t believe he went out after, that’s a slap in the face. He seems like he can’t function without her. Very odd.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 28/07/2024 06:15

That he has grown up to appreciate and value the thoughts of what was the main woman in his life for a long time is a good thing.

That he is now creating some sort of hierarchy with his mother and her opinions coming out on top and you and yours below is a bad thing.

His respect for his mother should have naturally segued into respect for you, enough respect - and plain common sense - not to say what he did!

autienotnaughty · 28/07/2024 06:49

Going out after a date night is out of order.

I'd be annoyed around the fact that the felt the need to say it? What was he trying to achieve? Was he putting you in your place?

For me there's somethings I take to my husband others I might speak to friends or my sister. It not a competition .

Do you feel you can have a conversation with him about it? Ask what your value is and explain it's made you question your relationship

Flibflobflibflob · 28/07/2024 06:58

The problem is not that he values his mums opinion (she may be right a lot who knows). It’s the fact that he felt the need to tell you in no uncertain terms that he doesn’t give your opinion as much weight. If he had said “I’d ask you and my mum, you guys have different perspectives but it’s always helpful” that would have been reasonable.