Husband gambling addict with huge debt

[SleepsAMyth]

My husband told me last night (not of his own volition but because he had no other option) that he is a gambling addict and over past 6 years has got into £30k of debt. He only told me because I was sorting out a new mortgage deal for us and it flagged up an issue. Despite him knowing this would happen, he still didn't tell me until I asked him if he knew what the issue was as my credit score was fine and he then told me. I am so hurt that he has hidden this for so long but I am so angry that he was such a coward and didn't tell me when it was so obvious I was about to find out. I have no-one I can turn to or talk to. I want to support him and help him but I'm also so angry. I have managed to get the mortgage changed into my name and sort out a new deal and he set up a support plan to repay the debts 3 months ago but I don't know what else I need to do now. I'm hoping people here might have some words of wisdom or at least give me a hand hold.

As an ex addict (cocaine) myself the only advice I can give you is to save yourself the agony and drawn out slow torture and leave him now.

Addicts will always prioritise themselves and feed their addiction above everything else. The chances of him over coming this and never relapsing or transferring it into another addiction is slim. I've sight 15 years in therapy and working on myself and honestly I don't think I'd ever relapse but I know it's unrealistic to say it would never happen. Being arrogant about it is a sure way to fail. I work every day at staying clean and it's much much harder to do that than to follow my addiction into oblivion.

He reckons he's not gambled for a couple of years (although the timings jumped all over the place through his story) but the debts got worse because he was always chasing his tail, could never catch up and used credit cards to pay, then took a loan buy got behind on that too. I don't know how I can check or get proof that he's not still gambling. We have 2 children so it's a big decision to leave him.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you, you must be devastated. There’s three area you need to address to start to get on top of things.

Firstly, your DH. It’s good that he’s set up a payment plan but he needs to work on his gambling addiction. A friend of mine who is also a gambler attended Gamblers Anonymous and said this was the only thing that controlled the addiction. Are you sure this is the only debt?

Next, how are you affected legally by this? You’ve been successful in organising the mortgage but you may be at risk from current or future debts which you might be liable for. It might be an idea to get legal advice to mitigate this risk.

Lastly, this is bound to have a huge emotional effect on you and your marriage. It’s early days but once the dust dies down, you’ll be married to a different person from the one you anticipated. Only you will know how you want to deal with this and what might help. A lot will depend on your DH’s attitude and how he sees things working out.

So a lot for you to deal with. Sending you good wishes for your future however that looks.

But even if there is a lull in the gambling activity he is an addict forever. You will lose your home.

That’s why you have to leave him - because you have two children . Otherwise his addiction will take over all your lives.

Leave.. I have had similar issue, not as huge of debt, helped him countless times to get out of red, no good, mines not gambling just a selfish entitled arse who always had someone to bail him out.. no more tho we separated 2 years, he hasn't changed!!
Don't go down in a sinking ship

If you want "proof" or evidence of his press, whatever, Tell him you want to see his credit report and bank statements going back 6 years. That will say loan dates etc and show exactly where his money has gone.

I doubt very much that he uses tweeting the truth. Addicts are liars by their very definition. They will sell their own family down the swanny for a fix. In your shoes I would be divorcing him and asking that he sign over the house 100% to you neves you have children to provide for and realistically, if he's got ash active abusing he's not going to be contributing to their upbringing.

Ask to check his bank statements and computer history.

As someone who was in a similar boat a few years ago (although not as much) my then partner only told me when our mortgage was declined.

We have come completely to the other side of it now. I have full control of all of his money. He knows if he ever does anything like that again me and the kids would be gone and he wouldn't see us again.

You can leave him and that's probably the right thing to do but I'm glad I didn't jump straight to that conclusion.

He has shown me his bank statements for past couple of months. I said I want to see them weekly, partly to keep on top of our money. We have always had separate accounts, except for a joint savings account (which he's been taking from so is pretty much empty) so I want to keep an eye on his. I am already resenting that I have to mother him, keep an eye on him and his spending and what he's spent money on. Realistically I can see that I can never trust him again but 48 hours ago I thought I had an amazing marriage so I'm having to give my head time to catch up. I just feel such an idiot.

It is comforting to hear that relationships can survive. Do you think you'll have full control of his money forever? How does that even work? I can't work out how to remain together with zero trust where my relationship is keeping an eye on him.

@RadioGaGaRadioGooGoo how is you having total control of his finances you ‘coming completely to the other side of it?’ Sounds like a paradox to me..

If there is no trust, there is no relationship. You also have other reasons for leaving your gambling husband, namely your children. They cannot afford to grow up in such a chaotic environment with you fire fighting the whole time.

Plenty of people beat addictions too.

I got into debt years back - no addictions as such, just bad with money, out of work a few times over spent etc... Ended up with a. debt plan that I eventually paid off. Am now very good with money and not been in any issues since. My wife at the time supported me which is what really helped

Am glad you got out of a financial hole but you were not yourself in the grips of a gambling addiction. People lose homes over this type of addiction and op cannot afford to hang around waiting for her man to have an epiphany that may never happen.

He says he hasn't gambled for a couple of years. I just don't know how to check this is true. Or keep him from relapsing.

So he's not just racked up debt but stolen from you as well if he's raided joint savings. Even if you don't physically leave him I would urgently look at getting a formal divorce if only to separate your finances from his. That includes ownership of your house.

It is possible for addicts to reform their behaviour, but it is an ongoing life-long process. Every day is a new day, and every day they have to fight the addiction all over again.

You will never be able to trust him with money. You will have to stop his access to money, cards, and banks completely, get his salary paid into your account and hand him back 'pocket money'. This will have to continue for several years.
Meanwhile he needs to go to gamblers anonymous - daily at first, then at least weekly for several years, then maybe once a month for the rest of his life.

If he does not agree to this, then divorce is the only option.

You do not do anything here re checking on him nor do you attempt to stop him relapsing You did not cause this, you cannot control this nor can you cure this.

You can only help your own self and your kids ultimately by completely ring fencing your financial future. Do not also continue to raise your kids in an environment where their dad is a gambler.

I've been where you are now.

If this is the first time it's all coming out, I'm almost certain your husband won't be telling you the whole truth right now. He'll most likely be trying to minimise the issue.

Has he got credit cards? Bank accounts you don't know about? Has he borrowed money from friends or family? You need total honesty from him.

What type of gambling has he been doing? My husband was addicted to online poker, he has blacklisted himself from all the websites so can no longer access them.

Your husband needs to seek help. My husband was in complete denial about the extent of his problem until he spoke to a counsellor.

It's so easy for people to say - leave him. We're 6 years on from this and still together. I made a decision to stay (also had two young kids) as I wanted us both to do everything we possibly could to overcome things. If he didn't engage in counselling and be completely honest with me, we were over. He's done everything I've asked of him since. It's not been easy. It's changed how I feel about him forever. But it doesn't have to be the end. I'm also not saying - stay. It's totally dependent on your own situation and how he's responding to this. But just trying to give another view.

I hope you're ok. You'll get through this. It's fucking horrible.

Or keep him from relapsing.

You can’t keep him from relapsing. Only he can do that.
Three Cs of addiction:
You didn’t cause this
You can’t control this
You can’t cure this.

Some support might be helpful https://www.gamblersanonymous.org/ga/content/gam-anon-help-family-friends
You need to be 100% realistic, you’re not his saviour, you can’t rescue him.
Sorry to sound harsh but life with an addict is harsh. You must protect yourself and your children .

I can understand that you might not be willing or ready to completely end the relationship at this point. You hope that he has changed or can change. So if you do want to stay with him - for now, or for longer - you must protect yourself legally and financially.
Off the top of my head (not an exhaustive list):

• Close all joint accounts and joint credit cards
• Get him to set up a standing order for his share of the contribution to mortgage, bills etc and that goes from his account to yours on his payday or the day after
• All essential payments come out of your account (so you can't get behind without realising)
• And - this is the one you might not want to do, but you have to: divorce him. You could do this without ending the relationship; you'd be cohabiting partners instead. Just not legally and financially responsible for each other.
• Get advice from a conveyancer about changing the ownership of the house to protect you in the event that he gets into large amounts of debt; ideally you'd be the sole owner, but if you really want to both be on the deeds, ensure you are tenants in common and not joint tenants.
• Update your pension and life insurance (do you want him or your children to be beneficiaries?) and your will

If you do all this you might be able to tolerate continuing a relationship with him; you would need to let go of expectation/hope that you can have any impact on whether or not he puts the gambling behind him, and just accept that the risk of gambling and debts is an inevitable part of him that you tolerate along with the good bits. But you'd be an absolute fool if you stayed married and financially linked to him, frankly - you'd be putting the financial security of yourself and your children at risk. You have a duty to minimise the risk of them losing their home as much as you can. (And yes, I have seen children made homeless by a gambling addict father.)

Absolutely true, @Allthehorsesintheworld .

He said online slots but also sports bets. He said he's signed up to ban himself from all websites. I have taken his credit cards but he can't use them anyway due to the debt plan (although this is from what he's told me, I've spent today sorting the mortgage so I need to look into everything else). He said he's told me everything but I'm sure there will be more. It's unlikely he's borrowed from his family but I guess I will have to check. He's agreed to getting support, I said that was a minimum regardless of whether we stay together because it's the least he needs to have in place for our kids sake. He's embarrassed and doesn't really want others to know, whereas I think he needs others to know so they can support him and for accountability (such as his friends and family).

I want to support him and help him but I'm also so angry.

Please hold onto that anger!

He will spend all the money with his addiction.

My friend with 2 kids, one a baby found out her husband was gambling the family money. She had to move back in with her parents. Don't let this be you.

He doesn't love you. He's got a disease which you cannot help him with because you are not a therapist. He needs to go rock-bottom.

Please leave. It never gets better, until he is willing to do the work on himself. Which may be never.

Love yourself enough to not chose this. Life is great solo! Take it from me.