Husband gambling addict with huge debt

[SleepsAMyth]

My husband told me last night (not of his own volition but because he had no other option) that he is a gambling addict and over past 6 years has got into £30k of debt. He only told me because I was sorting out a new mortgage deal for us and it flagged up an issue. Despite him knowing this would happen, he still didn't tell me until I asked him if he knew what the issue was as my credit score was fine and he then told me. I am so hurt that he has hidden this for so long but I am so angry that he was such a coward and didn't tell me when it was so obvious I was about to find out. I have no-one I can turn to or talk to. I want to support him and help him but I'm also so angry. I have managed to get the mortgage changed into my name and sort out a new deal and he set up a support plan to repay the debts 3 months ago but I don't know what else I need to do now. I'm hoping people here might have some words of wisdom or at least give me a hand hold.

OP, mine was physical abuse while pregnant.

Didn't put up with that either!

DS is so much more of a great son and mature man because I left his dad.

It was a hard slog but I know he would never hit a girlfriend. 🙏

If he's spunked 30k I can 99.9% guarantee he's not just stopped without any help from GA etc.

He's got secret accounts, you need to do a proper deep dive. Check internet history as a starting place.

OP, gamblers are notorious liars.
He will drag you and your children into the gutter.
You can drag this out and play mummy to him but you will NEVER be able to trust him again.
Some gamblers get their addiction under control, a tiny number.
The majority destroy the lives of their families.

If you decide to stay and put him first, ahead of your children, you will need to 100% separate your finances, have him sign EVERYTHING over to you fully and make sure to be flagged of any loans he tries to take out against your home, loans in your name.
Gamblers will do ANYTHING for money, stealing, fraud, you name it.

You will need to constantly monitor your credit score too.
Please reach out to Gam Anon for support.
The stories will be enlightening, especially from women who admit they deeply regret their wasted lives supporting gambler husbands.

Tell family and friends the truth.
Addiction loves secrecy.
YOU need supporting through this.

Thank you everyone for your messages, I am still processing it all and I appreciate all the advice and support.

I have been your husband but caught myself early. I did rack up 2-3k debt promised I'd get it under control and did the same thing a few years later. I put a gamban stop on every single account I had and I am quite strong willed so so far haven't gambled again but from what I see of others like me they get in far far deeper.

If I were you I would leave him. He is going to cost you any money you ever save to gambling debts

I would agree. And that's not what he's spent because he will have been winning games to keep going and then landing in debt so I'd have tripped that amount to see what he has actually spent.
In fact, op could ask to see whichever gambling website he is uses and check his transactions and that will show every single spin on a gambling slot. I bet it's an eye opener.

If all your savings have gone and you didn’t know, that’s much more recent than a couple of years ago. You really need to see all statements going back much further than a couple of months. If he says no, he’s still lying. And you’re obviously not an idiot, he is, putting it very mildly.

I wouldn’t stay with someone who is dishonest. It’s never going to stop.

He says he used the savings to top up his account because he was constantly behind due to paying off his debts. Hard check if that's why he took them or if it was to gamble with them directly and I'm angry either way to be honest.

My exH was a gambling addict, eventually we split because he had so many chances but just couldn't stop.

I paid off debts of his, he'd just take out a new loan (usually those utterly awful payday loans) the next day behind my back.

I never knew whether the rent or bills had been paid as he'd cancel direct debits and set them up again for the following month (which obviously then meant the debit would be higher)

I eventually took over the entirety of the household finances and he had an "allowance" each month like a child, but this caused untold arguments and eventually I couldn't take the stress anymore, especially as we had a small child at the time.

He won't change. I can't promise anything else, but I can promise that. He will not change

Sorry you’re going through this op. Not sure if anyone has mentioned GamCare OP - they have support groups and advice for the family members of gambling addicts as well as the addict themselves.https://www.gamcare.org.uk/
Gambling addiction is a recognised mental illness by the NHS, maybe your DH can start here to get the support he needs https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/addiction-support/gambling-addiction/

That is where we currently are with putting everything into my name and all his money coming to me, then I'll give him an allowance. I feel like I've become his mother overnight and I don't know how to not feel resentful. I no longer have a partner or an equal. I also think he will resent me because he thinks he has it under control (although he is open to going to GA and getting support) and doesn't seem to get that he will never be cured and I'll always have to be suspicious. But if I kick him out, where could he possibly go? He won't be able to rent anywhere with his credit score shot and most of his money tied up in repayments.

It's funny because there was a post on here a while ago from a woman with an addiction to codiene and you were all saying how brave and fantastic she was. She had children too and no one ever said her husband should leave her. She was hiding it from everyone
I would say people can get through addictions there are many stories if you choose to read them of men and women who have been free from addiction for years. It's important to have support from outside places such as AA or GA and admitting it's a problem is a massive step

Forget this

I agree with this
As an ex addict (cocaine) myself the only advice I can give you is to save yourself the agony and drawn out slow torture and leave him now.

But you clearly want to stay.

His full salary needs to go into the joint that would be a non negotiable. He is not allowed to touch his mail and you need regular credit checks to ensure he isnt taking out sneaky credit cards.

You are now his mother and keeper he is an oversized child. Sexy....

You also need to understand there is no trust now.
You are also risk your kids security by staying with him. He is going to do it again.

Codeine and gambling are very different addictions. If someone is addicted to codeine - or alcohol, or other drugs - it won't bankrupt their family.

@AnotherEmma it will if they get seriously ill from what they are doing and can't work to afford the mortgage etc. I know someone who spent every spare penny on alcohol and died very young leaving his children with no father and no second income. They had to sell their house and move into council accommodation.

Well yes, either way. I’m sorry op - I can imagine the shock.

Again codeine and alcohol are very different.
I'd be surprised if there were as many people dying of codeine addictions as there are people dying of alcoholism.

He's lying.

He only told you about this when he absolutely had no choice but to own up.

He's still lying now - you have said yourself the story has changed several times.

He claims to have stopped gambling on his own but couldn't keep up with the repayments on the debt he'd accrued. If he wasn't gambling then where did this money go? It doesn't make sense - what DOES make sense is that he carried on gambling (to try and win back his losses) and got further into debt.

He doesn't want people to know because he's still gambling.

I mean this is as nicely as possible. You need to stop thinking about him and start thinking about your children. This man has the capacity to ruin all of your lives with lies and debt - losing the roof over your head, your financial security, and literally taking clothes off your back and food out of your mouths.

You have to put your kids first - and that means letting him hit rock bottom. You cannot control his addiction and you cannot cure it. The only person that can help him is him, but he needs to be truly honest and ready to do that.

Agreed and while obviously still highly problematic a codeine addition isn’t going to leave my children homeless like gambling will

That is the biggest threat.

Look he stayed quiet until now and only told you because he had no choice.
Do you really think you can be,ieve him when he says he hasn’t gang bled for the last two years? Because I wouldn’t believe a word of it.
Im not sure I’d even believe the £30k are his only debts,

You ask to have access to his bank account online and check every single statements for the last 5 or 10 years.

I'm going to go through his credit report and see what that says. Will that show up if he has other debts? I assume so? He's on a debt management plan so I'm hoping that is for all his debts. I am fully aware that I can't believe anything he says, but this is very new to me and I need to know as much as is possible so I can separate myself from him. It is very overwhelming.

@RadioGaGaRadioGooGoo

He knows if he ever does anything like that again me and the kids would be gone and he wouldn't see us again.

You'd try to stop him having any relationship with his children?

I think a lot of posters have been pretty harsh, addiction is an illness, an illness that nobody wants, but one that can only be fixed by willpower & a lot of strength.

He will need to be honest with you, but will of course be ashamed & embarrassed. I understand why you think others should know but give him the chance to prove he has stopped & will continue to work on it.

I understand why people are advising you to jump ship, it’s a huge betrayal of trust & a huge risk for you, but maybe protect yourself practically by moving the house & all other assets solely in to your name and make it perfectly clear you will be checking frequently his phone, accounts etc to look for any evidence of gambling (also monitor physical cash in case he changes to casinos / pub slots) and just make it clear to him - and yourself - that even a sniff of another bet will mean the end of your relationship & no more help will be given.

I would hope that this will be enough to stop him gambling again, and if it isn’t and he does relapse then at least you will know you tried and didn’t throw the towel in.

I really hope for both yours and your children’s sakes that you finding out / having to do a debt relief order is enough for him to never gamble again and you can both overcome this ❤️