Husband gambling addict with huge debt

[SleepsAMyth]

My husband told me last night (not of his own volition but because he had no other option) that he is a gambling addict and over past 6 years has got into £30k of debt. He only told me because I was sorting out a new mortgage deal for us and it flagged up an issue. Despite him knowing this would happen, he still didn't tell me until I asked him if he knew what the issue was as my credit score was fine and he then told me. I am so hurt that he has hidden this for so long but I am so angry that he was such a coward and didn't tell me when it was so obvious I was about to find out. I have no-one I can turn to or talk to. I want to support him and help him but I'm also so angry. I have managed to get the mortgage changed into my name and sort out a new deal and he set up a support plan to repay the debts 3 months ago but I don't know what else I need to do now. I'm hoping people here might have some words of wisdom or at least give me a hand hold.

he thinks he has it under control (although he is open to going to GA and getting support)
says every addict, going to GA has to be one of your conditions and it's not debatable. If he's reluctant to go he's still gambling.

I was in your position three years ago OP, and my heart goes out to you 💐
My DH is a lifelong gambler, had attended Gamblers Anonymous in the past, thought he’d beaten the addiction but fell back into it.
I found out when I thought a loan payment had gone out of our account twice. It hadn’t - he’d tricked me and taken it out to keep up the payment on one of his loans.
He was tens of thousands of pounds in debt, while I had been having sleepless nights because I couldn’t work out why we never seemed to have any money. More fool me.
The feeling of betrayal, of being taken for an idiot, of being lied to and stolen from was horrific. All those wasted years trying to make ends meet.

If you want to, you can make the marriage work, but he has to do lots of things.

• Want to give up the habit. He’s an addict, it’s an illness, he will always be an addict but he can be an addict who never gambles, not ever, not even the Grand National sweepstake or a charity lottery. But only he can decide this.
• Put Gamblock software on all your devices so he can’t get on any sites.
• Get a joint account. Don’t give him access to it. He can use a debit card maybe but you will always know what he is spending it on.
• See if you can personalise your bank account to not allow gambling transactions. Ours does this.
• Get monthly credit reports - you can do this for free through MoneySaving Expert. It will let you know if he has signed up to any spread betting companies, also every single loan and credit card he has, has had in the past or tried to apply for. My DH’s credit rating was shot, and mine wasn’t great simply because I was connected to him. After three years it has built itself up again.
• Set up a savings account in your name, don’t tell him about it ever. Tell a close friend or relative (in case you die in a car crash and no-one knows it exists 😬). Syphon a little money into it whenever you can. This helped me feel more secure. I now have enough that I could leave him if he gambled again.
• Counselling. This was a breakthrough. GamAware offered a course of free telephone counselling and it was a lifesaver. It will break through why your DH gambles, what his trigger points are (work stress/ big sporting events/ feelings of inadequacy etc) and how to get them under control. This is what saved my marriage.

It won’t be the same marriage. The balance has changed because he was the one who did the dreadful thing and I was the victim and the martyr who stayed with him and supported him.
And of course I am still angry and resentful about all my money he threw away when it could have been spent on family holidays, pensions etc.
But we had and still have a great marriage, he is a fantastic father and a caring person and I wanted to help him, I know he would have supported me if the tables were turned.
A previous poster said your DH doesn’t love you. With an addict it isn’t about their partner, or family, it is a sickness they can’t control. So he probably does love you very much, even though you don’t pull shit like this on people you love.

I’m not saying you should stay - only you know if you can manage that. But you can make it work, if your DH genuinely never wants to place a single bet ever again.
If he isn’t committed to this then get yourself and your DCs out now.

I have said this isn't negotiable, regardless of what I choose to do. He needs help that I don't know how to give so he has to get proper support. He says he is going to do this today so I guess I will find out.

Men are pathetic, weak and mostly redundant, apart from a small amount of exceptions.
My father was one of these, husband, thankfully, is the other option.
OP, definitely get a formal divorce.
How pathetic.
Sorry.

You need to check everything independently. Bank statements going back a couple of months, not good enough, he needs to provide bank statements going back years. Don’t let him fob you off, now is the time for him to be honest because you will uncover his lies eventually and when you do, you won’t be as understanding as you are now.

If he’s serious then he needs to come clean to his family and friends, not to be humiliated but because them not knowing, is a quick way for them to be complicit in his addiction by being a source of money (if he hasn’t already borrowed from them already).

Addictions thrive in the dark and his reluctance to not be open to you and his family is a barrier to his recovery.

Good luck and don’t be manipulated into keeping his secrets.

Separate your finances, Totally & legally so he cant acces your money or effect your credit rating or gamble away your assets (especially your house)
Make sure all his gambling debts are in his name and Separate to you

Then leave and leave him with 100% ofthis debts

This is a major betrayal of trust and he is unlikely to change. Staying will break you & be so negative for your children

OP the key thing is that he needs to be stepping up and saying what HE is going to do to try and move forward. Crucially, that needs to not rest on you.

If his plan for success relies on you being his Mum and his Manager then you are going to have a problem. I suspect he will magically still expect you to want to have sex with him, despite expecting you to act like his parent. It would be difficult to maintain an adult attraction to someone who is supposed to be your equal partner, but in reality is being child-like in his expectation that you will fix everything by controlling his money and monitoring his bank accounts.

You can never trust him again.

At some point he will try and rob any savings your children have.

At some point he may sell something of yours that has previous sentimental value in order to raise cash.

At some point out of desperation he may commit a crime.

At some point the mess he's in could cause a mental breakdown and he attempt to harm himself or you and the children. Christopher Foster murdered his wife, teenage daughter and horses when he faces financial ruin.

At some point he may become aggressive and violent towards you because you won't give him money or assets.

For the sake of yourself and your children you need to cut him off financially and get you and your children into a new home where you are safe from his reckless gambling and from him.

@Lemonsparkle this is a really kind and inspiring post 🥰

OP

re your comment
"But if I kick him out, where could he possibly go? He won't be able to rent anywhere with his credit score shot and most of his money tied up in repayments."

The above thinking smacks of codependency and that is not a good state at all for you. That shows your own responsibility for him. He certainly was not thinking about anything at all, let alone his family, other than placing a bet when he was gambling away the family money. And I suppose he's always said that he would stop when he got a big win.

You are not responsible for him and/or his inherent gambling addiction; that is down to him and that is his sole responsibility. You could potentially lose your home and life savings if you stay with him; there have been instances whereby families have lost their home due to gambling addiction. And if that happens where would you go?.

I'm in exactly the same situation and would encourage you to call or online talk to GambleAware. They have referred me for a support session, given me links to online women's support groups. I literally cried when I found out this support was available as my OH is still in denial and I am desperately worried about our home. I have decided we need to separate for thr financial safety of our children but I am so upset this has happened to our family unit.

I did try to stay and support when I found out about the first round of gambling. He promised to talk to me, be transparent etc, but months later I found out he was taking out loans. I really did believe we could work through it together but the trust has totally gone now and I can't live in fear.

It's an isolating place to be isn't it. GambleAware is the best place to call. Good luck.

I don’t think I could stay married to him. I would divorce just to protect my/my children from his financial incompetence/addiction.

Depending on how he reacted to that, I would decide whether or not to continue with any kind of relationship with him, whether living separately or apart.

It looks like you’ve had loads of good advice on here, OP.

As someone in a really similar situation (but bigger debt 😬) I just want to echo the advice to insist on financial transparency, and financial safeguarding for you and the kids.

I’d be really wary of believing him about all the details, they take a while to come out (and possibly never all do…) and “I’ve stopped” isn’t always the truth.

You've had a tremendous shock, and it’s perfectly ok to not decide whether to stay in the relationship until you’ve taken some time to recover from the initial blow.

He absolutely needs to engage with support on an ongoing basis. And I’d really encourage you to tell other people. It’s a massive thing to carry on your own and secrecy allows him less accountability. If he’s not willing to tell people, this might be a red flag. Relapses do happen. And addicts are great at lying.

There’s support available for you too - call Gamcare’s helpline and ask about their women’s pathway for affected others, for example. But, as I’ve said to others on here, make sure any support you get is about YOUR interests. There’s plenty of advice out there on “how to support the gambler in your life”. Gamblers do need support, as it’s shitty being an addict. But the people whose lives they wreck without knowledge or consent need support for themselves too.

As others have said, the relationship will never be the same again and the trust thing is very tough - you’ll have to work out co-parenting and cooperation for the kids. Anything beyond that is absolutely your call and not to be committed to in a hurry.

It’s been several months here and I’m still in the process of all this, so sending solidarity and strength. It’s really shit. Best of luck.

Just rereading this thread and taking notes from people like @AnotherEmma ’s advice (thanks!), and spotted this one.

Not all debts show up on all reports. My husband has five bank loans which he took out in secret to chase losses. The biggest one doesn’t show up on one of the credit reports I run monthly, but does on the other.

It’s also the murkiest of the lenders as they were the only ones who’d lend by that stage. It’s a concern, as even murkier ones probably won’t show up anywhere.

I use CreditKarma and Clearscore as they were recommended by Debtline.

There’s also a thing on the land registry website where you can get an alert if anyone tries to take out a loan on your property value - no idea how watertight it is but might be worth doing - very quick to set up.
propertyalert.landregistry.gov.uk/propertyalert/

"But if I kick him out, where could he possibly go?"
When was that YOUR problem?

You are not his mother. He can go to his parents or a sibling or a cousin.

He didn't think of your welfare when he was gambling.
Addicts are liars. Sorry.
He needs specialist treatment as soon as possible.
If he could stop on his own, he'd have stopped 10 years ago.
He needs skills and support to resist relapse.

@weredormouse thank you for your advice, I will look at all of those.

He is still the father of my children and I don't think it will be great for them to see him homeless and with nowhere to go. He is getting help, although I appreciate it's easy for him to do this one week in and another thing for him to stick to it, but he needs help regardless of what I choose to do so it is a relief that he's accessing it.

How are things going @SleepsAMyth ?

Thanks for checking in. My husband has sought and accepted help, he's been going to GA and online support groups daily as well as weekly counselling. I have taken on the mortgage and my husband has signed over the deeds so the house is in my name and I've got all bills etc into my name and I have control of his finances. It has been stressful and I am still getting on top of all finances but I think I'm doing ok.

There's a charity called GamCare, they have a helpline you can call. Hope you can get through this together! Sounds tough.

That all sounds hopeful. I hope it works out for you. It’s very hard

Is he going to get help? Counselling to kick the habit for good? If so, then there's hope.

@SleepsAMyth I am in the same situation but decided to split (which is causing and the kids upset) as I felt I had no choice as my husband won't fully accepted what he's done (only the parts he deems to be gambling, not thd high risk investing). I'm so so upset. If my husband could have been like yours and fully accepted wgat had happened, I could have potentially stayed, signed the house in my name etc. Gambling is just so awful, in whatever guise it takes, especially if the affected person can't see the problem. Wishing you all the best, sounds like you are doing incredibly.

Did his lips move as he said it? Did he swear on his children's lives? Did he say 'I promise you it's the truth'?

They all mean he's lying to you.

Add in 'I need you to help me' and threats of suicide for the gambling addict flush.

I am sorry that you are in a similar situation, it really sucks. I'm sorry your husband wont accept responsibility, I know I'm fortunate that my husband has accepted it and agreed to receiving help, support and to signing everything into my name (although he's upset about this). Good luck with everything going forward for you. I contacted GamCare for advice and they've been amazing, lots of practical support but also counselling and opportunities to talk to others in a similar situation, if you haven't already contacted them, it might be worth doing that?

Given all the distress it causes it is a great pity that gambling isnt a Political Hot Potato.

A ban on Gambling ads would be a start