Brothers news affecting me

[sunnylife2]

Tricky to know where to start, sorry for the long post!

So I am mid 30s and have a brother who is 5 years younger. I have been married for 5 years now and my husband and I had planned to try for our first baby this year.
My brothers relationship has always been strained with me and my parents since early teens. I know everyone has moments with their siblings but he has always been a very difficult character, even as a child. He cannot listen to rules (works for himself as he couldn’t hold down a job working for someone else, refused to go to school sometimes as a child, is very hot headed, had an alcohol/gambling addiction in the past which is now finally resolved etc) and me, my husband and parents always feel we are walking on eggshells around him. He caused a scene at mine and my husbands wedding by getting so drunk, I let it go at the time but it still hurts that he did this on my wedding day.

His life is pretty chaotic, he is like a walking whirlwind and anytime we see him we come away exhausted and mentally drained. Thankfully, he does live over 3 hours away from me and my parents with his long term girlfriend so the distance does help. He earns well in his job but is totally irresponsible with his money, buying lavish dinners out, watches, trainers and expensive handbags for his girlfriend etc.

He has always suffered with anxiety and struggles to manage this and his wellbeing himself. Whenever he is struggling he is straight on the phone to my parents saying he can’t cope etc which causes us all to worry about him frequently as he won’t seek help himself. My poor Mum loses so much sleep over him and I do too. We care about him so much but he never seems to realise we have our own lives and worries of our own.

A couple of months back my brother and his girlfriend announced they are expecting a baby. I am happy for them but also felt a huge wave of sadness at the announcement.
My parents are happy for them but understandably laid awake at night worrying about how he will manage it all and if his mental health will worsen.

I feel so self centred saying this but the whole situation has put such a dampener on my husband and I trying for a baby.
I worry my parents will think ‘oh gosh a second to worry about’ when they are only just getting their heads around my brother’s news.
I also worry about my own wellbeing and can’t imagine being pregnant/having a newborn of my own and worrying about my brother and his new child and the toll on my parents wellbeing if things become bad.

My husband and I have held off trying since the news, but we feel we are putting our lives on hold 😔. I am annoyed we waited so long as I wish we could have given my parents their first grandchild with not much to worry about as we are completely self sufficient and stable in our marriage.

Anyway, just wanted to vent somewhere and see if anyone else has had a similar family situation and how you handled this?
I know there is no easy solution but it really is getting me down.

Thanks for reading 🌻 x

Why are you letting your brothers drama affect your life like this.

At the end of the day, none of this stuff is your problem. Let him get on with his own life in his own way and stop letting it affect you.

If you and your husband want to have a kid, then have a kid!

Stop letting your brother dictate your lives, keep trying for your much longed for baby by the sounds of things.
he’s a grown adult now and he needs to stand on his own two feet without people worrying over him and coddling him.
He has his own family to take care of now and the rest is up to him, your not his mother your his sister take a step back and focus on your husband and your own life and trust me you’ll be much happier. You deserve to be happy and to have your own family.

As an objective outsider, I'm sorry but it sounds a bit mad to put your own baby plans on hold because of this! If anything your parents could be extra pleased if you got pregnant, because it could be a lovely uncomplicated family blessing in contrast to the more complicated situation with your brother.

I know how it feels to have a difficult sibling. I have had to detach from mine for my own sanity... I'm still there and still support them but I just can't get emotionally involved, it's not worth it. Whether I worry or not about them doesn't change their choices or their life. So why put yourself through such anxiety and heartbreak?

I would absolutely not stop trying for a baby in your circumstances.

This really is a problem that only exists in your head.

I also worry about my own wellbeing and can’t imagine being pregnant/having a newborn of my own and worrying about my brother and his new child

If you want a baby, have one. You worry about your life and let him worry about his

With all due respect, you and your mum need to take several huge steps back and stop letting your brother be the centre of your respective universes. It's absolute madness that you and your husband are postponing trying for a baby because your grown adult brother is having one with his long term girlfriend.

I understand worrying about your brother but he is an adult. Mum needs to let go a bit and let him make mistakes, and you need to just live your life and stop letting his drama impact you to this extent.

I wish we could have given my parents their first grandchild with not much to worry about

You're not 'giving' anyone anything. You really need to step put of your own head on this one.

He earns well in his job but is totally irresponsible with his money, buying lavish dinners out, watches, trainers and expensive handbags for his girlfriend etc.

I am annoyed we waited so long as I wish we could have given my parents their first grandchild with not much to worry about as we are completely self sufficient and stable in our marriage.

Jesus christ, I feel bad for your brother. How about stop being so judgey and controlling and let him enjoy his life as he sees fit and you do the same.

A grandchild is not like a bunch of flowers, not sure narcissism is the exact right word but it is not all about you

This is something I'm only now putting into practice for myself, having an equally difficult family member, but it's true and you need to learn it: you're deciding how to respond to him. You're choosing to worry, you're choosing to engage every time with him, you're choosing to decide how this will affect your parents and assuming that's somehow your responsibility.

You have to learn to disengage: you can't stop him behaving a particular way but you can choose to let go of worrying about it, probably with therapy. You sound a lot like me - I would constantly worry about my mum's behaviour, and in turn how that affected my sibling, until I was the one carrying round a huge burden that didn't change anything because I couldn't change their behaviour or feelings, only my own.

If your parents are worried about him, that's for them to deal with. You can't handle their concerns for them, and from your post it doesn't sound like your concerns are about actually needing to do anything, just thinking about it. So you need to learn to be able to say: that's a shit situation, but I can't do anything concrete about it so I am not going to let it take over me.

On the face of it, you being so worried about your brother having a child feels really disproportionate when other than being very anxious, he seems largely fine: he is self employed and earns well enough to spend money on stupid stuff, has a partner, etc. Whether he's financially irresponsible isn't your problem, whether he's anxious when he has a baby isn't your problem - unless he's directly asking you for help, this just isn't something that should even factor into your happiness about your own potential children. I really think you'd benefit from getting some therapy because it sounds like you're over-thinking about everyone around you in a way that's unproductive (because you can't control their feelings/actions) and it's putting an unnecessarily high burden on you.

Maybe fatherhood will be the making of your brother; maybe he will be hopeless at it and his relationship will implode; time will tell. His problems are not your problems to solve and there is absolutely no point in putting an important aspect of your own life on hold.

If u and ur husband are ready to have a child go ahead. It is not a competition bwn siblings to see who has a child first. Concentrate on u, ur husband and the prospect of an addition to the family

You sound a bit ridiculous.. you'll be so busy when you have your own baby you won't have time to worry about your brother 😂 he's an adult leave him to it

His problems and his baby are really nothing for you to worry about, You are worrying about what your parents might worry about? its bonkers.
Have you considered speaking to a therapist? I mean It could perhaps be understandable if you were best friends but from what you wrote it doesn't sound like you are close.

For your own wellbeing and your husband’s, you need to find a way to step away from your brother’s problems. He’s an independent adult, with a job, home and girlfriend. He’s not helpless and dependent on you. You care about him, of course you do, but sitting fretting about what you and your parents will worry about in future will damage your health. You absolutely can’t control what he does and you will have no peace of mind while you obsess over his life.

Goodness me, why do your family feel responsible for your brother? Does he lie awake at night worrying about you or your DM? He's an adult, in an adult relationship, it's time for him to deal with the fallout of his girlfriend being pregnant.
You have your own stable relationship, concentrate on that. Don't get hung up on who is giving your parents their first grandchild! Your brother lives miles away why are you so worried about him? He's made his life, he has a girlfriend, if his mental health suffers, it's for him to seek help.

That doesn't impact you trying for a baby. Crack on with it.

Agree with all of this. It'll breed such resentment if you don’t step back and focus on your own life.

He lives 3 hours away, its not like you're going to be able to provide much practical support when the baby comes anyway. Get on with your own plans and leave him and his partner to handle their own situation.

Live your life and let your brother live his. Neither of you have to consult with each other on major life decisions.

And as for all this "first grandchild" stuff, I'd get over it pretty quickly. Sadly, if your brother cannot cope with his present child-free life very well, he's unlikely to cope well with a baby/small child. So based on what you've said, I'd imagine that he'll exit his present relationship fairly quickly when the baby arrives and leave the mother to do the lion's share of the parenting. She'll probably look to her family for support and your parents won't end up seeing much of the child anyway, so they'll be closer to any children you have anyway. Not saying it's right, but that's my prediction.

Your family is seriously dysfunctional. (I am far more knowledgeable in this area than I would have preferred to be).

"He has always suffered with anxiety and struggles to manage this and his wellbeing himself. Whenever he is struggling he is straight on the phone to my parents saying he can’t cope etc which causes us all to worry about him frequently as he won’t seek help himself. My poor Mum loses so much sleep over him and I do too. We care about him so much but he never seems to realise we have our own lives and worries of our own."

I suspect his anxiety has been caused by the strange dynamics in the family where no one seems to know where they end and the next person begins. You are all enmeshed with each other. Obviously when he phones struggling, whatever "support" he gets is not actually helping as this is a situation that regularly repeats itself. So he needs professional help. But I suspect your family all whine away to each other and don't actually try to do anything concrete to remedy the situation, e.g. therapy.

"A couple of months back my brother and his girlfriend announced they are expecting a baby. I am happy for them but also felt a huge wave of sadness at the announcement.
My parents are happy for them but understandably laid awake at night worrying about how he will manage it all and if his mental health will worsen."

It's not a bit understandable for your parents to be "laid awake at night" about their adult son (who they brought up to be the way he is). A "huge wave of sadness" is surely a huge overreaction?!

"I feel so self centred saying this but the whole situation has put such a dampener on my husband and I trying for a baby.
I worry my parents will think ‘oh gosh a second to worry about’ when they are only just getting their heads around my brother’s news.
I also worry about my own wellbeing and can’t imagine being pregnant/having a newborn of my own and worrying about my brother and his new child and the toll on my parents wellbeing if things become bad."

I do think it comes across as very self centred. You're all about how you and your parents feel. Can you imagine how your brother feels? Whether you realise it or not, he is deeply aware that his parents and sister have no faith in him and expect him to fail at everything. But of course they will "be there for him" - except that nothing is changing.
If you were to get pregnant, why is it your default thinking that this is something for your parents to worry about? Most parents are very happy at the prospect of a grandchild being on the way (mine weren't, part of the dysfunction I grew up in).
Why do you think that being pregnant means worrying about your brother and having a poor effect on your wellbeing and imagining a situation where everything goes bad and your parents have to step in?

It seems to me that you and your parents catastrophise things, making a drama out of ordinary life. This is probably going back generations.

I honestly think you and your parents, your brother too, need a lot of (individual) therapy urgently. Read up on enmeshment, also on catastrophising.

Hmmm, this is a bit unhealthy. Like that girl in Love Actually, with her whole life on hold because she has no boundaries with reference to her mentally ill brother.
Your life is your life, live it. Your brother´s business is your brother´s business, disentangle.

Don't put your life on hold. Continue with plan to ttc. Worrying about your brother doesn't help him, also it might be the making of him who knows?

Your parents will be delighted about your baby even if worried for brother.

Please don't let any of your brothers possible difficulties influence any of your big decisions. Absolutely go for trying for a baby!

It with either be the making or breaking of him, only time will tell. For some, having someone (i.e baby) more important than themselves can be a welcome distraction from any inner goings on. I hope his partner has supportive family nearby, which will no doubt help.

I'm sure your parents would be thrilled of any news you may come to share. It sounds as though you are far more self-sufficient, so they will have less to worry about with you. Also, it will be nice to have cousins closer in age.

Sometimes it's no use worrying about the what ifs and just keep wishing for the best :)

Has your brother ever been assessed for ADHD? As this is something that has been going on since he was a child there may well be an underlying issue and it wouldn't surprise me at all if he had ADHD.

You can't put your like on hold because your brother potentially has ADHD though. Surely you can see how crazy that is? You need to stop allowing your brother to impact so heavily on your life and let him lead his own life.

It seems like you’re putting your baby on hold because you are looking forward to a positive reaction to pregnancy more than the actual conception of the child and that’s a bit lame to be honest.

If you’re ready for a baby then try for one, it shouldn’t matter what your brother is up to or whether your parents will worry/not rejoice as hard as you want them to.