Brothers news affecting me

[sunnylife2]

Tricky to know where to start, sorry for the long post!

So I am mid 30s and have a brother who is 5 years younger. I have been married for 5 years now and my husband and I had planned to try for our first baby this year.
My brothers relationship has always been strained with me and my parents since early teens. I know everyone has moments with their siblings but he has always been a very difficult character, even as a child. He cannot listen to rules (works for himself as he couldn’t hold down a job working for someone else, refused to go to school sometimes as a child, is very hot headed, had an alcohol/gambling addiction in the past which is now finally resolved etc) and me, my husband and parents always feel we are walking on eggshells around him. He caused a scene at mine and my husbands wedding by getting so drunk, I let it go at the time but it still hurts that he did this on my wedding day.

His life is pretty chaotic, he is like a walking whirlwind and anytime we see him we come away exhausted and mentally drained. Thankfully, he does live over 3 hours away from me and my parents with his long term girlfriend so the distance does help. He earns well in his job but is totally irresponsible with his money, buying lavish dinners out, watches, trainers and expensive handbags for his girlfriend etc.

He has always suffered with anxiety and struggles to manage this and his wellbeing himself. Whenever he is struggling he is straight on the phone to my parents saying he can’t cope etc which causes us all to worry about him frequently as he won’t seek help himself. My poor Mum loses so much sleep over him and I do too. We care about him so much but he never seems to realise we have our own lives and worries of our own.

A couple of months back my brother and his girlfriend announced they are expecting a baby. I am happy for them but also felt a huge wave of sadness at the announcement.
My parents are happy for them but understandably laid awake at night worrying about how he will manage it all and if his mental health will worsen.

I feel so self centred saying this but the whole situation has put such a dampener on my husband and I trying for a baby.
I worry my parents will think ‘oh gosh a second to worry about’ when they are only just getting their heads around my brother’s news.
I also worry about my own wellbeing and can’t imagine being pregnant/having a newborn of my own and worrying about my brother and his new child and the toll on my parents wellbeing if things become bad.

My husband and I have held off trying since the news, but we feel we are putting our lives on hold 😔. I am annoyed we waited so long as I wish we could have given my parents their first grandchild with not much to worry about as we are completely self sufficient and stable in our marriage.

Anyway, just wanted to vent somewhere and see if anyone else has had a similar family situation and how you handled this?
I know there is no easy solution but it really is getting me down.

Thanks for reading 🌻 x

why are you all so enmeshed in each others lives? you all need to grow up and live your own lives

Are you a bit jealous that he’s having a baby first?

The thing that jumps out at me is that you are worried how your brother will cope - but he has a girlfriend who is the one who is pregnant and she doesn’t really get a mention. And surely the girlfriend has a family to support them too?

Kindly, I do think you are making everything about you. You concentrate on your life and let him and his girlfriend concentrate on theirs. You are being very foolish to put your life on hold for your brothers family.

It's all a bit me me me

Your post is insane

No idea why your letting your brother having a baby affect you having one...utterly bonkers

It sounds like he has adhd or similar. He has a decent job

He tells his parents when hes wobbly. Why are you so involved?

Very good post.

As others have said, don’t put your life on hold, have a baby if you want to and let your brother get on with his life.

Re. Your brother offloading on his parents and worrying them. Have you ever talked to him about how much this upsets them? He’s nearly 30 and he needs to start considering their feelings, not constantly burdening them. If he needs help for his anxiety, he should seek professional help, as others have suggested.

Parents may always be there for us, but at some point, we also have to grow up and take responsibility for ourselves.

I think this is where the real issue lies here - OP wanted their child to be the first grandchild and is put put that isn't the case now

I wonder why you feel your brothers issues are your responsibility to solve?

I can understand your mum (dad too?) feeling like it, but you are his sister. Were you expected to look after him growing up and therefore feel some responsibility there too?

I do feel the family dynamic needs to be looked into professionally because it doesn't sound healthy for anyone and very stressful all round. Would it be something you and your parents would consider, just to talk through the issues with a view to reframing it and reducing the stress?

You're being ridiculous. Your brother sounds like a classic undiagnosed ADHD. There's loads of us around, and it doesn't t make him in any way a bad.person or potential parent.

Your brother is an adult - he needs to learn to live his life in a way that he can cope with. Thankfully you and your parents are far away enough not to be on his doorstep and to have to step into whatever drama maybe going on. Offer verbal and moral support but that is it.
Look forward to planning your future and what will be - will be!!

This is a really unhealthy dynamic

You sound incredibly anxious. It's not healthy to be constantly worrying about other people lives, whoever they are, and there's a lot of mind reading going on too. Maybe some cognitive behavioural therapy would help, not meant to be snarky, you genuinely sound like you need help with catastrophising and anxiety.

I'd love to hear the brother's side of the story about his relationship with his sister and his parents.

I suspect the issue is more that he is having the first baby.

Look up codependency. You need to focus on your own life and stop thinking about / judging what your brother does!

It's a very unusual reaction to put off trying for a baby because of this. Life happens. People get ill, people die etc. These things may well happen when your child is young. You can't put off your own happiness because of worrying about others. My mum died before we started trying for a baby. If I'd have waited for the grief to be over then I probably wouldn't have kids. My sister was ttc knowing my mum had 6 months left to live. You have to just carry on sometimes. Maybe you need some therapy?

Lots of families have children born around the same time. That's why we mostly have cousins of similar ages. My own parents had 3 grandchildren born in one year, one each to 3 of their children. It's normal and natural and doesn't take anything away from another relationship.

Crack on and have your baby. Focus on your own family, have fun with your parents and leave your brother to get on with his life.

It doesn't affect you in the slightest, op. Stop putting yourself centre stage.

I wish we could have given my parents their first grandchild with not much to worry about as we are completely self sufficient and stable in our marriage
What is stopping you from giving them a grandchild now? You're still self-sufficient and stable in your marriage. Or do you mean that you wanted to give them their FIRST grandchild and now your brother has got in there before you?

Sounds to me like you all suffer from anxiety, you and your parents possibly more so than your brother - he is at least out there buying nice dinners while you and your parents don't dare live your own lives.

I understand where you're coming from, I really do, and it's ok to feel a bit rubbish about it.
Feel a bit rubbish, then give yourself a good shake, because it really doesn't matter.
It isn't a race or a competition, and he isn't your problem.
Keep trying, have the family you really want. Please don't let this stop you living the life you want.

Sounds to me like you all suffer from anxiety, you and your parents possibly more so than your brother - he is at least out there buying nice dinners while you and your parents don't dare live your own lives.

I completely agree with this.

I also think that the OP's self sufficiently and stability is possibly driven by anxiety around all the things that could go wrong if they don't do everything 'right'. If that's the case, a baby could cause further anxiety because babies/children rarely play by the rules.

Why have you and your husband held off from trying for a baby since your brother's news?

Why does anyone else's pregnancy or trying for a baby affect your own family planning?

Thank you so much for your response. I needed to read this, it is to the point and spot on. I understand I sound self centered and don’t mean to at all. I think I am always desperate to please people and have difficulty separating others emotions from mine.

I had heard of catastrophising but never heard of enmeshment and this is exactly my experience upon researching.
I am going to reach out to a therapist and try to work on this. I have spent years trying to work out if there was a term and cause for what I have experienced/felt.

Thank you again.

Thank you for such a lovely message, I must say it felt like a bit of a virtual hug which was needed x

Mind your own business.

Enjoy getting on with your own life.