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Original poster

Would this put men off?

66 replies

Clumsy12345 · 22/07/2024 21:00

I would like to start dating again however my ex has the children at my house, would I be able to date in this situation or will men find it too weird? Is anyone in this situation and did it put people off? I am looking for a long term relationship (I’m guessing it will be less of a problem in a casual one) also I’m not 100% certain he would have the children here whilst I go out on dates as he confessed to still having feelings for me (absolutely no chance would I go back there and told him) and I don’t think I would be able to lie and pretend I was going out with friends as he knows I don’t really have any. Would I be able to meet someone or would this put people off?

OP posts:
OptimismvsRealism · 22/07/2024 21:01

No this is absurd why can't he have them at his? What's the plan - bring guys back for a snog on the sofa while your ex is making up lunch boxes in the background?

Original poster
Clumsy12345 · 22/07/2024 21:02

OptimismvsRealism · 22/07/2024 21:01

No this is absurd why can't he have them at his? What's the plan - bring guys back for a snog on the sofa while your ex is making up lunch boxes in the background?

No of course they won’t be coming back here we would go on dates and I would go to theirs??

OP posts:
OptimismvsRealism · 22/07/2024 21:06

Clumsy12345 · 22/07/2024 21:02

No of course they won’t be coming back here we would go on dates and I would go to theirs??

Show quote history

So you'll just never have your long term partner back to your secret Bluebeard house? Sounds very appealing and sane.

lokomoko · 22/07/2024 21:10

Go for it OP, you don't really have any other options by the sound of it! I am in a similar situation in that all care is done at my house so if I want a night out my ex comes over and looks after my kid. It's not ideal but his place just is not suitable for having kids over. And if a guy is genuinely interested he will work around it - if not he's not worth dating!

Original poster
Clumsy12345 · 22/07/2024 21:23

lokomoko · 22/07/2024 21:10

Go for it OP, you don't really have any other options by the sound of it! I am in a similar situation in that all care is done at my house so if I want a night out my ex comes over and looks after my kid. It's not ideal but his place just is not suitable for having kids over. And if a guy is genuinely interested he will work around it - if not he's not worth dating!

Thank you yes he can’t have the kids at his so he comes here to see them. Other people suggested it to me I never considered it before as I thought people may find it too weird but they said it was fine and shouldn’t put anyone off.

OP posts:
altmember · 23/07/2024 01:16

Initially it'd be ok - you just wouldn't be able to bring a bloke back to yours. I'd be inclined not to tell your date what the situation is (easy enough to say your kids are at home with childcare) until things start to get serious. And by then your ex will need to find a way to have the children somewhere else. Otherwise it'll get really messy. Most decent men probably wouldn't mind your ex visiting your house to have his kids, as long as he isn't staying overnight while you're there.

Fizzib · 23/07/2024 01:22

OptimismvsRealism · 22/07/2024 21:06

So you'll just never have your long term partner back to your secret Bluebeard house? Sounds very appealing and sane.

Show quote history

I agree. Some men would be ok with it
no doubt as everyone is different but many wouldn’t.

Personally I would be out of there so quick if a man said his ex comes to take care of their kids at his house AND especially if I found out said ex had feelings for him. No way. That’s just messy and I don’t like mess.

I wouldn’t be comfortable ever going round to his house for a start and would feel she’s too close for comfort.

ComtesseDeSpair · 23/07/2024 03:28

I’m with Fizzib on this. There’s not a chance I’d date someone with your set up. It’s messy and has the potential for drama. It might not put some men off, but you’ll vastly reduce your dating pool, and a lot of that reduction will be the decent men who aren’t interested in mess and drama and have enough going for them that they have their pick and can choose to date women in less complicated set ups - basically, the men you’d actually want to date.

Your ex needs to sort his living situation so that you can both separate your lives properly and move on. If that means having the DC at e.g. a hotel or his parents’ house when it’s his nights, that’s what he has to suck up. At some point you simply have to refuse to allow him to stay at your house.

Highlighta · 23/07/2024 05:58

Are you sure this set up is not more so that your ex can keep an eye on you and what you are up to.

You are already having issues dating because of it. I think it might be working for him.

Floofydawg · 23/07/2024 06:12

Why can't he have the kids at his? You can't even begin to move on when your ex is still so present in your home. No way would I allow this set-up and yes, a lot of men would find it odd.

Mairzydotes · 23/07/2024 07:43

If a thread on here was a reverse and said their new man was at his exs often to see the kids , there would be posts relpying this was a red flag, that he wasn't actually splitting up with his dw, that she was unaware their marriage was over and he was dating.

Although some men don't like to be out of their ex dw household actively prevent her from dating.

C1N1C · 23/07/2024 07:50

Man here... nooooooo. Hard pass.

9/10 men would probably spend enough time getting to know you for sex to happen, then use your situation as a get out of jail free card.

I dated a girl who was living with an ex purely for getting him a visa or something (pretend to live in the uk with an established partner for 3 years and you get residency or something). Nothing was happening, no kids, separate rooms... still a firm no.

ReadingTrain · 23/07/2024 07:57

I thought people may find it too weird but they said it was fine and shouldn’t put anyone off.

In the context of dating for a long term relationship, I don't think it's accurate to say it shouldn't put anyone off. Of course it will put some men off dating you. However, there are people dating and even marrying in all sorts of set ups and ignoring all the red flags in the world so someone somewhere might be ok with this. I think it also depends on why your ex has to come over and whether this is a temporary arrangement.

It might be worth asking again on a forum with more male audience.

cupcaske123 · 23/07/2024 08:04

Surely your ex looking after the children at yours is a temporary solution, not long term. He needs to sort out his living situation so that he has the children there.

BCBird · 23/07/2024 08:04

Woman here. I woukd not date a man in these circumstances. Potentially too much hassle.

cauliflowercheeseplease · 23/07/2024 08:08

@Clumsy12345 why can't your ex have the children at his?

I definitely wouldn't be bringing back a date if my ex partner was at my house with the children, especially if he still had feelings for me. Very strange for the children as well!

M74 · 23/07/2024 08:12

Man here...

Wouldn't touch that situation with a barge pole. At least, I couldn't become emotionally attached to a woman with those circumstances. Maybe if I wanted a shag and she was the only option I'd have her round at mine but I couldn't invest emotionally in someone with those circumstances.

You need to clean up the mess and then think about getting involved with someone new. Why can't he have the kids at his? Sounds like he needs a good kick and telling to sort himself out.

MrsTartanTeacosy · 23/07/2024 08:22

My exH used to have the kids at mine at weekends, he lived at work and supposedly children were not allowed there. I was trying to see someone, so would be at theirs these weekends. In theory, it should have worked - but my ex started behaving as if he had a say in my house/my life, he added crap to my computer to spy on what I was doing on it, and I even found a camera he’d hidden in my home! The children were not the priority.

I really would advise people to be cautious about allowing exes in to their homes.

DaisyChain505 · 23/07/2024 08:28

Why is he having the children at your house?

this isn’t a sustainable plan going forward and it just sends your children and him mixed messages.

I could understand if it was temporary whilst he was finding somewhere to live etc but realistically that should be sorted quickly.

I wouldn’t want to date someone who had their ex in their home still especially knowing feelings were still involved.

arethereanyleftatall · 23/07/2024 08:31

It's absolutely fine op. Go for it.

The reason it's fine is because the second time around (or third, fourth, whatever) everyone has baggage/something going on that needs to be worked upon.

I wonder if the first and other responders who have said it's weird are basing it on a normal first time no kids 20/30 yr olds relationship. Because yes then it would be weird.

After kids? Not so much.

Go for it.

janeintheframe · 23/07/2024 08:33

Why can’t he have them at his? I’m sure you know it isn’t sustainable to have a relationship when you’re so entwined with your ex that any new partner can’t come to your house. Your ex needs to get to a position he can have his kids at his home.

Moontoboon · 23/07/2024 08:37

I don’t think it would be a problem. I always go to a guy’s rather than have them at mine, even as a young woman. Never put men off. I had to be in a serious committed relationship before a guy knew where I lived, and even then they rarely came to mine.

If I stated dating with kids, I doubt I’d ever have the guy at mine, even if the kids were not there.

arethereanyleftatall · 23/07/2024 08:38

I'm really surprised at the responses.

If someone posted 'I'm divorced and the only way for their father to see their children is at my house due to *reason.'

The responses would be along the lines of - it's lovely that you get on well enough to do this if it's the only option to keep a relationship with their father. Well done you two for being so emotionally mature and putting the dc first.

If a potential partner doesn't have the maturity to understand that/cba to, then you wouldn't want them anyway.,

  • amd reason could be so many things - he's living with OW who children don't want anything to do with, he's sofa surfing, he's got a tiny flat, he lives 100 floors up with no space, etc etc
Moontoboon · 23/07/2024 08:39

M74 · 23/07/2024 08:12

Man here...

Wouldn't touch that situation with a barge pole. At least, I couldn't become emotionally attached to a woman with those circumstances. Maybe if I wanted a shag and she was the only option I'd have her round at mine but I couldn't invest emotionally in someone with those circumstances.

You need to clean up the mess and then think about getting involved with someone new. Why can't he have the kids at his? Sounds like he needs a good kick and telling to sort himself out.

Surely if this living arrangement deters men who think things like ‘I need a shag and she’s my only option’, then that’s a good reason to continue with it.

M74 · 23/07/2024 08:44

Moontoboon · 23/07/2024 08:39

Surely if this living arrangement deters men who think things like ‘I need a shag and she’s my only option’, then that’s a good reason to continue with it.

Show quote history

I think you've misunderstood me. If I just wanted a shag and not to become emotionally involved I'd be fine with her arrangement - it wouldn't deter me because she'd just be scratching an itch for me. On the other hand, if I wanted an emotionally committed relationship I would be put off as I couldn't open myself up to someone who had that kind of situation going on.

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