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Original poster

Would this put men off?

66 replies

Clumsy12345 · 22/07/2024 21:00

I would like to start dating again however my ex has the children at my house, would I be able to date in this situation or will men find it too weird? Is anyone in this situation and did it put people off? I am looking for a long term relationship (I’m guessing it will be less of a problem in a casual one) also I’m not 100% certain he would have the children here whilst I go out on dates as he confessed to still having feelings for me (absolutely no chance would I go back there and told him) and I don’t think I would be able to lie and pretend I was going out with friends as he knows I don’t really have any. Would I be able to meet someone or would this put people off?

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 23/07/2024 08:50

@M74 it's you who misunderstood her. Her point was that it's a good thing if men are put off by this, easy way to spot the losers.

TheCadoganArms · 23/07/2024 08:59

Dating someone with kids requires a fair bit of flexibility and understanding but I would not be drawn to the kind of set up you describe. As others have said it just seems ripe for drama, especially if your ex who is still holding a torch for you is literally still in the house. I think you would be better off sorting out some clear demarcation between you and your ex first before looking for a long term relationship.

AccountCreateUsername · 23/07/2024 09:06

There’s nothing wrong with having some casual, itch scratching relationships before being ready for something lasting. I wouldn’t have dreamed of introducing the first 2 men I was seeing post marriage break up to friends or family.

OP clear boundaries with your ex are vital.
Many men would be extremely happy to have a casual sexual friendship, so fill your boots and have some fun!

AccountCreateUsername · 23/07/2024 09:08

@arethereanyleftatall i think most people would find OPs situation off putting if they wanted something serious. OP doesn’t seem ready for a ltr if the ex is on the scene and hanging about

OrlandointheWilderness · 23/07/2024 09:15

No, I wouldn't date a man who did this. Too messy and too close.

arethereanyleftatall · 23/07/2024 09:22

Did I read the op differently?

All this is is a situation where the op gets on well enough with her ex to coparent as best they can. Do people really prefer situations where they are at each others throats and can't be in the same house?

On any thread talking solely about coparenting, it is unanimously applauded if you get on well.

As I said before, if someone doesn't have the emotional maturity or trust to handle this, they aren't someone you want anyway.

AgentJohnson · 23/07/2024 09:23

Eww! No, no and no. Come on OP, your Ex still wants the relationship, can you imagine being the child in the middle of that head fuck.

Date, have fun, use hotels and your Ex need's to source a new contact location.

ToofHurty · 23/07/2024 09:24

If I was dating a man who said I couldn’t go back to his house because his ex comes over to his place to mind the kids, I’d assume he is still married.

It’s not a situation that I personally would entertain but I’m sure there will be some types of people who will be fine with it.

Iloveyoubut · 23/07/2024 09:24

Sorry, it’s an absolute shit show OP. You need to sort out your situation properly before you start thinking about dating. Getting ready to go out on a date with your ex who still has feelings for you watching that unfold whilst he’s in charge of the kids in your home… and you’re thinking about lying about it all… nothing wrong with dating at all but this isn’t going to be great for anyone. I think you need to sort out your co parenting arrangements and establish boundaries before you think about anything else.

Iloveyoubut · 23/07/2024 09:27

arethereanyleftatall · 23/07/2024 08:50

@M74 it's you who misunderstood her. Her point was that it's a good thing if men are put off by this, easy way to spot the losers.

Why would they be a loser though for not wanting to get involved in a situation that’s pretty messy and has the potential for disaster. It’s totally dysfunctional and I’d consider a guy who didn’t want to get involved to have decent boundaries tbh.

AccountCreateUsername · 23/07/2024 09:32

arethereanyleftatall · 23/07/2024 09:22

Did I read the op differently?

All this is is a situation where the op gets on well enough with her ex to coparent as best they can. Do people really prefer situations where they are at each others throats and can't be in the same house?

On any thread talking solely about coparenting, it is unanimously applauded if you get on well.

As I said before, if someone doesn't have the emotional maturity or trust to handle this, they aren't someone you want anyway.

It’s great for the kids, just not for a relationship or a new potential partner. OP is fresh out of a relationship with the father of her kids, maybe waiting before going into the next big thing is actually sensible?

I think very many people would see this as a messy situation and the OP and a bit of a 🚩 (sorry OP)

I’d be wary of the men who were ok with this situation outside of a fwb situation

WalkingThroughTreacle · 23/07/2024 09:34

I think many would be suspicious that you are still together. That probably wouldn't put off someone who was just after a casual fling but I think it would be a big issue for someone genuinely looking for a committed relationship.

There is a bigger issue here though. You need to draw a line in the sand. You say he can't have the children at his. That may or may not be true but it is his problem to solve, not yours by letting him come into your home. As he is still has feelings for you are just giving him false hope, holing both of you back from moving on. He wants to be with you so he is not going to find an alternative way to spend time with them as long as you let him come to yours.

Original poster
Clumsy12345 · 23/07/2024 09:41

just to answer a few questions we are not fresh out of a relationship we split up years ago i just wasn’t ready to date until now. he mentioned he had feelings for me last year but i shut that down (nothing since) he lives in a flat share and i assume that’s all he can afford i’ve been waiting years for him to sort it out and he hasn’t so there’s not a lot i can do there.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 23/07/2024 09:41

This all seems very unfair on the op though. 'Too messy' that her ex still fancies her. Hardly her fault is it? And the op hasn't said she's fresh out of the relationship.

Original poster
Clumsy12345 · 23/07/2024 09:42

arethereanyleftatall · 23/07/2024 09:41

This all seems very unfair on the op though. 'Too messy' that her ex still fancies her. Hardly her fault is it? And the op hasn't said she's fresh out of the relationship.

thank you no we are not fresh out of a relationship we split up years ago i just didn’t want to date back then. my life is basically on hold. i’m not looking for anything causal i would like a partner.

OP posts:
TheLastTimeEver · 23/07/2024 09:47

I had this situation for about a year after I separated from my exH. Until we sold the FH I stayed there with the kids. He rented a flat and every other weekend he would come over and stay in the house with the kids.

I did start seeing someone almost right at the start of this arrangement (which when I look back now was very handy as I actually don’t know where else I would have stayed every other weekend for a year my friends would have got sick of me 😂).

we are still together 4 years later. He wasn’t ever hugely comfortable in that house understandably. He did say that at the time quite a few friends warned him off that I’d end up going back to my ex etc but he did like me enough to keep going with it despite the “emeshment”. Ours had a finite time oh it due to kids exams etc. He could see I was moving on with looking for a new house etc.

We since sold the FH and each my ex and I have our own homes big enough for the kids. My bf and I still don’t live together though.

TheLastTimeEver · 23/07/2024 09:48

Clumsy12345 · 23/07/2024 09:42

thank you no we are not fresh out of a relationship we split up years ago i just didn’t want to date back then. my life is basically on hold. i’m not looking for anything causal i would like a partner.

Show quote history

Go for it @Clumsy12345 ! Life is short 😀

DaisyChain505 · 23/07/2024 09:48

Clumsy12345 · 23/07/2024 09:41

just to answer a few questions we are not fresh out of a relationship we split up years ago i just wasn’t ready to date until now. he mentioned he had feelings for me last year but i shut that down (nothing since) he lives in a flat share and i assume that’s all he can afford i’ve been waiting years for him to sort it out and he hasn’t so there’s not a lot i can do there.

Living in a flat share doesn’t give the excuse for him to still be having the kids at your house.

do you go out whilst he’s at your house with them so he’s actually the sole parent in charge or is he just visiting them with you still parenting meaning he’s not really taking responsibility of them?

I would be telling him the situation had gone on long enough and he needs to start having them by himself out of your house and overnight etc. you’re just confusing the children and bringing someone else into this situation will just be messy.

arethereanyleftatall · 23/07/2024 09:49

I don't think you've got anything to lose by going for it op.

I think many of the responders here simply haven't done round 2 of dating yet, so aren't really aware that situations like this are fairly normal.

I did it a few years ago. Can't be arsed now, happy single. But - stuff like this or similar comes up often. You would be cutting off your dating pool if you want someone with zero baggage. You either trust the person you're with, or you don't.

Go for it.

ReadingTrain · 23/07/2024 11:07

The fact you said he disclosed feelings for you and this has been going on for years is a massive red flag. Maybe in some socio-economics this set up is common place and so if you dated a guy from a poorer background with many single parents in his circle he might be more sympathetic and understanding. You might meet a single dad who lives in a flat share and does the same thing as your ex to see his children.

For me this is just too messy. I wouldn't date a man too poor to have a property that can adequately house his children that he has to go to his ex's home to see them. Poor finances, blurred boundaries I just know I could find someone with less complications than this. But someone else who is in this position or his sister or friends are doing this he might see it as no big deal.

pinkyredrose · 23/07/2024 11:11

Why can't he have the kids at his?

Comedycook · 23/07/2024 11:11

Is there no one who can babysit for you? Why can you only date when your ex has the kids. And you don't have to lie or tell the truth about where you are going....you don't answer to him.

Original poster
Clumsy12345 · 23/07/2024 11:18

he can’t have them because he lives in a flat share, im pretty relieved he isn’t trying to have them there as i don’t want my kids in his flat share with people i don’t know, i don’t think it’s suitable. no there is no one else that will babysit my children (on a regular basis no)

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 23/07/2024 11:22

Clumsy12345 · 23/07/2024 11:18

he can’t have them because he lives in a flat share, im pretty relieved he isn’t trying to have them there as i don’t want my kids in his flat share with people i don’t know, i don’t think it’s suitable. no there is no one else that will babysit my children (on a regular basis no)

Surely he knows his housemates well by now? Does he think they're dangerous or something?

ReadingTrain · 23/07/2024 11:26

And what will happen if you or your future partner wants to live together what will then happen to the dads visits/sleepovers? Unless of course you want to live apart with a committed long term partner... which is another complication and niche that will further narrow the dating pool down. I'm not saying impossible, I just think it will put off many men.