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Original poster

Wasting my time?

55 replies

italiansummer · 22/07/2024 18:31

I met my partner almost 9 years ago and I'm now 32. I have always kind of felt an imbalance in our relationship and like I hard to work to be good enough for him as he wouldn't be "official" for a very long time. We have lived together for a few years now and feel like we are at a standstill. He has known for a long time that I want to get married and I feel he just keeps putting me off. He had also been very avoidant when it comes to the subject of kids but has recently admitted he really doesn't want them. I am still not 100% sure if I do so that's not a complete deal breaker for me. I think he just doesn't make me feel valued. He is quite dismissive of my opinions and his views are always more important. We spend loads of time with his family and friends but he never spends any time with mine. He rarely helps around the house and again I feel I have to work harder in terms of chores, walking the dog. I also really don't like where we live and want to move but he has outright said he doesn't want to so we're not.

I recently told him I have doubts about our future and I have been unhappy for a while. He's now acting a lot nicer and helping around the house etc. When I asked him what's changed he said it's because I have been nice to him for a change. I think he is trying to bring more to the relationship but I just don't know if I could be happy with him and in a house that I don't like coming home to. I think I am just venting this all out but part of me loves him and wants to try and scared to start over. But the other part of me is worrying that I am just wasting my time here and should get out?

OP posts:
ThatsCute · 22/07/2024 18:33

9 years without an engagement is too long in my book. You’ll end up wasting your childbearing years on this guy.

xyz111 · 22/07/2024 18:35

It doesn't sound like a loving relationship. He's only helping out as he saw a risk in you leaving and he doesn't want to do things himself. He'll soon go back into his own ways. You deserve so much better.

UltramarineViolet · 22/07/2024 18:37

I'm afraid I agree with replies above

If he isn't sure if he wants to marry you after 9 years then I doubt he ever will be

Get out and enjoy life while you're still young

leeverarch · 22/07/2024 18:38

You are wasting your time and you need to get out.

Funny that the minute you tell him you had doubts about the future that all of a sudden he starts being all nice again. And then he tells you that the reason he's being nice to you is because your attitude has changed and you are being nice to him for once. He's a lying toad. If you stay with him, he will keep stringing you along about does he/doesn't he want kids, until for you it's too late, even if you did leave him and find someone else.

Original poster
italiansummer · 22/07/2024 18:43

Sadly I think I know you are right. I keep trying to ignore my gut but keep stressing about it all and I also don't want to be a pushy girlfriend demanding that we get married etc as I feel if he wanted that he would do it himself

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 22/07/2024 18:53

He rarely helps around the house

What do you mean by "help"? Unless you are disabled and he's physically assisting you, he's not helping, he's just... Doing significantly less than he should be as a grown man who doesn't have a housemaid? By the sounds of it anyway.

Rachel2478 · 22/07/2024 18:56

Hi OP, I totally understand your situation. I just recently left my 4 year relationship as there was zero sign of commitment, and any willingness to commit either. Although there are differences to our situations, I felt the exact same way as you do, and it’s been very difficult but I know deep down it has been the right decision.

My advice is to value yourself, walk away and see what happens

Original poster
italiansummer · 22/07/2024 19:23

Rachel2478 · 22/07/2024 18:56

Hi OP, I totally understand your situation. I just recently left my 4 year relationship as there was zero sign of commitment, and any willingness to commit either. Although there are differences to our situations, I felt the exact same way as you do, and it’s been very difficult but I know deep down it has been the right decision.

My advice is to value yourself, walk away and see what happens

Sorry you've been through similar and wishing you all the best 💐It really does feel hard as it's not like I don't love him but just doesn't feel enough. I feel like everyone around me is getting married and I'm just sat here wondering why the same isn't happening for me and ultimately feeling not good enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
italiansummer · 22/07/2024 19:24

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 22/07/2024 18:53

He rarely helps around the house

What do you mean by "help"? Unless you are disabled and he's physically assisting you, he's not helping, he's just... Doing significantly less than he should be as a grown man who doesn't have a housemaid? By the sounds of it anyway.

He makes it feel like it's my job really which I'm not sure how it ended up that way. He's made jokes about me not doing my job well ie missing stuff on the housework front and just doesn't see it as his responsibility as he would do stuff like change lightbulbs or unclog the drain when needed etc

OP posts:
alwayslearning789 · 22/07/2024 19:42

italiansummer · 22/07/2024 19:23

Sorry you've been through similar and wishing you all the best 💐It really does feel hard as it's not like I don't love him but just doesn't feel enough. I feel like everyone around me is getting married and I'm just sat here wondering why the same isn't happening for me and ultimately feeling not good enough.

Show quote history

It's absolutely okay @italiansummer ... to Love Yourself more

Give yourself a chance for better. 9 years is a really long time to be treated like this.

Hope you find the strength and self love to set yourself free...

Original poster
italiansummer · 22/07/2024 20:03

alwayslearning789 · 22/07/2024 19:42

It's absolutely okay @italiansummer ... to Love Yourself more

Give yourself a chance for better. 9 years is a really long time to be treated like this.

Hope you find the strength and self love to set yourself free...

Show quote history

Thank you 😊

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 22/07/2024 20:08

He makes it feel like it's my job really which I'm not sure how it ended up that way. He's made jokes about me not doing my job well ie missing stuff on the housework front and just doesn't see it as his responsibility as he would do stuff like change lightbulbs or unclog the drain when needed etc

I hate him and I don't know him. What's loveable?

Neveranynamesleft · 22/07/2024 20:11

Life is too short.
Time to take a deep breath and move on.....

CheekyHobson · 22/07/2024 20:28

If my partner told me that he was being nicer to me because I had “started being nice to him for once” I would send him on his way for showing such a gross
level of contempt for me.

He doesn’t appreciate or value you. Think about all the nice things you’ve done for him over many years, all the effort you’ve made (including taking care of what sounds like far more than your fair share of the household responsibilities) and realise that this over-entitled pig has just told you he doesn’t appreciate any of it.

He has somehow managed to turn you treating him well into a stick to beat you with. Throw him back, you can find someone who will value you a lot more than this.

Original poster
italiansummer · 22/07/2024 20:52

CheekyHobson · 22/07/2024 20:28

If my partner told me that he was being nicer to me because I had “started being nice to him for once” I would send him on his way for showing such a gross
level of contempt for me.

He doesn’t appreciate or value you. Think about all the nice things you’ve done for him over many years, all the effort you’ve made (including taking care of what sounds like far more than your fair share of the household responsibilities) and realise that this over-entitled pig has just told you he doesn’t appreciate any of it.

He has somehow managed to turn you treating him well into a stick to beat you with. Throw him back, you can find someone who will value you a lot more than this.

That's true! I think my expectations have gotten so low that I don't even realise that's treating me with contempt.

OP posts:
bouncybouncingboobies · 22/07/2024 20:58

What is he waiting for after 9 years. His behaviour isn’t going to change long term. Get rid quickly and find someone who doesn’t take you for granted. You deserve so much better.

Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 22/07/2024 21:02

I just don't know if I could be happy with him and in a house that I don't like coming home to.

The answer is No, OP. Don’t waste any more years with him.

Chocolately · 22/07/2024 21:06

He sounds like a dud, you can do better. Throw him back, and raise your standards.

Original poster
italiansummer · 22/07/2024 21:52

Thanks all. I feel if I don't think about the long term we just get on fine and I like spending time with him but I really don't feel like it's going anywhere and scared about wasting my life waiting for him to commit to me 🙁and yeah I don't feel valued, I think taking me for granted is exactly what's happening in so many ways.

OP posts:
Horses7 · 22/07/2024 22:11

You deserve better

FinallyHere · 22/07/2024 22:13

don't want to be a pushy girlfriend

It might feel hard now, but you totally deserve to be with someone who wants to be married to you, someone who considers that you are the best thing in their life.

Got get that for yourself. All the best.

FinallyHere · 22/07/2024 22:15

He makes it feel like it's my job really which I'm not sure how it ended up that way. He's made jokes about me not doing my job

Hope you are waking up to how bad this relationship is for you. Why do you even want to marry someone like this.

Quite the catch, isn't he. Not.

pictoosh · 22/07/2024 22:27

How would you feel if you stayed on then BOOM he meets someone else and starts a family with her?
I know that's a horrible thought but this happens...meanwhile you're mid-thirties.

He's a selfish man who's content to string you along.
Can you rely on him sticking with you?

Sorry to be a black cloud of suspicion and doom but that's what occurred to me.

Babbahabba · 22/07/2024 22:37

You've been with him most of your adult life- since you were fairly young. You've been almost conditioned into believing this is normal as it's what you've matured with. You deserve better and you're still young OP- don't waste any more time on him.

Dery · 22/07/2024 22:37

@italiansummer - he doesn’t sound like a catch, OP. He doesn’t sound particularly pleasant and it sounds like he doesn’t even like you very much. Frankly, I think it’s a good thing you’re not married. You’re only 32 - you could have another 50 or 60 years ahead of you - perhaps more. You surely don’t want to spend them with this guy. Time to cut your losses and move on.