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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wasting my time?

55 replies

italiansummer · 22/07/2024 18:31

I met my partner almost 9 years ago and I'm now 32. I have always kind of felt an imbalance in our relationship and like I hard to work to be good enough for him as he wouldn't be "official" for a very long time. We have lived together for a few years now and feel like we are at a standstill. He has known for a long time that I want to get married and I feel he just keeps putting me off. He had also been very avoidant when it comes to the subject of kids but has recently admitted he really doesn't want them. I am still not 100% sure if I do so that's not a complete deal breaker for me. I think he just doesn't make me feel valued. He is quite dismissive of my opinions and his views are always more important. We spend loads of time with his family and friends but he never spends any time with mine. He rarely helps around the house and again I feel I have to work harder in terms of chores, walking the dog. I also really don't like where we live and want to move but he has outright said he doesn't want to so we're not.

I recently told him I have doubts about our future and I have been unhappy for a while. He's now acting a lot nicer and helping around the house etc. When I asked him what's changed he said it's because I have been nice to him for a change. I think he is trying to bring more to the relationship but I just don't know if I could be happy with him and in a house that I don't like coming home to. I think I am just venting this all out but part of me loves him and wants to try and scared to start over. But the other part of me is worrying that I am just wasting my time here and should get out?

OP posts:
Original poster
italiansummer · 23/07/2024 06:42

Dery · 22/07/2024 22:37

@italiansummer - he doesn’t sound like a catch, OP. He doesn’t sound particularly pleasant and it sounds like he doesn’t even like you very much. Frankly, I think it’s a good thing you’re not married. You’re only 32 - you could have another 50 or 60 years ahead of you - perhaps more. You surely don’t want to spend them with this guy. Time to cut your losses and move on.

You're right, it's a long time! I suppose I am holding on to the fact we have fun together etc but I think it's just not enough long term and worried about ending up wasting my 30s realising that!

OP posts:
LilacRaven · 23/07/2024 07:09

At 32 years I had been with my partner 11 years and we are still fully in love and best friends. He puts me first, makes me feel special, makes plans to do things together, listens and appreciates my opinions. I feel like we are a team.

My point is you deserve this too so if you're not happy ditch him. For me personally it wouldn't matter if he is making an effort 9years in if he has been taking you for granted all the time before as he will go back to his old ways as that is clearly who he is. Also never have kids with him based on what you've said as his behaviour will get worse and you'll get trapped.

Dery · 23/07/2024 07:46

@italiansummer - how much fun do you actually have? Because what you’re describing doesn’t sound much fun.

And you can have fun with friends - they don’t need to be your life partner.

I’ve just re-read your OP - you say you had to work hard to get him to commit and he took ages to do that. I agree that doesn’t sound brilliant. A good relationship shouldn’t be so effortful. He just doesn’t sound worth a lifetime commitment.

There are no guarantees. It’s possible you won’t meet someone else. But most of us do in time. And he just doesn’t sound like a good enough partner for you to stay with.

LightDrizzle · 23/07/2024 07:55

My friend was in relationship like this for over a decade except he didn’t entirely rule out children in the future and she had always been clear she wanted them. Despite her being amazing (and gorgeous) it also seemed imbalanced in terms of effort and commitment. They did eventually break up but not until she was mid-thirties. Within two years he was married and had a small child. She was heartbroken.

It sounds like your relationship was imbalanced from the off and I don’t thing there’s any way to get him to “see” your value now and want to change a relationship that has been working for him. It’s hard after 9 years but imagine staying and those years stretching on, seeing your friends marry and have adventures and perhaps children with besotted partners while your partner permits you to be with him in a lukewarm way.

AquaFurball · 23/07/2024 08:09

italiansummer · 23/07/2024 06:42

You're right, it's a long time! I suppose I am holding on to the fact we have fun together etc but I think it's just not enough long term and worried about ending up wasting my 30s realising that!

Show quote history

You've already wasted your twenties on him, don't waste your thirties.

You might not want children or you might, either way you definitely don't want them with this man who is showing you he has no respect for you and won't pull his weight.

You deserve someone who puts in as much effort into making you happy as you do into making them happy. Someone who values your feelings as much as their own, who wants to share your family and friends with you too.

Don't wait til you are 40 to realise the best thing you can do in a relationship is to love yourself first and know your worth.

It's scary making the decision to leave, but it's a whole lot scarier making the next 9 years all about what he wants while you are his supporting act.

Original poster
italiansummer · 23/07/2024 08:22

LightDrizzle · 23/07/2024 07:55

My friend was in relationship like this for over a decade except he didn’t entirely rule out children in the future and she had always been clear she wanted them. Despite her being amazing (and gorgeous) it also seemed imbalanced in terms of effort and commitment. They did eventually break up but not until she was mid-thirties. Within two years he was married and had a small child. She was heartbroken.

It sounds like your relationship was imbalanced from the off and I don’t thing there’s any way to get him to “see” your value now and want to change a relationship that has been working for him. It’s hard after 9 years but imagine staying and those years stretching on, seeing your friends marry and have adventures and perhaps children with besotted partners while your partner permits you to be with him in a lukewarm way.

imagine staying and those years stretching on, seeing your friends marry and have adventures and perhaps children with besotted partners while your partner permits you to be with him in a lukewarm way.

This is literally how life feels right now. The thing I find hard is that any time I confront it, he says I am his best friendand he loves me, can't imagine life without me so it makes it feel really confusing as if he loves me and I'm his best friend, why doesn't he want to commit to that. I do worry that I leave and he meets someone straight away and all his shit about not wanting kids etc is just not wanting them with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
italiansummer · 23/07/2024 08:23

AquaFurball · 23/07/2024 08:09

You've already wasted your twenties on him, don't waste your thirties.

You might not want children or you might, either way you definitely don't want them with this man who is showing you he has no respect for you and won't pull his weight.

You deserve someone who puts in as much effort into making you happy as you do into making them happy. Someone who values your feelings as much as their own, who wants to share your family and friends with you too.

Don't wait til you are 40 to realise the best thing you can do in a relationship is to love yourself first and know your worth.

It's scary making the decision to leave, but it's a whole lot scarier making the next 9 years all about what he wants while you are his supporting act.

Show quote history

You're so right I do feel like his supporting act! I'm going along with how he wants his life to be while he avoids any commitment to me because that's not what he wants. I suppose it feels hard to leave but probably a lot easier at 32 than in another 9 years time 😕

OP posts:
Olika · 23/07/2024 08:31

Don't waste more time on him. There's no point in being with someone who isn't progressing the relationship with you as a team. It sounds like you two just exist in your relationship without a direction. You even say you are ignoring your gut which is telling you everything you really need to know what you should do.

lowflyingtitties · 23/07/2024 08:32

It is hard to make that final jump @italiansummer . You have moulded your life to accommodate him, it will feel very overwhelming to put your needs first for a change.
Think of it like this, if you stay, which is your right, he will not change, the relationship will not change. The dynamic you have is so entrenched, it cannot be changed, him helping is only very temporary until he knows you are not going anywhere. So, if you stay you need to accept that how you feel now, is how you will feel for the rest of your life.
If you leave, I hope you will, get yourself in therapy. It would be the biggest gift for yourself. You need to figure out why you have been so accommodating and eager to suppress your wants and needs for this man who sounds so lacking. Therapy will give you the best chance of not repeating the same behaviours in your next relationship. You need to see your worth my love.

tinkertailorsoldierpie · 23/07/2024 08:35

I could have written this myself, OP! About 2 years ago, I started having serious doubts about the relationship I was in. Together 9 years (like you!), jointly owned a house, and things were going fine. That was until over time, there were imbalances going on, and needs weren't being met. I was bending over backwards, doing so much for him, but I wasn't having that reciprocated.

I told him from the very start I would have liked to have been married by 30. 30 came and went, so did 31, 32, 33 etc. It never happened. I tried talking to him about it, but he wasn't interested, or he would drop hints he was open to it.

Secondly, neither of us wanted children, and all of the contraception was left up to me. In the end, I had to come off it due to some cancer concerns, and he offered to get the snip, but again, like with the marriage thing, kept putting it off and dodging the question. He then suggested I pay out of pocket to get sterilised myself as it was 'my decision'. And no matter how much I told him no, that it's a joint decision for us both to make, he didn't give a fuck. This really damaged our relationship and it put me off having sex with him, wondering why I should put myself through something so invasive, expensive and dangerous on his say so.

The final straw that broke the camel's back in our situation was, similarly to you, that I wanted to move on and eventually live a life out of the very small and dismal town we settled in. I remember asking him if he wanted to stay there for the rest of his life, in a house he admitted to not being that keen on, and my heart breaking when he said he would. All because it was close to his mum's house and his job. It was no where near mine, so at that point, I knew where I stood.

I over the past 18 months, I tormented myself, wondering if I was being selfish and calling myself an idiot for not being happy with what we had. But I wasn't. A lot of other things happened to, and while I still loved him, I wasn't in love with him because he'd gone against everything he'd promised to me when we first started dating and during our relationship. I loved him for who he used to be, and not who he had turned into. It hurt, and was so incredibly painful I put off leaving him for about a year, that was until about November of last year where I said enough was enough. I couldn't do it any more, and didn't feel it was fair on either of us for to carry on when we could both be out there living the lives we deserved.

This man did not want to move, did not want to travel, did not want me to do anything but spend all my time with him and neglect my own growth. In the time we've been apart, I've traveled by myself, made new friends, taken up new hobbies and life has been amazing.

I am now living with family while I sort parts of my life out and figure out what I want to do, but I can honestly say, it was the biggest, bravest and scariest decision I've ever made. And ultimately, the best. I'm no longer crippled by self doubt, or panicking that I am wasting important years of my life and hanging around on false promises or what someone else is dictating for me to do to make them happy, at the detriment to my own requirements. I'm free, and so is he. We're still friends, and occasionally meet up every so often. So all isn't lost. I'm grateful for what we had, but the final product just wasn't working for either of us.

Just something for you to think about, from someone who has been through similar and is on the other side. It feels like you're blasting your world to pieces, but I promise you can rebuild that and make what you want out of life. Make yourself happy, OP. Get what you want and never let go, because you deserve that.

Gloriousgardener11 · 23/07/2024 08:36

He’s spent nine years forming you into what he wants and needs with very little thought for your wants and needs.
I don’t really think he’s going to change to be honest, he needs a rocket up his ass and you need to give him an ultimatum but be prepared to walk away if it’s not what you want.

ThatsCute · 23/07/2024 08:38

italiansummer · 23/07/2024 08:22

imagine staying and those years stretching on, seeing your friends marry and have adventures and perhaps children with besotted partners while your partner permits you to be with him in a lukewarm way.

This is literally how life feels right now. The thing I find hard is that any time I confront it, he says I am his best friendand he loves me, can't imagine life without me so it makes it feel really confusing as if he loves me and I'm his best friend, why doesn't he want to commit to that. I do worry that I leave and he meets someone straight away and all his shit about not wanting kids etc is just not wanting them with me.

Show quote history

Yes, this could definitely happen. He could meet someone else and have a baby in a year, You could also be sitting here one year older, with a BF who is no closer to committing to you. Be honest with yourself. Is part of the reason you’re not leaving that he might meet someone else and commit to them the way he won’t commit to you? Do you want to lose the rest of your 30s for that?

BananaLambo · 23/07/2024 08:38

It sounds like deep down you know you want something different, and for you this relationship has run its course. End it now and give yourself the opportunity to be the person you want to be, and find the relationship you want to have. Your relationship sounds like a 4/10 when really it should be 8+/10.

BCBird · 23/07/2024 08:41

Steer your own.life by getting rid of him. It would be far better to.be single and available to a potentially new relationship in the future than sray with him

UrbanFan · 23/07/2024 08:48

Cut your losses and stop wasting any more years on this man. He is never and I mean never going to be what you want.

Original poster
italiansummer · 23/07/2024 08:49

tinkertailorsoldierpie · 23/07/2024 08:35

I could have written this myself, OP! About 2 years ago, I started having serious doubts about the relationship I was in. Together 9 years (like you!), jointly owned a house, and things were going fine. That was until over time, there were imbalances going on, and needs weren't being met. I was bending over backwards, doing so much for him, but I wasn't having that reciprocated.

I told him from the very start I would have liked to have been married by 30. 30 came and went, so did 31, 32, 33 etc. It never happened. I tried talking to him about it, but he wasn't interested, or he would drop hints he was open to it.

Secondly, neither of us wanted children, and all of the contraception was left up to me. In the end, I had to come off it due to some cancer concerns, and he offered to get the snip, but again, like with the marriage thing, kept putting it off and dodging the question. He then suggested I pay out of pocket to get sterilised myself as it was 'my decision'. And no matter how much I told him no, that it's a joint decision for us both to make, he didn't give a fuck. This really damaged our relationship and it put me off having sex with him, wondering why I should put myself through something so invasive, expensive and dangerous on his say so.

The final straw that broke the camel's back in our situation was, similarly to you, that I wanted to move on and eventually live a life out of the very small and dismal town we settled in. I remember asking him if he wanted to stay there for the rest of his life, in a house he admitted to not being that keen on, and my heart breaking when he said he would. All because it was close to his mum's house and his job. It was no where near mine, so at that point, I knew where I stood.

I over the past 18 months, I tormented myself, wondering if I was being selfish and calling myself an idiot for not being happy with what we had. But I wasn't. A lot of other things happened to, and while I still loved him, I wasn't in love with him because he'd gone against everything he'd promised to me when we first started dating and during our relationship. I loved him for who he used to be, and not who he had turned into. It hurt, and was so incredibly painful I put off leaving him for about a year, that was until about November of last year where I said enough was enough. I couldn't do it any more, and didn't feel it was fair on either of us for to carry on when we could both be out there living the lives we deserved.

This man did not want to move, did not want to travel, did not want me to do anything but spend all my time with him and neglect my own growth. In the time we've been apart, I've traveled by myself, made new friends, taken up new hobbies and life has been amazing.

I am now living with family while I sort parts of my life out and figure out what I want to do, but I can honestly say, it was the biggest, bravest and scariest decision I've ever made. And ultimately, the best. I'm no longer crippled by self doubt, or panicking that I am wasting important years of my life and hanging around on false promises or what someone else is dictating for me to do to make them happy, at the detriment to my own requirements. I'm free, and so is he. We're still friends, and occasionally meet up every so often. So all isn't lost. I'm grateful for what we had, but the final product just wasn't working for either of us.

Just something for you to think about, from someone who has been through similar and is on the other side. It feels like you're blasting your world to pieces, but I promise you can rebuild that and make what you want out of life. Make yourself happy, OP. Get what you want and never let go, because you deserve that.

Edited

My god than you for sharing, you have written down everything I feel! I told him when he finally decided he wanted to be official that I wanted to be married or at least engaged by 30. Anytime it's been brought up since it's always that our relationships not great, he doesn't have money, I'm putting too much pressure on him. Whatever excuse really. Well done for leaving and sounds like you felt the same it is hard to end something that's not necessarily awful but just now how you want to live you life.

I feel like I'm getting to that point where we both deserve better and to be living the life we want. And yeah it feels like tearing my life apart as he is the person I go to with anything, speak to constantly etc but it's all underpinned by feeling like it's not enough.

It's even things like I got a promotion last year and he could never be happy for me anytime I said things were going well, he'd literally just change the subject to something pointless instead of saying that's good I'm glad youre doing so well etc. but I sit and listen to him complain about work for hours on end! Feel like friends have drifted off too and no doubt because of my relationship. Sorry kinda off the point but it feels like I'm here to improve his life and my needs don't really matter.

Well done for leaving and so glad that you are feeling more free and that it's the right decision 🙏

OP posts:
tinkertailorsoldierpie · 23/07/2024 08:59

italiansummer · 23/07/2024 08:49

My god than you for sharing, you have written down everything I feel! I told him when he finally decided he wanted to be official that I wanted to be married or at least engaged by 30. Anytime it's been brought up since it's always that our relationships not great, he doesn't have money, I'm putting too much pressure on him. Whatever excuse really. Well done for leaving and sounds like you felt the same it is hard to end something that's not necessarily awful but just now how you want to live you life.

I feel like I'm getting to that point where we both deserve better and to be living the life we want. And yeah it feels like tearing my life apart as he is the person I go to with anything, speak to constantly etc but it's all underpinned by feeling like it's not enough.

It's even things like I got a promotion last year and he could never be happy for me anytime I said things were going well, he'd literally just change the subject to something pointless instead of saying that's good I'm glad youre doing so well etc. but I sit and listen to him complain about work for hours on end! Feel like friends have drifted off too and no doubt because of my relationship. Sorry kinda off the point but it feels like I'm here to improve his life and my needs don't really matter.

Well done for leaving and so glad that you are feeling more free and that it's the right decision 🙏

Show quote history

Girl, please, please, please leave him. You might love him, he might fill in some of the nicer parts of your life, but you can't play second fiddle to someone like this. You get one life. Just the one, and while it can be nice to get some satisfaction knowing you've enriched someone or helped them in some capacity, you deserve to have that given back to you. It doesn't sound like he offers much, and quite frankly, it's seriously shitty of him to string you along with those excuses. It seems to me that you're there to provide him with an ear to vent into and emotional support for when things go wrong or aren't how he wants them to be.

My ex was the same with me. He also did this thing where he controlled every situation, down to taking all of the fun out of things like growing vegetables in our yard. Everything was controlled and measured down to the millimetre, so I gave up on that. It sucked the fun out of everything. Every part of our life was like that, and he had the cheek to say "I regret not letting you have more fun when we were doing things." So basically admitting to the fact he knew he was stealing that from me. It was little things like this that helped me gather the steam to leave.

Like I said in my other reply, you deserve to get what you want out of life. Everyone does. And now is a great time for you to do that. You know what you want, and it gives him time to adjust and learn how to live without you before he becomes one of those old men who can do nothing for himself and has you wiping his arse for him. You're welcome to DM me if you'd like. I'm happy to talk there too.

Just really think about it. If you had a daughter and she came to you saying "Mum, this is how my relationship is panning out." and went on to explain what you've written on here today, how would you feel? What would you tell her you think she should do?

SOxon · 23/07/2024 09:25

@italiansummer
I feel this is all about him, you are indeed his support act - as soon
as he meets someone else he will be off.
His deliberate insouciance is telling you this truth whilst his placating
voice tells you another.

I highly recommend a yt channel chrisgqperry Shorts, good luck

Original poster
italiansummer · 23/07/2024 10:04

tinkertailorsoldierpie · 23/07/2024 08:59

Girl, please, please, please leave him. You might love him, he might fill in some of the nicer parts of your life, but you can't play second fiddle to someone like this. You get one life. Just the one, and while it can be nice to get some satisfaction knowing you've enriched someone or helped them in some capacity, you deserve to have that given back to you. It doesn't sound like he offers much, and quite frankly, it's seriously shitty of him to string you along with those excuses. It seems to me that you're there to provide him with an ear to vent into and emotional support for when things go wrong or aren't how he wants them to be.

My ex was the same with me. He also did this thing where he controlled every situation, down to taking all of the fun out of things like growing vegetables in our yard. Everything was controlled and measured down to the millimetre, so I gave up on that. It sucked the fun out of everything. Every part of our life was like that, and he had the cheek to say "I regret not letting you have more fun when we were doing things." So basically admitting to the fact he knew he was stealing that from me. It was little things like this that helped me gather the steam to leave.

Like I said in my other reply, you deserve to get what you want out of life. Everyone does. And now is a great time for you to do that. You know what you want, and it gives him time to adjust and learn how to live without you before he becomes one of those old men who can do nothing for himself and has you wiping his arse for him. You're welcome to DM me if you'd like. I'm happy to talk there too.

Just really think about it. If you had a daughter and she came to you saying "Mum, this is how my relationship is panning out." and went on to explain what you've written on here today, how would you feel? What would you tell her you think she should do?

Show quote history

Thank you so much you're so right. Helpful to have a view from someone who's been in what sounds like a really similar situation!

OP posts:
Candlelights1 · 23/07/2024 10:10

9 years, what a waste.
All of your precious 20's wasted on a selfish loser.
OP, please wake up.
You will be 40 and so bitterly regretful of accepting so very little.
Yours is a really sad life to read.
You deserve so much better.
Get some good counselling assp to figure out why you think so little of yourself.

Original poster
italiansummer · 23/07/2024 10:18

Candlelights1 · 23/07/2024 10:10

9 years, what a waste.
All of your precious 20's wasted on a selfish loser.
OP, please wake up.
You will be 40 and so bitterly regretful of accepting so very little.
Yours is a really sad life to read.
You deserve so much better.
Get some good counselling assp to figure out why you think so little of yourself.

Yeah if I read back my initial post it sounds really sad and like I'm settling for breadcrumbs. As I say it's hard when someone tells you they love you etc but he's not really showing it in his actions

OP posts:
Candlelights1 · 23/07/2024 10:20

Actions NOT words....always.

Wishimaywishimight · 23/07/2024 10:23

Don't look back at yourself in 20 years time and wish you had ditched him sooner, it will get harder as you get older. Life is too short to be in a relationship with someone who sounds like he tolerates you but doesn't love, like or respect you.

Original poster
italiansummer · 23/07/2024 10:27

Wishimaywishimight · 23/07/2024 10:23

Don't look back at yourself in 20 years time and wish you had ditched him sooner, it will get harder as you get older. Life is too short to be in a relationship with someone who sounds like he tolerates you but doesn't love, like or respect you.

Totally. He honestly tells me he loves me everyday and often says I'm his best friends but it baffles me as he doesn't seem to treat me like he even really likes me

OP posts:
PurpleReindeer2 · 23/07/2024 10:30

italiansummer · 23/07/2024 10:27

Totally. He honestly tells me he loves me everyday and often says I'm his best friends but it baffles me as he doesn't seem to treat me like he even really likes me

Show quote history

His actions tell you more about how he feels about you rather than the words that he says. You deserve to be valued and loved. Don't waste your future on this man.