Emotional Affair 6 months on

[Wavesofrage]

Original thread here
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4995183-emotional-affair-fallout

So. It turns out there was a crush conversation in 2022. She's taken aback. He apologises. She stops speaking to him for a month then picks up their friendship again. He says he felt badgered into it, she was always talking about her latest crush and kept on at him until he said her name. 🙄

By the end of 2022 DH had entered limerence.

Their "friendship" grew throughout 2023, mentoring newbies, late nights etc. but he didn't recognise it as anything other than a friendship. He had boundaries in that he didn't want her anywhere near his own family and would not meet her out of work although she asked many times. Their messages were prolific even at times texting Goodnight to each other and by September 2023 he was texting her missed her and she wasn't allowed to leave him for a new job also unsuitably excited at her return after the new job didn't work out.
His level of commitment to their relationship far exceeded anything he has had for other friends. His "chatette" style texting, his interest in work gossip and the emotional support he gave to her (boyfriend advice/passed over for promotion) took up all his bandwidth with nothing left for his own home and family.

Over the two years her relationship with her partner went from her complaining about his lack of interest in sex and not willing to commit to married and pregnant. Baby due anytime now. Our relationship went from happily married still sharing quality time together to DH being completely absorbed in work (and Jess) me being extremely lonely and doing the grunt work at home. No quality time. Days off he was exhausted, his body was wrecked, lots of pain killers and a separate bed because he was in so much pain.

Going to post this as I'm frightened I'll loose it.

I'll post how we extracted him next.

Also from 2022
DH had also had a fleeting thought of "in another life" and a colleague had told AP in front of DH if anything happened to her and her boyfriend there would be a queue of blokes and her would be at the front. Cue DHs competitiveness kicking in to be at the front of the queue. 🙄

I eventually got fed up, it was causing me a huge amount of stress and grief and DH fought with me to keep her in his life. A few things at the end of 2023 helped. She was on honeymoon 2 weeks then DH went on holiday with our daughter for 2 weeks. I called time on them in December when I saw a message calling him babe. (Turned out to be auto correct)

DH maintained it was purely friends but said he would be keeping their relationship on a business level. Then as bits leaked out over Christmas and the New Year everything blew up in Jan and he went no contact.

Running through the WhatsApp messages for her alongside mine was the single biggest sign to DH that there was a problem. It took 8 hours over 2 days and he was distraught by the end of it, I really did fear for his life. I found the leaking of info much worse the messages just confirmed my suspicions.

It has taken him 6 months for the fog to clear. He hates the person he was last year it reminded him of when he was a teenager, I call it Mr Big Bollox. He was so full of adrenaline he was an arse. He bullied colleagues. He wanted more overtime. Food. Money. She validated him, called him The Rock.

Since he started a work to rule, no over time, no women on his phone and strict boundaries in work he started to speak to colleagues he had previously dismissed as not worthy and found that actually they are ok. This is him listening to what other people think instead of speak as I find.

His head is clearer, not bogged down in work gossip. His physical health has improved, no pain killers, sleep together again. He stopped biting his nails, is more well groomed. He's definitely trying to be the best version of himself.

He has now apologised in writing to APs husband and explained to AP how he was lying and deceitful and that a lot of their behaviour he found distasteful (innuendo) disrespectful to me and that he was neglecting his own family. He's also apologised to work colleagues for leaving them unsupervised so he could be with AP and things went wrong which affected their mental health.

2nd post then into the counselling

We've had three counsellors. The first was a couples therapist who was extremely insightful and would not take us on as DH was emotionally shut down. This was Feb March so I began to see someone alone who then recommended a therapist for DH.

DHs counsellor suggested DH may have ADHD which actually tied in with the first counsellor using the term Neuro Diverse with regards to DH.

On my first thread I mention his sense of self, he has in the past turned his back on me and our child. He fought to keep AP saying it was not her or me it was me or him. He had a level of cognitive dissonance when explaining his friendship, saying things that just didn't make sense to me and I was dismayed to hear I wasn't in his thoughts when he was in work.

His memory is rubbish, odd bits stick if they are profound to him but otherwise general stuff gets dumped quickly and if I think of him as a six year old then his decisions makes sense. We've also discovered he has attachment issues. He has contempt for his Mother and has sparodically taken to teachers / friends parents. His Mother recently suggested he had autism and listed several things from when he was a child. She knows about the EA and counselling but we hadn't mentioned ADHD so there's still lots to learn.

AP has also apologised for being "close" to DH she says she also thinks she has ADHD which actually would explain their connection, the playground antics and childlike innuendo. She says she would not have "carried on the way" she did if she had realised it would end like this.

They were definitely into each other, she encouraged him and he went out of his way to give her attention. Although they never intended it, their relationship was detrimental to our marriage. I'd asked the Dr. for estrogen in 2022 to help with our sex life and in 2023 asked for HRT and actually said to the Dr I don't want to loose my husband. Little did I know I didn't need help to have sex I just needed my husband to be more present.

For anyone going through this you have my sincerest condolences. I am still at times bereft and heart broken but love my husband dearly and believe he is a good person that got caught up in addiction.

Just thought. A couple of things that helped explain things to me were

And

Melissa Orlov's book
The ADHD Effect on Marriage
Which is free on Audible

Thank you for sharing this! It’s so helpful as I’ve been going through the exact same as you with my husband

You're more reasonable than I would be in this situation. You seem to be creating the excuses and reasons this happened, maybe because your desperate not to lose him. Not everyone with adhd cheats.

Sorry you're having to go through this as well. Putting a distance between them without sending in to a shame spiral was hard. Once he realised I wasn't going to put up with it he managed to shut it down and moved on quickly but it took months for him to appreciate how damaging their relationship was. Good luck.

Thank you, we've been together a long time, I know my husband and I know what a friend looks like. He's always got on better with women and we've never had a problem before. I prefer to think of them as an explanation, things to be more aware of for the future.

This one?https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4831567-midlife-crisis-or-depression

You might find this one useful as well. I can't see more than a few posts of yours Can you link in your thread if you have one?