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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Midlife crisis or depression??

24 replies

sunsetchaser2009 · 20/06/2023 10:32

Hi, I just really need advise, we have been together 21 years and married for 14 years!! We got together in our teens, we we're the couple that everyone said they are made for eachother, two peas in a pod etc etc! Early last year hubby started to pull away from everything (few months before his 40th!!) he came to me and said he doesnt know how he feels about our marriage and me anymore, I was devastated, he has treated me like I am a piece of crap on the floor ever since! Not his character, he has always been the most reliable, sweet loving dedicated husband, we both adored eachother!! He has turned into a complete stranger, He has been very edgy with his phone always with him, never leaves it lying about!! I have questioned why all of a sudden this is the case and he says its alls in my head! My gut is telling me one thing and he is batting me down with another!! He has pulled away from all aspects of us, we used to have a very active sex life 3-4 times a week, since H has said this, it is very rare now, all being on his terms :( I have been told a month ago by our close friend that H has admited to texting other women but that i have his heart :((( I have confronted him, he said its all in my head again!!! I really dont know if he is having a MLC or is he going through depression? I just dont know how I am still here begging for the bare minimum, and there is no emotion from him whatsoever!! 21 years and this is what its come too!! Has anyone else been in a similar postion? Does this get better if i stick it out? Alls I know is that I am a shell of myself after this year :( I need some advise!!! Thank you all xx

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/06/2023 10:39

I would think neither mid life crisis nor depression.

This is highly suggestive of him meeting another woman.

Original poster

sunsetchaser2009 · 20/06/2023 10:42

I should say we have 2 DC, I dont want them to think this is what marriage life is like being unhappy :( but I dont want people to think I havent tried harder to fight for my marriage!!! Alls i know is that this situation hurts so so much!! xx

OP posts:

Neverinamonthofsundays · 20/06/2023 10:42

The whole affair script is in your post im afraid op.

SauceForTheGoose · 20/06/2023 10:49

This is the script I'm afraid.

There is another woman.

I'm so sorry. It's time for you to make a long term get out plan that's in your bets interests. Do this even if you want to fight for your marriage. Think of it as an active plan b

hope you won't need it but make it in case you do.

MrsElsa · 20/06/2023 10:51

You didn't blow up the marriage, he did. Keep your head up high and sort yourself out to kick him to the kerb. He will eventually realise what a momentumental idiot he's been and be begging for you back, but by then you will have moved on and be loving life on your terms.

Original poster

sunsetchaser2009 · 20/06/2023 10:53

Thank you both for the reply, I am not going mad then and possibly my gut is telling me the truth!!! I am absolutely devastated, he will not admit anything to me, where do i go from here with no evidence??

OP posts:

sunlovingcriminal · 20/06/2023 10:56

Is the current situation making you happy? If he is not making you happy, you need to give yourself permission to ask for him to shape up or ship out.

I think it is highly likely he is up to something, but you don't have to wait or have "evidence".

Him being a shit partner is also a valid reason for you to reconsider if he is making you happy anymore. And if he isn't, then he needs to sort himself out or leave.

Original poster

sunsetchaser2009 · 20/06/2023 11:09

Thank you all, I am not happy at all, I am a shell of the person I used to be!! When I was told about him messaging other women I confronted him and told him to just leave as I am worth more than being treated like this, he said he hasnt done anything and is just being honest with his feelings, he isnt going anywhere and that he owns half of the house!! I feel very heartbroken that the person I thought was my soulmate turned into a total stranger :(

OP posts:

LegendsBeyond · 20/06/2023 11:15

It sounds like you’re making excuses for him. It isn’t depression or an inevitable midlife crisis. He’s having an affair. Get yourself prepared to walk away. He’s treating you like crap & you deserve much better.

Bookworm20 · 20/06/2023 11:30

Yes its an affair. he is treating you like shit so he can feel less guilty about having an affair as he can turn it into your fault - being a shit wife, no sex , tells himself he doesn't love you, you are moody, he deserves to be happy etc etc. Even though he has caused every single bit of it. he is rewriting you in his head. Allows him to sleep at night. Pathetic little prick. Sorry, but its classic.

If like me, you'd need evidence. I imagine its all on his phone. Can you try and access that? need to use it for an emergency or something as yours isn't working, something he can't say no to.

Although if you are aware of what you think it is (and its sounding highly likely) you'll notice things now. And can plan from there.

If you bring it up, be prepared for the script. hes already started it, so will likely continue to follow it. It will be brutal, but know that none of this is to do with you and everything to do with him. He had his head turned and the stupid fucker followed it.

Be prepared to hear shite such as he never loved you, never even wanted to get married, he deserves to be happy, you make him unhappy, you made him do it, you don't give him enough attention..... and then possibly the wanting to kill himself, hes despressed, he'll get help (but won't).

Good luck OP, but I would start planning on a future without him. Get yourself ahead of the game and if possible try not to let him think you know anything.

Original poster

sunsetchaser2009 · 20/06/2023 12:58

Thank you for the replies, I really appreciate them!! He has started to drop that he thinks he may be depressed but will not go and get help as he doesnt believe it would work!! Why cant the man who I thought loved me just tell me the truth!! How can he be honest with others but not me?! Having been together since we were kids, he is alls ive known really :( my dad abandoned me when I was little and has done it again in adult life, I went through 6 months of counselling last year to heal from a man who didnt see my worth, (H said he will not help me through counselling to heal my trauma, he wasnt bothered!!) and now it looks as though I will be needing it again to heal from another man who doesnt know my worth :( I never thought someone I adored could treat me so wrong :(

OP posts:

HostaLuago · 20/06/2023 13:57

He's not depressed, he's having the time of his life.

Don't believe a word he says, he's turned into a lying decieving git, there's no going back from seeing this type of behaviour, I'm sorry he turned out to be a huge dissapointment but you are now trying to come to terms with who he once was, to who he is now.

Who knows what his future plans are but he's crossed the line and ruined your relationship.

Stop doing anything for him, you need to reciprocate the level of care he is now giving you, which is nothing.
Tell him you know exactly what he is doing and you no longer wish to play the game and be his mug.

Go and see a solicitor, don't tell him and get your financial ducks in a row.
Get an STI test aswell.

Holyjaffacake · 10/08/2023 00:02

I think he is probably going through a midlife crisis. I would research how it presents. There are lots of sites out there and it is more common than you might think. People going through this tend to be very selfish and lose some empathy. Look after yourself and detach as much as possible from his actions. This is not your fault

user1471886287 · 13/12/2023 19:28

My husband turned recently 40 and pulled away from me/us too - its awful. No sex or cuddles. He says he is in a dark place but wont get help. Doesnt know what he wants in life and is unhappy

I cant offer any advice OP but just to say you are not alone, its brutal

Farmageddon · 13/12/2023 19:37

user1471886287 · 13/12/2023 19:28

My husband turned recently 40 and pulled away from me/us too - its awful. No sex or cuddles. He says he is in a dark place but wont get help. Doesnt know what he wants in life and is unhappy

I cant offer any advice OP but just to say you are not alone, its brutal

Unfortunately, it sounds like he has checked out of your marriage. Look up the midlife script, you will likely be treated to it over the next few months.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

user1471886287 · 13/12/2023 19:52

I have read this a few times @Farmageddon but honestly most of this he doesnt do, he has just pulled away from 'us' and seems very low. We work together and see each other every night, and he has ample chances to stay out over night (Ive always said stay at a friends after a night out rather than get a taxi home but he always likes to come home). Im not saying 100% that his head hasnt been turned as you never know but there is no evidence to support this. He is very sad, lost weight, doesnt sleep, he is a shell of who he was last year. Maybe he has checked out of us (I have said he can leave and I wont make it if difficult) but doesnt want to go. He just says his head isnt in control and needs to speak to someone but trying to work up to courage so I guess I need to support him on this....for now. But its not easy

heartofglass23 · 14/12/2023 08:34

I'd hire a PI.

Farmageddon · 14/12/2023 11:56

user1471886287 · 13/12/2023 19:52

My apologies, maybe it doesn't apply to your situation. But to be honest, while you can support him he needs to do the work himself to figure this out, not just take it out on you. It's not his fault if he's struggling with his mental health, but it is his responsibility to do something about it, and not just expect you to put up with this radical change in behaviour.
If he refuses to get help, there's not much you can do. Please don't martyr yourself and be dragged under.

Seaoftroubles · 14/12/2023 12:27

Sorry OP, l would still suspect that even if his his head hasn't been turned he is at least thinking of looking to cheat. Otherwise why would he be texting other women? Did you ever get to the bottom of that, was he on a a dating site?

If its due to mid life angst then he needs to see his GP and have a health check, bloods taken etc as well as a chat about his low mood and weight loss. It's no good him saying it won't help, that sound like just an excuse to wallow and not deal with the issue.
l would be very insistent he does something to help himself, be clear that you and your children shouldn't have to put up with his poor treatment of you and the family.

Aikko · 14/12/2023 12:40

user1471886287 · 13/12/2023 19:28

My husband turned recently 40 and pulled away from me/us too - its awful. No sex or cuddles. He says he is in a dark place but wont get help. Doesnt know what he wants in life and is unhappy

I cant offer any advice OP but just to say you are not alone, its brutal

I suspect like the OPs husband - he knows exactly what he wants (to go shag another woman who he is invested in), but obviously doesn't want to admit it to you.

user1471886287 · 26/12/2023 22:30

@sunsetchaser2009 @Farmageddon turns out mine is too. I feel so stupid. He kissed my best friend 5 months ago and been having flirty message texts ever since. It’s heart wrenching, I’m heart broken. I knew in my gut! My best friend who I was confiding in daily!

user1471886287 · 26/12/2023 22:32

You were right @Aikko

Farmageddon · 27/12/2023 15:49

user1471886287 · 26/12/2023 22:30

I'm sorry, that's awful. Please find some support in real life. He's a shitbag.

80s · 27/12/2023 16:04

sorry to hear that @user1471886287
An affair can often be associated with sadness in the cheater. They might feel guilty. They might be trying to convince themselves that they can't help the affair as they are so sad, or as you make them feel sad. They might feel sad as they can't just go off with the OW as they fancy. They might have had a tiff with the OW or the OW's spouse. They might be worried that their affair is about to be revealed to you and the kids, and have belatedly realised how it will make them look. They might be claiming depression because then if you complain about their behaviour, you look nasty. It keeps you off their back. They might be claiming depression to explain why they are spending time out of the house (talking to their friend, having a weekend break, visiting a doctor, going to the gym, needing long walks alone because they are so sad).

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