I've been so stupid, what do I do?

[chip31]

My babies dad and I broke up when I was pregnant, it wasn’t a great time for me. We’d been together 2 years and he just didn’t take the pregnancy very well, didn’t want to be a dad etc the usual story!

Anyway a couple of months after our child was born, we sort of reconnected and had a heart to heart. He said he was really sorry for the way things had gone and he loved both me and our child and wanted to give things another go if I did, which I agreed to.

Since then, we haven’t lived together as sadly he had to relocate for work, but made a real effort to spend as much time together as possible. We obviously sleep together- and he’s invited me to work functions with him, we go to family things together. At these events he’s openly giving me little kisses and cuddles, holding my hand.

We’ve been on a few holidays with our child, spend Christmas and other holidays together… I could go on… we just do normal family stuff and carry on like we did before, he treats me like his partner in front of people… we text all day every day if we aren’t together, he says he loves me all the time and that I’m his best friend.

Talked about buying a house together (his idea) if he can get a job closer, so plenty of future talk.

Anyway it seems I’ve been naive but I thought we are both adults acting like a couple and therefore I just thought naturally the giving things another go had evolved into a relationship. But I was wrong.

He made a little joke about me wearing a men’s item of clothing and said did my boyfriend give it me… I said back- well you’re my boyfriend aren’t you?!

He said no, I’m not, we’ve never made things official and I actually don’t think it’s the time to do that. Maybe if things keep going well like they have been then we can make it official in future…

It’s been a year since he begged me back and I agreed to give things another go! Surely that’s long enough to decide if I’m “officially” your other half or not.

I know I’ve been silly maybe not to clarify… feel stupid I’ve been giving him the gf experience for a year.

What do I do? Do I end it… whatever it is?

Definitely end it. He's a user.

Op, you deserve someone who knows they want to be with you. I’m really sorry, he sounds like he is keeping his options open.

I also think there is any chance he has been seeing other women local to him so would strongly recommend an STI check.

I don't think you've been stupid at all. He told you he loved you and your child and wanted to give it another go. Anyone hearing that would assume you are a couple again.
Now he is saying something totally different.
He isn't trust worthy. He is playing mind games with you.
I would in future keep contact purely to that necessary for parenting your child.

Don't sleep with someone who doesn't think you are his girlfriend at the very least! I'd describe you as his partner.

I'm probably very old fashioned - in my 60s now, but you are the mother of his child, not "just" a friend with benefits!

I won't be from now on!

That's it, I feel quite insulted if that's the right word... that I've been giving all this and I'm the mother of his child and I'm not even worthy of the most basic of titles that demonstrates commitment.

He said no, I’m not, we’ve never made things official and I actually don’t think it’s the time to do that. Maybe if things keep going well like they have been then we can make it official in future…

You have a child together. If he doesn't think this is 'the time to make things official' he never will.

Forget about having a relationship with him beyond, hopefully, amicable co-parenting.

He's definitely at events introduced me to people as "this is my other half".

His father has also introduced me to family friends as "this is DSs partner" or this is "DSs gf".

Having a child together is as official as anyone can make it.

I'm sorry to say...but from bitter experience with a long term relationship....I think he's possibly met someone where he is working and backtracking to make it seem that you are the one pushing things and he's the innocent party whilst he gallivants with another female.

You and your child deserve the world....not this lowlife child.

So he's rewriting history in a sense?
Like I was the one that wanted to give things another go but he's just gone along with it for the sake of his child or something like that... so he looks like the good guy if he's met someone else.

Op, he made his choice long ago. He didn't want a DC so the relationship ended, he only came back when it suited him. He gets all the good bits with you but you really don't know what he does when he's away working. He's told you you're not his GF so unless you're happy to be this casual you need to pull back and make his visits only to see your DC . I'm sorry but once it's no sex or fun, just being a Dad, I think he'll visit far less often

I see that now but I just don't understand his thought process- just why?
He sat on the sofa crying and begging me to give things another go, how sorry he was.
I just don't get it.

Possibly.

It does sound like classic backtracking.

have you asked him outright ???

my ex swore blind that there was no one else involved …. But it was the pressures of work etc etc ….we didn’t have kids, but we’re planning our wedding and booked the church and reception.
He eventually admitted he’d met someone and his head had been turned.
it was lie after lie.

You really need to confront him, and ask him outright….’is this because of the other women ????’

his reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

That's horrible. He was happy to sleep with you and take you to functions with you on his arm but now all of a sudden you're not together and never were!

Dump him and let him make al the effort and expense is coming to see his child!

Tell him how you feel.
That's really pathetic excuse by him.
If he is looking for something better or to go about as he pleases end it or make him decide.
Awful just awful for you.
He is a parent not a player tell him from me!

That's how it feels.

We've both booked time off work to go on another family holiday towards the end of the year too (his idea, and he's planned the destination and hotel- not a cheap holiday either!)

Why is he doing all this, it makes no sense.

The only thing I can think of is if he has met someone or had his head turned, that's it's very recent and that's why it feels like backtracking out of the blue.

Although I admit to never checking that we were "official" (seems pathetic at our age and position but anyway)

When he's away he's always texting things like (as recently as last week).

"I hate being away and not being with you and DC, my days are so empty without you both".

I really don’t get the notion that becoming girlfriend & boyfriend is an official thing, a conversation you have to have in a similar way to getting engaged.

If you’re in the relationship you describe, with a child together, then the very least you should be able to expect is to call him your boyfriend! And possibly more crucially, he should be thinking of you as his girlfriend!

He’s in a relationship with the mother of his young child & yet he doesn’t feel he’s ready to make it official. Give me strength.

He’s clearly telling you he considers himself free to see other women & you deserve more than that.

I was in one of these relationships for years and it stopped me from finding somebody who actually wanted to be with me, By the time I finally said no more and we'd moved away from where we were living solely because of him, DD was going into her teen years and struggled with anxiety, partly because of her father's behaviour, and it became difficult for me to introduce another person into the family. Get out whilst you can and create a new life for yourselves.

Yep: Cherchez la femme.

He is gaslighting you and being dishonest, and is a commitment-phobe.

He was playing at being your partner , in role, all the public introductions etc, but with the safety net of living at a distance and not living with you.

You have not been stupid, he is a dishonest immature twat.

Actually he probably does have love for you but on his terms of no-commitment.

But put your foot right down. Stop all relationship type contact. He doesn’t stay at your place when having parental contact / access.

No ultimatums, no third chances, he has shown himself dishonest and untrustworthy, in addition to the inability to commit. At least when you were pg he was honest about his position. Now he is not. Your boyfriend? How dare he!

Really sorry you are in this position, OP, but you will be ok once you have got over the hurt.

He’s stringing you along, he knows exactly what to say to keep you keen but without any commitment on his part. He’ll carry on doing this until someone better (in his eyes) comes along then he’ll repeat the process with them.
Chuck him now.

From your updates it does sound as though there is another woman now. And he is back tracking on you being his partner so he can pursue his other relationship and doesnt appear he is cheating on you.

@chip31 he's upset because hopefully he does have feelings for you and enjoys his time with you, he just doesn't seem to see that now you have a DC it's not good for you to be so uncommitted. Lots of men would be happy with his set up, loving GF, DC, lots of time away to himself, lots of chances to see other women, minimal responsabilities when home, he's really having it all his own way.
As a pp said, once a man had a child he married it's DM, men now seem to think they can have the whole family package whilst being barely more than friends

He wants to have his cake and eat it too.

He wants you and the happy little family, but he also wants to have sex with other women.
You are there until he finds someone better and even then he’ll try and keep you both.

You have not been naive or silly.
He’s been a dick.

Stop having sex with him immediately.
Stop texting him like you’re in a couple and only answer texts that are about the child.
Do not go to family functions together or anything.

Basically stop treating him like a partner, when he isn’t one and has now made that perfectly clear.

I would be petty enough to join some dating sites too and go on a couple of dates and don’t hide it from him.

He is fine to sleep around but he won’t be happy if he thinks you’re not sat at home waiting for him every night.

You have not been stupid. You’ve been hopeful and forgiving. That stage is now over.

I've never had the feeling he has someone else, although I know from reading on MN regularly that it's always possible and I'd never rule it out.

He actually doesn't live alone, he shares with someone that he knows from another job he had a few years ago and is friends with, this person had also relocated to this city for work and they decided to go in together as cheaper while seeing if the move worked out for both.

I actually saw his housemate only a week ago, everything seemed perfectly normal. Not to say he's not going to another woman's house though.

Who knows.

When he said that I wasn't his gf I just played it breezey but I've pulled back a lot now and just keeping convo about DC, just ignoring anything else. (He's gone home now as has to work today)

He clearly knows somethings up as he's been messaging me at 2am last night saying he can't sleep because he knows I'm off with him and he's really sorry if he's upset me, just wants things to be normal blah blah...