I've been so stupid, what do I do?

[chip31]

My babies dad and I broke up when I was pregnant, it wasn’t a great time for me. We’d been together 2 years and he just didn’t take the pregnancy very well, didn’t want to be a dad etc the usual story!

Anyway a couple of months after our child was born, we sort of reconnected and had a heart to heart. He said he was really sorry for the way things had gone and he loved both me and our child and wanted to give things another go if I did, which I agreed to.

Since then, we haven’t lived together as sadly he had to relocate for work, but made a real effort to spend as much time together as possible. We obviously sleep together- and he’s invited me to work functions with him, we go to family things together. At these events he’s openly giving me little kisses and cuddles, holding my hand.

We’ve been on a few holidays with our child, spend Christmas and other holidays together… I could go on… we just do normal family stuff and carry on like we did before, he treats me like his partner in front of people… we text all day every day if we aren’t together, he says he loves me all the time and that I’m his best friend.

Talked about buying a house together (his idea) if he can get a job closer, so plenty of future talk.

Anyway it seems I’ve been naive but I thought we are both adults acting like a couple and therefore I just thought naturally the giving things another go had evolved into a relationship. But I was wrong.

He made a little joke about me wearing a men’s item of clothing and said did my boyfriend give it me… I said back- well you’re my boyfriend aren’t you?!

He said no, I’m not, we’ve never made things official and I actually don’t think it’s the time to do that. Maybe if things keep going well like they have been then we can make it official in future…

It’s been a year since he begged me back and I agreed to give things another go! Surely that’s long enough to decide if I’m “officially” your other half or not.

I know I’ve been silly maybe not to clarify… feel stupid I’ve been giving him the gf experience for a year.

What do I do? Do I end it… whatever it is?

He wants to have his cake and eat it.

Also, I can’t get my head around this modern dating/ relationships thing where a man has to tell you he wants you to be his girlfriend for it to be exclusive and until he says that he could be screwing around and leading several people on! Telling them all they’re “ special “ “ beautiful” or whatever !
There’s something to be said for not agreeing to sex until you’re exclusive. Unless both are happy to be casual and want the same thing.

If he’s got a dc with you and said he wants to be back in a relationship that’s exclusive in my book!

You should just tell him it’s over.
Claim through CMS and agree he can visit to see dc only.
Don’t allow yourself to be manipulated !

This. What an utter dick.

He's treated you really badly.
It wouldn't surprise me if there was an OW somewhere. There usually is in these situations.

I'm so sorry he's been such a bastard to you. You and your child deserve better.

And I don't think you've been stupid at all.

So he's basically had a trial run of being a Dad and a partner for a year without the actual commitment, how convenient for him.

And I bet if I do actually just tell him what a dick he's been he will just say "well I never said you were my gf".

Thing is I think if I moved on with someone else he'd be gutted, he'd definitely be the type of person who wouldn't want anyone else around his child.

Not saying this is what I'll be doing btw my DC is my priority and I'm not looking to introduce any men into their life, however I'm quite young still and I would like to think that my life isn't going to be me being alone forever, I've got so much to offer.

FWIW he does adore our DC and is a great Dad when he's around, contributes more than his share towards her costs and things for her.

Yes, and also he probably would be gutted if you found someone else because it sounds like although he doesn’t want to commit to you, he feels he has ownership of you as the mother of his child.

He feels like he can screw around and see other people but if you do the same he won’t like it.

Call his bluff and tell him you’ve met someone else anyway. Would be interesting to see how he reacts.

He's now texting annoyed at me as I haven't sent photos of DC today, and it's not fair to punish him because I'm "off" with him.

When DC was born and we weren't "giving things another go", I didn't feel it was right for me nor did I want to be texting him every day, so I sent my boundaries and said I would send photos and updates twice a week, he thought this was really unfair at the time...

So I guess we are going to go back to the same where I am the bad one

Oooh I hate him.
He's awful

Don't feel silly for not checking, no one would check. The natural assumption is that you're back together, you WERE back together, he just thinks he can backtrack now because of some loophole. He's gaslighting you and trying to make you think that you got it wrong that you were back in a relationship.

I guarantee if you had talked to another guy or done anything in that time he would have 100% said you cheated.

Please don't give him another chance. And you don't have to send him pics of your child ever if you don't want to.

He's keeping his options open.

Spell it out for him. Very clearly. Don't let him accuse you of being 'off' or making this about you.

"Dear John. Since our conversation where you stated clearly that I wasn't your girlfriend, despite me believing for the past year that we were back together, it has become obvious that we want and expect entirely different things from a relationship. I will obviously continue to allow you access to DC, but will no longer be playing at happy families with you, and will be contacting the CMS to organise formal child support. There is no longer any 'you and I' as you made clear and therefore all communication will be about our shared child and nothing else. Best wishes for the future. @chip31

Distilled into a short sentence, this is it. He is getting all the benefits of a relationship, and having the good bits of parenthood without doing it full-time. But he also gets to do whatever he wants under the guise of being single.

You haven't been stupid at all btw. You've believed his actions, it's all anyone can do. He's now told you that he's a tosser though. Please don't let him reel you back in, because he sounds really good at it.

As @Hatty65 you mention CMS, well I did originally open a case with them, however when we decided to "give things another go", after a few months when I thought it was all going swimmingly I did cancel at his request... it didn't feel right having a CMS case open when I thought we were together. He also said he didn't want it "hanging over his head".
Although he has continued to pay towards our child, actually at more than the CMS rate, and he helped financially during my MAT leave even though we don't live together... ya know like a couple with a baby would...

I don't understand why you're holding back on telling him what an absolute arsehole he is. How dare he treat you this way?

You’re not 17, you don’t need to say “are you my boyfriend now” to make this a relationship. He thinks he’s found a get out clause for whatever he has been doing or wants to be doing on the side. But at bottom he’s just a cheater or a would be cheater. Sorry he’s such a rat.

@chip31 I can see why it's confusing!

I think you just have to aim for a neutral tone, take all the emotion and the hurt out of it and make it 'official'. Ignore any emotional manipulation about you've upset him or he can't believe you are doing this. Be straightforward. 'You made it clear we are not a couple, I'm not your girlfriend and you don't think it's the right time for us. You made that choice and it's fine. You have the right. I now have the right to decide that I'm not prepared to hang around being 'back up girl' but that I'm moving on alone and will probably find someone else who does offer me more than you. I have no idea why you would be 'upset' at this. It's entirely your own fault.'

Brisk, no nonsense tone if you can manage it. Keep your head held high - you've not been stupid, you've been deceived and now you have your eyes open and are taking back control.

Good luck. (Don't listen to any more future faking shit).

Just be less available.
Busy.
Not available at the w/e
If he complains.
Say "like most people, you would like a loving stable relationship. Something to build on. He has told you he is not this person.
So obviously, he will understand you enjoying a social life & not always at his beck & call."

Crossed post with Hatty"

He’s a commitment-phobe and if you let him, he’ll keep dragging you around like this for the rest of your life.

What a twat he is OP. He is either already seeing someone else or hopes to, or was hoping to get a reaction from you to reassure him that you aren’t seeing anyone else.

Don’t be tempted to play games talking about meeting other people. I think you probably do need to be the mature one and send a simple message.

You are right I have been quiet. I was shocked this weekend when you said we were not in a committed and exclusive relationship. I have now had some time to think about this and it is not good enough for me. I now consider myself single and I look forward to us moving forward together as the brilliant coparents we are. Just to be extra clear, we won’t have any kind of relationship beyond coparenting.

I will send you pictures of DC a couple of times a week like we used to. I think it will be best for both of us as we move on to not be messaging every day. I hope you understand and have a good week at work.

This will serve a few purposes. A clear line in the sand for you. Boundaries and self respect. For him I think it will make his head spin and he won’t like it at all. Tough. If this man is going to be in your life again he needs to make a huge commitment and for me that would be apologies for the disrespect and gaslighting and trying to demote you to FWB, marriage proposal, and finding a job close to home. I would not move in with him without a ring and a date set.

Onwards and upwards OP. 💐

So I guess we are going to go back to the same where I am the bad one

Only in the manipulative gaslighting view of his self interest.

You know exactly what has gone on and that he is dishonest.

Who cares what he thinks of you, or tries to guilt trip you into believing about the situation?

Why would you even want to be with him? And no he isn’t a brilliant dad - what an example to set your child.

I don't know. I loved him and gave him the benefit of the doubt over some of the pregnancy stuff, we both had some various life difficulties going on at the time, neither of us acted perfectly.

I thought we were building towards a future together with our child, I don't know if I've been stupid or if I've been manipulated.

Just tell him you haven't got time to deal with a man with this level of immaturity and leave him to it.
And if he asks for photos again, just tell him we never formally agreed that I was your secretary.

OP you have not been stupid. Everyone in the world would assume after he begged you back a year ago that you are in a relationship.

He’s either wanting to cheat or trying to be cocky and clever and keep you in your place.

Put him straight. You are better than that. You deserve more.

💐

He needs to get over his fear of commitment. Funnily enough I think he does love you, so I’d give him an ultimatum. Either he commits to you and DC as a family, or there is no relationship between you outside of co-parenting.

I mean why do you want to be with him now? You are mourning the loss of something you have never had ( a committed relationship). Let him go - he’s free to go find that patch of greener grass that he clearly thinks he’s entitled to