I've been so stupid, what do I do?

[chip31]

My babies dad and I broke up when I was pregnant, it wasn’t a great time for me. We’d been together 2 years and he just didn’t take the pregnancy very well, didn’t want to be a dad etc the usual story!

Anyway a couple of months after our child was born, we sort of reconnected and had a heart to heart. He said he was really sorry for the way things had gone and he loved both me and our child and wanted to give things another go if I did, which I agreed to.

Since then, we haven’t lived together as sadly he had to relocate for work, but made a real effort to spend as much time together as possible. We obviously sleep together- and he’s invited me to work functions with him, we go to family things together. At these events he’s openly giving me little kisses and cuddles, holding my hand.

We’ve been on a few holidays with our child, spend Christmas and other holidays together… I could go on… we just do normal family stuff and carry on like we did before, he treats me like his partner in front of people… we text all day every day if we aren’t together, he says he loves me all the time and that I’m his best friend.

Talked about buying a house together (his idea) if he can get a job closer, so plenty of future talk.

Anyway it seems I’ve been naive but I thought we are both adults acting like a couple and therefore I just thought naturally the giving things another go had evolved into a relationship. But I was wrong.

He made a little joke about me wearing a men’s item of clothing and said did my boyfriend give it me… I said back- well you’re my boyfriend aren’t you?!

He said no, I’m not, we’ve never made things official and I actually don’t think it’s the time to do that. Maybe if things keep going well like they have been then we can make it official in future…

It’s been a year since he begged me back and I agreed to give things another go! Surely that’s long enough to decide if I’m “officially” your other half or not.

I know I’ve been silly maybe not to clarify… feel stupid I’ve been giving him the gf experience for a year.

What do I do? Do I end it… whatever it is?

Whether you've been naive or he's been manipulative is irrelevant, you know now he's taking the piss. This is simple now, it's ultimatum time, relationship or co-parents with strict boundaries. Otherwise he'll string you along until he finds someone else then dump you like a hot potato. Take control of this asap OP! Good luck.

Oh Jeezo, he’s shagging about. Or wants to if he gets the opportunity- wants to have his cake and eat it basically. Yuck.

You've not been a mug op he's intentionally led you the wrong way.

I would send something along the lines of.

''I believed that since X date when you asked for another try, that we have been in a committed and exclusive relationship. It's clear from your comments on X date that you do not feel the same.

I want a committed partner in my life and with that said we need to re establish boundaries in our relationship and move forward as co parents on friendly terms.''

You do have the right op to have a relationship. You say your young.

This man is stealing your future and ultimately is keeping you on the shelf and will eventually move on and start another family with somebody where he lives.

Don't get angry at him because he'll use it against just keep it friendly and civil.

He wants the option to live the single life as when and still use you to play part time families, don't let him, only communicate about your child, I'm not sure you can come back together and trust him after this. You are worth more than this.

Stop dancing around it and tell him you're pissed off he's pretending now you were never back together. You aren't 15, you don't need to ask if you're official when he's actually asked you to try again. I would be keen to ask him does this mean he's been sleeping with other people?

I will get myself tested but I think I'd rather not know. I don't think I could cope mentally, my MH has taken a long time to get in an okay place after the pregnancy.

He was getting the best of both I suppose.

I just wish he'd left me and our DC alone if he wasn't serious.

What on earth are you basing that on?
A man who loved her wouldn't gaslight her and try to make out that they had just been FWB for the past year.

You’ve been stupid?

He’s been stupid!

I think if he loved me he'd be afraid to lose me. That's clearly not the case

You deserve so much better than this. I would love to know what he's thinking by stating you aren't bf&gf but basically creating a family environment and situation with you. It doesn't make sense

We went on holiday for 4 days last month as well with his parents, we didn't stay in the same accommodation but went to the same location as them which is a place they like to holiday as a family in the UK, and we met up to spend the days together, ate out together...

But we've never been together and I'm not his gf

You weren't stupid. You just believed this man was a normal human being and not a complete dick. It's a perfectly natural thing to think but now you have absolutely proof to the contrary. This man is not worth your time. Drop all contact except about DC and don't engage with any of his whining. Best of luck to you

This is a good way to know that you've been gaslighted.
When you start looking back at all of the evidence that what you think happened happened to try to prove them wrong.

You WERE back together. He's just decided to insult you and degrade you by lying to you and trying to make out that the relationship was all in your head.

You weren't stupid before but you would be stupid if you ever gave him another chance after that.

This is awful behaviour. You haven't been stupid. I don't know a single person, having been begged to get back together, shared a child, gone on family holidays together etc that wouldn't consider the other person their partner ffs. It doesn't and shouldn't require a conversation about whether you're bf/gf, it should be obvious. There's nothing wrong with you, he on the other hand is a rug pulling time waster.

I see this a lot nowadays. People doing EVERYTHING that’s a normal part of being in a committed relationship, but withholding the official title. It’s absolute bullshit.

but two can play this game. Sex, holidays and exclusivity are all things you can reserve for boyfriends only, meaning this joker gets none of them, if he wants to enjoy just a few of the perks of staying single, let him enjoy all of them,

This is he's we're not together I can sleep with whoever I like card

Don’t feel stupid op, this is all on him. All you can do now you know is value yourself and the model you’re establishing for your child. Ignore his petty attempts to make you ‘the bad one’. You’re the one who was generous and caring and who brings up your child every day. These are the things that matter.
‘If we could keep conversations to about our child please.’ Sounds like a sensible message ti send. Plan a few extra you will need ‘you are quite clear that we aren’t together, this message is inappropriate’ ‘no,we don’t need to discuss it. If after having a baby and all the time we’ve spent together in the last year isn’t enough for you to know, then that’s enough for me to know. We aren’t together, I’m a single mum and you’re my child’s dad.’

Tell him he's had 3 years to decide if you were in a serious committed relationship building a future, which is what you thought you were. If he's still not sure now to kindly not waste more of your time.

He's shown you how he feels about you. Believe him.

Thank you all so much for the advice and words of wisdom.

I feel worse today, just absolutely floored. I haven't been able to sleep. Just feel completely and utterly worthless.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, OP. Do you have a support network nearby that you can lean on? Someone who can babysit for a couple of hours while you nap or go on a long walk or something.

Maybe consider taking sleeping tablets for a night or two so that you don't end up completely sleep deprived.

And try to convert your sadness to anger. A long venting session with friend has always helped me do this.

Protect yourself. Be kind to yourself. You're a lovely person who has been lied to by a despicable excuse for a man. It's not your fault at all.

@chip31

WTAF ' you haven't made it 'official'

what a pathetic 'man'.

I hate to say this, but I think him mentioning your 'boyfriend' was him making it clear that he has or feels free to have a girlfriend & that you have no right to mind.

he, as you have outlined, has previously made it clear to others you are 'an item'. I think someone has 'turned his head' at the very least.

without knowing him it's hard to say what approach I'd take. Either having it out with him or just going cold. Only replying to texts about DS, letting him visit, but going out when he's there, leaving them alone, preferably to meet a bloke for a coffee date, or telling him that's what you're doing anyway!

@chip31

I'm sorry, but not surprised, that you feel worse today. YOU haven't been stupid at all, HE is treating you horribly.

You aren't teenagers or even young singles. You're proper adults with a child together.

He asked/begged you to try again.

Of course you are his partner, more than girlfriend, not less. You have been building a family situation.

'Not' girlfriends/partners don't go away with their casual friends parents etc

it would be so simple to say 'ask him this. Ask him that etc' but at the end of the day, while you could make him explain himself (well, try to), you will never trust him or feel safe with him now, he's completely ruined it this time.

I'm a lot older than you (55) and when I was younger I'd keep 'forgiving & trying' because I loved them & thought they just needed to 'understand'. But life experience has taught me, you're wasting you time/life if you are doing this.

TRY to accept he's not the man you hoped he was. It's one of the hardest things ever, but in the long run it's the best thing.

of course it hurts, but you can do it.

You don't have to send him photos or update him or anything. You sort a contact schedule that suits you, he picks DD up & takes her out. It's YOUR house, he has no right to use
it to manipulate you. So no, he stays out!

if you have her contact number & like her, contact his Mum & tell her it has been nice knowing her but her son, after begging you to 'try again' has decided you are not his partner, nor even his girlfriend.

i know it's hard to not 'try again' but I wish I'd listen to people telling me the same, maybe there are some life lessons you need to learn by living them?!

nut you sound like you know your worth, so just keep it in mind!

& no, you don't have to stay single forever, in time you'll meet someone who treats you & DD well & you might even have another child or two with an actual adult xx

Just coming back to vent really as it's good to get it out somewhere.

Since the comments I've significantly cooled off, although haven't dropped down to just once or twice a week updates for DC as I feel like if I do this immediately he will likely say I'm bitter and punishing DC cause I'm unhappy.

Anyway have continued to answer most texts regarding DC, ignoring anything else, which I think is making him more determined and he's getting annoyed if I don't answer questions about personal stuff like how my day is, how's work, how did such and such go... I can tell it's annoying him

So over this weekend he's brought up the "expensive" family holiday again that we've both booked the time off work for, said he can't wait and how great it will be to get DC on the beach.

I just said "oh, is this still happening then?"
His answer is "well yes why wouldn't it be?"
Me "just you and DC then?"
Him "no, all of us don't be silly"
Me "in what capacity am I attending then, as DCs nanny?"
Him "why are you being like that, we were always planning on taking DC on holiday"
Me "family holidays are something people in a couple do, it's not normal to go on holiday with your ex"
Him "fair enough, I won't ask again"

Is it me or does he just give totally mixed signals?

I'm not his gf but still expecting a nice family holiday together wth