DH changed his behaviour but now I’m resentful

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Hi, I’m just looking for some advice to see if how I’m feeling is unreasonable or if anyone else has encountered similar. Married to DH for 15 years with 2 DDs. When I look back now I can see that he has been abusive, he has never hit me but he would shout at me for things he perceived to be wrong, smash dishes and I would generally be walking on eggshells, because you never knew what would set him off next. If I tried to talk to him about it he would blame me and threaten to kill himself.

Two years ago I got to the point where I told him to leave and that I couldn’t take it anymore. He broke down, went to counselling and in all honesty has turned himself around- he is like a new person and it’s been great. the problem is that I now feel incredibly resentful for the fact that everything is now fine for him, but without any acknowledgement of the years of abuse that I tolerated to get to this point. His family have also noticed how much nicer he is and are all really proud of him for making changes for the better, which is great and I’m pleased that his relationship has changed for the better with them too. However, it feels as if he’s being congratulated for no longer being abusive but everything I dealt with has now been forgotten about. We’ve now been invited to a rare family get together on his side in a few weeks and I don’t think I can face going along with them all thinking how great he is. I feel so angry about it even though I’ve got what I wanted- a husband who I’m not scared of any more. Does anyone have any advice on how to move past this?

If he made the effort to make a change, then that is a form of acknowledgement in itself, but your feelings are understandable. It might help for you to get some therapy yourself to figure out how to work through your resentment and what might hep you move on.

Have you tried talking to your DH about how you feel?

I have but he gets angry and tells me how hard he is working not to be how he was. I get that, and I agree that he really is trying but I’ve spent the previous 14 years being scared of him, and now I’ve to be grateful for the fact that he’s stopped. I think that’s the bit I’m getting stuck on, and I’m struggling to reframe it into something more positive.

It might be too little too late?

It depends what you want OP - the book ‘too good to leave too bad to stay’ is a really good book. It takes a look at if it’s worth staying or leaving.

But ultimately you need recognition for what he did and an apology - is he capable of that and if he did would it change things? I’m not sure it would as when the sound is deep sometimes you can’t come back from it.

I watched a program on depression and a DH had took to his bed for 6 years leaving his wife to deal with everything - kids, money ect. They fixed his depression and he was hiking and living life. His family treating him like Jesus that had risen. His wife however was utterly resentful and angry. And I can understand why.

Id get the book and work out f you actually want to stay in the relationship and go from there

Also therapy for you would be a good idea x

If he's really turned himself around and had a real revelation about the role he has previously played and the respect he needs to give his family going forward. Surely that process must involve acknowledging the harm caused and the impact on you. This is an essential ingredient of a genuine reforging of your personality in a relationship where previous stuff has been damaging and unacceptable. I think you would need to go into detail about incidents where he was awful and for him to really own that explicitly and willingly.

Without this I don't see how you will ultimately build a strong foundation to go on with. I would say it all sounds a bit him-focused, with his family cheerleading.

Let them do that, whatever, they aren't the arbiter of your relationship. They don't matter. It's your husband who needs to acknowledge his past (and ideally not hide this from his family either, but that might be down the line/from you). He needs to own it if the therapy has really done its job. And to cut out the possibility that you're actually wasting your time here and there is no real new start happening you should just explicitly demand this conversation, and summon the guts to leave if he doesn't show up for it.

Do not waste your time on someone who really doesn't value and hold dear your experience.

So he is still getting angry to the point you can’t discuss things with him. He has not really changed OP this is just an act.

My ex DH was able to keep this act up for years because he was better off with me in his life than with out. When he was ready to let go and got himself a new girlfriend his behaviour towards me was shocking.

So he still gets angry at you?
Doesn't sound like he's really changed that much. Mr Nice Guy, until things don't go his way.

I can relate to the woman being angry with the depressed husband who is suddenly cured. I have this rage inside me when I think about how his family are treating him when I put up with so much from him. I just don’t want to feel like this any more, it’s not me and it’s eating away at me.

It's great he's accessed counselling and learnt some skills to manage his emotions. But that doesn't mean the past hasn't happened, it would be really unhealthy to cover the cracks and go everything's fine because of course it isn't. Part of the process would be talking through what happened and working through it together either between you or in therapy. If he's not willing to do that then he not really changed he's just got good at hiding his emotions

Either he's genuinely changed, in which case he'd understand the ramifications of his previous behaviour, or he hasn't and is just enjoying all the praise.

I'd bet my house it's all an act.

In the unlikely event he is for real, that's great and a positive for when he's looking after the children on his own because I wouldn't want to stay.

Op I strongly recommend you get yourself to therapy.

An abusive relationship leaves many scars, and him changing doesn't erase your whole life experience. If he really has changed you do need to address this.

I would get therapy. You can talk this one through with a professional. It doesn’t seem as if he’s changed as much as he’s professing otherwise he’d be able to confront and take accountability for the past.

I think for me a lot of resentment would be because I’d feel that the fact he’s changed now means that he could actually gave changed earlier if he’d wanted to enough, and all the shit he’d put me through needn’t have happened at all.

OP you don’t have to stay just because he’s acting better now. His current behaviour doesn’t wipe away all the previous years and suddenly make everything ok. Therapy for you is probably a good shout, whether you want to stay with him or move on you need to get past the resentment because it will just eat you up and make you miserable, and you deserve peace and happiness.

So for 15 years he was abusive to you. He sees a councillor for 5 minutes who tells him he’s being a shit, and hey presto he’s cured.

I had one like this, after 20 years of terrible treatment I finally snapped and asked him to leave. Guess what happened? Yep, suddenly he changed his whole persona.

It was an act, seeing him smile and engaging with the family made me furious, he couldn’t do it before, but when I threatened to leave, all of a sudden he managed to change. Funny that isn’t it.

By then it was too late, I didn’t love him anymore.

I can understand that. True repentance from previous behaviour involves an apology.
The fact that he gets angry when you bring it up shows he hasn't really changed.

I think the pertinent question here is - do you still love him?

After years of abuse you may not in which case it's perfectly OK to leave, but if you do still love him and can see a future with him then I would suggest some counselling to see if you can work through your feelings. In fact I'd suggest counselling even if you leave because watching him continue with his life and his new persona might sting even more and you will likely need help as you navigate the feelings that follow a separation.

I have but he gets angry and tells me how hard he is working not to be how he was.

Have you pointed out that it shouldn't be 'hard' for someone to be a decent person? I'd go a step further and say that this 'new him' is clearly an act if it's so 'hard' to keep up.

True change comes from acknowledging and repairing the damage you've done. You don't just slap on a happy face and start playing 'nice guy' having left a trail of destruction in your wake for years.

Is he still in counselling or does he consider himself 'fixed' now?

This is 100% an act and it has already slipped as he can't apologise because he doesn't think there's anything wrong with his shitty behavior. I wouldn't go to therapy for this, a genuine heartfelt apology would fix this and acknowledgement of what you went through. Not to say you wouldn't need help for the trauma he caused you but that's a separate issue, he's still a prick, he's just hiding it better, for now....

I think you'd benefit from therapy, OP, and I'd talk about it openly. 'Yes, it's wonderful that Dave has finally managed to start to change his ways, after so many years! Now we can finally focus on the repairing the damage the last 14 years of his abusive behaviour have done to me, I'm so relieved and really looking forward to a new start for both of us.'

Possibly a touch less sarcastic depending on audience but along those lines... don't allow the impact of his behaviour to be swept under the rug. I'd always be super positive whenever it comes up, and always, always bring it back to the impact it's had on on you and the chance for that damage (or however you want to phrase it) being finally addressed. That's the end goal, after all - not just for 'Dave' to be happy, but for you both. Good luck.

His anger still stops you from expressing how you feel? That sounds like you're still on eggshells. Very understandable as are your feelings of resentment.
Tell him exactly how you feel. Maybe suggest joint counselling so you have a safe space to say whatvyou need.

If he has been enlightened like he says he has he will be understanding and want the best for you.

Part of me.. about 90% suspects he has not changed at all and is masking his overt abusive behaviour replacing it with covert passive aggressive bullshit. But hey who really knows? Well you do actually

Be very good and kind to yourself OP.

I think you are angry because you're finally able to experience it as it feels safe to do so.

I agree that it sounds as though he's masking. He doesn't want to lose his home comforts or family and real change would involve acknowledging his behaviour and your feelings.

My xH was similar, I could never express what I really felt or thought because of fear of his anger. I was walking on eggshells and didn’t know what would set him off next. There was an unhealthy power imbalance.
i built up the courage to tell him I wanted to separate and he was devastated - much more than I expected. Suicidal etc. said he’d do anything. Wanted me to list all the things and how he’d address them.
but it was too little too late (plus I’m afraid I didn’t believe he had the capacity to change enough).
it had been death by a thousand cuts and the love had been chipped away at over the years.

its been a tough couple of years and I still feel guilty about the upheaval for the DC but ultimately me and them are happier and we get to live in a lovely calm house.

I’d say him getting angry when you say about feeling resentful shows that actually deep down he hasn’t changed at all!!!

How dare he get angry with you, and shut you down! That’s him showing he’s still behaving badly, he’s just choosing to show a public persona and keeping the arsehole for you privately to deal with.

I could have written this post but with neuro diversity in the mix too.

I agree with everyone else. I think the resentment is a really good barometer. If it isn't shifting I bet it's because there isn't space for it to in the relationship.

Of course you are angry! I’m angry for you just reading your thread.

You been angry and scared for all these years and you couldn’t show your feelings / talk about it for fear he would hit you / smash things .

And now you are still angry and scared but can’t talk about it because your feelings are somehow wrong and unjustified and illegitimate . And your husband has warned you that us is “ trying hard “ not to be violent so you better just keep walking on egg shells or else………..

” Having a husband I’m not scared of “ isn’t every woman’s dream. Most women want a mutually loving , caring , respectful and understanding intimate relationship where they are safe to express their deepest feelings.

You are still living with a potentially violent and controlling man who is outwardly behaving himself as long as you do what he wants.

He’s not changed who he is, he has changed how he expresses who he is. Hes changed his methods of control, that’s all.

It's because now you feel safe to have these feelings. When abuse was taking place you couldn't safely get angry so you protected yourself by pushing it down.

You would benefit from therapy and ideally you both could have a couple of sessions to discuss the last in a supportive environment.