DH changed his behaviour but now I’m resentful

[Brosources]

Hi, I’m just looking for some advice to see if how I’m feeling is unreasonable or if anyone else has encountered similar. Married to DH for 15 years with 2 DDs. When I look back now I can see that he has been abusive, he has never hit me but he would shout at me for things he perceived to be wrong, smash dishes and I would generally be walking on eggshells, because you never knew what would set him off next. If I tried to talk to him about it he would blame me and threaten to kill himself.

Two years ago I got to the point where I told him to leave and that I couldn’t take it anymore. He broke down, went to counselling and in all honesty has turned himself around- he is like a new person and it’s been great. the problem is that I now feel incredibly resentful for the fact that everything is now fine for him, but without any acknowledgement of the years of abuse that I tolerated to get to this point. His family have also noticed how much nicer he is and are all really proud of him for making changes for the better, which is great and I’m pleased that his relationship has changed for the better with them too. However, it feels as if he’s being congratulated for no longer being abusive but everything I dealt with has now been forgotten about. We’ve now been invited to a rare family get together on his side in a few weeks and I don’t think I can face going along with them all thinking how great he is. I feel so angry about it even though I’ve got what I wanted- a husband who I’m not scared of any more. Does anyone have any advice on how to move past this?

Hey OP,

I'm in a fairly similar situation to yourself. Years of being treated appallingly and now he has changed (not dramatically but a bit) and I have more control over our situation (mortgage, finances etc.) However I am coming to realise I am still very resentful of the previous years and his actions. I personally lost a lot of love/feelings/emotions towards him and I don't think there is any coming back from it and how I feel. It's been too long.

I don't have any specific advice for you but here to offer moral support if you need it. Big hugs 🫂

^

Why don't you want to leave your abuser OP?

Have you had any counselling yourself?

Him not accepting how damaging his previous behaviour was, nor allowing you to speak of it and still making you scared to talk to him is STILL abusive.

He's not a changed man, he's just hiding it better.

Why don't you tell him that you've decided to beat him up regularly for a while, but then "give up" hitting him and expect praise for that. And he's never allowed to raise the fact that he now walks with a limp/can only see with one eye/has scars on his body that you inflicted; would that be ok? Would you be told how wonderful you are regularly because you no longer hit your partner? Would all the bruises and pain be immediately forgotten?

Because that's what he's expecting of you, just because the scars he made on you are mental rather than physical, it doesn't mean they don't exist and you have every right to be angry about them and the only thing he should express is deep regret.

Those don't sound like the words of someone who's genuinely changed. He may have (finally) learned to behave himself, but his dismissal of your feelings makes it sound as if it's a superficial change. I'm not surprised you're still angry. I'm pretty sure I couldn't forgive 15 years of abuse, however much the behaviour had changed afterwards.