DH changed his behaviour but now I’m resentful

[Brosources]

Hi, I’m just looking for some advice to see if how I’m feeling is unreasonable or if anyone else has encountered similar. Married to DH for 15 years with 2 DDs. When I look back now I can see that he has been abusive, he has never hit me but he would shout at me for things he perceived to be wrong, smash dishes and I would generally be walking on eggshells, because you never knew what would set him off next. If I tried to talk to him about it he would blame me and threaten to kill himself.

Two years ago I got to the point where I told him to leave and that I couldn’t take it anymore. He broke down, went to counselling and in all honesty has turned himself around- he is like a new person and it’s been great. the problem is that I now feel incredibly resentful for the fact that everything is now fine for him, but without any acknowledgement of the years of abuse that I tolerated to get to this point. His family have also noticed how much nicer he is and are all really proud of him for making changes for the better, which is great and I’m pleased that his relationship has changed for the better with them too. However, it feels as if he’s being congratulated for no longer being abusive but everything I dealt with has now been forgotten about. We’ve now been invited to a rare family get together on his side in a few weeks and I don’t think I can face going along with them all thinking how great he is. I feel so angry about it even though I’ve got what I wanted- a husband who I’m not scared of any more. Does anyone have any advice on how to move past this?

The fact he gets angry and once again is blaming you, this time for not magically being over the abuse, actually shows that he hasn't really changed. Some of the behaviours might have changed but the dynamic and underlying beliefs haven't. If he had genuinely changed and accepted responsibility for his actions then he wouldn't be getting angry at you, he would understand that its going to take time and a lot of effort on HIS part to fix this. There is something seriously wrong in any relationship where one partner is expected to be grateful for not being abused. It is really the least you should be able to expect from a relationship. He's the one that did the wrong thing, he should be grateful you stayed and gave him another chance. No one should be expecting you to be grateful for any of this, ever. You dont owe him anything, you don't have to stay, you can walk away at any point because of the abuse and the damage he's done. The fact he's behaving better now doesn't magically heal anything and it doesn't take the fear away either, because you always know that he's capable of that.

Thanks everyone, it’s good to see that im
not insane for feeling like this. I don’t want to leave him, I just want some recognition of what he’s put me through. That’s also a very valid point about if he can do it now then why not 15 years ago? Why have I had to go through all this if he was capable of managing his behaviour? I won’t be going to the family gathering I’ve decided, it’s too much when I’m feeling like this.

It sounds like you are still walking around on eggshells if you can't be honest with with him about your perfectly valid feelings.

A lot of this depends on whether you want to continue the relationship going forward, but if you do and therapy was something he engaged with and made changes with, which, from what you've written, he seems to have stuck with, then would he be receptive to having couples therapy?

If he would, you might have a safe and mediated space to say "I'm glad you've changed, but in order for us to have a healthy relationship going forward, I also need a space to process and express all the emotions I had when you were still behaving how you were before."

I probably wouldn't phrase it like that though, maybe more like "I saw how helpful therapy was for you, would you please come with me so that we can make our relationship better and thriving?"

"I’ve spent the previous 14 years being scared of him, and now I’ve to be grateful for the fact that he’s stopped."

Can you say these exact words to him, or are you still a little bit scared of him?

He's improved dramatically, but has the walking on eggshells ended entirely? Or is it just that rather than having a hair trigger temper that makes you walk on eggshells 24/7, he's now less reactive to small things but you still know/fear that actual problems will set him off?

Even if it's not the latter, sometimes damage has been done that can't be repaired. Romantic relationships are inherently more delicate and have a higher bar than friendships or even a lot of family relationships. So while the people less close to him can celebrate the change and move on, the person sharing his bed has to be more wary.

Yes this, been through something similar with a family member who had treatment for anger management. Once their behaviour improved I was fucking furious, I mean randomly blowing up and yelling at them, their therapist warned them that about it. Apparently theres no space for other peoples anger when dealing with someone like this, so when they retreat it’s normal for people are around them to basically blow up and all the anger flows i to the space left.

Either you can’t tolerate it and the relationship is over, or you can try therapy. But what you are feeling is completely normal.

This is totally understandable op. I think the hurt is too deep and it went too far and I get why you don’t want to go to the family party and listen to his great he is. So I wouldn’t go.

I get it. My DH wasn't abusive but he was unbelievably lazy and immature. It made my time with my kids when they were little horrendous - I was exhausted trying to do everything while he farted about being useless. I asked for a divorce and he turned things around completely - he is now far more mature and organised than I am (which in itself is a bit annoying, but more my problem than his). Even after years of improved behaviour there are times when I feel so angry and resentful I can barely breathe - the fact that he is better now doesn't take away from the suffering he put me through. The thing is, if I talk to him he totally acknowledges my feelings and listens, which is why I haven't just told him to fuck off. If he got angry or belittled my feelings he'd be out on his ear.

we were watching something on tv the other night where a husband said something really nasty to his wife, and he commented on how bad it was. I pointed out that he used to speak to me like that and his reply was oh you just love bringing up the past, don’t you? I think this is really unfair as I don’t bring it up often, hence why I have all this bottled up rage!!

Not really taking much accountability there, is he?! He’s only a nice guy if you go along with his current opinion of himself and don’t call attention to his flaws.

Not surprised you're resentful. I'm resenting him on your behalf, and I've never even met him!

So when he said to you "oh you just love bringing up the past, don’t you?", what do you think would have happened if you'd opened to him as you've done to us, and said something like, "Actually yes, I am really struggling to get over everything that's happened. I'm still in pain and I don't feel safe with you. I know you've done a lot of work but we still need to do more." What would he have said?

If he would react to that with anger, then you know the underlying problem hasn't been fixed.

This man had not changed OP. He is still controlling you, he wants you to keep your mouth shut and it will probably work. After all, he’s been training you for the past 15 years.

Don't fall for it, he is still the same man he has always been, he is simply showing a different side of his face.

That reaction... he's not become a nice person has he. Just a slightly less volatile one! That could have been a moment for a really honest and probably important, conversation about how all those years really affected you but he isn't willing to hear it.
I think I'd still be done, to be honest.

You were walking on eggshells and modifying your behaviour and your tone for 14 years.

Then he "changed".

You are now walking on eggshells and modifying your behaviour and your tone.

What has actually changed in your relationship?

This.

If he knew how he was acting all those years ago, why didn't he change? Because he didn't care enough to.

And now, if you still can't talk to him about it without him getting angry, how much has changed??

I'm not surprised you're resentful. I would be too.

Can you move on from this? Fourteen years of being afraid of your husband is a lot. All the things he's said to you too, each one chipping away at your confidence... How can you get over that without a proper heartfelt apology?

Yeah, him getting angry when you want to discuss the damage that's been done to you and your marriage is a clear indication that he hasn't really changed. There's good reasons why the 12 steps programme for addiction puts a huge emphasis for apologising for your past behaviour and making amends.

He hasn't changed though. You still can't talk to him about how you feel and feel heard.

It's just too late I think. You're going to be resentful until you can't stand being around him anymore.

I agree with others - it’s because you are now safe and “allowed” to feel these things.

It may come as a shock to both him and possibly to you - that changing his behaviour after years doesn’t erase the damage.

It is ok for you to feel this way. It may be that even though he has changed, the damage has been done - as someone else said - too little too late.

His response to you when you mentioned his previous bad behaviour indicates he’s not changed that much - he still thinks it’s something you should just “get over”. No wonder you feel resentful

id suggest therapy just for you where you explore if you still want to try and save this relationship built on years of abuse.

The problem is he can’t change the past now. I don’t disregard how you feel (I would feel the same) but if you want to stay with him, you will need to let it go.

Get some therapy yourself to maybe address the resentment (if that’s possible?). Otherwise what are you going to do? Keep beating him with that stick when he can’t change what’s happened? That won’t lead to anything good.

I think that it may be too big a hurdle to get over and you will likely split and I wouldn’t blame you in the slightest.

I think you should have some therapy OP to explore how you feel. After some time you will probably need to have some sessions jointly with him to work on your relationship.

His life has changed - what do you need to do to change your life so you are happy. Change jobs, retrain, he does all the childcare, you get paid help with running the home, you get away regularly to follow your interests, you no longer see the ILs? ????

Actually I think maybe couples therapy as well as for you would be good.

He needs to appreciate what you e been through and as you want to stay, you need to forgive and move on.

He really needs to acknowledge how much you’ve put up with and how awful he was. Saying you love bringing up the past is unfair, he’s put you through what sounds like hell. No idea why you put up with it for so long? Have you got dc? How do they perceive him?

@Brosources I’ve PMd you - too much I don’t want to say on here, but hopefully it’ll help.

So you are meant to be grateful that he is no longer abusing you?